My girlfriend is 44, I'm 33. I love her very much and we are very compatible in many ways, but now we are taking some time off from each other to give us space to think objectively whether we should get engaged and married. She is in great shape, but I am concerned that I've always wanted children and she doesn't and is too old. I'm also concerned that she will start looking old long before me, and then I'll be tempted by younger women. And I sometimes wonder how important IQ is: I'm very bright, while she is also bright, but not on my level. So often I feel "bigger" than her. Maybe this is why our sex, which was great in the first weeks, declined to just once or twice a month. Should I rather date other, younger, more highly intelligent women with a stronger sex drive? Or am I just making up these "excuses" to find a way out of commitment? I don't want to be stupid and lose a wonderful woman. But maybe there's someone out there who is just as compatible and wonderful, but younger and brighter? Am I making any sense?

Let her go. She deserves better than this. The LAST thing a woman in her 40's needs is some guy talking like this. Gee whiz, if you feel this way now, what will you be like when she's 50?<P>Let me tell you something, pal, I am going to be 44 later this month, and believe me, I am hotter now than I was ten years ago. If your girlfriend doesn't have much sex drive, it's probably because she knows you're thinking OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD. What woman wants to deal with this? I sure wouldn't.<P>And you know what? If you marry a woman your own age, you can STILL be tempted by others. If you're so concerned about not being tempted by younger women, either marry an 18-year-old or plan on trading them in every 10 years.<P>Frankly, you don't sound like a very good bet for anyone, least of all your girlfriend. If SHE was posting that YOU feel this way, I'd say "Dump him. He'll only break your heart."<P>What are YOUR flaws, pal, other than that you are superficial and petty?<P>Sorry this wasn't what you wanted to hear.

Gentle.........<P> About the age thing. I am like Dazed I am in my late 30s and I look better now then when I was in my 20s. Some women to me if like me feel I get better with age. And for the sex thing OMG I would love it 5 times a week would settle for 3 now only if I was happy with spouse in that area. Thats whats really hard for me. So I agree with Dazed if she is feeling the resenment from you somehow I would not want sex with you either. Been there and done that on resenting someone you were in love with. Don't know if this helped but I had to respond.

Gentle Fires:<P>My question is: DO YOU LOVE THIS WOMAN?<P>Because it sounds to me as though either: 1. you're talking yourself out of loving her for fear of committing to one woman, which would be YOUR problem, and one that YOU have to work on, or 2. you don't really love this woman.<P>If you truly love someone, you don't think that way. You take them regardless of their faults. You love them because of their faults. You see them for EXACTLY WHO they are, and love them ANYWAY, not "in spite" of their faults. <P>So the question is: HOW do you love her?<P>Ask yourself that, and you'll find the answer.<P>And the other two remarks were very valid; if she sense the way you feel about her age and her IQ level, of course she is going to withdraw. That is not her fault, but yours.<P>Re-think things.<P>Hope this helps.

Thank you to Dazed and Confused, Wonder, and Taylor1 for your insightful responses to my post. You have raised some important points.<P>At times, I feel so in love with my girlfriend that nothing else seems to matter. However, I learned years ago that contrary to the widespread cliche, "love is not enough." Dr Harley seems to be saying a similar thing when he cautions us to consider our compatibility (BEFORE we get married) in the five key areas where it is very hard, if not impossible for us to change: intelligence, energy, social interest, cultural background, and values.<P>So in addition to love, we need two more things: compatibility in the areas where we are not likely to change, plus implementation of Dr Harley's key principles (such as his policy of enthusiastic mutual agreement on everything we do). Without these additional two ingredients, we are setting ourselves up for problems later.<P>Getting back to my own relationship: I regularly feel that I am "carrying" my girlfriend, and when I feel like that, I cannot get sexually excited about her. A good partnership is just that: a PARTNERSHIP - between EQUALS. If, as Dr Harley says himself, there is too great a difference in IQ (or in the other four key areas of compatibility), then our communication suffers, we do not feel seen in the way we need to feel seen, and all sorts of problems arise.<P>So it's better for me to face these facts now, and take the consequences, as painful as it is: my girlfriend and I can remain excellent lifelong friends, but we are not a good match for lifelong marriage.<P>Thank you for helping me in this learning process.<P>Gentle Fires

Gentle Fires - you are raising very important questions and I'm sorry you got a couple of knee jerk responses.<P>First, the age thing - if you didn't want to have kids - that's probably not an issue - but you do and she's 44. Sure it's still "possible" but not advised. About how she looks - if she looks great now, she probably will in the future - especially if she stays fit which it seems is important to her.<P>Now, about intelligence. I hope I can help you on this one. My husband is VERY intelligent - and I mean VERY. I'm pretty darn bright, but not equal. Now, I don't think we would work if I were average because that would be too wide a gap... but I don't think it is necessary to be the same. What is NECESSARY is that BOTH of the people in the relationship have to be comfortable with that difference and not feel "bigger" or less than the other.<P>I think, for me, it helped that my Mother is probably brighter than I am and ALL the kids I hung out with in high school were smarter than me - I was always the "dumb" one in the group (though a lot of that had to do with a bad family environment - not ability). After awhile I didn't feel less than my peers - I enjoyed the intellectual conversations we had. I enjoyed learning from them and vice versa. So, when I met my spouse, it was no big deal = and he has said I am the FIRST to not feel inferior to him because of his intelligence. And do you know why? Intelligence is not everything - sure, he'll be able to "absorb" more material than me, probably earn more money than me, but I have skills he does not.<P>For instance, I'm very spatial - and can work things spatially that he can't. I'm a "counseling" type person and have better people skills. I'm more comfortable socially. I have a perfect ear, while he's practically tone deaf. In those things he looks up to me and relies on me for being "more than".<P>I'm smart enough to follow his conversations and so on. BUT... I'm not specialized in his field and cannot grasp the details, but that's true for EVERY relationship. Unless both people in the relationship share careers, your understanding is going to be less and you and your partner will have to speak those "details" of important things in your career in layman's terms.<P>For you, it might not be that she's not as smart as you, but that she doesn't cope with being the "lesser" intelligent one very well.<P>Heck, for me? I think GREAT! I have FANTASTIC genetic material to work with - please pass on those smart genes to our kids (and it seems our 2 year old is QUITE smart!)<P>Hope this helped.<BR>Melissa