Made a long entry in my journal today. I've gone through my story before so I won't belabor it here. I spend a lot of time alone, but that's not being lonely. Lonely is when you see the woman you love everyother weekend or so, maybe 40 times over the past two years. The times together are so good, but end so quickly and the good feeling becomes a memory-a good one, but that sinking feeling creeps back in again. Love feels so good, but it can hurt sometimes. I guess it may just be we won't see each other for four weeks this time. Just more a feeling of emptiness, like when my mom died. I love her and miss her, I just can't reach out to touch her or talk to her. Sometimes things are just so difficult to endure. Keeping busy helps, but I can only stay so busy. There's so much more I could say here-but I already wrote it once today. Maybe tomorrow will be better! :> Lee

Two years? That's too long!!! She was so unlucky not to realise you loved her that much.<P>My world came crashing down today...I am currently on a real downer, so I won't belabour you...but I now NEED those international laws on divorce more than ever.<P>If you can spare another hurt soul the time, I would appreciate it so much...<P>Thanks.

Nina, this makes three times I'm writing to you today. Today is Sunday. Tomorrow I'm going to try to find someone much smarter than I to see if I can get an answer for you. I live in basically a small county in central Ohio. These types of issues don't come up often-like almost never. By the way, while I agree two years is long time, we haven't broken up. I believe she knows how much I love her, want to be with her. Just have to wait a couple years until her oldest daughter graduates from high school. Nina, that's the tough part. Two years down, two to go. I guess I'm like halfway just hoping to someday soon to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I will be back one way or the other regarding your question. Keep in mind I may have no answer. Thanks. Lee

I will, lee and thank you for caring.... I am so scared of my non-existent future.

You're welcome. I suppose if we die and believe there is nothing after life, we do have a non-existent future. The prospect of that would scare me, too.

No. I believe in a better afterlife and that we learn lessons from each life-time we go through. I read somewhere that you pay for what you sowed in past lifetimes....all I can say is that I must have been a stinker.<P>I have just finished a book on calling upon your guardians...I did before the YUCK I experienced this afterfnoon, and it made no difference...I have to conclude that this is a lesson I have to learn.<P>Compassion? Bravery? Humility? Forgiveness? I'm learning these lessons now....but I don't care! I want my h back!

I thik perhaps the lesson today for all three of us is...<B>in His time, and in His way.</B><P>Lee, do you happen to know how you went from Junior Member to Member with 'only a few posts'? If not, maybe you could be a little more observant of things where Ginger is concerned. I would be remiss in not pointing out to you that she feels the pain of the separation as much as you do, and wants to move this thing along, too. I don't think she is using the kids as an excuse not to move closer, she may have some fear, too, but...it seems to me like you two feel the same way, but priorities are different. She has posted here using your user name...did you know that? Its not a bad thing, she was genuinely concerned about the situation, too. I don't want to get in the middle, but...is there a middle to get into? -Mike

This is supposed to be my post for feeling bad, but that's ok. Jim Dobson wrote a great article in one of his Focus on the Family magazines on how you can try to get your husband back. I can't remember specifics, but if I find the magazine, I'll let you know the issue. About all I remember is about ignoring him, not let him know it is getting to you. Makes him think I guess. Anyway, it made a lot of sense. I've got a hearing tomorrow where I represent a little girl, plus all this homework for you. I'll do my best! The fruit of the Spirit, Galations I think, around Chapter 4 or 5, one of them is longsuffering(KJV), ie. patience. The rest are close to what you wrote. Lee

Lee and Jacky<BR>The future is what you make of it from here on in....<BR>Happiness comes from with in. It took me a long time to learn that but I had a very special friend to show me that..And also the mb post... I still hurt inside like heck.. But I look at my son and my friends and believe it or not I will make it, despite H best efforts for me not to.. I'm not saying I am all healed or don't hurt or don't wish but, I have a wonderful job, absolute best friends and they help me so much.. (to you all I say thankyou) the end to the long road is not near yet. But I will and the two of you will too... Believe in yourself please.....<BR>I know your both hurting right now and maybe this will not help you but, saying what I believe to others who I might think it will help.. It helps me and reminds me...<BR>Wishing you all well<BR>Janet

Mike&Janet, First, I guess although I've only posted maybe three times, I repsonded to quite a few. I don't know who Ginger is, nor do Iknow who Jackie is. I was aware my fiance posted using my user name, although now she has her own. As far as her moving, I've come to grips with that, I was just feeling lonely and my journal went into a lot more detail than this did. I would expect her to have fears. Big stuff she is talking about doing. You're 100% correct Mike: IN HIS TIME, IN HIS WAY!

Bear13lee Hope you are feeling better today. When I'm feeling that there is so much time and distance between us, sometimes I think back to how I felt before I had this love in my life. I felt very flat and empty then and I think the missing and longing is at least an alive feeling. Besides, I always have the feeling with me that I am truly loved, and I hope you carry that with you too. You can't reach out and touch her but you can hear her voice and at least have that contact. Do you ever think that keeping in such close touch on the phone makes you miss being together even more? Just a thought.I know that the love will outlast the wait.

zara, thank you for your kind words. I have no doubt the love is there. You're probably right-missing is an alive feeling, as are all feelings. I'd rather sad, depressed, etc. than dead, but I can't say always feel truly alive when not with the one I love most in life. You do bring up one interesting point. The phone company used to advertise about reaching out and touching someone. That's garbage in a sense. Maybe being in such close contact on the phone, more than 50 hours as month, does make it harder. But I guess a person pushes on, day by day until the race is won, or until they can't run anymore and drop out. I hate to think my sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others. I've never been through this before and unfortuantely experience is not something you until after you need it. I wrote something in 1986 called CHOICES and it helps, but unfortunatley, in this situation, it can go either way. " We are constantly choosing among several paths to tomorrow, usually unknowing, but not uncaring , of the end. Often we are guided by nothing more than a gentle breeze blowing across our hearts, seemingly constant in its everchanging ways and directions. Our choice today may not be ours tomorrow, but once made, must be followed to know. Each of us must be willing to accept responsibility for our choices; we really need share little of the responsibility of the other's choice, that being the duty of a parent to the young. Since no one can know, at least with certainty, the end of the path chosen, the choice does not require an objective analysis. It surely must be better to be guided by the direction of those gentle breezes across our hearts, for it is always feeling which must dictate that which is unknown, that which is not capable of quantification. HAVE WE MADE THE RIGHT CHOICES? AS LONG AS OUR CHOICES ARE NOT STATIC, THEY CAN NEVER BE WRONG. WHAT WE DECIDE TODAY WE MUST AGAIN DECIDE TOMORROW, THIS TIME WITH A TOUCH OF OBJECTIVITY FROM YESTERDAY'S EXPERIENCES. " So who knows, I have a bundle of yesterdays that keep me moving forward because of what I have experienced; but then there's the choice again tomorrow based upon new experience and continued experiences of each new day I make a choice again. So now I make the choice to continue another day because the love outweighs the pain of being apart. If the pain begins to outweigh the love(that sounds so harsh), then perhaps a new choice is made, which starts as a feeling of the heart the first day and then the experience of that new choice continues to build, but with some objectivity as the days pass letting me know if the choice was a good one. It's really tough stuff, zara.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bear13lee:<BR><B>Made a long entry in my journal today. I've gone through my story before so I won't belabor it here. I spend a lot of time alone, but that's not being lonely. Lonely is when you see the woman you love everyother weekend or so, maybe 40 times over the past two years. The times together are so good, but end so quickly and the good feeling becomes a memory-a good one, but that sinking feeling creeps back in again. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey there,<P>I've been where you are and I know it stinks! When I first met my H. he told me he was leaving for the Marine Corps in four months--and he did, and for four years we had one heck of a long distance relationship. I went to see him, he went AWOL often, and the last year of his Marine Corps stint he spent in Okinawa, and there were no visits, so yes, I can relate. This all happened before the internet came about and before long distance wasn't quite so inexpensive.<P>I remember the good times turning into memories all too quickly and there is no feeling more sinking than that of the drives to the airport and the horrific airport scenes, and the pathetic scenes they were. I always thought if we could survive the long distance that we could survive anything, and how wrong that proved to be.<P>I think you really get to know the true person through correspondence...do you guys email alot? How about small care packages from time to time? Thinking of you e-cards or cards in the mail? These things were always fun and helped to keep the relationship alive. How about a surprise (you) on her doorstep someday? <P>I forgot why it is that you two need to be apart (I think it is her kids if I remember correctly) but is there any way you can rethink that? Time is too precious to waste, and it is not right to wish a month or more of your life away for one weekend, I remember those calendar countdowns too!<P>My thoughts are with you!<P><BR>

One question, you thought if you could survive the long distance, you could survive anything. Is it the long distance that caused problems you are now having in your opinion or at least contributed to it.

Bear13lee Your choices piece says that you never know whether you have made the right decision until after you have made it and can look back and have had the experience of the decision. So does that mean that you go ahead and make the choice and then even it it seems like it wasnt the right one, that's still the one you chose, and the one you stick with. I guess some choices are very difficult if not impossible to change once they are made, maybe not others. It would depend on how the choice affects one or both people involved.I'm assuming here that the choice is the decision to end the relationship. I realize those aren't the only choices you are speaking of in your "Choices"

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bear13lee:<BR><B>One question, you thought if you could survive the long distance, you could survive anything. Is it the long distance that caused problems you are now having in your opinion or at least contributed to it.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No, I don't think the long distance relationship contributed to our problems in any way. Our LD relationship was from 1985-1989, we were married in 1989 and our problems began in 2000 when my H. had a problem keeping his pants on.<P>If anything, I'd say the long distance portion of our relationship probably helped us to better communicate with each other. When our problems began last year and we couldn't see eye to eye on things, I would write letters to him, because it always seemed that I could get my point across better that way to him, and he could read it 100 times if he had to to understand what it was I was trying to say.<P>

Hi lee,<P>I was reading this post and you said a few days ago you didn't know who Ginger or Jacky are. Well I don't know who Ginger is, but I'm Jacky!!! <P>I hope things are looking up for you now.

To Wifeofcop and zara: First, thank you for responding. In addition to the many hours on the phone, we also do audiotapes which we mail to each other. She several hunderd hours of tapes from me. I also do emails and e-cards to her and her kids by the boatload, I send her cards almost every day through the mail, I cut and mail articles of interest or humor from newspapers, magazines, the internet, etc. to her; cut out photos from papers or magazines and make "cute" captions. She gets mail from me everyday, sometimes several pieces. I don't get as much in return, but she started working full-time earlier this year and has three kids to take care of so she doesn't have the time I have(in response to earlier post of Wifeofcop). Zara, you are assuming incorrectly if you believe I am getting ready to break up with her. Also, the CHOICES thing, that relates more to feelings, things that can't be quanitfied. While my choices would impact others, I still have to make them. I guess in doing so, if I made a decision it was too painful to see her, and this might be selfish, I would make that decision with the belief she would move on and be okay. The sense of lonliness can be a very heavy burden and the root cause is the love I feel for this woman. I push on day by day now. No, once a choice is made, it doesn't have to be followed the very end with no turning back. Can be a practical problem. If I make that decision, I can the experiences of the previous day of that choice and if it is wrong, change direction. Of course, then two people do come into play. She may not want to get back together-a decision although it may be painful to me, one I would have to accept. I think that is the whole point, we make choices and reaffirm those each day, but they are not static. Earlier, it was stated time is precious-and it is a precious commodity. Going on 49, maybe more so then if I was say 35, although with this woman I think I would feel the same. Never have I had a relationship with someone I could so freely share my thoughts with than this one and I don't believe I would ever find another like it. Sometimes talking on the phone is a burden. We say things, but we aren't there to see body language, the expression of a face, voice inflection doesn't always come across well and this can be difficult. Never have this problem in person. Time is also important to me because I have a disease, not life-threatening, but life altering. If we were together and she took in sickness and in health, that would be ok. If we were not married, and I know this is contrary to how she feels about it, I wouldn't want to put her through the burden of having to take care of me. She is a vibrant woman and I will not saddle someone with this. I would rather be unhappy and alone than do this(not that I want to hurry up and get married for this reason) to her and her kids. I want to be there for her, be able to help her, etc. May be selfish on my part, but it's the way I feel. I like to believe she would go on with life. I may have talked about my mom dying in 1997. Devastating to me and still sometimes hard to deal with, but I have, despite the loving and missing her, gone on. Maybe not much of an anaolgy, but all I have. I'm not sure this answers anything-maybe!

Nina, Didn't know you were Jacky. Seems like someone thinks you and I are an item and we need to stick it out. Not sure how these posts work because I did the long one and yours wasn't there and then I come back and there it is. My guess is you probably won't see this. Hang in there! P.S. Sorry, I'm taken!:>

Nina, Didn't know you were Jacky. Seems like someone thinks you and I are an item and we need to stick it out. Not sure how these posts work because I did the long one and yours wasn't there and then I come back and there it is. My guess is you probably won't see this. Hang in there! P.S. Sorry, I'm taken!:>