I filed for divorce two months ago after H informed me he was moving out AGAIN to where OW lives. I finally accepted the fact that our marriage is over and H will never be able to sustain a healthy relationship in his present state of mind while he refuses to get help of any kind. And, of course as long as OW is in the picture, the chances for any reconciliation are zero.<P>Like a lot of you, what really amazes me is the fact that H will not let go. Yet, he fully admitted that he was trying to drive me away. He seems to be making this as difficult for me as possible. I asked him to NOT have his mail forwarded, since the last time he did this, it made it very hard for me to pay bills. He did it anyway. He does forward my mail back up to me; always with a 'chatty' letter enclosed telling me all about what he's been up to. Last week I was forced to call him because I hadn't received my car tags which were due to expire and I knew he had them. During our conversation, he asked me several times "how I am holding up", then when I tried to end the conversation he was reluctant to hang up and finally he thanked me for calling! Then a couple of days later, my car tags arrived from him (he had them for three weeks) and once again he enclosed another letter. He told me "it was nice hearing my voice" and asked me to give the cat a hug for him. When he moved out, I gave him a copy of the divorce petition along with a letter of citation for him to sign and have notorized. He still has not sent back the letter. He made up some lame excuse about "feeling uncomfortable waiving his right to testimony".<P>I've been purposely keeping the attorney at bay because I need one more piece of documentation that H must follow up on. It has to do with his military retirement. He told me over the phone last week that he got the necessary correction made and that once he receives the revised statement, he'll forward it up to me. I have a feeling that he's going to drag his feet on this too.<P>This is like adding insult to injury. As if it isn't hard enough to go through all the losses, the devastation of betrayal, then all of this when you're simply trying to pick up the pieces of what's left of your life. I just don't understand and never will.

Had a bad day....so what I'll say here is pure emotion.<P>Let the *b* go. it's not worth the pain.

Hi Nina,<P>Sorry you're having a bad day I feel as though I have let him go. But what I don't understand is that HE's the one who did everything in his power to destroy the marriage and yet HE WON'T LET GO. Sometimes I feel like he not only destroyed our marriage but he's trying to destroy me too! By making all of this as hard on me as possible. He basically skipped town leaving me to tie up all the loose ends of a 23 year relationship. I suppose I'm just venting my frustration here. I hope your week gets better.

It won't...I have a lot of stuff to do before I leave the country, hopefully ASAP.<P>Even now I have stupid hopes in my heart for all we shared together, but in my MIND I know this isn't going to work again. This is the second time in 8 months he's done this....he thinks he is SO right. What I cannot ever get over is his lack of consideration for our kids.

Nina, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. As hard as it is, try to think only of YOU right now. Because those kids will be needing you. You must be strong for them. I think getting away like you're planning is an excellent idea. Give yourself some time and distance away from the situation. Don't expect to be able to turn your feelings off for him like a faucet. It just won't happen. Your mind and emotions can't absorb it all at once. It is going to take time. I found that both the acceptance and feelings part (or lack of) came in layers. Little by little I came to see that he was destroying my life, destroying me. Maybe not intentionally, but he WAS, just the same. I reached deep down inside and found the strength to take back control of my life. You can too!!

Hi sid,<BR>Nice to see an update from you, and it sounds you really have turned a corner re: your H. And you are also seeing how they don't always turn those corners at the same time you do...and that causes all kinds of other issues.<P>Sidney, this moment will pass for you. Eventually all the divorce stuff will be wrapped up, and you are right, you will probably have to be the one to keep on it. For me, although my H has said he will file, he has not yet - even though all the agreements and paper work have been done for several months.... I will file soon if he does not.<P>You know as well as I do why they do this. At some level they are still sooo confused and unable to take charge of their own lives. My H has, when my boundaries have been momentarily down, told me that he feels trapped in his job and in his relationship with OW...just like he told me over 2 years ago that he felt trappped in our marriage. The players have changed, but he still has all the same issues. But at least he is in counseling and I do see positive changes in him as he relates to the kids. <P>In my case, I think we are both really trying to let go. We both backslide occasionally, sharing feelings in phone conversations. But I think we both realize pretty quickly that gets us nowhere and we back off further than before. It is a long long process.<P>It must be doubly hard for you since it sounds like your H isn't in any counseling. But you know he has to come around on his own, if ever. And most importantly you know that YOU are the only one who is going to watch out for Sidney.<P>Hang in there old friend. I wish you peace.<P>Starpony

Hi *Pony!<P>I was hoping to hear from you!! It's truly amazing how someone can be so lost, isn't it? The very last words my H said to me as he was moving out were, "I don't know where I'm going or what I want". And, from what I can see and hear, he isn't making any progress. He's been out of the house for two months now, and still isn't working!! He told me over the phone that "he doesn't want to take just anything; he wants a job he's going to enjoy". Meanwhile, he's sinking like a rock financially. It took me a couple of days to get through to him and when I finally did he said he often leaves the phone unplugged-- to avoid solicitors. I wonder if it's not to avoid OW or maybe bill collectors. Who knows, maybe both. <P>The way he conversed with me, it was as if he thought he was on an out of town business trip. Asking how I was holding up, whether I'd gotten the windshield on my car fixed, how I'm doing in my job, how the cat was doing, etc. It was really, really strange. I was cordial to him and listened without relaying too much about me.<P>I know there is something very wrong with him. But, I've finally accepted that I cannot fix it. I really think that he's going to have to hit rock bottom before he accepts some help. Even then, it's questionable. I'm convinced that he's either borderline or bipolar. He has many of the symptoms of both. And the shrink did tell me he has an 'organic mood disorder' but he didn't elaborate on the specifics.<P>I know that I'm doing the only thing I can do. I've seen first hand (with my mother) that mental illness does not get any better without treatment. In fact, most times it gets worse. I read something very appropriate this weekend about mental illess. The article said that it's a very insidious disease because often times the mentally ill drive away the very people that could be helping them. I could REALLY relate to that statement!!!<P>I'm doing very well now by myself. I've made some wonderful and dear friends and I'm keeping very, very busy. Especially now that I have two acres to maintain!! I'm going on a cruise to the Caribbean in November with my two sisters and my friend in California wants me to come up and visit her. Now, if I only had more time and money!!<P>Hope all is well with you.

Sidney,<P>You know that if he was able to be responsible and mature, he wouldn't be in the mess he is in now! I agree with you -it really stinks to have to clean up THEIR mess, however, that is the way it goes more often than not.<P>You are getting stronger and it is coming across in your posts. You express an optimism that your life will once again be peaceful and happpy, and that is such a GREAT attitude to have!!! Make that great lemonade with your lemons, Sid!<P>To avoid issues liek the tags, etc - call these places and have your name put on the things you need. If need be, calll Mike and have him do it, if the companies require him to do it personally. The more you handle these things now, the better, 'cause these are things you need to do anyway to simplify your life.<P>This is the time for personal healing. The more you heal, the more optimistic about life aftert divorce you become. I don't mean to say that you are glad your marriage is over or anything like that. Just that you can see and look forward to a great future, DESPITE what has happened. THIS is what people mean, I think, when they say they become better people for having gone through this. Not that we are better off financially or better off without our S, but there is something quite powerful and about being able to survive a devasting trauma and then to rise from the ashes like a phoenix, so to speak.<P>You are doing well. Keep the faith!~<BR>Love ya, Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>