Well, here I am again, foggy, tired, in shock and really, really pissed off. I emailed my mum last night to tell her to expect us home any day, and she wrote back asking why. So for the first time I told her about OW. I don't care anymore I'm not keeping his stupid selfish life a secret any more.<P>I have spent all day on the net trying to book tickets. I finally found the best site, but my darn credit card wasn't accepted...so now his company will have to arrange it after all. I picked my flight, airline, etc and sent him the details. Told him to pass it on to the travel lady they have at the office, and then she can contact me. Bet he stuffs it up just to annoy me, but if I get the booking I want, I will be outta here next Friday.<P>I am feeling a little relieved that it has come to this, in a way...it's too hard to be here now...he pushed us away...it's his loss. Reality will hit him one day, but I can honestly say that I don't want the man he's become.

Jacky-i'm sorry you are where you are right now. i do think i hear a certain strength in your post, and a sense of relief. Who knows what will happen after you leave-maybe he'll realize what he has done. Then, you'll be in a position to decide what YOU want.<P>People do change, but not always for the better. i know from what i have read here you are a better person than you were several months ago. That may be hard to see just now, but it's true. My W has changed a great deal, which i believe led her to decide she no longer loves me. Is that a change for the better-she may think so now, but only time will tell for both os us.<P>I wish you Godspeed in the coming week-you and your kids will be in my prayers.<P>And remember, you always have friends and support here.<P>Peace.

He is like a stranger to me now. I feel like I know everyone here at MB better than I know him. He doesn't even treat me with the same courtesy as he does strangers, so why put up with that? I am nothing to him. He made that very clear last night. <P>Still waiting for confirmation that he got the bookings passed on.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR>I emailed my mum last night to tell her to expect us home any day, and she wrote back asking why. So for the first time I told her about OW. I don't care anymore I'm not keeping his stupid selfish life a secret any more.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Jacky, no wonder you feel so depressed about this- you've been trying to do it with no support system (save for us, that is, and we're no substitute for nearby friends and family). In March, when I my wife first told me she wanted to leave, I was so ashamed I told no one- no one at all- for a week. I finally told my mother then, but no one else until late May. My closest friends, my brothers and sisters, nobody at all knew until then. I had no strength at all to deal with this until I put the word out. <P>I guarantee you that you will feel better each time you tell a friend or relative about this. You'll still have ups and downs, but you won't be so heartbreakingly alone- good god, my closest friends, guys I've known for twenty years, are all in different cities, and I feel isolated from them sometimes. I can't imagine being on a different continent from my support system.<P>Now, I've just re-read that and realized it may sound like a criticism of you- believe me, it isn't; I know how easy it is to take the whole downfall of the marriage on your own shoulders and want to hide the pain from the world. All I'm saying is once you get past that, things start looking a lot brighter.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by dabigtrain (edited August 27, 2001).]

dabigtrain, they knew that he left, (I had to tell them - he's good at avoiding telling people these things)just not the details of what was going on. But I have a hard time telling people, gradually my friends here found out, and a lot of them found out through him. I find it hard to deal with face to faces about this thing, I am DREADING talking to my family when I get back.<P>I had a few people here to help me, but only two of them know full details, and one of them thought I was delusional (no, there isn't anything between them...you're imagining it!) until what happened yeaterday.<P>What IS hard at the moment is that I can't get out, my total social life here was with him, theatre groups...now he goes, but I don't. I can't go anywhere with that group and more because SHE might be there too. Well, I'm leaving soon anyway. I'll join something in Oz.<P>I am thinking he hasn't done anything about the tickets...should I call him before the end of the working day? And NO I really don't want to talk to him...ugh!!! Not the disgusting selfish pig that he has become. <P>Strange, today I went to call my friend, and my sub-conscious dialled his number...I didn't even know what I'd done until he picked up. I just said "Oh...er..Sorry!" and hung up. Weird!!! I want this rushed through so I don't have to be here a second longer than necessary.

WELL! I ended up calling him about the ticket arrangements...I didn't want to, but I also didn't wat to sit around waiting either. He sounded really MISERABLE!!! Good, though I know it's only the reality of not seeing his kids sinking in. <P>This is how it went:<P>Me: Hi, I'm calling to see if you got my email.<P>H: (Drawn out) Yeah.<P>Me: I just wanted to know if you'd passed it on to the travel lady yet.<P>H: (Annoyed) I just saw it, I've been at meetings all day. I have to have time to digest it.<P>Me: What's there to digest? We're going, I'd just like to do it as soon as possible, and I don't want to miss out on the preferred seats.<P>H: (Silence, about 6 seconds worth)<P>Me: Can you give it to her now?<P>H: No, they're all finished for the day.<P>Me: Okay, tomorrow is fine.<P>H: (Silence)<P>Me: Okay bye. (Hung upwith vengeful grin on my face, and thanking my guardian angels for handling that okay.)<P>I do not feel bad that he will miss the kids, this WHOLE thing is his choice. I think I really whammied him by getting so organised so soon. He knew I didn't want to do this, trouble is now I DO.<P>Where on earth do I pull this stuff from? I feel SO bad today. However, when I feel that I've been walked over, I can get VERY determined. Not always a good trait, but it's helping me a lot now.

Hey Nina,<P>sounds like you are describing the way my husband treated while he was having his affair. I don't understand why they treat us like this, maybe it is to make themselves feel better. I don't know.<P>I am sorry you are leaving and that you are where you are now. I hope he realises what he is losing. <P>My H has moved to Durban this weekend. I phoned him so we could come to an arrangement about divorce proceedings so we could continue with our lives. Saturday he treated me like crap and Sunday we came to an agreement. Today we spoke again about the agreement etc. I cried my eyes out yesterday for everything that is being lost. I drank almost a bottle of wine after that and went to bad. So I am not at a good point now either. It hurts like hell. It was far easier not talking to him at all...<P>I wish you luck.<P>Pantha

You did really well with that. I'm proud of you. <P>Is there any way you could e-mail the travel lady about the needed arrangements?<BR>

I don't wanna cause any distress here, but you are talking about leaving SA and going to Austrailia....right? If there is any legal means (or not legal), or financial obstructions he can interfere with you taking the kids, that could be a concern (I am not sure how old your kids are). Plz be careful, desperate people sometimes can do things you never thought possible. Protect yourself. I am a ws, and not particularly remorseful or guilt-ridden, but I cannot imagine doing what your H has done. Good Luck.<p>[This message has been edited by sad_n_lonely (edited August 27, 2001).]

(((((((((JACKY)))))))))))<P>WOW!!!! I'm proud of how you handled yourself. How do they say that, oh ya, "You go girl".<P>Jacky, if memory serves me correct, you once asked how I was able to got through this in such a short amount of time. I believe that I responded saying I didn't have a choice, I had too. Really, hun, the same applies to you. You will heal more every day and you will find strength that you never thought you had. Sure you will have crappy days but as time progresses the lows aren't so low and they don't last as long.<P>Have you told anything to the kids yet? How are they doing?<P>God Speed,<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

(((((((((((((Pantha))))))))))))))))<P>There is a big cloud over Jo'burg tonight...guess it's up to us to shift it. Sorry to hear you h has left for Durban, but maybe it will make things easier in some ways. I know I am looking forward to the space between us now.<P>Cinderella, I don't know how to contact her...yes you are thinking that he'll delay it. I'm sure he will. I'll look up the main offices number and see if switchboard can put me through, but I don't even know her name.<P>SNL, Thanks for the advice...I'm fully aware of what he might do...just don't know what to do if he does it...although the kids are Australian citizens, so I could pull that on him. He is so selfish right now, I wouldn't put it past him. And I wouldn't put it past his w***e either, to put the idea into his head...seems like she enjoyed playing mummy yesterday. The only thing that stops me from sending her a disgusting email is that I want to keep my dignity...it will only make me look bad. So I write it on word, then blow it away. It helps somewhat.<P>

Hi Bill, you must have been writing at the same time as me.<P>Yes it's dad's saying "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." I have lived by it a lot lately.<P>I have been fairly honest with the kids all the way along, and I did tell them that this might happen. So they seem okay, if a little quiet. There is no choice for us, and my oldest knows that. It will be hard when we actually get back there and daddy can't drop in, but then he has hardly seen them anyway.<P>We'll get there I know...it just seems such a long road right now.<P>Jacky<P>

Jacky,<P>I have been following your whole situation this weekend, and I have one big thing to say to you: never forget that you ARE loved. Yes, it's true, we are a bunch of cyber friends here, but I know I speak for everyone when I say YOU ARE LOVED. Don't forget that. <P>Next I would say, come here for a big, old hug. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jacky}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>One more {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jacky}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P><BR>Now, Jacky, I know that you are beside yourself with grief and loss because your H seems to be choosing the OW over you. And I know that you want to just run away and get as far away from him as you can, so he can't hurt you anymore. I also know that some entirely different parts of you are literally screaming out that you want him to drop kick the OW and declare his undying love for you. I KNOW that in some ways you wish he would beg you to stay and say that he can't live without you. In other words, there are still parts of you that care for him AND THAT IS WHY YOU ARE SO PISSED AND HURT! <P>Jacky, I am fully behind you to do what you have to do for your own well-being. I believe that going home to Oz really is in your best interests. But I am asking you to do what you need to do for yourself without punishing or harming him. This may sound nutty, but one day, he may pull his head out of his hiney and realize what a mistake he has made, and if you have taken this time RIGHT NOW to punish him and brow beat him and be vengeful, neither one of you will feel good. You will not feel better if you hurt him, trust me. <P>I know how you feel about wanting to scream this secret to the world--after all, why should you protect him anymore when he doesn't care about you? Why should you keep this a secret when he is being so selfish--right? But, Jacky, the hate in your heart will consume you too, so just don't go there. You are exhausted, hurt, tired, in shock, pissed AND RIGHTFULLY SO. So, my strong suggestion to you right now is to take care of yourself. Be extra kind to yourself. Do nice things for yourself. Get some rest (as much as you can, anyway) and don't do anything that you will regret when you are rested. You can't lose taking care of yourself and boosting your own self-respect, but you can lose if you become hateful and spiteful. You will lose some of your self, if you go down that route.<P>So, lay down--if you can't sleep at least rest--and pray. Pray for RobC, he's having a rough time too. Pray for Wolfen, because his heart is hurting. Pray for peoplepleaser (Lynn) whose young children are praying for their daddy to come home, and Paul Moyers whose XW just married someone else and it's hurting him. Pray for OvrCs (Nicole) whose separated from her H and has small children, and sballplyr (Michelle) whose H's fog might be starting to lift. As you pray for and think of others, believe it or not, it will help you. <P>And don't forget, Jacky, YOU ARE LOVED and loveable. <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jacky}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Thank you for your beautiful caring post CJ. I am thankful there are people like you on the site who are so insightful, and can point out things about ourselves in a gentle way.<P>Yes, I feel all those things because I do care. And I'm angry because now I don't want to care. He is fine with all of this because he has her, he has the fog. I was thinking that in yesterday's phone call he was able to be so cold because HE doesn't care.<P>Oh I said some stupid things to him, but I was so angry! Played mummy to my kids...she even wrote his cell number carefully on their arms in case they got lost. :MAD: I vented big time, because apart from my own deep hurt, my main issue was that he dragged children into his illicit relationship, giving them a BIG message that it's okay for daddy to have a girlfriend. Well, sorry, but I don't think they should learn that. At least not so early in our breakup. I am prepared for that to happen when we are further along...but so blatant about it so early. The kids haven't got used to him being gone yet, never mind having to deal with this. Sheesh!<P>My current state is a normal one in the grieving process, isn't it...I just have to remember your words and not act on every angry impulse. Thank you for pointing that out to me...I may have gone on a mad rampage, sending letters to all his friends, conduct a nation-wide smear campaign, cut all the arms off his suits, put hamburger patties in his CD player and turn it on, put prawns inside the doors of his car...the list is endless, to what I MAY hve done! You saved me from myself!<P>BTW, I told my mum about OW for another reason, too...I have to live with them for a while when we go back. They would have got it out of me sooner or later, and then vented big time in my presence. I didn't want that. So now they have a little while to get over THEIR anger at my post-perfect h.

Gee, Jacky, you forgot to put all his clothes in his brand new car, douse it in lighter fluid, and set the car on fire, but I don't want to give you any ideas! haha<P>Your reactions are perfectly normal--believe you me!! The one and only time in my life that I actually HATED my H was when he was hurting me and our kids, and he knew perfectly well what he was doing to us, and yet he selfishly chose himself and his bimbo. I thank God I didn't have a gun in those days, because I understood what they meant about a "crime of passion"--it didn't seem so inconceivable!<P>Anyway, my point here is that you are at the screaming-out-in-pain phase, and it is absolutely normal and reasonable to be EXTREMELY and SEVERELY hurt about all this. But Jacky, you know the kind of woman that you are, and I seriously doubt that you will want to look back on this time of your life and regret the fact that you flattened all his tires and he sent you to jail for it -OR- you put peanut butter in his VCR and CD Writable and his DVD player -OR- you sent a letter to all his friends that is so angry and hateful that it's used against you in the custody battle. Know what I mean? Be as mad as you want--that's so very therapeutic--but at least in your actions, behave in a way so that you can look back and be proud of yourself. The BEST last laugh is to be able to say, "You were selfish, cruel, inhumane, and unfaithful and through it all, I maintained my dignity and self-respect by treating you like a human being." <P>That's SO HARD though. Here's one suggestion. Let's start a "How to get revenge against your X (humor)" thread--all joking of course--just to give people an outlet for all this hurt and pain and desire to key new cars!<P>CJ<BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

That's a good idea...will you start it? My name's up there a lot!!<P>Jacky.