My original letter with all of the background details of my story is "Can love and trust be re-established once lost?" and is posted under "Emotional needs."<BR>Basically, though, about 2 years ago (3 years into our marriage), I had an "emotional" relationship with a male co-worker. My husband and I were going through a rough phase (e.g. arguing, not communicating, etc.. - common stuff, I think). At the time, I was able to more easily communicate and connect with the other person. It got carried away (as far as feelings were involved - and I did betray him) but there was never a physical relationship. Soon, after I realized how stupid I was being and how much my marriage meant to me, I ended the "friendship." But my husband found some old unsent letters I had written (months earlier)about my feelings for him. M was understandably extremely hurt and upset. <P>But we worked through it, or so I thought. He did bring up the subject on occasion, but I always seemed to get defensive since he kept asking the same questions and we seemed to go in circles (bad move on my part).<BR>Apparently he has been burying his hurt and anger over the past 2 years and it has eaten away at him to the point that he feels numb, like we are just going through the motions, and that he no longer loves me. We did not deal with it correctly at all (either of us). <P>In February of this year, I moved in with my parents for a trial separation and it turned into a legal separation as of April (He initiated it). I have tried to convey to him my sincere remorse for hurting him, my committment to him, and how I would do anything in my power to make our marriage work - but it has no effect. I would give my life before ever hurting him again and I am dying inside without him. But he feels that he has tried for 2 years and can't do it anymore. He says he is not happy anymore and needs to move on. <P>I know I made stupid mistakes, but I have learned so much as a result. It is so frustrating not to be able to apply these insights. I know our marriage could be stronger if he could just give me a small opening. I honestly want him to be happy but I just wish it could be with me. All I think about is how badly I messed something so good up. He didn't deserve the pain I caused him and I am sorrier than he can ever know. <P>He can be a very rigid person at times, seeing things only in black or white. And he has a very hard time with forgiveness in these types of matters. He is now in counseling and is taking medication for depression (partly because of how bad he feels about hurting me and partly for his own issues). He said that his feelings for me changed and that he won't get them back. But if they changed in the first place, can't they change again? <P>As devastating as it is for me, should I just let him go to try to find happiness elsewhere? Trying to convince to stay seems to be pushing him further away. Do I just wait? I've told him how I feel and how much I want our marriage to work, so now I guess it is up to him. But we have been together for 10 years and cannot just give up - this is too important. I just feel so helpless. Is it possible that he will change his mind over time or am I just kidding myself? He says he enjoys my company and would like to stay friendly, but that is all he wants. He is the kindest, most unselfish person I know and it kills me to know that I did this to him. <P>How can I try to work on the marriage without pushing him away? He has made it clear that he does not want to try anymore. But he also says that he is taking things one day at a time and, when questioned, says he does not know how he will feel in, say, a year. What is my best course of action here? Is there any hope? Please help<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Willow_hc (edited June 01, 1999).]

Here's some stuff I copied from www.divorceinfo.com:<P>[http://www.divorceinfo.com/screwedup.htm#OurNaturalReaction]<P>Our Natural Reaction<P>When I make a mistake, my natural reaction is to avoid responsibility for it. <P> It didn't happen. <BR> If it happened, it's not a problem. <BR> If it happened and it's a problem, I didn't do it. <BR> If it happened and it's a problem and I did it, it's not as bad as it looks. <BR> If it happened and it's a problem and I did it and it's bad, what else do you expect from me when I'm so overworked, underpaid, and unappreciated? <P>In short, I'll do anything to avoid admitting that I made a mistake, that I am responsible for harm done to others. <P>There's a Better Way<P>In divorce and separation, and in life in general, we can often deal more effectively with mistakes by confronting them directly, acknowledging the harm we've<BR>caused, taking corrective action, and asking for forgiveness. <P>Understanding How it Happened<P>I cannot deal effectively with a mistake I've made until I know what caused it. I need to ask lots of questions, of both myself and others, until I'm confident I<BR>understand all the following: <P> Why did I do this? What made me behave the way I did? <BR> Is there another person who steered me wrong? How? What did they say or do? Why did I trust them? <BR> Did my organization contribute in any way to the mistake? <BR> Did my family and/or friends contribute in any way to the mistake? <BR> Was anything clouding my mind (like alcohol or other drugs, or some kind of obsession)? <P>As I go through this process I must be brutally honest with myself so I understand what happened. At the same time, however, and paradoxically, I must be<BR>tenderly compassionate with my own weakness. I may have to remind myself that I am a fundamentally good person who made a mistake, not just a perennial<BR>screw-up who can't be trusted.<P><BR>There is more there if you are interested. Check out the site. It goes on to talk about how to accept responsibility and how to apologize. I don't think you can expect to rebuild trust and then love until that is properly done.<P>There is another issue here which I sense. If you were writing love letters to another man, it follows that you wer not being very honest with your husband at that time. You hid both the letters and your relationship with the other man from him (and also your feelings) for months. Did he know the nature of your relationship with him (the other man)? Did you keep him abreast of your whereabouts and activities over that period? And who you were with? I'm sure he sees that as a deliberate attempt to deceive. You may have been doing it to "avoid hurting him", but the reality is the deception facilitated the new relationship. <BR>

Willow,<P>There is always hope in any situation. Do not give up until it is really over. Keep depositing love unit to him. Do everything you could to convince him that you had changed. Say it, write him a letter/s and be patient. His love account might be very very minus right now, you must have been making a major withdrawal with it, so try to keep on depositing some more and see what happen.<P>I experienced the same. My H had an emotional affair and I had a hard time convincing him that it bothers me. He stopped contacting her when things had gotten really ugly between us. Like your H, I spent weeks and weeks restoring my trust on him. I visited this web site many many times and got many insight from others. I could see that he truly change and that I feel that I truly loved so I decided to give him another chance. But before reaching this stage, I was in roaller coaster mood. Even until now. But I hang on. I keep my faith, love and hope to him because I could truly feel that he changes.<P>If things are remain the same, well, at least you've tried to do your best. But never give up til things are really over. At the moment, you have the advantage by being his wife. Do you have kids too?<P>That's my 2 cents, hope it helps... <P>------------------<BR>Time heals all wounds.<P>

Right now your spouse is probably feeling very hurt and as with all wounds whether they be physical or emotional it takes time. I think you are very brave. I've been with my other half for 6 years and for the most part he has been faithful and so have I. However, about 18 months ago we went out with another couple. My other halves mate is a flirt and goes behind his wives back with other women many times. However, my own spouse has never before given me any reason to suspect he would do the same. The night was going okay until my spouse disappeared, now we do allow each other our own space so at first I was not alarmed. Then myself and the lady of the other couple decided to go for a dance. I was horrified by what I saw. My spouse was dancing with another woman, you might say well whats wrong with that, well he certainly thought there was because he was ever so shocked and apologetic. <P>I felt very upset and for some time very angry so much so that I am very weary of my spouse going out with this friend. I told my spouse how I felt and said that if anything like this happened again that would be it. <P>The point I am trying to make is it is only expected that you are plagued with guilt and that your spouse resents you. All is not lost you need to start rebuilding the trust and once you've got it back keeping the trust. I would suggest firstly you begin to give a little and deposit some love units and begin a friendship - take things slowly. Secondly any time you say you will do something or be somewhere make sure you stay committed and follow things through, over time your spouse will see some of the reasons why he fell in love with you. I wouldn't suggest you bring up the affair again or try to defend yourself. I would just do some active listening and tell your spouse you imagine he feels very hurt and that he has good reason to be. You could accept his offered to be friends and I am sure this is the best starting point.<P>Please remember mistakes however, bad a learning points. The secret is not to repeat them but to look at what you've learnt and what the affair highlighted the need to build foundations which are there in times of need. Please don't think you are doomed from this day on you're just bruised. (this statement is not meant to be patronising). I also suggest you read Women are from venus and men are from Mars by John Gray. Also an excellent book called Feel the fear and do it anyway by Susan Jeffers. These books give real insight into rebuilding your life and your relationship. <P>

Hi all.........<P> I read the book Men are From Mars Women are From Venus. I did like it but since reading it my feelings toward my spouse has not changed. But if ever I would fall in love again I know how that book will help me there. It does make since the book. I guess never realized how different men are. Well I knew but that help put things in perspective more. I hope you get your marriage back where you want it though. If thats what you truly want. I know people say time heals all wounds well been almost 2 years here and mine have not healed. Oh well guess for now thats where I am suppose to stay empty inside and lonely. Take care all.