Hi there,<P>I haven't posted in a while, but have been lurking. I must say that all of you have helped me in my struggle to answer questions that have plagued me for quite some time. Your words of enlightenment have led me to find find peace quite a lot of the time. Although, I do have one unanswered question for you.<P>When do the WS's ever stop blaming their spouse for all their misfortunes. In my case, my STBX H and my now ex sister-in-law (whom my H had his affair and is still with to this day..2.5 years), still blame me and my brother for why they strayed and for all of the things that happened throughout the course of both marriages.<P>I realize that I am ot blameless. I was not and am not perfect, nor will I ever say that I am. There were things that I could have done differently, although I am not the "incarnation of evil" either.<P>S really, when do they begin to take responsibility for their part in this and quit trying to justify themselves with everything.<P>Thanks in advance guys!!<BR>DJ

First, Whatever, let me say welcome Welcome! While our situations are different, I drank alot and my wife did as well and our marriage crumbled spiritually, physically, and financially, my wife to this day blames me and only me (she does give lip service to her part, ill explain later). She blames me for having to live with her father while I am moving to a new home at the end of this year. Blame is almost always placed somewhere other than where it actually belongs. For me, I blamed my drinking problems on other real things, but I am responsible for my actions and only me. My wife says that she cannot trust me ever again, but not because I wont earn that trust back, but because she says she doesnt WANT to trust me - an excuse. I dont know your religious background, but as a Christian, I simply have to go back to the garden and Adam and Eve. After the yielding to tempatation and being confronted by God, what was it that Adam said...."The WOMEN did it!" Then Eve said "The serpent did it". The blame game. Times have not changed. Much like an alcoholic rationalizes taking that drink, people in affairs, RATIONALIZE it. It has always been my position, that if you must convince yourself of something, then it is probably wrong. Rationalization requires giving yourself an escape route.<P>My wife says she is not happy. Understandably, life was hard and miserable, but that doesnt mean it CANNOT be. You just have to WANT it to be and do what is necessary to get there. The same is true for affairs and such. If that is where you WANT to be, you will come up with anyway to justify it and that includes blaming SOMEONE else - thats so easy isnt it!<P>Here is something that puzzles me. People that have cheated on their spouses and want to marry that individual, do they even consider the character of that individual? That is, if they cheated to get me, could they possibly cheat on ME. I dont think they do, fully, but it must be in their minds as most of the affairs dissolve and lead nowhere. Man is so very prideful. Those individuals believe that they are THE exception to the rule. Just like an alcoholic who says I can handle it. I am DIFFERENT, I am a special case.<P>I hope this helps. I, too, am learning ....

Thank you RobC,<P>That does shed some light on the question at hand. In my case, I was not emotionally available for a while during the latter stage of the marriage and I realize that it had some to do with all that happened. I had fallen into a depression with the pregnancy and birth of our last child, and then became pregnant again righ after. The toll it had on me was harsh. Eleven pregnancies in a 7 year marriage, most resulting in late term miscarriages took its toll for sure. That in no way excuses my emotional unavailability, but it does explain mush of it. I know that I wasn't there for him quite a bit and our home life suffered. I did however, end up with 2 beautiful boys out of it all for which, I thank God everyday. I am a Christian as well.<P>In my ex's case, he says that they trust each other implicitly and they are/were made for each other. They do believe they are the exception to the rule, so to speak. Whatever happens with them, I do not care really except for the sake of my children. The blame game, I just do not want to play...it is irrelavant in my case, but I do want him to realize that as I am to blame for certain things, I am not responsible for everything and Chernoyble is not my fault either!!! <P>Thanks again Rob!!!<BR>DJ

Hi Whatever,<P>I think the blame thing is a way of easing their guilt. If they can lay the blame on someone or something else, then they don't have to assume responsibility for their actions. Plain and simple.<P>I've often wondered the same thing, RobC. How can anyone even consider marrying an admitted and proven adulterer? I think I might have caught a little glimpse of their demented thinking when I asked my STBX the same question. His response was that he "couldn't exactly throw stones". So I guess in their twisted minds, two negatives make a positive. Or could it be that they have SO much in common now???

Sidney seems right on about blame and guilt. There is only one time when two negatives can equal a positive-math! I could say a lot more, but not necessary now. Apparently you are doing well, they are not. May go beyond guilt-maybe they're envious of you and your brother. Try to ignore the ignorant. By the way, Adam and Eve may have wanted to blame others, but Adam got the ultimate blame from God. Go figure-I'm a man:>