I am in a 20 yr relationship with my husband [12 married] with 2 kids. The entire relationship has been very polarized with me overfunctioning and him underfunctioning. It got REALLY bad two years ago when he lost his job of 10 yrs and turned 40...after that he couldn't keep a new job, bounced around from job to job for a while until finally I suggested he be a stay at home dad [big mistake!]. When our daughter came, the issues only got worse and worse, our sex life [which was never great] diminished to nothingness. I felt lonely, rejected, used, and unloved, and began an affair. Now, 6 months into it, I find my lover and I are MADLY in love with each other. I still care about my husband, and love him [like a brother more or less] and we have two wonderful kids. <BR>My husband is not abusive, he's more of just an 'underachiever'. I have been codependent on his underfunctioning for many years, and see that now. I am as much to blame for how things are as he is. Thing is I begged him for years to get couseling with me, he refuses. I read all these self help books, and asked him to do so as well, and do the exercises. He refuses. It's why I sorta 'gave up' and went to an affair. I didn't want a divorce, but felt I needed some TLC. Now, I am stuck. <P>Should I let him go? My lover is my friend, but not going to be my next husband, I can see that. What should I do? I still continue to work on myself, and my marriage and my relationship issues [which I know I will always have with any man!] - Although H is trying to work on his own issues in his own way, I think we need professional help. But for me the fact that my husband does not want to get professional help, is hard to take. What would you do if you were me?? [I know this is not the whole picture, but best I can do here.]...<P>

Well, you've come to THIS website for an obvious reason, I hope. You are willing to consider rebuilding your marriage...? If not, then I'm not sure anyone here will be able to help you. <P>Ya see, most people here are in your H's shoes... they are the spouses who remain faithful to the marriage. I'd suggest you read their stories to find out just how much pain your H will go through when he finds out.<P>You should probably read through as much of this material as you can... that way when you enter into this discussion with people who WILL help you navigate your way out of what is called the *affair fog* and back into the VERY difficult task of reconciliation.<P>You're in quite a situation, but let me tell you that no one here will say, "Yeah, go get a divorce." Not that you need justification from anyone, it's just this is a website for supporting and promoting reconciliation and healthy marriages!<P>All the best!<BR><P>------------------<BR><I>"You will deceive yourself into believing that if people, circumstances, and events had been different, your pain would not exist...Your pain is the concrete way in which you participate in the pain of humanity."</I> <BR>~ Henri Nouwen ~

How can you be fair at working on marriage and relationship with husband if you are with another man. You will not be able to do anything constructive until you end your affair and have no contact with other man. When you head clears then you might be better prepared to deal with other options you and hubby have<P>

Ohio attorney here. All I do is domestic work and I've been asked this so many times by people and I'll give you the same answer I give them. It's not for me to decide. That is personal decision you have to make. If you make the decision to do it, I(attorney) will help you, but don't ask me to validate something for you or make the decision for you shifting that to me. Sometimes when people come in and tell me their story the answer is so painfully obvious, they probably should-but again, that's up to them, not me. If you are continue the affair you are probably writing your destiny. But to suggest you are going to continue to work on your marriage and see another man-you need a reality check. I don't mean to be blunt or rude, but come on! Lee