I don't know what happened yesterday evening. I did two things I told myself all week i would not do, and i feel great about it.<P>First, i called OM of my W's EA. Talk about akward! Met him for coffee tonight. What a risk. He told me he has no interest, has told her so, he is with someone else and in any event would not get involved w/ an employee. Just lending an empathetic ear. We talked for over an hour-it was actually very nice. I have no reason to doubt him. W is living a fantasy, and is in for big fall, and maybe big dose of reality. Can't say i'm too sorry. May drive her to someone else-at this point, that's her business.<P>Second, i asked someone out. And she said yes. It will be very innocent and that is all i want, but i have to admit it feels GREAT to be accepted by someone else. i am not interested in another R right now, and i don't want to drag another into this drama. But, i like this woman, she likes me, we will have some fun, and it is the best thing to happen to my self-esteem in many moons!<P>I still love my W, and want our R to work. But these two events have helped me detach. I feel much stronger. I feel i can make it without her, which she will sense. It may help bring her closer. Or not. If not, i can see life has other possibilities. I let slip to her a dinner i had last week (with a male coworker), but did not say who with. She was interested in the details, i was coy. i think she was jealous. But that is not the reason for my date. i want to spend time with a woman who wants to be with me-have some fun, talk aboiut something other than 'it', flirt a little. i want to feel alive again.<P>i know i have broken every rule here, and gone directly agaionst the advice of many on this board. i may be setting myself up for a big disappointment. i really don't care. This is the best i've felt in some time. SHE is not dominating my thoughts, my dreams, my sleepless hours. Slept like a baby last night for first tiime in awhile.<P>i'll let you know how the week progresses. My therapist will have a field day with this one!

Rock on, dude. I feel the same way. Get on with your life and if the ex don't like it? BWAAHAAHAAHAAHAA!!!!

I must admit I don't know all the details of your situation, but allow me a few general observations:<P>1: Everything that OM told you may very well be a lie! In your state, you are likely to believe whatever you want to believe, regardless of whether or not it is actually true. When my EX was deep in her EA with OM, I thought HE was the bad guy. I had no idea that SHE was the one who pursued HIM. Bottom line: your perceptions are really screwed up at this point...be very skeptical of anything your WS or OM says!<P>2: Dating...BIG NO NO! Think about this: If everything the OM said is really true, and your W is living in some fantasy land, you've just screwed things up even worse by having an affair of your own...only yours is real! In addition, in your present state (upset about your WS's EA, confused, worried about the future, etc.), you are so extremely vulnerable it isn't even funny. I, too started dating when I was separated. I was so overwhelmed by the idea that someone actually wanted to go out with poor little me that I ignored the fact that she was a total nutcase!<P>I know that's not what you want to hear right now, but you have suddenly thrown yourself into that "fog" you read about so often on this site. <P>Now, you wrote: <P>"I still love my W, and want our R to work."<P>Not if you're already dating you don't!<P>"But these two events have helped me detach. I feel much stronger."<P>False feeling of power, buddy. Sorry! You're pumped up by the attention of another person of the opposite sex, which for many married folks hasn't been had for years! Sadly, you are doing EXACTLY what your WS did to you: losing yourself in the fantasy of a temporary thing at the expense of your marriage.<P>Is that what you really want?

Well, ANB3 I think I can tell you why you are feeling so good....you made some decisions, and you took control. Whether they are right or wrong, at this point, who knows...only time will tell.<P>Did you read my posts last week, after I told h I was going back to Australia? I felt SOOOOOOO good! I couldn't work it out, because I don't want to go. The reason came to me through the week. It was because I made a choice, I gained personal power through making that choice, and I could see that he didn't like it. I had a effect on him for the first time in a long while. <P>Your w doesn't know about your date, but I know you think she will find out, and she will see you have not moped around for her. And this might make her think and this has given you some personal power. Just be careful here, the other posters have sid already that you could easily send the wrong message.<P>Take care.

You know it is interesting. I really don't disagree with anything anybody has said here.<P>CJACK you make very lucid, valid points. You are right, i guess i am doing to her what she is doing to me. And it may be a false sense of power, probably is. But i also know that for the first time in awhile, i feel alittle control over my own life. My W asked for separation, she wanted to stay in the house, she had to have the kids-she took total control of our R, and now i am essentially sitting here waiting for her to figure herself out.<P>The date thing is probably something i need to get out of my system.<P>As for the OM, i do believe what he said, because i know him, and i know my W.<P>Jacky, thanks for your thoughts. We're all in a mess, aren't we? I said a prasyer for you last night, and i appreciate your continued support here. Good luck.

I've been holding off on replying to this, trying to get my thoughts together. I hope this makes sense; if it doesn't, please view it as well-intentioned rather than judgmental.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ANB3:<BR>First, i called OM of my W's EA. Talk about akward! Met him for coffee tonight.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This was a major component of my fantasy life for a while. I know my wife's EA guy, have his phone number, address, and e-mail, and could contact him anytime. Part of it has to be driven by my seeing too many plays where the cuckolded husband and the new lover got together and "discussed things like gentlemen in a very British manner." <P>Before things went wrong with my wife, we all had dinner together a few times, I upgraded a computer he was using, we were friendly. We read a lot of the same books. He loves his children like I love mine, and I respect that. If we met without my wife being involved, I could imagine us being decent friends.<P>But I haven't done this yet, for a bunch of reasons:<P>1) It would be a big LB if my wife ever found out. Remember, I've had no D-Day, just suspicions, so this would look jealous and devious. <P>2) I'm not sure what I want to know from him. "Are you having an affair with my wife?" Well, yes, I'd like to know that, but:<P>3) I don't think he has any motivation to tell me the truth if the answer is yes. Why would he? If he is, he has gotten this far in secret, so he'd likely lie and try to continue things as they were. <P>4) If the answer would be "no," that doesn't affect the infatuation my wife feels for him. That would mean it's been going on a long time without much from him, and gives it the look of one of those life-long unconsummated passions that get people into trouble at high school reunions.<P>5) If the answer is "no" <B>right now</B>, that doesn't say anything about <B>future</B> plans or hopes. I remember (vividly and painfully) how important and attractive my wife can make a man feel when she wants to. Even if nothing is going on between them now, there's clearly a connection, a glowing ember that could be stoked and made to burn. <P>6) I could tell him I want him to move away, stop e-mailing or calling my wife (or however they're conducting this, if it even exists), but I'll bet he knows that anyway, and I can't see why he'd do it on my command.<P>So, I've come to the conclusion there's no point to such a meeting. This is between my wife and me. She went away from me because of our problems, and invested in him because of her lack of boundaries. I have to focus on me, then on us, and leave EA guy out of it.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Second, i asked someone out. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Part of me wants to do this, too, <B>but we all know which part that is.</B> I feel the lack of emotional and physical intimacy with my wife more intensely than any loss I've ever experienced- previous breakups pale by comparison; my father's death five years ago was not nearly so painful as this (of course, I had a loving, devoted spouse to help me though that). Turning my desires elsewhere would provide no relief to that pain, and in fact would only be counter-productive to my goals.<P>Lots of people (even my wife) tell me "oh, you'll find someone else when you're ready to look, they'll line up and take numbers for you." It's a nice little ego boost to hear that, but it's nothing in comparison to the happiness I felt and hope to feel again with my wife. <P>So, why am I writing all this stuff about me on your thread? Well, for one thing, I'm <I>really</I> self-absorbed right now. I'm constantly self-analyzing, comparing my experiences/feelings/thoughts to what others (here and elsewhere) are expressing. <P>But also, because of the commonalities between us, I feel a kinship to you, and want the best for you. So, I feel a need to advise you, even if it's not my place, to tread warily. I think you're in very dangerous territory. I hope for the best for you, but I'm concerned you might be sabotaging your efforts.<BR>