One year ago my husband started staying out drinking, riding his new motorcycle. Finally dropped the bomb and said he'd never been happy from day one. We had dated for 2 years and lived together. I was his first and he said that he was raised that he had to marry the one he had sex with. He said that he fell in love with sex, not me. He knew he was making a mistake on our wedding day but didn't have the guts to back out. We only ever had one fight a year the rest were typical nusance spats over housework, bad habits, etc. So i never had a clue. But now he has lived this lie for too long and had to get out so he could finally live with himself.<P>I was devestated because our 3rd child was just turning 1. I couldn't imagine putting children through that. And in fact, I warned him before we started having kids that i wouldn't get a divorce once kids came into the picture so he had be sure about me. He said he figured he was trapped because he was also raised to never divorce. so since he had to be married, then go ahead and have kids. He said the reason we never got divorced before the third was because he wanted all his kids to have the same mom.<P>i wanted to know how after 8 years together he couldn't have learned to love me. he doesn't understand that love is a choice. he thinks it's like the movies where you are just walking along and fall into it as if it were a mudpuddle and you have it, no effort. and he never got "butterflies in his stomach" over me. so therefore he never loved me. then he let me know what my faults were for him: I'm fair-skinned, he likes women tanned; he just doesn't think I'm that attractive (he said the first time he saw me, out mowing my yard, that he thought to himself how ugly I was and then he thought, "i better not say that; God might make me marry her"); i am flat chested, I wasn't trim enough (I weighed 112, 5'2" when he said this; I don't think that's too heavy for my size but my waist isn't like it used to be because I've had 3 kids for pete's sake); didn't keep house like his mom who is a clean freak and "worked and raised 3 kids" so I don't have any excuses; and finally I stopped instigating sex after getting pregnant with the first child, BUT i NEVER denied him sex, it just was never my idea first.<P>however, I went and bought sexy lingerie, started going to a tanning bed, started taking a dance class, tried harder to make the house look like dear old mom's and even had breast augmentation to get the perfect package. Did it work? No. He then said that there was nothing I could do to improve myself that would make him love me. I just wasn't his type and my personality was part of it too and I couldn't change that. that's when i realized that if we got divorced it was not my fault. this was his problem. he shouldn't have married me, prevented me from finding someone who really meant "til death do us part" and would really love me and spare me all this hurt. he admits he screwed up my life.<P>After the surgery, i found out one day in oct. that i was pregnant. it was a big shock. i had just gotten my new breasts and now my belly was going to over take them. how could i have a chance of proving i could be everything he wanted if i was pregnant again. i had to stop dance, tanning and get out the old pregnancy clothes. I feared he'd say i did it on purpose to keep him from leaving. well, i was right, and everyone at work told him that I did it on purpose too. i was stunned. if he wouldn't stay for 3 why would i be stupid enough to think he's stay for 4? plus, i had one in diapers already. i don't need the extra work! <P>the months passed, he first said he'd work on it then told me at Christmas he couldn't stay and would leave after the baby came. he badgered me to get a job. i didn't see the point in putting them in daycare when that cost as much as i could make. then he told me i'd have to work after the baby came like it or not. by march i realized my life had to go on so i planned to back to college and get a degree in teaching so i could be home with my kids when they aren't in school. <P>he moved out in may after we had a spat. during that month people at work had started to talk about the rumor that he was divorcing me. they said some pretty mean things to him and made him feel like crap. but i went into labor and he got away from them for a week and got back on track and filed papers. we signed them in july and 15 days later we're divorced. i didn't fight it because it was inevitable that we'd end up divorced. i want him if he wants me. but he doesn't. i didn't want to fight and drag the kids into our battles. plus i believed with prayer, God could change his heart and he'd find out the grass isn't greener and he had a great wife in me and want to reconcile.<P>then this weekend i found out for sure that there is no hope. my kids told me they stayed at someone's house while daddy excercised. i asked him if i knew this person, no, is this your girlfriend or something? he just smirked. I was shocked. i never really believed that he'd be dating already. i told him i didn't know this woman and didn't like him leaving the kids with someone i don't know. i'd rather he bring them back home to me if he has something he has to do. i thought that was the end of that. then that evening i went by his place to pick up the 2 month old. i walk in and see the reflection in the plateglass of a woman holding my baby!!!!! i was stunned. he brought the baby around the corner to me and i left on the verge of tears. called and told him i didn't want the kids there if she was spending the night. he said that wasn't going to happen. later that night we talked about it and i told him i didn't want ANY woman he was casually dating around my kids. he said he didn't have to get my approval to date. i said i didn't want that but i do want my kids out of his dating life. i was emotional, crying, said i hoped ever woman he dates just gives him grief and that one day he'd be sorry because he'd realize what he lost. he said he'd never come back to me, ever. that there was no need to work on something that was never there to begin with or he would have gone to counsuling with me. then he said you must still be in love with me if this bothers you. i told him that maybe i am but i had hoped i'd never have to face his dating, i hoped he'd keep it from me and especially from the kids. <P>i told him how i worried they'd think she is fun and that i was a drag because i have the responsibilites and chores of life to contend with and she's gonna be buying them things and sucking up to the kids to convince my ex what a good catch she is. she is divorced with 2 herself. i don't believe she's THE one, i think he's just out to try all the different flavors of candy out there so it's not her in particular. its any woman moving in on my children and creating a bond just to be gone in a month, who might potentially be a fatal attraction who makes scenes in front of my kids if he tries to break it off. it is bad enough that i have lost a husband of 9 years (we had an anniversary while waiting for the judge to sign the divorce papers) but i don't want to be competing for my children's love. i don't want to run into them in public being a couple and i'm out in the cold feeling unattractive and unlovable.<P>And admittedly, i am miserable that he's moving on happily into the dating circuit and i'm the one who was rejected and i have no one now. I would feel like a tramp to head out tomorrow looking for a partner to keep me from being alone or just to try to make him jealous. which he wouldn't be because he wants me to hurry and get married so he can too and be free from the emotional and financial burden of me. he did agree to pay me alimony until i graduate which is good.<P>amazingly, with all this pain he has caused me, he loves the kids as much as me...more than life. he's just a big failure as a husband and now i feel like a failure too. I really do hurt and today i cried a lot. but finally i concluded that i was not going to hide, tuck my tail or be made to feel like an outsider/intruder. he comes over here everyday to visit the kids or take them home with him and doesn't call first to make sure its ok. i'm not going to call him either. i'll go whenever i feel like seeing them or bringing them home. if she or any woman is there she's just going to have to face seeing me. after all, whomever he marries will have to deal with the fact of me because i'll always be the mother, not her, and i didn't do anything wrong, i have nothing to be ashamed of. and darn it, i think i look pretty good and could give her or any of them a run for their money. i'll let them see that if he could leave me, then what chance have they got. they can feel the insecurity like me too.<P>I'm feeling very insecure now, hopeless for a future other than lonely and old. i feel like if he doesn't find me attractive, who will? here's a link to my photo...please be kind. i know i'm no beauty queen. but i'd like to think that other women he dates will not snicker and wonder what he saw in me. <A HREF="http://communities.msn.com/octavia/shoebox.msnw?action=ShowPhoto&PhotoID=1" TARGET=_blank>http://communities.msn.com/octavia/shoebox.msnw?action=ShowPhoto&PhotoID=1</A>

Hi lafrance, <P>Welcome to MB site. You will find a lot of support here and some very good advice. Someone will give you the links to all the important information, I don't know how to do it, but in the meantime, if you go to the forums called Plan A and Plan B, you will get it from there.<P>Your post reminded me a lot of my situation, right down to the sexy lingerie bit, and my h saying there is nothing I could do to preserve our relationship...he even said he had not wanted to marry me either, but he felt duty bound, since we'd been together seven years already.<P>And the bit about how you found out about OW, my h did a very similar thing to me this weekend. Sure we're not married to the same guy? And I tried to tell him that he was not to put the kids in her presence again, but he hung up on me.<P>So, I looked at your photo, and you are STUNNING!!! I can say that so enthusiastically cos I'm a girl too, so I know you won't get any wrong ideas!!!<P>Please don't think so badly of yourself...I have done that too, and it only seems to make everything worse. You have many good qualities that he just didn't see, and now, in the future there is opportunity for you to find someone who will.<P>Take heart, and keep posting, because we are all friends here, and you will find it a comforting place to be.

Lafrance hi there,<BR>Im so sorry to hear what has happened to you. But you are not alone People here on this forum really feel for you as they have experienced similar events and you will receive good advise and encouragement from them.Although I have not been on this forum for long time, what I do know is that spouses always try and justify their selfishness by trying to depress their real emotions, for example your husband telling you that all he married you was for the sex, that he does not love you, Please, you mean to tell me that over the 9 Years that you’ve been married that you have not left your impression on him. Of course you have ,That is why is trying to justify his actions by denying his real feelings for you. And what you might find later is that hell tries and blame the marriage breakup on you, it’s happened with me.<P>I agree with you about letting your kids stay over with him with a strangers, Don’t let this happen. He must surely realize the confusion and the emotional stress that he is putting on the kids?<P>you are an attractive woman don’t let his feelings or words bring you down<P>LOOK AFTER YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS<BR>

Well I read your whole post and looked at your picture- WOW! You are gorgeous- cant imagine how he could have complained about your looks in the first place! BTW I"m a gal myself so dont think I'm hitting on you! It sounds from your post that you didnt have a firm foundation in your marriage before you had children. Unfortunately I know that kids just compounds the problems and stress in a marriage and the more you have the more this happends.( I have 3 myself so I know) It sounds like you didnt decide on a visitation schedule before you divorced- you may need to do this now to protect your kids from being shuffled around too much. I dont think its productive to put your energy into reviving your marriage at this point- why not work on rebuilding your own self? There is a good book about rebuilding your own self after divorce by Bruce Fisher. Also there is a new book I think you would like called Finding your own North Star by Martha Beck- it talks about how women can develop their own self potential and not get caught up in traps that interfere with that. Your H sounds like he is acting like a wild teenager- he probably is dating all these various gals just to avoid dealing with his feelings about how your marriage broke up. Its not really beneficial to him in the long run since eventually he'll still have to deal with the emotional fallout of the divorce. I think you did the best you could as a wife.Take care- lifeismessy

thank you girls for your sweet encouragement. i was on another board over the weekend before finding this one and the people there just bashed me. told me to get a life, they could see why he left me. proof positive to back up the scripture that talks about how the tongue has the power to heal or to harm. our words can do so much damage and yesterday was very dreary for me after reading those mean posts. one woman gloated about irritating her husband's ex by having her stepchild call HER mom. she also insinuated that i got pregnant on purpose. with all my faults, one thing i'm not is a liar or cheat. i would never bring a baby into the world for such a self serving reason as trying to keep my husband.

lifeismessy,<P>I don't want to flame you for your response here, but it nudged me a little because you suggest lafrance not work on her marriage. Lafrance clearly wants to do this or she would not be at this site. Her situation is very close to mine, and I've worked at mine for over 8 months now, and the light at the end of the tunnel is just as far away...but in my own way I'll still work on it, even tho I'm going to Oz soon. <P>So we need to encourage you lafrance to read everything you can on this site about Plan A, Plan B, Love Busting and the Love Bank; also the articles on the home page regarding infidelity. There are things you can do to give it your best chance, though nothing's foolrpoof. And the good thing about these methods is they are also making a better you, and whether or not the marriage continues, you will have a good education on the things a good relationship should include.<P>Hope I helped.<P>

lifeismessy,<P>I don't want to flame you for your response here, but it nudged me a little because you suggest lafrance not work on her marriage. Lafrance clearly wants to do this or she would not be at this site. Her situation is very close to mine, and I've worked at mine for over 8 months now, and the light at the end of the tunnel is just as far away...but in my own way I'll still work on it, even tho I'm going to Oz soon. <P>So we need to encourage you lafrance to read everything you can on this site about Plan A, Plan B, Love Busting and the Love Bank; also the articles on the home page regarding infidelity. There are things you can do to give it your best chance, though nothing's foolrpoof. And the good thing about these methods is they are also making a better you, and whether or not the marriage continues, you will have a good education on the things a good relationship should include.<P>Hope I helped.<P>

Lafrance...you have nothing to worry about. your HOT!! <BR>as far as your husband is concerned, it seems like he is the one with the problems.<BR>I know that this is hard, but you must start to realize that nothing is wrong with you, it is him.<BR>I really dont know if you can do this, but i would talk to a lawyer about your youngest baby spending more time with you than with him and his "girlfriend". The first few months of a child like with their mother are critical. And it should not be spent in the presences of another woman.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

Hello,<BR>Thanks for sharing your story. I do believe in the fell in he mud puddle, butterflies in your stomach kind of love. I think your husband is an [censored] to stay for so long if believe that was out there and he didnt feel it with you. You are a very attractive lady and I sincerely believe that one day you will be swept off your feet and look back on this and be thankful that he didnt take up anymore of your life than he did. <BR>I have a friend that hung on for dear life until the bitter end and now she see's how much of herself she lost by trying to be what he wanted and not being who she is. I am at the point now of deciding if I should leave or not. I like who I am. I am far from perfect but I dont want to lose myself to be what will make my husband happy. Dont get me wrong, I try to compromise and do as much as I can to be a good wife. I love my husband so much, but I am so tired of feeling like a failure because I cant make him happy. <BR>I wish you the best and please dont let him get you down. Anybody who can raise 4 kids has to be a wonderful person.<BR>