Help!<BR>After 7 mostly happy years together things have totally fell apart. We have now been together for 8 years, married 5 and the last 8 months have been a rapid decline. I dont know how to stop falling. We tried a semi-seperation and just saw each other about every other weekend. We made several appointments for therapy and they messed up the first 2 and my husbands schedule caused us to have to cancel the 3rd. My individual therapist said maybe it was God's way of saying that wasnt what we need. But she still says I need to give it more time before I move ahead with divorce. My attorney says I need to work on getting my finances in order before I move ahead with a divorce. My husband wont cooperate at all when I try things like the worksheets from this site or books or any other things to help us work it out. But he also says he absolutely does not want a divorce, he loves me and cant imagine life without me and our daughter. I feel like I am losing myself. I cant work this out alone. I am not willing to become a different person to make him happy. I dont want to be a single parent and put my daughter thru a divorce but I also dont want her to grow up to beleive you do what ever it takes to make the other person happy even to the point of sacrificing yourself. If anybody has any advise on how to make it work or how to know when to stop trying I would greatly appreciate it.

Sounds like you're stuck at a crossroads and either way you go will be a tough road.<P>A couple of questions:<P>1. Any affairs by either of you?<P>2. He was willing to go to counselling, is he still willing?<P>My first bit of advice is that whatever you do, take is slow. It appears that your mind is pretty much made up already and I'm not here to change that. I would suggest that you read all the stuff here on this site about Plan A and Plan B. No one here will tell you that you should sacrifise yourself for your marriage but I'm quite sure that like all of us you have some character flaws that need to be worked on. If you decide to utilize a Plan A, that's the perfect opportunity to work on yourself and make you a better person whatever the outcome of your marriage may be.<P>I can tell you that I have found some comfort through my divorce knowing that I truly tried everything to save my marriage and that throughout the whole process I took the high road.<P>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers from Kansas<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

You asked a similiar question to this in my post about Guilt and Pressure from outsiders. Read my reply to you there. I came up with 8 steps to know when enough is enough.

Notheard,<BR>Thanks so much, your advise makes alot of sense.<BR>Sam

I hate to think I gave up without doing everything I could to make it work. My vows included thru good times and bad. I feel like my husbands problems are "our" problems not just his. But I cant heal for him, I cant deal with his issues for him.<P>Sometimes I wonder if he is trying to run me off so he wont be the bad guy that filed for divorce. (Or maybe that is just wishful thinking. I know I'd like out without being the one to give up.) But his efforts to not take out his anger on me and my daughter feel like when somebody says "I'm sorry but..." For example: he hates when I do a load of laundry and dont get it put away til later. So the other night he wanted to go to bed and I said I cant I have clothes in the dryer. He said leave them and come to bed. The next day he was mad cause there were clothes in the dryer. I cant win either way. He used to not be like that and now he wants everything perfect and doesnt just say he how he feels but gets furious about it when its not. It feels like I am the only one trying to save this marriage. His only contribution seems to be saying he doesnt want a divorce. He does nothing to show me thats how he feels. <P>He saw a dr and a therapist once each and took medicine for about 6 weeks and during that time he seemed so much like his old self. He refuses to go back and says the medicine made him sleepy. We were in plan B but he came home and refuses to leave. He says if I am going to leave we might as well get divorced but if I agree he turns around and says he doesnt want a divorce he cant imagine living without me and our daughter. <P>I feel so trapped and am beginning to feel like a failure. If I stay I fail myself and possibly my daughter, she is also receiving some verbal abuse and its so hard to take care of her properly when I am so stressed. And if I leave I failed him and my marriage vows. At one point I wished that the night he attacked me he had killed me because it'd be easier to just be dead than to have to live like this. Thankfully those feeling were short lived. <P>Any advise and support you can give will be greatly appreciated.