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#701723 08/29/01 03:12 PM
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RobC Offline OP
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Guys, I dont know what to do. Wife has been calling more and more and the conversations are good. She called this time to ask me to pick up a prescription for her and my son. I agreed. She said she is still depressed and cant sleep. She wont see a counselor, but everytime I talk to her on the phone it seems as if she wants me to say something. She said great news about the home and the new home and stuff. I then ask her, why are you still depressed and she says "One day you will understand?" I asked her how long she was going to stay with her dad and she says she doesnt know. I asked about her buying a house and she says maybe next year. She seems like she wants to talk about more, but I am scared to lovebust. Should I again ask her about the counseling? Maybe some individual counseling? She is just sitting there

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I read your post, and didn't think of anything, but just as I closed it, I thought of this....<P>let her keep approaching you. This is a great sign. DO NOT LB, just listen to her. I think you're one of the lucky ones here!

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I totally agree, and didn't we pretty much decide the other day that you should let it coast like this...she is giving you clues that 'someday you will understand', don't pressure her...be patient.<P>Try to avoid asking questions that are loaded with references to time...that's major pressure. I think that once you make her feel more relaxed, she will tell you this thing that she needs to, but can't. -Mike

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RobC Offline OP
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Thanks all, I will just keep going like this. I guess I DO understand her hurt and pain. She has told me that it is depressing her that she was in a bad, 9 yr marriage and had to leave her husband. I do understand that, but what I dont understand is this is the same woman who sat at the bedside and told me I must get up and try and get some help to find out what was hurting me so much. I did and I let it out and told her 3 days before she left. What I DONT understand is why she wont get help for herself! I have suggested counseling and she said she doesnt need it, but asked if I would go by and get that script for a change in anti-d's. That is treating the symptoms not the problem. I guess I really DONT get it. It is frustrating to watch her hurt, know that help is just a phone call away.

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RobC,<P>I don't have any advice about your wife, but I do have an observation regarding what you said about anti-d's.<P>Depression is an illness - a chemical imbalance in the brain. Anti-depressants right that balance and allow the person to feel normal again. Anti-depressants treat the CAUSES of depression, not just the symptoms. That is not to say that your wife couldn't benefit from counseling, just that you need to be aware that she IS doing something for her depression if she is taking anti-d's. Perhaps someday when the anti-d's help her to feel normal again, she will see that counseling is a valid and helpful path.<P>I hope that this helps somewhat.<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

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RobC Offline OP
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Terri, thanks for your response and observations. While I do understand that depression is caused by a chemical imbalance, I do not believe that it can be that simple. She has tried several, and I mean several, anti-d's in varying dosages all to no avail. I do believe that it is much more complex than simply calling it a disease although I do understand that for many it is. Typically there is something other than a simple chemical imbalance. I believe that environmental factors play a HUGE role in the situation. Also, I believe that peoples thought processes and actions have a tremendous impact on their disposition and outlook on life. I am, right now, at the darkest point in my life - the possible loss of my wife and my love. Am I down, yes. Can I sleep, no. The fact is that we choose to be happy or unhappy and while so many other things play a role in that, ultimately it is our responsibility to respond appropriately to our dissatisfaction with life. I believe this is why drugs and alcoholism is so rampant! We dont want to DEAL with life, so lets just have some drinks, snort a line, or whatever. Dont get me wrong, I do know that anti-d's are wonderful and all and many people do in fact have a need for them, but at the same time I have to question a society that has SO much, yet is so DOWN. I know, I drank heavily while on anti-d's (not smart) and she is as well. I am doing neither now and I feel ALIVE! I choose to deal with the problems - I am tired of running or trying this med or that med, when all I really need to do it FACE my problems and deal with them. We have been taught to take the easy way, and that is why this board is FULL of divorce, separation and family destructions.<P>I could understand her if she wasnt drinking, but alcohol is a depressant and taking anti-d's while you do that is idiocy. I did and I regret that because I was a wreck.

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Maybe you should look into this: <A HREF="http://www.copewithlife.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.copewithlife.com/</A>

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Hi there RobC<P>I totally agree with you that people today always take the easy way out. Today's society has become so materialistic and our values have changed. Divorce has become the norm for families who are experiencing problems. People have lost the value of commitment. Whats this world coming to ?<BR>

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I disagree divorce is not the easy way out. I am in a marriage where W/S had 2nd affair in our marriage. She told me numerous times I want a divorce. I resisted. She did the love not in love thing. Refused to work on our 14 yr marriage, refused to go to counselling. Totally treated me with lack of any respect. I made the hardest decision of my life and that was to divorce her. Yes, we have two wonderful kids. It got to the point I was a psychlogical and emotional mess. I did the plan a stuff as long as I could to no avail. My heart was broken as well as my spirit, pride, self esteam, and self respect. So dont tell me that divorce is the easy way out. One person can not fix a marriage. One person can do irrepairable harm to one. Is divorce the easy way out maybe for some people. But the qustion one should ask is not Do I want a divorce? The real Question to be answered is Do I want to be married to this person? I know personally it was with a heavy heart that I decided I did not want to be married to my wife and sought a divorce. I believe there is a window of opportunity where a marriage/relationship can be repaired if both partners want to put forth the effort and honesty to fix it. How ever there comes a point where one needs to give up and go forward. I guess its a personal decision we each have to make. But divorce is not easy for anyone. It might seem that way on the outside looking in. But, I think we are all educated people here and I dont believe that individuals here are making rash or easy decisions.


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