Hello everybody!<P>I am posting and reposting this topic everywhere, and still no or very little feedback. If anyone gas any experience, please, respond!<P>The story in brief:<BR>Several years of very close and intimate relationship, overcoming difficulties; several years of marriage, which turned aout to be unhappy: lack of space, emotional distance, fighting; two affairs, on each side -- which, in fact, made each of us "wake up"; separation and his wish to be left alone.<P>Now it has been nearly two years after we separated; we started to see each other only three months ago, and we are always having a good time, give presents to each other, and show a lot of attention. Still, it is so far from being same as before.<P>I know, I may be moving too fast. What do men think? How slow is not too fast? I know that he needs to be let alone, and I am doing my best, but I am afraid I am overdoing this: if he doesn't call, I don't too, and it can go for nearly a week. <P>He says he doesn't know what love is any longer, and I know that I do love him and I am willing to work as much as necessary on our relationship. It is difficult to hold my toungue and not say it. I don't want to put pressure on him, I know he is still in his mid-life crisis and has to solve too many of his personal problems before he can turn to me. He speaks often about people getting out of and back into relationships, but my desire is to cry "why can't we do the same, right now?!" At the same time, I understand that this is probably the most that he can do at this moment.<P>I am afraid to do something wrong, I know that I can't make him fall in love again, and I don't intend to. I hope to induce this love, but I need to do it right.<P>Any advice?<P>------------------<BR>m145i@theglobe.com

Hey sounds like you have got it pretty tough. Just thought i would give you a little bit of advice. Dont work to hard trying to make him happy that you forget about yourself. If he is making no effort, dont abuse yourself trying to make it work. If it is meant to be, He will care enough to try.<BR> Stay strong<BR>

Easier said than done, but I agree w/ RavenRD. The more you focus on yourself and the less you focus on him, the better off you both will be. It gives him the time and space he needs and it enables you to reflect on things and get yourself together in the mean time. I am going through a very similar situation with my H. It sounds like you both may be playing the push-pull game we all play at one time or another in relationships. He withdraws, you try your best to get closer. You withdraw, he starts to sense that you may be getting fed up with trying and he straightens up for awhile. It is a vicious cycle that will continue until both of you decide to give it your all. 80/20 doesn't cut it. It has to be 100/100. A month ago, I honestly felt like I could not make it if my H and I divorced. With counseling and trying to focus more on me and less on him (it is a struggle, I know, because you just want things to be "right" again), I am starting to get to a point where I still let him know that I love him and am committed to being open and willing to try to improve the marriage, but I also had to let him know that even if things do not work out, I will still be ok. Just one month ago, I could not have said that. Be careful of the image you project. If you appear desperate and needy, his apathy will likely continue. If you focus more on you, getting more self-esteem, and doing things that make YOU happy- in spite of him-he will notice the change in attitude and it may make him realize that he better shape up or you just may leave. I strongly suggest counseling. It worked wonders for me because, honey, I was PITIFUL. Calling and e-mailing him all the time, getting frantic when I didn't hear from him or if he didn't come home, asking a million questions, breaking down into tears when he said or did mean things...I don't know if you are religious or not but prayer changes things. Pray for strength, guidance and wisdom. Meditate on Proverbs 3:5-6. I'm not where I want to be yet but I am a long way from where I was.<P>Peace and blessings <P>------------------<BR>Lynn

You just told my entire life story, I am at that point where we are trying to work it out, but when I call him or ask him over, he pushes me away, then I take the hint and move on and he is "kissing up to me' and begging me back and saying sweet things to make me think he loves and wants me. Its a yo-yo. One pushes away, the other draws closer. He says he wants to take it slow, but I can't, I know I should trust him, but I don't yet, so if we aren't together or I don't hear from him, I'm a wreak, I assume he is with another woman and he is cheating. How can I get over this fear and learn to trust him? I act like I am strong and I don't care, but it kills me inside knowing I am home taking care of our daughter and he is out doing whatever the hell he wants. I always put my daughter first and me last. I don't know how to live without him even though its been a year. I can't go a day without talking to him, its like I'm obsessed. I want him all to myself, I want us to get back together and to be happy today and now. Why do I feel this has to be rushed? I just can't bear losing him to anyone else. I shouldn't give advise on this subject, but I should listen. Love yourself before you can love him, learn to be independant and make it on your own before you rely on someone else. Be stong!

Thank you, everybody!<P>I know what it is, being pitiful, needy, etc. Been there, done this. It is over. I am meeting interesting people, and I have my life, but when it happens that he calls and says he needs to talk, I am always there for him. Last itme I was not, however -- andfor the whole week there is nothing from him. I was the last one to write, a few times, is it his turn -- or should I continue being "after" him?<P>It would be easy to let him see how my life is rolling, but when there isno contact, he can see nothing...<P>

This is for both ILM and cbroad321:<P>I have learned so much from this website from others. I'm not very good at giving advice myself but I would like to suggest that you both read LauraW's topic under Resolving Conflicts (she started in "Need your advice HollyAnn" and started a new one since that one was too long: "All these mixed feelings!!!"). There is a lot of similarities in hers (and mine) and the best suggestion was to read Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough". I feel so much better about myself and my h is loosening up. Anyone could see how tense he was around me. I was strangling him. Dobson says the feeling is trapped and for us, the abandoned spouse, to keep hanging on and pushing is the worst thing we could do. We are our own worst enemy. I know now that my h and I have to start all over. We must get to know each other again and learn to be friends again first. We had a very open conversation on Father's Day. And with the help of God and the support of the people on this website I was ok with his candidness. Just a few weeks ago I know it would have hurt me.<P>Check out the conversations on those sites. It will help.

Thanks for using me as an example. My posting is older than 10 days, so you'll have to go further back. <P>Things still haven't worked out for me, but I still have hope. My H invited me to Disney World with him and the kids at the end of July. Even if nothing comes of it, at least it's a chance to show that we can get along and have a good time as friends. <P>Definitely read my old posts. You'll see how far I have come. <P>Go under resolving conflicts and go back at least 30 days. It should be titled (1) Help need your advice HollyAnn. (2) Continues with "All these mixed feelings. Hope anything I have been through can help anyone else.