I'm curious as to how the men in the world view a divorced woman's name, or even if it matters at all to you.<P>I will most likely be divorced by year's end or in the process. I am considering starting proceedings myself, actually, but expect that sometime in the mid-fall I will hear something from my husband about divorce. He will have by that time established residency in a "no-fault" state.<P>7And, I've been thinking about whether or not I want to take my maiden name back after divorce. It will be a HUGE inconvenience as all of my school records, employment records, social security, retirement, driving records, bank accounts - EVERYTHING - are in my married name. I have, after all, been married for 12 years (as of Sept 9). D-Day for me will be 3 years ago on September 14.<P>I do not know what to do about my name. On the one hand, by no longer being married to my husband, it is kind of odd to keep his name. On the other hand, the inconvenience of changing it will be tremendous.<P>However, I wonder how it would make a prospective companion feel to know that I chose to keep my husband's name. Any thoughts from the men (or women, I don't mind) about that? Would it bother you to know that a woman you were dating had kept her married name even after a divorce?<P>Thanks in advance for any responses.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Terri - I too am anxious to hear the answer to your question; my court date is October 8 for our divorce to be final. I have to let my husband know sometime between now and then if I want my maiden name back, and if so, I have to provide him with something in writing to give to the judge. <P>Since I am not the plantiff I am not even going to appear in court and only have to give him something in writing.<P>At this time however all my e-mail contacts, business cards, retirement - eveything is in my married name. It is a huge hassle and I am not sure if I care to keep the name or drop it. I am not fretting over keeping it as I have had it now for eight years but everyone of my friends are saying that I really should consider taking my maiden name back.<P>So - let's hear what the guys say..?

From what I hear it is very common for XW's to keep the married name, especially after being married for any length of time. The name is not really 'his' name anymore, but yours' together. And so upon speration if you choose to keep the name then I don't see why anyone would have a problem.<P>My XW and I just divorced 3 months ago. She never even thought of changing her name back. She actually said she had been a Moyers longer than she had been her maiden name. <P>Now what you might think funny is that she got remarried last week. Funny part, she still kept my name. She did not choose to change to her new married name. She claimed it to be to make it easier on our kids, but she also admitted that she will always be a Moyers. It didn't bother me that she ket it. The only thing that would have bothered me was if she hyphenated it. If she combined my last name and that of her new husband. Faux Pas! (SP)<P>So honestly if I were to meet a divorced women and she still had her married name I would not think anything of it. Plus it would be a huge hassle to change it. Good Luck on whatever you decide.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

I know women who have reverted to the maiden name, kept the married name, and who have invented their own new names because they didn't want either. When women I know have kept the married name, I've always assumed it was for convenience (professionally, kids, etc.).<p>[This message has been edited by dabigtrain (edited August 29, 2001).]

Hi Terri,<P>As you know, I've been D for almost 2.5 mos. I kept my H's surname as my last name altho, when we were married I kept my maiden name as well ... yeah that 'ole hyphenated thingy. What a complete hassel THAT is!<P>To change my name was just way too much of a hassel. And an added plus is that I'm sure it bugs OW that I have H's last name. <P>I hope you are well, Terri.<P>Lv,<BR>Jo<P>

Hi Terri,<P>If I were your prospective companion, I wouldn't mind one iota that you chose to keep your H's name. Of course, I'm ALLERGIC to bureaucratic hassles and inconvenience in general! I think any guy that would be bothered about it, is a poor prospect anyway. Sooooo, my vote is put it off til you remarry!<BR>JMHO<P>Best Wishes,<BR>Xman

Hi,<BR>Well here's one for the books, when I married my ex she had been previously married before and had a child by this man who incidently became my step-son. Upon our marriage she kept her former spouse's last name and hypenated it with mine, when I asked her the reason she simply stated that it was for her son that she kept his dad's last name which was okay with me and I accepted it. Now that she has divorced me as well and we have a daughter together, she decides to take back her maiden name and went through the hassle and inconvience of changing her name on everything simply because she thought it would hurt me one last time. Now she has a totally different last name from both her children, doesn't bother me cause when she's introduced to new people who are involved with my daughter, i.e. teacher, etc., they don't think that she is her mother. By changing her name she's created a situation for herself where she has to explain it everytime she meets someone new. Bummer.......can't say I feel sorry for her. Jax.<p>[This message has been edited by Jax (edited August 29, 2001).]

I say keep your married name. It will drive the slug nuts !<P>Sorry, just feeling naughty again today.

terri,<P>I vote for keeping whatever name you want. I don't think it's going to affect any future relationships, and if it does, well---it's probably good to find that out ahead of time...<P>

I have a very different situation with this subject. When me and my ex wife started having problems, after she told me about the OM. And we discussed divorce(or she did). She wanted to know if she could keep my name. Well i was not thinking.. so i thought..Ahhh that is so sweet..even though she is a *****. It seem like she wants to keep a part of me. And yes I looked at the gesture as a false sense of hope. Untill, i got to thinking.. HELL NO. She cheated on me, she should not get off that easy. And i realized the only reason she wanted to keep it was so she would not have to change her nurseing license, credit cards, checking account, ect.. Well when she sent the papers, i told her I would contest for a long as i could if she didnt get her maiden name back. <BR>Then at the divorce trial, she talked to me in the hall. And we talked about the name change. She said "well i really wanted to keep your name cause that is who i thought i was, it was my identity". And I said "HAHAHAHA ya right, sorry but your not a *my last name*. And i proceeded to tell her that i knew that she was only wanting to keep it for convenience, and that she was full of ****. I told her that I sure in the hell did not want my last name to be on her next marriage license and didnt want a document somewhere out there with my last name being changed to some mans last name. Especially the OM.<BR>Yes i know it doesnt matter, cause even if she does get married i will have nothing to do with it. It was just the principle of it.<P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.

I kept x's last name at the time of the divorce because I liked it more than I liked my maiden name. However, I have issues with my father's family. I really don't like that name.<P>But all through the divorce thing I kept saying that I really didn't want either name. <P>So, last fall, I took the plunge. I went to the family tree and picked a name. Not my maiden name. Not my x's name. Not my children's name. <P><B>It's MY name!</B><P>Happens to be my son's, father's, and grandfather's middle name.<P>The man I am seeing now asked out of curiosity what I would do about my name should I ever remarry. And the truth is that I have no idea. His opinion, however, is that I should keep the name I have chosen for myself.<P>My children were pretty much ok with the name change until it was a reality. Then my daughter chose to pout for a week. but I have told them that your name does not determine who you are. It is merely a label to identify you. No matter what the name, you are an individual based on who you are and what you do, not what you are called.

I did not even think about changing my last name. My daughter lives with me and we have the same last name. I think that she would have a hard time with it if I changed it. It is just easier having the same last name dealing with a new school and new address.<P>However my SO has asked if I plan to keep my name or change it when we get married. Again this did not take alot of thought on my part. If I am going to marry him then I will take his name; not hyphenated either. We are not planning on getting married for over a year from now but this subject was already on his mind.

Terri,<BR>I'm not a guy , but my brother is his new wife's 3rd H. Her 2 sons have different last names of 1st & 2nd H's. She had a maiden-2nd H hypenated name. My bro & she actually considered just adding my brother's last name, since his & 2nd H's are short, but ended up with her maiden-my bro's name hypenated. My brother of course, generally just uses the name he has always had, but the name on the house is hypenated.<P>I doubt her last name was ever a big concern for him as they met in a separated/divorced/widow(er) grief group and a previous marriage was a given.

Well, here are my thoughts. I have not faced this personally (not yet, anyway). My views are colored by children. To me, if my W wants to go to the length of a D to get me out of her life, who am I to have an opinion on her name? In fact, she started using a different version of her first name almost a year ago (before we blew up). So, I fully expect that if we move to a D, she will use another name. And frankly, if we reach that point i could care less.<P>Not so with the kids, though. I want them to have my last name, no hyphens or add-ons. That is the name they were born with, and they shold keep it. It may cause confusion for W, and maybe for the kids. But, that is part of the harvest of D.<P>Just my thoughts. Hopefully, my W wil keep her name because we will be a couple once again at some point.

Thanks everyone! I appreciate all the input. For me the name will be a personal thing - we have no children, so that is not an issue. I think I will just go forward and see how I feel about it when it gets a little closer to reality. I have no money to get a lawyer to pursue a divorce, so the point is moot at this time.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

terri:<P>Would you want a divorce right now, if you had money???

I would certainly go and see a lawyer about it if I did have the money. There is part of me that still thinks that HE should pay for it, but it is looking more and more like he doesn't have it, or that it is not important enough to him. I'm getting weary of my life being on hold...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

terri,<P>I never dated divorced women. Sorry. I knew a couple of nice ones - one VERY nice one. I think she was interested in me, but I was never married - and she had two teenagers and all that HISTORY - and it wasn't her fault that she was divorsed since her XH had an affair and divorced her... But, to answer your question, I didn't care what her name was.<P>The more important problem is whether you will compare every guy you date to your XH - and whether you will "burden" these guys with your history before they want to accept that burden. I know that for me, if I were dating a divorced woman (assuming that I was divorced - which I'm not sure that I will be), and she started saying something like "you're just like my X!" - or "my X used to do that and it bugs me to death" - then I would be outa there and not lookin' back!<P>Oh and my W often used her maiden name. Once we were out of the country and needed to pay W's tuition bill at the university before we owed a late fee and I asked my Mom to do it - and she had a hard time - cause at the University, W uses her maiden name. One bank account (joint) has her maiden name on it and another has her married name. Doctors offices use her married name - probably because she's on my insurance. When she first moved out, and was talking about divorce, she wanted to change our daughter's name and I said "NO WAY". W has a very rare last name - and likes it. She also has a rare first name. We own name domain name firstname.com. She could get a domain maidenname.com. That's how rare it is - about 4 of them in the US. She likes that.<P>-AD<p>[This message has been edited by AbandonedDad (edited August 31, 2001).]

My situation is very different from all of yours on the last name. When my Husband and I married I already had a son from a previous relationship...who carries my maiden name since he has never seen his father. When I got married I was already pregnant(moved date ahead two months when we found out) When my husband and I met he had explained that his chances of having children were slim to none...had surgery for tumors. Anyway later in our relationship before the marraige he said that he wanted to adopt my son as his own...he was happy to have a pre-maid family. Anyway then I got pregnant and we got married earlier than planned. This pregnancy has been rough thought I was losing the baby etc. Well right after I got out of the hospital again (3 months ago)he went on ANOTHER one of his of his rampages about wanting a divorce and for me to get out of his house....any way I left this time could not handle the rage and ups and downs anylonger and neither could my son.<P>So here I am pregnant married only 7 months and I never had legally changed my last name. So I am keeping my maiden name and both of my sons will too. I hope you all do not feel as if I am being awful about that I just feel if he kicked me out pregnant and all he does not care at all/<P>Funny thing is (well not funny) but his mom said I was mean for not giving this baby his last name and I told her did any of them care about this child has anyone called me to check and see how we are doing in 3 months NO! I also told her that to give one his last name and me and my other son to have a different one was making one different from the other. I am doing what I think is best for all that are involved. Which my STBX sent me an e-mail a month ago (last one) stating he was pressing charges if I did not give this baby his last name. I did not respond. I will not respond. <P>Anyway that is my take on what I am doing.<P>As far as you go, you only do what is right for YOU. And if someone can not execpt or understand that then they were not worth it to begin with.<P>K

Terri,<P>I have often thought about changing my last name. Sometimes, I don't want to because of the hassle of changing everything. And other times, because of having a different name than my children. <P>I'd go back to my maiden name but it's German and somewhat difficult to pronounce and spell. I've thought about my mother's maiden name but it's also German and difficult to spell. Right now, I'm thinking about my Grandma's maiden name. <P>My oldest son says he wouldn't want my name different from his. The other 2 say they wouldn't mind, and they want to change theirs! LOL<P>I still haven't made a decision. Who knows?! <P>Mitzi