I have been married to the most wonderful lady I ever known for 5 years now. I am 46 years of age and she is 31. This is my first and her second. We've had a few problems over the years, but I didn't think they were of a serious nature. About 2 weeks ago she came in and said that she wanted out. That took me by surprise. We sat down and talked about it. She outlined all the reasons for her decision. After she finished, I was devastated. Apparently my lack of attention and indescretion had driven her so far back, that she could no longer love ne. I never saw this coming. After I thought about it overnight, I came to realize that everything she said was very true. I had been so insensitive to her deepest needs, that I couldn't blame her. I cried a alot over the next few days. I decided to change my life. Since then I have made a 180 degree turn in my life. I look back at the way that I had been and I didn't like the person that I saw.<P>In the meantime my wife had already found someone that would listen to her and let her cry on his shoulder. This is also someone that I know. One thing led to the other and now she would rather be around him instead of me. There is no affair going on yet, but I feel that this will come. <P>To get to the point, we have at least been talking. She is still in the house because we can't afford to get either of us another place to live at the present time and there is a little 4 year old girl caught up in the middle of this. She says that she needs the space away from me to sort out her feelings.<BR>Ther is no doubt about how I feel for her. She told me that she would rather be with with the other man than to be with me at this time. I love this woman so deeply that I would do anything to make our marriage work. I am doing everything within my power to change. I am no longer the person I used to be. I told her that if she needs to go to be able to work out her feelings to do so, but that I would always be here waiting for her.<BR>When she told me that she would rather be with the other man, I thought long and hard about my response, but I realized that I could not make her happy at this point in time. I then had to make the ultimate sacrifice. I told her that if was happy being with him, to go and be with him. I only want her to be happy. I also told her that if she relized that this was a mistake, that I would be here waiting for with open arms. This was the hardest thing that I've ever had to do. To give up the woman that you love so deeply so that she may be happy again, even though it is with someone else. What can I say. When I told her all this, she was physically shaken. She couldn't believe that I was willing to let her go, but would also take her back after being with another man. I'm sorry, I may be wrong on this point, but it is truly the way I feel. I'll do anything just for the chance of maybe getting her back. <P>Tell me if I'm wrong. Is it wrong to love someone so deeply than nothingelse matters. That is exactly how I love her. I just need to find some way to get her to let me back into her heart so that I can start working on all the pain that I have inflicted upon her in the past. I am very sincere in all the actions that I have taken.<P>Am I being realistic or am I just a fool.<P>Someone please help. The pain that I'm carrying around is just too much to bear.<P><BR>May God be with us.

\<BR><p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

HollyAnn,<P>I want to thank you for you kind words and inspiration. I needed for someone to fully understand my situation. I am going to try to talk to Steve sometimes in the near future, but at this time I am unable to because of the finances. I should be able to control my emotions in the mean time. This is the hardest thing that I've ever been through and don't want to have to go through it again. We had already gone through the His Needs/Her Needs program but apparently I missed the point altogether. I've gone back and re-read the book in the last week and have found that I either didn't read it the first time or did't comprehend what it was saying. I now know that if I had paid a little attention to what was going on, I wouldn't be going through all this heartache and pain. I'm going to write her a letter expressing all the points that you have outlined. I don't think that it will do much good at this time.<BR>Even though we are conversing more now than we ever have, and bringing out parts of our innerselves that we might not would have done before, I feel that I can't continue to talk to her as I would like to, because she has such a hard shell built up around her that it would not get through. I may not be the best man around but I know that I can fill her needs better than she could ever imagine, now that I have a more detailed view of what she wants and needs. Yes, I am willing to let her go, so that maybe she can find the happiness which she so desires. But on the same thought, I will still always love her no matter what she does, and that I will be ready to take her back in an instant if she decides that is what she wants. That's all that I want. I must be crazy, but isn't that what true love will do to you.<P>Once again, thank you for all your kind and sincere words of wisdom. I will always hold them in my heart, whether things work out between us or not.<P>May God Bless

GGreene......<P> I have never seen such an unselfish act as you have just mentioned in your last post. For you to admit you would let her go to find happiness what a heart you have dear. Not to many spouses would do that for the other. I have kind of told mine that too. That he needs to find another in my eyes that will make him happy. Of coarse he does not see that. I think its great for you to write and tell her like you said you were going to. Writing feelings down is easy for me too. I feel alot better writing then speaking about them at times. Maybe because i can really say what I am thinking by writing knowing you cannot fight if they don't like what they are hearing. I think writing is also good for the soul. Even if you don't send it or let them read it. Hang in there I know being unhappy is the pits. I keep praying everynight hoping to get where I am suppose to be going with my life. Its a dark black hollow hole for me and hoping someday see that bright light again at the end of it. Take care and keep us informed.

Sounds like a good strategy to me. Read the advice on "winning back and unfaithful wife" in the columns section of this site. You have already done the first few parts. Next you need to reduce your contact with her and give him a chance to "win". Once you are no longer supporting her, she may find he is not all he's cracked up to be. And it's very important that you are separated and not in much contact with her before you get to the angry stage of grief. HollyAnn is right, the taker will start in on you sooner or later. It is very important that she doesn't see it.

To all who have responded,<P>I did write her the letter last night and placed it in a place where she would find it. In it I laid it all out. I let her know just how much she meant to me and that I was very sorry for all the pain that I have put her through in the past 2 years. I also let her know that no matter what the outcome was, that I would still love her. What else can I say. She did give me the most precious thing a person could ever be given. She gave me my daughter and for that I could never get to a violent stage with her. Don't get me wrong, I do not like the situation at all, but there seems to be nothing I can do about it but bide my time in hopes that she will see what I can give her if she would just give me an opportunity to do so.<P>She did get the letter last night when she came home and she read it. She didn't throw it away and she seemed to be in a state of conflict within herself this morning. I don't know if it will do any good, but it has got her thinking. I told her that I was tired of all the pain and that I had to go about re-assembling my life so that I could carry on. I'm presently going to school to retrain myself in a field that will allow me to get a job that will provide me with enough income to be able to support my daughter and my wife, if she'll still have me, in the manner in which I think they should be supported. I've got to be able to concentrate on what I'm doing. I need the highest grade point average that I can get, and now that is what I'm going to do. (4-point if I keep going as I am now) I also let her know that I wasn't going to bring this subject up with her anymore, but if she saw a need to talk, that I would always be there. All she has to do is let me know.<P>I think that this strategy might have some outcome on the situation, but whether or not it is enough, only time will tell.<P>Thanks for all you kind words. Between your replies to this subject and just reading the material on this board is helping me to go on. I will never forget you for coming to me in my time of need. I would really like to discuss this and other subjects because the more I can learn, the better the man I can become and never go back to being the person I once was.<P>God Bless You All<P>

CGreene,<P>Your letter touched my heart. I will not re-write things that other had written here but I would like to make a point of something.<P>When you get back together (which I am quite optimistic you both will as you are her husband and the father of her child), your wife also need to learn to be able to be open and honest with you not only about what is going on but also about her feeling towards you. I might be wrong, but she seemed as if she is kinda introvert person. Keep on repress her feelings. She gave you signs and you were insensitive about it and I think, that is not 100% your fault. Wouldn't it better if she told you upfront what she'd been feeling so the anger would have not swallow her?<P>I sincerely wish everything will work well between two of you. You are doing right. God bless your good heart.<P>------------------<BR>Time heals all wounds.<P>

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Ggreene,<P>…and absolutely do not overlook marriage counseling and personal counseling for yourself if she gives you a second try! You only get so many chances you know. We all like to think we don't need any help, and maybe we don't, but things certainly go faster and better with a mediator. Also, there is a book called "Getting the Love You Want" by Harvey something-or-other, any major bookstore will have it in stock. It might help. Plus this site, it's a good place to start too. Let us know how it goes.<BR>