I went down to the travel agent and book the flights myself...all you guys on the other thread who say he is confused by my behaviour; this will whammy him. I know he didn't think I'd buy them.<P>We're leaving on Thursday 6th.<P>Feel a real mix of emotions about this.

It is only normal to feel these mixed emotions, lighten up on yourself and take a breather, this may be what is best for now.<P>

conflicting emotions - wow - I know that feeling. Maybe we could exchange viewpoints... you know - I'd feel more certain in your situation and you'd feel more certain in mine... reason being we wouldn't be so close to the issues.<P>Well, can't happen - but, if it makes you feel better we could mentally change places for an hour. <P>later, Jan

I KNOW intellectually this is the right thing to do, and I think going back is the breather I need. There is anger, sadness, futility, and soime happiness and relief too...my very own rollercoaster ride.<P>I told my kids we were definetly going next Thursday. 8 year old was immediately angry, paying out on me and his dad, 5 year old crying and screaming because she doesn't want to leave her friends at school, the 3 year old doesn't understand.<P>I expected some reaction, so on went the kid gloves. I'm just so angry that he could put the kids through this (remember I HAVE to leave anyway if we don't reconcile).<P>I know, the fog, MLC, personality type, etc, etc, but when I see this man who is basically unrecognisable to me right now, I want to scream. Was he always like this and just hid it??? No, I know that's not true. <P>Just so frustrating.

Jacky, <P>It is terribly hard and painful to see the anger and hurt and pain in your kids' eyes. It is awful to see the fear and insecurity and tears and anger. But you know what, sweety? You are the grownup. There are going to be lots of times in their lives when you have to make a decision that you KNOW is in their best interests that they do not like. It seems that there are more of those decisions as they become teenagers (haha). So let them feel how they feel, deal with their emotions and your emotions, and KNOW in your head and in your heart that you are doing the right thing. <P>Jacky, you would have to leave anyway, right? There is NO option there. Is it in the best interests of the children to be with the parent who is caring about THE KIDS first? Is it in the best interests of the children to be somewhere that is familiar--where gramma and grampa live? Is it in the best interests of the children to be somewhere where mom can provide for them and give them the best possible house and food and clothes? <P>You are doing the right thing, sweety, and YOU KNOW IT!!<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Nina too<P>I think that you have made the right decision for your kids and yourself. You do not want to put anymore emotional stress on your kids and confusion, by staying here and by letting your husband parade his trophy (Girlfriend in front of your kids.<P>God bless and be strong for your kids sake<BR> <BR>Regards<BR>GR<BR>

Thanks CJ and nowill for taking the time to comfort me, when I see you both have huge problems of your own. I really appreciate the words of reassurance that I'm doing the right thing...I know I am, and I know my kids will be better for this in the long run. <P>It kills them to see their dad by himself, never mind with her, because he always goes away again. So they won't have a lot of disruption and should be able to live a more settled life with just me, and the grandies. That's what I believe anyway.<P>H has been and gone already. I LB'd about the OW playing mummy, because he said "First off I didn't do that on Sunday to hurt you" Automatic red rag to a bull, because I know that's exactly why they did it and I still have a lot of anger there. I found out from him that it was her cute little idea to take them out...B****. She deliberately did that so I would find out.....what a selfish wretch, well both of them. That email I want to send her is getting closer to happening (NO, not really, I WILL keep my dignity).<P>He came around five, spent time with the kids, had supper, and then said, can't we talk about this another day. I said we'd better get it out of the way because we were going next week....shock, horror on his face, as if he didn't know anyway! And even more so when I said it was Thursday, not Friday as originally intended...one day early. Looked teary, said nothing at ALL...didn't want to say something he thinks he doesn't want. <P>I told him I made a list of things to talk about, he looked at it and stared at it for a long time. Then we put the kids to bed and began. Forty minutes later of comments like "We can't decide that now" and "That will have to wait untli you're in a house"...he left. Looked very sad, but did not want to give an inch. I did say at the point where he went teary that this did not have to happen, and he just shook his head. So I didn't press it.<P>He wanted to know if I was going to work, I said I can't full time because our youngest is at home....he talked about my mum babysitting or daycare. I said, no to mum, she has her own life and daycare is expensive. He said "Youll have money." I said "Oh really?" Another LB, but I don't care.<P>Then he said a slightly odd thing. We were talking about shipping the things I want, and he said I should wait until I have somewhere to live. Now he KNOW from past experience, it takes at least three months to get from here to there, including quarantine and custom checks. So I pointed this out, saying I would surely be in my own place by then. Maybe nothing, but I had a feeling that he was thinking...well it's harder to bring stuff back if he changes his mind, than just people. I don't know, maybe I was just looking for a hopeful sign. And also I was telling him where I want to live...he starts saying it's too far from anyone. I have a lot of friends there, just not family, but it's an easy journey to see them. Why would he care where I live?<P>I also told him I didn't want him to see us off at the airport...he was rather shocked at this, but I have no intention of being a blubbering mess because I have to leave him...also I am sure it would upset the kids. He eventually said he will say his goodbyes the night before.<P>Anyway, it went better than I expected...I did not shed a tear, which is more than I can say for him. It just has to happen this way, not nice, but if he's going to come out of the fog, he better not wait too long.<P>BTW he said I could take the computer, (YAY) but I don't want to wait until twelve weeks are up...so I am going to investigate having it flown in, with us.<P>And YES Mike, I did wear the jeans, not the new top, cos it was too cold, but I wore one he likes...I saw one look he gave me, that's all.<P>Thanks for the support so far.<p>[This message has been edited by Nina too (edited August 30, 2001).]

Hi Jacky:<P>I am proud of you and know you will be okay. Just wanted to say I am thinking of you!<P>Michelle

Hi Michelle, <P>Thanks, I've been thinking about you too. Did you get my letter yesterday?<P>Jacky

Hi Jacky... Well, when I first read this I was unsure... I was concerned about taking the kids now before school breaks later this Fall... bring their school year to a natural end. <P>But, as I kept on reading, you are initiating your Plan B... and have you got MOXY! I'm telling you... I don't think I'd have the GUTS to lay it on the line like you... I'm ALWAYS the one capitulating but they say STRIKE while the iron is hot after the discovery of the affair. He will definitely feel this one... <P>SO, I say... go for it. One caution... suggestion...? Please take the high road... do the dignified thing... detach with love... these are NATURAL consequences to his decision to step out of the marriage in unfaithfulness. BUT, it will tear you up inside to have vengeance... you are merely withdrawing or *upping* your drawbridge for now. You must do that or he will or you will feel like he is tramping in and out of your life and to your inner chambers... your heart and soul with no boundaries.<P>Remember you are NOT doing this to hurt him... I hope. You are doing this to preserve any ounce of love that you have left for him right? If not, re-think the whole thing. Punishing him will NOT get you where you want to go.<P>Take care!<P>Nicole<P>ps - I'm sorry you're not going to be there! I'm coming to Jo'berg the 18-21 of November and would have LOVED a chat and coffee with you! Well, it'll have to wait until I get to Australia - never been but will get their one day!<P>------------------<BR><I>"You will deceive yourself into believing that if people, circumstances, and events had been different, your pain would not exist...Your pain is the concrete way in which you participate in the pain of humanity."</I> <BR>~ Henri Nouwen ~

Hi Nicole,<P>Oh I am sorry I won't be here too, I'd give anything not to have to leave...but I just have to. Pantha and nowilltocarryon are in Jo'burg! Why not try to meet up with them?<P>No my reason is not to hurt him, I told him that tonight. That's when he said the A was not to hurt me, and I saw red. Truly, my reasons are:<P>To preserve my love for him...as this is the second affair, I feel it draining quicker.<P>To preserve his relationship with the kids. After they met OW on Sunday,(for which he was profusely sorry tonight) my son has said several times that he HATES his dad, and tonight, what's HE doing here? Gotta do something about that!<P>For my own space from the situation<P>Because I have to go anyway, since I'm feeling like crap here with no-one I may as well go and feel crap with my family<P>Because I have to get a grip on what he says to me...<P>Because I hope it will wake him up (not strictly Plan B I know, but this is going to hit him hard)<P>Because I have to know I can make it on my own.<P>No, not revenge, not because I want to take his kids away...I truly, truly don't. But in this situation, we have to go anyway, and things are getting noticably tense around us...better for the kids not to see that.<P>As far as laying it on the line? Well, I have said several times that I will have him back when he wants me, but with a commitment from him and I to work hard. I didn't say it's the end. But the way he talks I have NO HOPE of reconciliation, so I won't lose anything either way. <P>My one hope in all this darkness is this: several years ago we split up for three weeks...he came back right away when I was doing things for myself. That's why I know it will make him think. He DID not expect this today. He really casually asked, "So, have you made arrangements?" When I told him I had, you should have seen his face...and he even questioned why I paid for the tickets up front...I said really I had to, it's only a week away. He was stunned, I could see it, but BOY was he trying to hide it. Never seen so much stress around his eyes before!<P>I feel content with my decision, though it's going to be so, so hard. But I'll get there.<P><BR>

Bumping because there are still a few people I would like to hear from!