I know, stupid subject name...<P>I don't know how many of you have followed my story but I am coming to a crossroads.<P>My H wants to go camping as a family this weekend. I had previously told him that I could no longer do "family" things with him and the kids because he was still living in the same house as OW. ( house is split into two living spaces, her dad owns both, my H rents from him) This is how they met and the affair started about 3 months after he moved out of our house. Been with her about 6 weeks now.<P><BR>I really want to go with my family this weekend. I love the time we spend together. I want to be his wife. Of course, I can't sleep with him without blowing my adultry evidence. We get along great and as long as I didn't mention anything about the future, I expect that he would want to act like we are one big happy family.<P>My crossroads is this: <P>A camping trip is a great way to make some love bank deposits and simply get away and have a good time.<P>A family camping trip could be interpreted by my H as tolerence of his affair. It would be confusing to the kids as they would think we were back together. <P>I have told him no more family stuff but I want to go so bad. What to do , What to do?????? I know I can go and not LB but this will definately send a wishy-washy signal.<P>Love deposits vs. boundary violation!<P>Help if you have any ideas!!!!<P>Lynn

Take you own tent. But go enjoy the kids and the camping.<BR>That sends several messages. One you will go with your family. Two, you don't approve of what he is doing and you have responded accordingly.<P>Hope that helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Lynn I feel for you. I know I could not do it. It would have gotten my hopes and my D's hopes up when reality is he is still with OW. <P>I know there are BS's that would go on the camping trip and hope to have a good time, hope to show WS what they are missing, hope to make deposits in the LB. Sometimes it works and somethimes it doesn't. Can you do it and be ok if it does not work that way? <P>You have valid points to go and to not to go. Only you can decide. Only you know if you can do it or not. I know that I could not. I made an appearence to an important event when H made suggestions that he wanted me there. He wanted me and D there. He told me OW would be there and he did not want any scenes but he made it clear he wanted me there. I made it through the day well. They left early - she was visibly uncomfortable with the situation. He was then under lock and key for the next 2 weeks and was not even allowed to spend time with his D. He was not allowed out of her sight after that. <P>I am now divorced, have a wonderful SO in my life (also divorced), and have my D living with us. My ex did a lot of damage to me and his D. Damage that I do not think will ever be repaired.<P>CAV

I did say something in reference to sleeping in my own tent. H laughed and said that wouldn't be necessary. At this point, I'm not even sure this is a "planned" trip. Of course, I have received no details, have no idea what nights he is off other than Sun. <P>I suppose I'll just be real disappointed if it doesn't happen. <P>If not, I'm going to my Dad's at the lake. I couldn't bear to stay home alone this weekend. 2 days is enough, much less 3.<P>L<P>

Hi Peoplepleaser!<P>Please don't feel I'm wanting to bust your balloon, but I feel I should reply.<P>The kids...how will they interpret this camping trip? A few weeks ago my son told me his dad was going to ask me along to a fishing weekend...it didn't happen, but the point is this: my son was SO excited, he really believed his dad was getting close to coming home because he wanted to include me in their time.<P>Also I look at his face when Dad says he wants to talk to me on the telephone...it just lights up so much, because he WANTS to talk to Mummy!!! Big expectation from such a little thing.<P>How will your kids interpret this? They may be perfectly able to deal with it, but little minds come up with the most amazing conclusions.<P>Also I'm concerned about the legal aspect, regarding you sleeping with h after knowing about the affair. Even if you did take your own tent, it's his word against yours that you didn't sleep with him.<P>Therefore, I guess I'm telling you I wouldn't go, but again, it's your choice.<P>Take care.

Doesn't look like I'll be going camping. I asked ( yes, I just couldn't leave well enough alone) what H had planned for weekend. He said he still wasn't sure about work schedule but the way he said it, I wasn't convinced that he hadn't planned part of weekend with OW and part with us. I didn't say anything. <P>Since I was already warmed up, amongst other things, I said "you know there are some things that need to be discussed before I can commit to go with you." I don't want to send the wrong message to the kids. As much as I want to go with you, I just can't go as your buddy." <P>The kids have been talking about all of us going camping together. I know they are expecting us to be back together if we do this. They want things to feel normal for a while.<P>I reminded him it had been 21 days today since I first asked him to move out of house with OW. I told him I was willing to commit to whatever it took to make things work but he had to make the first step. <P>Several times he said "I understand what you are saying" and "I know, I know" and "I know exactly what you mean". <P>I asked what he was going to do about it. I asked what was the deal with the hugs, hand holding etc. He said he just wanted to see how it would "feel" to touch me. During this talk, which was less than 10 minutes total, he must have hugged me 20 times or wanted to leave his hand on me somewhere. I explained how confusing this was to me. He knows how much I want him so why tease me. ( I didn't say that, just thinking it) If he wants to know what it "feels" like to be with me, he should bring his sorry @$$ home. Excuse me, I just had to say that. I hate feeling taken advantage of and he is admittedly taking advantage of my weaknesses concerning him.<P>On a couple of occasions I said something about his silence pretty much letting me know how he felt. He was real quick to say, No, you don't. He says he still doesn't know what he wants. I told him he needed to figure it out. I reminded him that he had made decisions regarding a new job, a new place to live, what to buy at the grocery store, etc, etc. It was clear that he was not incapable of making decisions. He admitted he has had to grow up alot.<P>He knows that all I am asking for is for him to take some time to think in a safe place, away from influence by me or my OW. This seemed to hit him as very true.<P>As Bill said, out of sight, out of mind. Whenever he is with me, he is happy, but whenever he is away from me, he totally blocks out that I exist. He admits this. <P>He did admit to thinking that if he came home, I would constantly be *itching at him. If he has time to think that, why doesn't he have time to acknowledge the positive things I have done while he has been gone.<P>I'm just so sick of all this. I told him that if he needed more time to think, to go take it. Just leave me and the kids alone until he decides. This trying to live two lives and keep everyone happy is not cutting it for me. <P>He didn't like it at all when I suggested he should not take the kids to school everyday for a while because it was hard for me to see him everyday. He says he wants to be around us. Confusing, huh? Yeah, of course he wants it both ways, who wouldn't? He is completely in control because he knows how much I love him. I explained to him that I couldn't keep giving him more and more time unless he makes an attempt to get away from OW. I think he understands that my mind is set. Remember it's been 21 days not 2. In 21 more days, I'm going to be way past "patient", "kind" and "good-hearted". By that time, I will be hateful, ill and completely exhausted. I know that another 3 weeks shouldn't make a difference but it does. My sanity depends on knowing something soon. Call me a drama queen if you want, but I'm not the one being indecisive. <P>I've been allowing him to be part of my life when he wants to. I think it's time for him to learn what not having me, even as a friend, will feel like. I find myself thinking that he must think I'll never stand up for myself. I didn't call it off when I found out about the affair. I think he expects me to "get used to" the idea of him having a OW on the side. Well, he can get over it. I told him, if he didn't want me, to at least be honest and let me go on with my life and find someone who could love me. I have a lot to offer someone and just want the opportunity to love and be loved.<P>He understands that everyday he ignores our problems, the space between us gets larger. He just expects me to understand.<P>For instance, he said tonight that he enjoyed being with me at the game. I said "I love to spend time with you too but when you leave to go back to her...." He interupted me kind of mad like and said "I'm going to take a bath and get ready for work, period." He actually expects me to believe that he lives beside her, works the same shift as her, and they don't see each other every day. Sorry but that's a little too much to ask.<P>I've rambled on here long enough. I just needed to express my pain and frustration. <P>I know I asked for it and I'm pushing too much, but this is what I have to do right now for me. Everyone keeps saying I need to do something for me. Well, I have. I've drawn the line on my tolerence of his behavior. He knows I'm not ready to file for divorce but I am ready to make some financial decisions about what is best for me and my children. I want something that he can't give me. I might as well quit trying to get blood from a turnip.<P>Lynn<P><BR>

(((((((((((((((((((Lynn))))))))))))))))))))))<P>There IS only so much you can take. The anger and frustration you are feeling are good, go with them, let them happen, but in the meantime, try not to LB.<P>I said somewhere last night that I have hope for my situation, because another time we split for three weeks...but he came back a soon as I started to do things for myself. Well, my going home is a big step, and things are much worse this time, but I still hope he will see what I'm doing as a positive thing, and change his mind.<P>Maybe getting on with things, making big decisions without his input could shake your h up a bit. You said you wanted to sell your place...have you done anything yet? Even if it's in his name too, starting the ball rolling might give him a jolt.<P>I hope all that made sense!<P>Take care,<P>Jacky