Our divorce was final in July. I didn't fight it because I believed that God was in control and didn't want this to be the permenant solution and would bring him back to me after he had some time away from me. Now I'm afraid I should have fought the divorce because he's already dating. I didn't want to fight, make him miserable and add more reasons to not love me. Now I fear that God can't change him because we all have a free will and that God doesn't interfere with our free wills. <P>Since there are two sides to every story, I will endeavor to give his point of view and not make him look bad so you can see both sides and tell me if I need to give up and leave him alone. My story is futher down under my handle on this board.<P>I will write as though it is him speaking:<P>I met my wife at college. The first time I saw her I thought how ugly she was and then felt guilty and thought to myself that I shouldn't say that because God might make me marry her someday. She thinks it is comical because she doesn't know that I never fell in love with her. I never dated much in college because I was studying engineering and didn't have time for a dating life. She pursued me hot and heavy and we were intimate right away. I had never had sex before and discovered how great it was. Before long we had moved in together. I felt horribly guilty because my parents raised me that you only sleep with the person you marry. I wanted to get out but would always change my mind because I couldn't give up the sex. I didn't want to go out and start another sexual relationship with another and another. I put off the marriage issue because I didn't have a job yet. When I finally had an offer I knew my time was up and I had to leave her or propose. I couldn't stand the idea of breaking her heart and dumping her plus I felt the pressure to marry her because of the sex. So I tried to do something that would make her mad enough to break up with me. I asked her sister to kiss me. she was shocked to be expected. So I went and told lafrance what I had done. she immediately forgave me because she understood I was afraid of marriage. I said I had to move out because it was not right for us to live together. she said ok. I left for the night to stay with a friend. But couldn't go without the sex and came back that night, proposed and she accepted! <P>The day of our wedding I knew that she was not the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and that I was disobeying God by marrying her but I didn't have the nerve to break up at this point. Everytime we fought in our marriage I would suggest a divorce. But she never wanted it, she always wanted to make up. I've always wanted children and since I was also taught that the Bible is against divorce I figured I might as well have the children I've always wanted even if the marriage wasn't what I wanted. I became increasingly unhappy over the years. I knew I had to finally get out someday but not until I had my son. I didn't want to go and marry another woman to get a son and then my kids were from two different women. The pressures of being the only bread winner, her not keeping the house neat "because of the kids" and her never wanting sex and doing it out of obligation was getting worse. When she started house hunting again I made up my mind to do something for me for a change and bought something I've always wanted a motorcycle. Well, immediately family and friends started saying I was going wild, midlife crisis, divorce was just around the corner and that I was cheating. lafrance never said anything negative except that she wasn't as enthusiastic enough to get a sitter often enough so we could ride together. Even though she never denied me sex, she was always wanting to hurry up before the kids came knocking, never instigated it which made me feel unattractive. <P>I started staying out drinking last summer. It was eating me up. I had to finally get out. So I spilled it and she seemed to handle it well at first but then got emotional and wanted a chance to change the things about herself that I wasn't happy with thinking that would make me suddenly love her. I tried to explain that there never was love there. I saw her as a friend. I believe when the right woman comes along you just know it. that you get that butterfly feeling in your stomach and you just know it's right. I've never had that with her or anybody. I joined a gym and started working on my body. she never said a thing about my improved body. So i figured she doesn't really love me either. I didn't want her to feel unattractive and not able to attract a new mate after I left and I knew she was terribly self conscious about her small breasts so I suggested she get implants. I warned her it wouldn't keep me but I wanted her to have them for her. she said she understood and accepted my gift. I think though she thought it might keep me. <P>I saw a lawyer who told me that if I stayed for the kids that I'd eventually cheat and make matters worse. lafrance insisted I talk to the pastor. i told her talking to him wouldn't make love happen. so i went to please her. i told her i'd work at it. then she found out she was pregnant. we were really worried because she had been pregnant during the surgery and the anethesia might cause deformities in the baby. my mother made things worse by telling me that this accident on our part was due to our carelessness and that satan would use it to ruin our lives financially. At this point we already had 3 kids. then she said the motorcylce was another accident waiting to happen. so i've had no one to talk to all these years. my parents would never hear of a divorce and wouldn't support me either. my wife is the only friend i've had over the years.<P>she finally seemed to have accepted the immenance of the divorce and did something I wish she'd done years ago, plan to go back and finish college and help out with the expense of the children. she insists on them going to a christian school and that costs money and i insist that they all HAVE to go to college. so finally we started getting along peacably. I moved out in May so the kids could get used to visiting me living separately from them. I asked her not to move to the next town to attend college for at least a year to avoid cutting me off from my kids cold. she agreed. they seem to be ok with me being in my own surroundings i see them everyday after work and on the weekends. The baby came a month after i moved out. People at work had figured out something was going on and were bold enough to ask questions that were none of their business or say very cruel things. I guess i diserve it, leaving a pregnant wife. I'll have to change jobs soon. the gossip is pretty bad. after i knew the baby was ok and my wife was recovering fine, i filed the papers and she and i worked out our parenting plan and she signed. <P>This month i started dating. after all i am divorced now and want to move on to the next step of freedom. she came over to pick up the baby and found another woman here with me and the kids and got hurt. she wrote me one of her long letters and told me not to have other women around my kids and told me to keep my dating a secret from her and the kids. she acts like i have to get her approval. i told her i wasn't going to let my parents or her control my life anymore. she acted as though it was just that the lady being around her kids but it was obvious that she was jealous and still in love with me. she actually thinks God is going to make me come back to her. i told her over and over that there is no way i would marry her again. i told her if there had ever been love in the beginning i would have gone to counsuling. she also said that i would be sorry and regret leaving her and that she hoped every woman i met would make me miserable. I realize she's just jealous and in love with me but i'm not in love with her.<P><BR>OK, now that you've heard both sides from both perspectives, can anyone give me any hope for working on reconciliation? I would appreciate hearing from men and women. Are there any books I could read on winning back your ex? I love him and this is like a death. He's taken away the only husband I ever planned to have, the father of my children and now I feel like my life is over. i don't want to marry again unless it is to him. i don't want him to want another. I don't want my kids to have stepparents and stepsiblings to contend with. why can't he fall in love with me? Can't I make changes in me, show him more appreciation and affection and whatever else he needs from a devoted wife and win him back. he thinks i'm a great mom, can't i be a great wife too? I've been reading articles on saving marriages on the brink of divorce these past few days but I can't find one on saving it after divorce. Any advice anyone? Should I be praying for God to change his heart toward me and find out he does love me. We've still been having sex and since it is so improtant to him, wouldn't it be bettter to be with someone who will provide it and who loves you and is the mother of your children?<BR>

I am so sorry to hear all that you have been going through, maybe your ex and my ex are related. My ex told me that she needed someone with passion(which means they stay at the gym everyday). <BR>But enough about me. I really think your ex husband has some serious issues. And i hate to tell you this but I think there is nothing you can do for him. You have to work on yourself, and be there for your children.<BR>I have seen your picture from the other post... and trust me..he was blind..cause i think your HOT <BR>but i digress, go to the bookstore and go to the relationship or self-help section and look for any and all books on divorce, recovery, ect.<BR>Reading helped me alot, and im still not doing too good, but better than i was. And keep posting here. Any time you need to talk about something, type it up and post it.<BR>For the longest time i prayed to God to help our relationship, and to please let us get back. Then I have changed to praying for myself, and asking God to give me the strengh to move on.<BR>Alot of people dont believe this, but i think that somethings are done for our benefit in the long run. It is hard to see it right now, but I think(at least in my case) that it would have been MORE pain later on if i would have stayed with my wife.<P>------------------<BR>Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.