Hi.<P>My story in brief (thanks for reading): I've been w/ a man for over 2 years. I've never been able to go to social things with him - I always felt a tremendous amount of anxiety. Like everyone was going to judge me and later tell him that I wasn't worthy. I don't have low self-esteem, but I am very sensitive and throughout my life, people have proven to be very abrasive towards me. Probably for one, because I am very sweet, and two, because I am very pretty.<P>Ends up that when we broke up in the winter, I went to a psychiatrist and found out that I have what is termed "social anxiety". It is not a mental illness, but a fear of anxiety that is provoked in social situations which I avoid because of the anxiety. 5% of people have this disorder.<P>I always wanted to be there for him when he needed me to go to something, and he is a pretty social person by nature. I prefer one on one communication, and have a lot of friends, but I don't like being in large crowds. He does.<P>Everything else between us was absolutely fantastic. We agreed on things like money, children, where to live, what car to buy, politics, activities, what roles to play in marriage, etc. It seemed we were a match made in heaven, and we were always soooo happy - with the exception of this problem of mine. <P>He ended up leaving me b/c at the time, he thought I was being selfish - that I would only go to "MY" social events, and that I would not go out of my way to pick him up something at the store, when in reality it was my social anxiety that prohibited me from doing these things. <P>It was only when he left that I went to a psychiatrist and found out what I have been suffering from for my entire life. It was only b/c I had lost him that I cared to find out what I did wrong - that's how much I loved him.<P>Now he wants to be together again. We are doing things right - talking everything out, going slow.<P>But he wants me to change. Last night we were on the phone, and he told me that he will always love me, but he needs me to "be" a certain way. IE/ Go to social events, etc. I am presently working on this problem, but there are no guarantees that I can "kick" it. I feel like I'm not enough for him. I tell him what's in my heart; that I want to love him, and will try to profess it more, but that I have this problem, and if he could support me, it would make it a lot easier to deal with - instead of making me feel like I'm inadequate.<P>I love who I am, and I love him.<P>Do you know any way that this can work? How do I make it work? Is he wrong in pressuring me to change?<P>Is there anyone in the world that would accept me as I am? Or will I have to change, no matter who I'm with?<P>Thanks for listening, and please respond. <P>

\<P><p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Thanks for responding, HollyAnn.<P>I can totally relate to your panic disorder. I went w/ my SO to the movies the other night, and panicked in the car, and lost control. I felt like I had to run out of the car. It's very hard to deal with. I'm trying out different things like deep relaxation, and my psychiatrist has prescribed some pills for me to try. It's very hard.<P>Anyway, the thing I wanted to ask you was: is it fair of me to ask him to accept me as I am? Or do I have to change, regardless of who I'm with?<P>I find the pressure that I "have to" change to be even more anxiety-inducing. It's hard enough to "re-wire" my brain w/o having to worry about someone else's expectations and whether or not they will support me as I am.<P>I wish he could just accept me. But I also see his point of view. I know he has certain needs that he deserves to be met - and I want to meet them. But I don't know if I "can". <P>Am I being unfair to him in asking him to just "accept" me?<P>I have a feeling that if we were to give this a whole-hearted try, that he would be always demanding more and more of me - probably more than I can give. I don't want to fail for him. I want to give him what he needs. But can I?<P>And what about you? Are you w/ someone? And do they accept you as you are, or do they demand that you change to suit their needs?<P>What types of panic attacks do you have? Are they agoraphobic related?<P>

Everyone has a right to be accepted "as they are", both the good points and the points that we are working on improving. However, everyone also has "needs". I don't know if his need to have you socialize is reasonable or not, never having seen you interact.<P>However, I note a misdirection of responsibility for your social interaction problems. You say everyone is abrasive towards you because you are sweet and pretty? Please be serious. I don't know anyone who responds to sweet and pretty people with abrasiveness. Most people would love to talk to a pretty, sweet girl all night. People respond to abrasive people with abrasiveness. Is there a behavior you might accidentally be falling in to as a result of your social anxiety that leaves people with a wrong impression of you? For example, perhaps if you are anxious you are not engaging in conversation with people. They might think you are acting conceited or that you think you are aloof and think you are too good for them. It wouldn't really be what you intended to do at all, but anxieties have a way of distorting our behavior in ways we often can't control. This is all just an example, I don't have any idea really.<BR>

Nonplused:<P>When I do engage in a social environment, my SO sees that I have anxiety. He SEES it. He knows how hard it is for me. I clutch his hand, and he tells me to calm down. I feel like I'm going to scream most of the time. <P>I'm not an abrasive person...AT ALL. He is the one who told me that other women don't tend to like me b/c they are "jealous". I think it's ridiculous to be jealous of me when they can be just as sweet if they want to be...and looks don't really matter, so why are they placing value on that?<P>He still tells me that that's it. Last night, I told him that I don't know how to deal with people in the manner in which he wants me to. He says to just be "confident". I don't know how. Confident to me means "rude". I can't fathom being "rude" to anyone, no matter how rude they are to me. I just couldn't sleep at night. <P>I don't find that men treat me badly. In fact, I find most of them to be quite obliging. It's the women that get under my skin. They always give me dirty looks...and when I ask sweetly to try something on, they sneer at me, and say, "yeah, whatever!", and proceed to "march" to the changerooms. How am I to NOT take that personally?!<P>He says to me, "why do you care what they think?" And to tell you the truth, I don't know. I just feel like I did something wrong that made them upset. <P>I can socialize, and he's seen me do it - and I can do it well (on the outside) but inside, I feel like I'm going to die. I appear to be "okay" while socializing b/c I've had a lifetime of experience in being very aware of how I look on the outside - so that no one knows how terrified and anxious I really feel.<P>He knows how I am, but I still get the feeling he won't accept me. He even understands WHY I feel this way (he confided that he used to be very introverted, and was not confident in his earlier years.)<P>Why can't he just support me? Isn't the fact that I've done SOME socializing enough for him? <P>I'm talking once a week, going out somewhere, dancing or with friends. I just don't feel that I can do more than that. I feel like I'll explode if I do.

Dear Taylor,<P>First of all I would like to tell you that changing someone personality is REALLY hard to do. Because you are who you are and I am what I am. Everybody is unique like everybody else. IF you are willing to change because you WANT to change, that's fine. But if you change simply TO MEET his needs, you are taking the giver the position and in the risk of loosing your head. He has to understand this because he has to realise that this is something that you also don't want to happen to you and that this is beyond your control. Do you think is possible for you to take him with you seeing the psychiatrist? Because then, he might have deeper understanding of what you are going through and that you are actually DOING something to heal it.<P>Honestly speaking, I somehow understand what you've been feeling. I also don't like to be in a crowd because I have negative feelings that I am fat, poor and have bad hair (I had 1 inches hair for years because my hair is so curly). But then, I realised that I somehow I have to outcome this. So if I really have to attend a party, I tend to focus in things that make me feel good to be there. E.g I won't consider that I have the pooerst party dress but I would consider it simple dress. I won't consider my self fat, I think I have a full figure. I let my hair grew and I straighten it. And yet, things are getting better and better and I stopped eating obsessively to reduce my uncomfortable feeling to be surrounded by people and I AM getting slimmer. <P>Maybe in your case you could think otherwise : Women are tend to get nasty to me because I am pretty but oh, look the women over there, she is prettier than me. Poor her. Women might be nastier to her. <BR>I know that talk is cheap but it's all in your head. Well, at least, it was all in my head. Good luck!!<P>Saskia<P>P.S I personally think that warm smile will melt anybody's heart, men and women.

\<P><p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Saskia, <BR>and <BR>HollyAnn: THANKS!<P>When my Dr. told me that I had social phobia and agoraphobia, I immediately felt relieved that all of the anxiety and painful experiences in my life, where I felt totally outcast and abnormal, and as though I were just inherantly less than average, were actually because of this disorder...and not because I was "bad".<P>HA: I understand completely what you're saying about what you feel would be helpful, if your husband were to do. The thing that I've realized over the past few months is that I can't expect someone to "get it" if they don't "have it". Of course if they care, they should try to, but that doesn't mean that they'll ever understand. And I can't expect anyone to understand unless they've been there. It's very hard to be able to deal with things on my own like this, for instance, but unfortunately, it just IS that way. It's nice to hear from someone who's going through something similar, however!<P>Maybe I'll ask him if he'll come to my next appointment with me. That would be wonderful if he could just kind of understand what it is I go through, and how much harder it is for those of us that are not wired properly for socializing and going out in public.<P>About your comment on only feeling valuable b/c I am attractive: sometimes I feel like that's the only reason I've ever had boyfriends. Sometimes I feel like a trophy. I suppose it didn't help when I did modelling and was offered a car to sleep with a photographer I was modelling for. Things have affected me a lot more than they do other people b/c like you're probably as inclined: I am very thin-skinned. And because I am so sensitive, I have also built in so many defenses to keep me strong.<P>It's hard, but this is who God wants me to be. I agree with you that I will have to do this for ME!, but heaven knows it's an uphill battle! <P>Thanks so much for sharing your personal experiences, both HollyAnn and Saskia, and I hope that you're both very happy in your lives. If you ever need an ear, I've got one to lend.<P>Thanks.<P>T. <P>

\<BR><p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 07, 1999).]

Best of luck for you, Taylor...just remember, that beauty is a gift from God and not a curse. Take the best out of it <BR>and remember, what is inside your heart that is what is most important and counted <P>Saskia<P>P.S Shall I suggest you to get a karate lesson? It gave me lots of confidence knowing that I could have just thomp anyone who make fun of me but I did not anyway... <P>------------------<BR>Time heals all wounds.<P>

I just wanted to say THANK YOU to both of you. <P>I appreciate it so much and see it for what it is; strangers helping strangers. If only I could help you in some way, I would.<P>Well, I just want to let you know that I think both of you are beautiful - for stretching out your time and energy to a stranger. It means so much. Hope you have a lot of people in your lives who appreciate you because you deserve it.<P> Hugs!