Here's a quandry for you all. If you've been following the story so far, you know my wife left on August 4th, and I'm plan Aing. We've had daily contact since she moved, and she tells our counselor that she doesn't rule out reconciliation; but she's still thinking D. <P>September 4th will be our 8th wedding anniversary. It's a "school night" so a date wouldn't be likely even if we were still in the same house- she'd have preps to do for the next day's classes. But I don't want to let it pass uncelebrated. A card and flowers? A small gift? A suggestion of a date for the following weekend? What do you all think?

I'm in the same boat you are except it will be our 19th. I am torn also as to what to do or not do. For our 18th, we were separated (14 months now) and he called me on the day to see how I was. I am going to send a card. He knows I still love him and want to work things out with him. He is starting to show some feelings toward me again - but very sporatic. Still in his fog!! <P>All you other MB'ers out there - What did you do or how did you spend your anniversaries??<P>Tina

In the same boat here too. My 5th wedding anniversary is Sept. 14 - been separated since July 24. My H and I go to marriage counseling on Sept. 12 (two days before our anniversary). We are just now starting to have more contact with each other but I'm not sure what to do or if anything should be done on our anniversary. Maybe I'll buy a card and hold on to it just incase the H does get me a card. Its a really weird situation because I thought my H would be back way before our anniversary. Maybe my anniversary present will be him coming home (boy do I wish).

Our ten year anniv is Oct. 6. She didnt just leave she moved across the counry and we've had only minimal contact since, but it's been cordial. With all my heart I want to <BR>fly out there for a visit, but I guess I'll just send a card and flowers...

Thanks<P>I posted the same question on the EN forum, and got some interesting responses- because the people posting there are not usually in quite the same state of misery as all of us here, the responses are considerably more upbeat. I thought y'all might be interested:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/005860.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum8/HTML/005860.html</A> <P>I'm probably going with card and flowers, or maybe a small gift- she likes candles and incense, for instance. <P>And I'm not going to do it at work, in part because professors are not easy to find during the day, and because of something she said to me the other day. We were at an open house at our daughter's school, and saw some friends- not close friends, more like acquaintences- who knew she had moved out. The W of that couple asked my W if she had settled in at her new house yet; my W told me later she wasn't ready for that question. "Maybe from my mother, or closer friends... I haven't even told anyone at work yet."<P>Interesting. I will not psychoanalyze, I will not psychoanalyze, I will not psychoanalyze...<P>Anyway, I don't want to send her a dozen roses at her office and have people ask her all day long about them- my understanding of her tells me she'd see that as pressure, a more public statement than she's ready to accept from me right now.<BR>

DBT-hope you are doing well. Our 14th anniversary fell just as things were blowing up. We were not separated yet, but the bomb had been dropped. Needless to say, it was a joke. She gave me a glorified pair of pliers, I was going to get her an artsy lamp, but it was not in stock when I went to get it, and I have never bothered to go get it since. Kinda like, what's the point. Intertesting though, she still has the card on a shelf in the kitchen.<P>Any shows of affection on my part are LBs for her. Her b'day fell in July, got her a simple card and gift certificate to a boutique I know she likes. She never even said thanks, although kids said she went right out and used the certificate. There's that expectation thing again.<P>Don't really have any advice for you on this one-think it depends on your own circumstances, and what these occasions have meant in the past. I have some wonderful memories, strangely of the same occasions she has torn down in her effort to rewrite out marital history.<P>My instinct says less is more here.<P>Good luck.

Well DBT - I guess I will try and help - it seems that alot of people on here are the BS and I am the WS. <BR>My W and I went through a Valentines Day and Anniversary while we were separated and boy was it rough. Moreso on her then on me because my thoughts and feelings were in a whirlpool that was going 100 MPH and was set at 190 degrees. I didn't know if I was coming or going and she was in a state of nausea the whole time about my feelings for her.<P>I must give her credit though, she kept herself in check and didn't make a scene either time or try to make me feel lousy about my lack of interest in celebrating these events with her.<P>I felt like "leave me alone" - "these days are just like any other so what is the big deal. Really I was feeling like crap because I knew that she was being torn up inside and my indifference to the occasion was the shredder.<P>My best advice to you is to acknowledge the occasion with a mild acknowledgement card and a personal inscription in it expressing a positive trait about her and leave it at that. Don't buy anything or do an "event" (dinner, roses, or such) because she will be more pushed away. The card will be like a pat on the back and not a smack in the face. She is expecting the smack in the face. Let her see you for the calm, mature person you are and not "Pavlov's dog".<P>I really hope this helps. I was there and am trying my best to figure your why I was there so I don't go there again. It is not a pretty place.<P>Howling Alone - aka Mark<P>------------------<BR>Sometimes a duck is just a duck

Bump

Howling Alone: Thanks for your perspective. That's what I'm leaning towards, as I posted: no big deal, but something to show I still value our marriage.<P><BR>

Hi BigTrain,<P>So it's tomorrow huh? Mine is in November and I will be well home by then. <P>Is your w still visiting you every day? Because if so, I would think that a perhaps a card and a SMALL bunch of flowers would be in order. <P>You are in a different position from a lot of us here, in that there is still a lot of contact. I think as a woman she will be expecting you to acknowledge it in a nice way if you are going to see her. BUT, don't expect her to have anything for you. If she does, well, that's great! <P>Take care!<P>Jacky

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR>Is your w still visiting you every day? Because if so, I would think that a perhaps a card and a SMALL bunch of flowers would be in order. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Just about every day- Saturday was the first day in a long while that we didn't see each other- but that was mainly because I worked from 11:30 Saturday morning straight through till 7:30 Sunday morning. It was a nightmare. Then I had to go back to work several times on Sunday, as well- and overnight, I had to set my alarm for 2:00 am to get up, dial in to work, and start an upgrade job running. I'm completely wiped.<P>Anyway, on Sunday afternoon, I was feeling pretty glum. I hadn't seen my wife or kids since Friday night, and they were out at a wedding of a distant cousin of hers- I sure would have liked to have gone. I was sitting alone in my living room, tired and overworked, and feeling sorry for myself. Tried calling some friends, but no one was around. But earlier in the day, I had talked to my wife, and she promised to call when she and the kids were getting home so I could come see them all, and at 9:30, she kept that promise. I read to the kids, then she, I, and her mother (!) sat down, had a cup of tea, and talked about the day.<P>My wife mentioned the wedding wasn't much fun- rather too formal for her tastes. "I liked ours better," she said, "it was homey-er." I agreed, wholeheartedly. When I left, we hugged and wished each other a good night's sleep. If this woman ever figures out that she loves me, we're going to have a wonderful rest of our lives.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...don't expect her to have anything for you. If she does, well, that's great! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't expect anything, but I did get her a card and a small scented candle which I think she'll dig. We'll definitely see each other, since it's the first day of second grade for our daughter, and my wife has already said she plans to come over in the A.M. so we can both take her there. <P>You're leaving for Australia this thursday, right? How long are you going to be off-line?

Hi BigTrain,<P>The card and candle sounds really nice.<P>You know, it sounds so hopeful for you....she is considerate of your needs (a BIG plus) and still gives you affection. I hope someday soon she does realise what you mean to her...<P>Okay, the last you hear from me from here will be tomorrow afternoon US time, and I probably won't get on to my mum's computer until the weekend. Of course since it is her computer, I will have limited access, so my posts will be reduced.<P>My h is supposed to organise the shipping of my stuff to Oz, and that can take twelve weeks. So I won't have unlimited time again until Christmas, or so.<P>I DO intend to drive my mum crazy about using her pc, she knows I have had a lot of support from here.<P>Here's something...yesterday my h came over to drop off a suit case. I asked if he would like to have dinner with us. First he said okay, then right away said no, it is too hard (pained expression on face). I said sorry and walked back to the house. He called after me that I didn't have to be sorry.<P>As he was leaving, I asked him if he'd like to take some supper home with him, and he said yes. When I gave it to him, he thanked me warmly. I looked him in the eye and said "It's my pleasure." Off he went. I didn't think he'd accept it at all, but you know, that little bit of Plan A!<P>I do want to give him the best impression of me before I go.

Hi Bigtrain, <P>Just wondering how your day went! Hope it was fine.<P>Jacky

don't let it go unrecognized, but don't be hurt if you don't get the response you want... in other words give it with no expectations... she may be receptive or she may react negetivly... either way you have to know in your heart that you just gave unconditional love and had no expectations for it... send her a card, flowers, her favorite perfume, whatever you want... but remember, have no expectations...<P>when i have expectations it always blows it for me... shoot my wedding 16th wedding anniversary is in exactly one month and one day. October 5th... my final d papers are due i the mail any day... so i can surely relate...

and by the way i hope your day is good and special...<P>God bless...<P>kim...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR>Just wondering how your day went! Hope it was fine.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oh, well, it was OK, but no big deal. <P>I was planning to just sneak over to her house and leave the card and gift in her front porch, but the day (and this past weekend) was too busy for that. This was the first day of the school year, and my daughter wanted to go out to dinner to celebrate (she wants to go out to dinner all the time, and can always think of an excuse for a celebration)- and since neither my wife nor I had any food in our respective houses, we readily agreed. So, the four of us went out for a meal. My wife was quite tired- she said she had stayed up 'till two a.m. prepping for classes and auditions, so we didn't exactly have a lively conversation.<P>We came back to my house, and the kids went through some separation anxiety- every once in a while, they rebel against the schedule- "I want to go to Mom's house!" etc. We calmed them down, got a bath run, and then just as she was leaving, I snuck the gift into her hands. She looked at me quite blankly. She either forgot it was our anniversary, or the idea that we would somehow mark it had never entered her head. But as kim (idostylin) suggested, I didn't have any expectations that she would reciprocate, <BR>so I didn't mind.<P>But it was kind of crazy, between the kids' general chaos and her fatigue- it would have been nicer if I just could have left it for her to find it at her house. Oh, well, I'm glad I did it anyway.<P>Thanks to all for suggestions and support. And have a safe trip, Jacky.

dabigtrain:<P>I wanted to tell you on your own thread that hearing from another husband who is going through what I am was very helpful to me.<P>I hope that you & your wife can come to some peace with your situation.<P>I also wish that I had something more profound to write right now. I will mull things over and come back tonight.<P><BR>I hope all is well,<BR>vb

My wife and I had been separated 2 months when out 25th came up in May. I knew she wanted no celebration, so I suggested we go to lunch to observe the occasions. She agreed and we had quite a dismal lunch. Still, I'm glad I tried. My efforts really hurt nothing.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by vb_guy:<BR>I wanted to tell you on your own thread that hearing from another husband who is going through what I am was very helpful to me.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That's what this forum is for, after all. Probably the first thing I learned upon finding it was that I was not alone- which was in stark contrast to how alone I felt for the first couple of months after my wife said she wanted out, when I didn't tell anyone about it.<P>Paradox for you: each situation is unique- but there are enough similarities that we can all still help each other.