I've been married to my wife for about 1 1/2 years. Ever since we have gotten married and moved in together we have had nothing but problems. We are currently seperated and living apart as a result of a fight that occured May 2. I was asked to leave because there are too many bad, hurtful, angry feelings while I am still there living in the house with her. During the seperation she still calls and talks to me on a regular basis. We have been going out, spending time together, and acting like everything is normal but when the subject of me coming back to the house comes up, she is still not emotionally ready. I have a problem with the daily contact, still doing my house hold chores, and financially supporting her (house payment) while I am not living there and I am staying in a place in which I do not want to be. I feel that she is content in the wat that things are because she is at peace in our house and she is having the best part of the relationship without wanting to experience the downside of things. The main reason we are in this situation is because I was not willing to communicate and express to her the things that made me upset and letting them mount up until I just blow my top. I really do not know what to do. We have been going to counceling for about three weeks now and it seems that we take a step back everytime we go. I want so much to show her that I am changing but it is really hard to do that when you are not in the same household. The time that she may need to completely heal may not be the time that I am willing to wait. I want my wife back but I do not know how long her healing process is going to take and is it fair for me to be helping out around the house and paying the house note in a place that I am not welcome and cannot live in. I would really appreciate any and all responces to my situation because i really do not know how long I can last. <P>------------------<BR>confused

Ostewart,<P>I guess the first thing you have to do is showing your wife this website and reading Dr. Harley's basic concept. One of the very good concept there is the 'Policy of Joint Agreement'. If she is willing to build your marriage, she will take this subject seriously. I found this policy good because it teachs spouses to take each other feelings into account and try to be as unselfish as possible. Try to meet each other's emotional need. Avoid love busters. Print out the Emotional Need questionnairs and also the Love Buster questionnaires so you both could compare and see where you both have missed each other.<BR>I personally think that a couple should stay together under the same roof and solve the problem because that's what marriage is. You are not living single anymore so leaving the house or kicking the other spouse out for being disagreed on something is unacceptable.<P>Good luck... <P>------------------<BR>Time heals all wounds.<P>

Saskia.........<BR> <P> You said we should stay and live in the same house and work it out cause thats what marriage is all about huh? So you are saying that if you are not in love with your spouse anymore no matter what you stay. Boy thats kind of a selfish statement if you ask me. There are so circumstances that maybe one just cannot do it after trying. Some just drift apart and fall out of love from past hurts. And yes I have forgiven but forget no. One person on this forum said it best. That sometimes people change so much and drift apart there is no beginning to go back to. And about people saying this well we took those marriage vows. Well yes we did but to me God does not want me unhappy for the rest of my life. I am sure he understands different circumstances to making what is right for you and yourself happy once again. Yes I have been in depression from all the crap for almost 2 years now and it has taken its toll on me. I know alot of you don't agree with what I say about marriage vows. But someday maybe someone can show me what its like to be the more giving person withougt expecting alot in return. Life is just to short to go on hurting like this. Sorry this sounds bitter I am having a hard time right now.

Wonder,<P>Yes that is what I really think but it also depends on the problem. For example, if the husband kept on beating up the wife, of course I won't suggest the wife to stay put and finish the problem. I think that my suggestion would fit Stewart's situation because, as you can read, they still can going out and have a good time together and also Stewart did not say what was actually happened on May 2 so I presumed, the fact that they still could act normal, abusing is not the case. Stewart also stated that his wife said that she is not emotionally ready hence I thought that may be because he did not meet her emotional need (as he recalled that he is having problem in communication)and the questionnaires here could help them to have a better understanding of other's expectation. <P>Saskia<P>P.S Stewart, are you out there?<P><P>------------------<BR>Time heals all wounds.<P>

dear ostewart, hey you are in the same boat as me. we are married for 1.5 yrs and having problems. it is mean who used to blow up, but now he blows up.he hates me, therevis no love.he even beats me. today he choked me. i am still staying with him. because in the society we live i cannot leave my husband 's house.never leave because thinks get worse. stay with her and solve the problem. you are lucky that you are alone with yourvwife. i live with 12 people. sometimes we have fights because of these people.best of luck.