My H and I are D nearly 2.5 mos. Good grief, all the emotions I've felt in the last 2+ years. Does this ever get any easier??? [rhetorical]<P>The last few weeks I have felt something that frightenens me ... I think I feel genuine "hate" for my H. I feel a deep burning rage and disgust for him and the things he did to me.<P>I know this doesn't sound good. It scares me. I have nightmares about him, that he's still doing things intentionally to hurt me emotionally. I wake crying.<P>For those of you that know my story, I had cancer and my H was actively in an A. He was worse than indifferent, he was mean and abusive and uncaring. He said and did some horrible things and so did his OW by way of harrassing me over my ansering machine.<P>The thing is, I don't want to feel these feelings. I suppress them and I think that's why I have nightmares.I feel like a bad person for feeling hate like this. And it doesn't help that XH still insists on contact with me, which I have unsuccessfully tried to make him leave me alone.<P>I was in counseling for several months, but it was during the A and up thru 8 mos into separation. It did help but I think we (H & I) exhausted our shrink ...lol. I am on anti-deps (Welbutrin - 4th week). <P>Has anyone felt these type of strong feelings for their X post-D??? What did you do? I don't want to live feeling hatred for anyone. I want to be free from feeling ANYTHING for my XH. I want to feel joy in my life again. Please help!<P>Jo<P><BR>------------------<BR>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 31, 2001).]

Jo,<P>I haven't gone through this myself, but it sounds like a normal phase of mourning a marriage. You still have intense emotions that you need to let go of. I think that with time, you will feel better.<P>And in the meantime, don't do anything "illegal" with these thoughts of hate. Or at least don't get caught...

K ... how come I knew you'd respond to me??? Thank you!<P>I would never do anything illegal. I'm a chicken baby.<P>Most the thoughts that I have are how my H was such a taker and so selfish. How he manipulated me and I let him. That, and how I kept choosing to only see the good in him. <P>I asked some very close friends of mine the other day if they looked at me during my marriage like I was one of those women they felt sorry for, for being married to a "worm or a cad". And they both answered yes. They said they never wanted to say anything because I loved him and was married to him. <P>Honestly, I never really saw my H in that light. I thought he was better than he was, I am still blown away that he did this again and that he D me.<P>K, could I be feeling these strong hate feelings because the Welbutrin is fully kicking in? Just a thought.<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 31, 2001).]

Jo,<P>My heart reaches out to you! I have been following your story when I come to MBs. I feel for you, as I can tell how much you are still hurting from all of this. It is early yet for all of the feelings to have been worked through. I think some portion of hatred is a natural feeling after all that you have been through. I would think sustained hatred would not be healthy. <P>You have said that you have been trying to supress these feelings and maybe that effort is the source of problems for you. It is natural to hate all that you have been through, as well as to hate how your exH and the OW treated you. Sometimes our feelings of hate for the experience tranfers to the person, and again, I would think this is a natural human reaction. However, in the long run, it is a waste of time, energy and effort to hate someone for a sustained period.<P>Getting divorced does not remove us from having to process and feel all of the emotions. It only removes us from legal ties to our ex's. As you can see, emotional ties are a separate thing to deal with.<P>Someone posted the stages of grief awhile back, and that was a great post. The most improtant thing about it was that as we recover, we cycle back through some of the stages that we went through early on in the process. Do you think maybe you are just doing that - cycling back through some of the emotions once again? <P>You have had so much to deal with, more than some of us, with your illness on top of the A. And, each of us heals on different timetables. I am glad you are on the anti-depressants, but at 4 weeks, they are probably just really beginning to be effective. I wonder if the dreams are your body's way of processing the feelings it needs to process, but you won't let it do it. Also, your exH's continued attempts to contact you may be prolonging the healing process for you.<P>A friend told me early on that there is no way to heal unless you actually let yourself feel all the pain, loneliness and hurt that you need to feel. I thought she was nuts! But yet, once I did really feel all of these things, I came to accept them and then was able to wrap them into a tiny corner of my heart. There they sit. I am past the point of needing to dwell there or feel that again, yet, I will never forget it.<P>Do you think you might benefit from counseling, again? Your time, efforts and energy need to get off your ex and on to YOU. I really wish you happier times, Jo!<P>Take care, Desiree<BR> <P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Jo, <P>I read your post with interest earlier. I think I feel like you do somewhat. While not having nightmares I can tell I am getting angrier all the time. Think I spent the biggest part of 18 mths to 2 yrs just trying to hold our family together, then I was so depressed, worn down by H & OS that just dealing with each day was an issue, then when we 1st returned there was so much to do, & now there is a let down & I think I really feel what I have never let myself feel before.<P>There are times I hate my SBTX, I write awful emails,(usually don't send)thank goodness I can still get in his account & delet them before he reads if I do send (had to do that today). I hate having to be civil. I know it is best for the boys, I know that letting STBX come in my home, & be with YS is the best thing for YS but I HATE IT.<P>My OS doesn't want to set up formal visitation times, now he is old enough he can do what he wants, as long as I am willing for him to live here (if he starts the behavior problems he had in Singapore, he will have to live with his dad, I can't do it again)<P>YS doesn't always want to go with dad during the wk, so I let them visit here. they play games, watch tv, do homework, but it so hard. I have gotten where I just go to my room.<P>But I think that maybe we have been through so much that we couldn't deal with the angry earlier. <P>Just know that you are not the only one feeling this way.

Thank you Desiree, very kinds words.<P>I've done so many things trying to heal but never felt this much rage. I feel like the only way to relieve myself of it is to tell the person (H) who hurt me so badly, but I know in my heart it would fall on deaf ears. I don't blame the OW for the A as much as I place the bulk of responsibility squarely on XH's shoulders. <P>I agree with what you say, I need to go thru these feelings to heal. I'm willing to do the work and feel the pain, I'm just frightened of the feelings of hate. I have gone thru cycles and felt anger/hate in the last two years but this time is different, more profound. I'm going to try and get into counseling again, but this time just for me. I just don't want to hate anyone. And posting this post was very hard for me, admitting that I could feel such a strong negative feeling about someone I loved so dearly. <P>Thank you again, Desiree.<P><BR>Hi Sing,<P>I know how bad things have been for you. I have followed your story. I'm a few steps ahead of you regarding D. I just don't know how you do it with kids. It's heartbreaking to me having an entire family break apart and your WS become so uncaring.<P>That is probably very true Sing, you may not have had the energy to be angry in the past. You've been too busy trying to manage with what you had in front of you. Now comes the anger, it's so hard to deal with. I guess we both need to decide we're going to feel these negative feelings and know that one day they'll start to fade. <P>I have written several emails also to my XH. They're so terrible to read. Some of them I pour my heart out and others I am full of anger and disgust. Just like you, I have never sent them and I wrote them with the intention of never sending them. One day I hope to delete them. That's when I'll know I'll be letting go. I look forward to that day.<P>I'm willing to do the work. I want to follow what all the experts tell us to do so I can be an emotionally healthy person again. But there have been times I wish I could go to a Hypnotist and have my H erased from my memory completely. That's how bad I feel about him. <P>How in the world can you miss someone, or the idea of someone yet hate them at the same time is beyond me. <P>Just know you're not alone too Sing. I'm very sorry for your pain and anguish. You're in my prayers, sweetie.<P>Love,<BR>Jo<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 31, 2001).]

Hi Resilient,<BR>I followed your story last year, back when a page would load in a few seconds! I was/am very impressed with your ability to see the best in your H. I felt very upset with your H every time I read one of your posts. I'm not at all surprised that you would feel hatred and anger as you contemplate his behavior. Seeking out the grief counselling should help you get back on your feet in the shortest amount of time possible. Open the floodgates and let it rip! <P>Desiree, I could probably use a refresher course in the grief process myself. A link to that thread on the grief process would be much appreciated.

Resilient,<P>I'm the one who made the "great post" sometime back about the stages of grieving. (blush)<P>Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance: in that order. You will move forwards and backwards through the emotions before finally reaching Acceptance.<P>I've figured out that if I choose to be angry at my WSXW that I have to endure cycling back through the other stages (depression really sucks). It is for my own personal benefit that I choose not to be angry, but to let it go. I'm not always perfect at doing this. (like yesterday) I just figured it out. Granted, at first, these emotions need to be aired in order for healing to occur.<P>My XW, still seeing OM, is a real pain in the [censored] sometimes. She must be miserable with the choices she has made to be so angry. If she is so happy with what she chose, then why is she so angry? Maybe I wasn't the primary cause of her unhappiness after all? Duh.<P>I think it is okay to love the person they were and to avoid the person they are. I know you do your best to avoid your XH. They will drive you insane, because they are insane. I don't know about you, but an insane person's view of me has little weight. So, draw a distinction. If the person they were, who you loved, berated you, it would hurt a lot. If the person they are now, who is insane, berated you, it wouldn't even register on the radar.<P>That one person is like two different people. The person you loved is gone (at least for now). Deal with the person your XH is now as a completely different person.<P>Realize that if you are depressed, then acceptance is your next stop.<P>Kevin<P>

Bless you, Kevin!<P>You are so right on! Thank you for this. I have experienced this cycle up to and including depression, which is the pits.<P>So since I'm experiencing such hightened anger/hatred, should I expect the depression to be of equal intensity? Gosh, I hope not. <P>And another question regarding the duration of the emotion cycle, can I expect each cycle to shorten in terms of length of time? Please say "YES".<P>I'm going to start viewing my XH as you said, a completely different person. It's the only way I can reconcile in my mind all the things that have happened.<P>Thank you again for helping me understand, Kevin. I have found when I have a better understanding of what I'm experiencing, I allow myself to feel it freely without fighting it or worrying about it.<P>This really helped me ... now perhaps no bad dreams tonight.<P>Very Best.<P>Love,<BR>Jo<P>

Jo, <P>Yes (unfortunately) and Yes (fortunately).<P>The bad news... (at least what I've experienced)<P>All of that anger really wears you out (physically). All of that bargaining - coulda, shoulda, woulda, if, then, else type thinking - really wears you out (emotionally). Then it's time for depression. You are so worn out from the previous two that you hit bottom, no energy. The more energy you use in anger and bargaining, the deeper your depression will be. (really sucks)<P>The good news... (from what I've experienced)<P>The cycles do get shorter and less intense over time as you get the loss out of your system.<P>So, what are you left with? What you are experiencing is completely normal.<P>But think about this...<BR>All of that time and energy and grief you are putting yourself through has absolutely no impact on your XH. He's not around anymore and he isn't worth it anymore. He made his choice.<P>Whenever you get angry and down about everything, ask yourself who is getting hurt? I think you will find that you are only hurting yourself. Let it go. I know that is easy to say, but it is only when you let it go that you will be free from it. When you are free, you can then be happy again.<P>You are probably at the worst point along the cycle, depression without seeing an end to it. I suppose you haven't yet peeked over that wall to see acceptance. One day you will; soon, I think. But, be aware that you will fall back down in the cycle again. Eventually you will work your way all the way to acceptance. Then, you will only have pity for your XH who screwed his life up. You will pity his weakness and your XH's lack of character. The anger will pretty much disappear.<P>Then a magical thing will happen. You will realize that you endured all of this, including cancer, and survived it. You will realize that you can handle anything in life. Nothing can be worse than this. (I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy) You will learn to appreciate good things/times that occur in life and enjoy them when they happen. You will learn that though bad things/times do happen, you know that good times/things will happen again.<P>Look at the depression as a good thing. It is normal emotion and acceptance follows.<P>Kevin

Hey Jo!<P>I felt hate for my ex before and after the divorce.<P>2 yrs ago, before he left, my grandma was extremely ill. She was in the hospital and wasn't expected to live. She was there for 6 weeks and during that time, I wanted to be with her a lot. I asked my then H to come straight home from work and keep the kids for me so I could go, instead of him going to the bar. Well...that was too much to ask. One night I called him at work and asked him if he would be home. He started yelling at me and told me that it was taking my gran too long to die and he didn't want to hear anything more about her until we knew when the funeral was. I think it was at that moment, I truly started to hate him. <P>My gran recovered and died this past May and I was VERY tempted to call him and tell him when the funeral was! But I didn't. <P>It's very natural to feel hate for the ex. I did for a while but I don't anymore. I feel nothing for him. He is the "father" of my children (if that's what you want to call him) and that's it! <P>I think it will all pass for you. Just let yourself feel the feelings and I'm sure you'll move forward. <P>(((((HUGS)))))<BR>Mitzi

Kevin, thanks for the information on your original post about the stages of grief, as I don't know how to create the links. I have to say that I agree with virtually everything you wrote about the grief/recovery process.<P>Jo, I am a bit further in healing than you are. I have been D for almost 1 1/2 years now. My exH married the OW within a couple months after our D was final. I think after the D, you really begin to let yourself "feel" all the things you don't when your entire focus is on saving the marriage. Think back - during the A you were expending alot of energy, effort and focus on marital restoration. When you are doing that, I believe that you tend to minimize the negative feelings - the true feelings of anger and disgust and even hatred. Those negative feelings are there, but they are also counter-productive to marital restoration, so often they may get pushed into our subconscious for us to deal with later.<P>Then later comes - and some of us end up divorced. Although I know there are still some here who continue to pursue marital restoration even after divorce, others of us do not. In order to move forward, you have to be able to leave this all behind in the right kind of way. It happened, you understand the amount you can understand about why and how it happened, you accept the outcome (even if you don't like it)and hopefully you learned a few things so you can minimize the chances of it happening to you ever again!<P>As Kevin has pointed out, all the cycles of grief must be gone through before you can get to acceptance - true acceptance. He may be right, too, that you are on the verge of acceptance. Perhaps this overwhelming feeling of hatred is just a huge purge of a bunch of negative feelings you have buried inside. If so, purge it all - feel it all - then resolve to release it all.<P>Here is a strategy that helped me. It might work for you. After my D, I also felt alot of plain old disgust with my exH. The thought of him turned my stomach. He really became quite unappealing to me as a partner, which has helped me to move on. And, I also had to deal with feelings of hatred. I even posted a thread once about intense hatred for both him and the OW on the read-only forum. The only thing that got me out of it - OVER TIME - was to pray for my H and the OW. I pray for them still, occasionally. Let me tell you - it is HARD, HARD, HARD to pray for someone you hate. I made a deliberate decision to try each day to pray for them. Some days it worked and other days it didn't and I just couldn't do it. But, over time it will soften your heart.<P>You know, you are just going through a bad patch, again. I am most impressed with your honesty to yourself. You are doing a GREAT job, too, considering all that has happened and your exH's attempts to keep you from moving on. A bit more therapy - this time concentrating on you is another excellent idea, Jo! You prove over and over that you are smart, resourceful and truly do live up to your name - RESILIENT!!!! <P>Keep the faith, girl - your life WILL get better!!!<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>