OK heres the deal.... ive been sepertated from my wife for two weeks. WEVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 22 YEARS. she packed and is staying at her dads about a half a mile away. i have a buddy he is a man <<<< uh i did >>>>> whom was my friend before considered my wifes friend also <<<< both of ours friend but remember, he was befriended by me, my friend first via a buisness trip. my wife and i have known him about 2-3 years now. it just so happens that my wife wife knew he was going to be in town TODAY (FRIDAY)<BR>, for traffic school, that he has to attend on sat afternoon .hes a truck driver as am i.im local , he just started over the road work. ok u all with me ) cool. so my wife calls him says shes bored will u come by my dads and pick me up so i can get out for a while and do something. so he does .now remember hes to return to driving dutys sat right after traffic schools over and that I AM unaware that hes even in town during this entire episode. so he blows right past me doesnt call me, stop by , nothing ,picks her up goes to my sons and his girlfriends WITH HER to visit THEM untill 10:00 pm that night.THEN I COME TO FIND OUT ABOUT THIS SAT EVENING. From my wife <<which is a good thing>> hehehelol she said she figured that she better tell me before i found out from my son . True very True. my response is oh ,,, then u went home after that ??? i asked ??? SHE says NO WE WENT TO THE INDIAN CASINO after that. OH REALLY I ANSWERD ,when did u leave from there ???? OH I DIDNT END UP GETTING HOME UNTILL AROUND 6:00AM THE NEXT MORNING. Needless to say i fell out of my chair. i was pissed !!! she says that nothing happened between the two of them .nothing attempted, they went as friends period .... end of conversation friends !! i believe her . i know for a fact she wouldnt be unfaithfull to me even during seperation. BUT my friend, old good old pal, buddy !! My thoughts are that he broke the unwritten rule among all men. especially friends. that being, u DONT go behind your friends back while hes seperated from his wife, PICK HER UP AND STAY OUT WITH HER ALL NIGHT AND NOT GETTING HER BACK HOME UNTILL THE NEXT MORNING. PLUS I KNOW CERTAIN TYPES OF MEN AND I FEEL HE FITS THIS CATEGOREY AFTER THIS INCIDENT.<BR>that being <<<< ill take my time make her think uhhh were good friends , then hahaha i can move in on her.maybe this is HIS motive, maybe ITS not !!! regardless UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES I FEEL THAT WHAT HE DID WAS WRONG.. I NEED YOUR OPPIONION FROM BOTH WOMEN AND MEN. you see shes mad at me, BECAUSE I TALKED TO HIM ON THE PHONE AND TOLD HIM DONT BOTHER COMING AROUND HERE ANY LONGER WHAT U DID WAS WRONG AND THAT WE ARE NOT FRIENDS ANY LONGER . WELL WHAT DO U THINK ??? AM I WRONG FOR FEELING AND DOING WHAT I DID.???

You feelings are yours and they are neither right or wrong they are only feelings. Being a man I understand where you are comming from. You feel betrayed by your friend right now. I think perhaps your wife might have needed some attention and your friend was a safe person to get attention from. Tell more about why you are separated if there is know one else around. Take some time and reflect on your relationship and read the stuff on emotional needs. I also think it important to have both male and female friends and perhaps your wife just needed to be with a friend. I wouldn't make an issue with her right now. this might push her away.<P>

In my opinion being I am a W, I would be very upset. My H had a good friend who was M and he spent all his time over this persons house. The M also had a girlfriend and 3 kids. My husband's friend did something bad and got kicked out of the house and I didn't know about it. I come to find out that he's over there hanging out with the friend's girlfriend, sister and mom. I was furious. My H said he's just friends with them and that men can't have female friends because everyone assumes they as sleeping with them. I was only furious because I felt he had no reason going over there while I'm sitting at home. I told my H to put the shoe on the other foot and if that was me he would be furious and he said he wouldn't be. <P>Men and women do think on different levels sometimes and there is no way of changing their ways. I've learned that and the more I brought up that subject about him going over there, the more I pushed him away, as a matter of fact, right out the door and he's been gone since July 24.

sorry - almost posted my reply twice.<p>[This message has been edited by ela611 (edited September 02, 2001).]

Shep this isn't rocket science (I am male, married 23 years, and a ws). I made friends with a woman, and indeed it was friends at first, no ulterior motives at all, just being there for her. But in the beginning I tried to get to know her H, and encouraged her to include him, (it was on-line, so no actual getting together issues). Bit after awhile we came to be more than friends, and it was all secret after that. The point being, secrecy is the clue, it was not friendship stuff, it was dating, and is highly unlikely that it was not physical in some sense...hand-holding, touching, kiss.....and quite possibly more no matter how sure you are of your wife. These boards are crawling with bs and ws (including me) who thought such things were impossible in them or family. Read the site here to figure out how to deal with this, definitely do NOT get angry or make disrespectful judgements, you are closer than a cat's whisker to losing your wife right now....think hard, and walk softly.<P>Keep in mind they probably allready have a history from the friendship, also understand that the affair has allready started, EA at least, your wife is either decieveing you, or is in denial to herself, and as for the guy, you did a poor job of choosing a friend, my advice is make it clear you never want anything to do with him again, and if he comes around your wife you are gonna kick his [censored] into the next county [oh yeah, I guess you did that ].<P>So to answer your question, no you weren't wrong, you are right on target, let's just hope it isn't too late. <p>[This message has been edited by sad_n_lonely (edited September 02, 2001).]

I am of the opinion that many things constitute cheating. It doesn't have to include actual sex. You are supposed to only do those "special things" with the person you married. that includes in my book: hand holding, kissing, one on one nights out or even lunch. if it is purely platonic then make sure you have a 3rd or 4th person along and then you will not be tempted to do anything even subtle that would make your spouse feel betrayed. most people do those "gray area" things and feel guilty but then start talking to themselves about how it really was nothing and prepare to be appalled when you find out. then they protest how dare you suggest such a thing. <P>I also believe that when you are the one doing something like this you will suddenly say that you wouldn't be jealous if the other spouse did the very same thing. my husband and i talked about this very same thing while we were in the stages leading up to divorce. i told him if he went out to lunch alone with a woman i would consider it cheating. he said he wouldn't consider it cheating. i asked him to consider how he'd feel if i was sitting close to a man, holding hands, gazing into each other's eyes,, etc. he said he wouldn't jump to the conclusion that i was having sex with the person. that cheating is actual sex. i felt like saying, ok then i'll get a job as a lap dancer. if i don't actually have sex with any of them then i'm a good, faithful wife you wouldn't doubt! ridiculous huh?