Well, I ended up going camping but we just pitched the tent in my backyard so it wasn't really a "trip" away.<P>First of all, H says he will be here 1st thing Sat AM. He gets here around 11:30. Says he worked until 3am and went home to sleep. <P>Anyway, I was lying on the bed and he layed down beside me. We talked a few minutes about the job that he had to finish up before he could leave work, joked around a little about the kids, etc. He even pulled me over and hugged me at one point. He was talking about what type of things we could do with the kids since it was raining. I asked" are you here for the weekend or just for the day?" <P>With that, he got up and said we would go get something to eat. Never answered the question. I said that he could take the kids and do whatever he wanted. I wanted them to spend some time with him but he said he wanted me to go.<P>I didn't want to go because I could tell from his tone that he had no intention of staying long, but I went to eat because I was starving and it was a free meal No really, the kids and H refused to let me stay home.<P>We went to new place which was great, kids played at arcade, then we went to look at go-carts, turtle supplies, Wal-Mart, and the Beacon for a banana split. While at Wal-Mart I heard the kids ask him about camping at least 10 times. He was not answering or saying he wasn't sure. I finally told them that it didn't look like they would be going camping so just drop it. We would think of something else to do that was fun. I was tired of hearing about camping and tired of seeing my H dance around the subject afraid to commit one way or another.<P>Well after I said that, he said he wanted to get a few more things including charcoal??? He had decided we would roast marshmellows and hotdogs on a fire outside.<P>I found an adult baseball glove on clearance ($6 ) that I bought for him. When putting the stuff in the truck, I said I got you a glove, he said " you got US a glove". I said "I wished I thought there was an US" . <P>He had insisted that we drive his truck even though 4 in one cab is not comfortable at all. It was like he didn't want "someone" to ride by my house and see his truck there. Even when we got back later, he pulled it way down behind the house rather than parking in the drive. I didn't say anything but it was rather obvious that he was trying to hide.<P>When we got back to my(our?) house, he started cleaning out the garage. I helped him and the kids kept on and on about camping. Eventually he got the tent out and we decided to put it up in the backyard just to see if the kids were really interested. Also, we hadn't used it in several years and needed to make sure all the parts were still there. I took until almost 10pm to get everything setup including getting wood for the fire ( its a good thing I never finished hauling off all that brush)<P>The kids roasted marshmellows and weinies and we ate some boiled shrimp. He was very tired and really didn't seem happy about any of this. It was as if he was doing it against his will or he was worried that he needed to be somewhere else. <P>This made me kind of happy because I figured it would cause him problems with OW, if he spent the night away. Ha, Ha.... Let her wonder where he is and what he is doing for a change.<P>I mentioned on several occasions that I would be glad to sleep in the house if it made him more comfortable. He said it would be ok for me to sleep outside with them and the kids wouldn't hear of anything else either. We ended up sleeping on same mattress but nothing physical happened. I mean he didn't even say goodnight or anything. He was asleep before I could even get my covers straight. I layed there and ran my fingers through his hair for a while but he was out cold.<P>This AM, I get up and he is already up and asleep on my bed in the house. I was able to look in his wallet and found a card for a lawyer and a list of things that looked like OW had written down about joint custody, mutual restraining orders, equitable division, etc. She must be a real divorce expert or maybe she went to lawyer with him.<P>When he got up, we worked on new turtle tank and cleaned up the "campsite/backyard" Then he started with this look that he was leaving. I knew it. <P>I was in my room and he said he wanted me to walk him out. I said, give me your keys. He asked why I had to be like that. I told him that he was not being fair and that I didn't like pretending to be a happy family anymore. I asked if I had a good day yesterday and I said yes but it could have been bettter if I knew I wasn't along just to help with the kids. <P>He just doesn't get it. We talked about his relationship with OW. He says he doesn't see her much anymore. I asked if it was still on-going but a didn't get a straight answer. I asked again why he would not consider moving especially if their relationship was not 'hot and heavy' and he said he has considered moving into our basement or back to his mom's. He is just scared he will do or say the wrong thing. He says he doesn't want everyone to know what a failure he is and how he failed in his marriage. <P>I told him that fear was his biggest problem. He was so afraid of failing that he was afraid to even try to succeed. I told him I would make him happy if he let me know how. He still says I'm his best friend and that I'm special to him because I'm the mother of his children. I asked why that wasn't a better good start on building a new relationship but he didn't have an answer.<P>He was clearly ready to go and nothing I said or did was going to stop him. I told him to go ahead but I didn't want to walk him out because it hurt too much to see him leave. Well, he keep on and on pulling on me to get me to walk him out. It's like he can't stand it if he has to leave without my validation. It sucks!<P>He hugged me several times and again asked me to not give up on him yet. I told him that it felt like he had given up on me. He kept asking me over and over if I had a good time and I told him yes but that I wanted more than just doing things together. I want to be his wife. To connect to him on an emotional level as well as being friends. <P>I just hate all of this. It needs to stop. He thinks I'm being a total $itch if I say anything and don't gladly let him come and go as he pleases. I'm just sick of it. Now that I know he has seen a lawyer, I need to decide what I 'm going to do. I don't believe him about his relationship with her. I think I'm just being strung along. I deserve better than that so why am I willing to settle for the ways things are. I feel so weak and rejected and used. <P>He left today by lunch time, didn't want to take the kids with him. Says we might go get something to eat before the ballgame tomorrow.... What am I going do?? I'm losing myself all over again. <P>PP

Hi Lynn,<P>Well, firstly, I don't think you are losing yourself...because if you were you'd just go along with whatever he wanted, and you are letting him know that isn't the case. So I think you are actually finding yourself.<P>Secondly, although he had a lawyer's card in his wallet, it doesn't mean he's been there yet. If the notes were in her handwriting, it seems to me, they were written there so he can discuss them when he has a meeting. She may have even got the card for him "Here, honey, I did something for you today..." Yeeeeuuuccckkk! Boy, and WS's tell us we're manipulating!!!<P>Thirdly, it's a good thing nothing happened in that bed, however, it will be his word against yours if it ever gets to the court stage, but the good thing about it is the OW will drive herself crazy wondering about it. <P>Fourthly, although he is waffling, at least he is not saying a flat out NO to you, which is what I have mostly got. The only real emotion I've seen from my H was today (see my post if you haven't already). And interestingly, I didn't really care all that much about Plan A'ing today. So hang in there.<P>Be that soft place to fall, grit your teeth and bite that tongue, if you want this man. I see many hopeful signs for you, which are hard for you to see because you're in the middle of it.<P>Take care and look after yourself and your kids in the meantime. Come here and vent all you like, get a few cyberhugs. And don't think you're weak, because everyone here knows how much strength it takes to do what we're doing.<P>Jacky

Thanks Jacky,<P>I did read your post and I'm glad your H is hurting. I know that sounds cold but he needs to realize that he is hurting you and the kids whether he "means to" or not. I tend to get that same thing from my H. If he leaves, he can block out the fact he is destroying his family. Bill once said, out of sight, out of mind. I wish I had that capability but I don't.<P>I really wish I could just play along and be happy when he's around and forget about him when he's not. It's just not that simple for me. I long to be with him. I want him to hold me and to be there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on. I want his help raising our children and making decisions regarding our future. I would like at least to "date" him again. We never do anything without the kids. I want him to want to spend time with me, not just as a helper with the kids. <P>I am continually amazed that he doesn't think anything is wrong with the way things are now. He really can't see how hurt I am by this. <P>Anyway, I appreciate your time and support. What you have been through is terrible and I'm glad you have the support of your family in Austrailia. Please continue to post when you get set up there. I wish I had some great words of wisdom but I'm so tired and disallusioned, I can't see things straight.<P>Take care of yourself and your kids. God bless!<P>Lynn