Well its been awhile since I posted. I have been doing alot of lurking. Nothing has changed here for me. H and I never talk. He will call to ask if any mail has come or that sort of thing. I am very business like when I talk with him. He doesn't like that much, and he will keep finding things to ask me. I seem to only give him a yes or no answer.<P>I went and saw a lawyer on Thursday. The lawyer told me what was what. I keep saying to myself, should I be the one to file - I wasn't the one who left the marriage and I wasn't the one who kept asking for a divorce. I just figure that he feels he is better off finiancially right now not getting the divorce, because if and when we do, he will not have a pot to p*** in. Or so the lawyer tells me. <P>This was a weekend that H was suppose to have kids. He only sees them on some Sundays. He is to busy he says. Last time he saw them it was for like 2 hours about 2 weeks ago. I called and left him a message on his pager stating that Sunday was his day, and what time can the kids expect him. Well here it is Sunday night, and I still have yet to here from him. My son said that his dad did call him on Friday stating that he was going fishing with his buddies, but didn't mention anyting about seeing the kids anytime soon.<P>D called him yesterday and left him a message. He called her right back. She asked him why he has not been calling her and his answer to her was "You have my pager/cellphone number!". Now D is 9 years old. I could just kick him in the knees.<P>He left July 1, and has only seen them maybe 3 times. I guess he is having to much fun boating and playing with his friends and alleged OW.. He still denies that part of this whole thing, but his cell phone bills surely tell me that he spends ALOT of time in her area of town. He really can't explain that to me. He still will not tell me where he is living. Says at his parents house, but I know for fact that the only thing living at his parents house is his tools and things. <P>I know the marriage is over. But giving up on 18 years is a long time. But I have to really sit back and tell my self that he was not a great Husband or Father. <P>I am just angry at him for not taking the time to spend with his children. The oldest 2 are teenagers, and boys at that age need there father. But then again as my oldest boy tells me, he was never here anyway..<P>I guess I am just venting, and mad as all hell at him. I guess this is part of the process.

You are allowed to be angery, now put that anger towards something positive for you and the kids. He is confused and probably ashamed of what he has done that is why he can't face the kids. Take care of yourself.<P>

The bad part is, we know that they are not good for us and yet we still miss them. I guess because they are part of our family. We don't always get along with brothers/sisters/mothers/fathers but they remain our family. And after living with someone for years they become a part of the 'blood' connection and thats why it hurts. I'm just putting down these thoughts - don't know if they make sense.<P>It shows a selfish man that doesn't care about his children! He is in such a 'fog' as they call it, he can't even see the pain he is causing a little girl, how will he then see the pain he is causing you. Just remember that you cannot change the way he thinks - only he can do that. And that his behaviour has more to do with who he is than who you are.<P>Pantha