I need to post because I need to get these feelings out of my system. I feel like I’m dying inside slowly but definitely. <P>I have been forced to contact STXH for finalization of divorce. He has moved about 6/7 hours drive from where I live. We came to decision on a divorce settlement, and now I need to post him the papers to sign, and he needs to give me an address. I have been trying to get an address from him since last Thursday. I feel so frustrated and it hurts to talk to him. <P>The other thing that is bothering me is when I said I just want to get this finished and get on with my life – he said yes and so that he can get on with his plans. Ah ha. What was that supposed to mean. Yes it is bothering me. Does he want the slut that lives close by to where I live to move down to be with him? Agghghhhh. It makes me crazy to think about it. I know I shouldn’t. And I don’t want the nasty person that he is back in my life again. But how come it still hurts? <P>Last night for the first time in a long time, I wanted to just be held while falling asleep. You know that peaceful feeling that everything is ok. Well I hated feeling that way because I have no one to hold me. People always say it’s a good thing there are no children involved… agghghghgh again!! At least then I could love those children like crazy and they would be my world. But instead I have nothing to show for 7 years of marriage! <P>I also feel that him moving across the country is saying so much to me! Like he can't stand to be anywhere near me. That I never meant very much to him - because it is easy to leave and go so far away! That I'm not important at all, that he feels no pain at what is happening. That I am not worthy of being missed. <P>I don't know... I just want to know that I will be ok. I know one day I will, but how long does that take? It feels like I won't be ok.

Hi, Pantha,<P>PLEASE don't feel so bad about yourself. You are a good person, and we all care abou you here. You can't help what he says to you but you can help the way it affects you.<P>Trying to second guess his motives for what he says is going to drive you nuts. I have, over the last ten days, just kind of dismissed OW from my list of factors that count in this. I don't know how I came to this...it is just that she doesn't matter to me at all, what matters is my marriage.<P>As for him moving, who knows what his motivation might be, perhaps he doesn't want to be near you because he still does care about you, and can't face you through guilt. We have to remember they have feelings too, and one of them is likely to still be love. Remember they are in the fog, they are confused, even when they sound like they know what they are doing. My h held up well with his blank face until this Sunday...reality hit him.<P>And whatever the outcome, you will be okay...there's a lot of people who are far ahead of us on this board, and THEY made it through...so can we!!!<P>Take care.<P>------------------<BR>"When the going gets tough, the tough get going" - Nina's dad.

I am so sorry for the pain you are dealing with now. All i can say is that it will get better and your stbx is not worthy of you. Something I have been thinking about recently is how Princess Diana said all the volunteer work she had been doing helped her release all the divorce demons she felt. She said it did her a lot of good to help people and gave her a sense of self worth. Just remember that you are going to make it and will become a very strong person. Keep your chin up. Consentrate on yourself now. You are worth it.

Pantha - I just wanted to offer my support. It sucks that he would dismiss the value of the time you spent together. You are worth so much more. Don't let his nonsense determine how you treat yourself. <BR> <BR> I know the feeling ( know it'll be ok; but I don't feel ok). I think the answer lies in how you treat you. You are special and worth so much more ! <P> Prayers for you and your happiness.

Hi there Pantha<P>Im sorry to here that things are not going too well. Its amazing that when theres no contact with spouse that things seem to be Ok , But once there is contact again the Floodgates open and all the emotions come back. I decided to cut off my W completely, as what she did to my kids and myself. Unfortunately one cannot remove the 10 years or 7 of good memories from ones mind and that is the killer. Another thing is this person who we fell in love with has died and something selfish has seemed to take their place. <P>As seen on this FORUM time is the only healer. (DON’T ASK ME HOW LONG IT WILL STIIL HURT) because I ask myself this question all the time. <P>(Last night for the first time in a long time, I wanted to just be held while falling asleep. You know that peaceful feeling that everything is ok.) I know what you mean and for me it always happens on Sunday nights. But I do know that in time, we both will find a partner who will return out love in kind.<P>Sorry to change the subject. I saw your other thread to Nina and see that you also going to Tech-Ed.<BR>See you there and have fun. I don’t know if you were there last year but it was a Gas.<P>God Bless<P><BR>

Nina... thank you for caring.<P>It is so tough at times not to second guess his motives. I just wish that I knew that he actually felt sad that our marriage came to this. That blank face of your H reminds me when I found out about the A last October and that after he confessed the blank face was gone. So I wonder do they put up this wall so we can not see their pain. Is that for our protection? or theirs! When I told my H that all this is really working on my nerves he said it was on his too. This was while still trying to come to agreement last weekend. A lot of people have experiences of XS waking up later in the future. I doubt I will ever get to experience this, but it would mean a lot to know that he eventually figured out that I'm not the ogre he thinks I am. <P>

Sweet Pea <P>Thank you for replying. You have given me something to think about. A princess with all the worlds eyes on her, she had to be really strong to stand up and walk out on a cheating H. I doubt I would have had her strength. Helping others would be a great way to defocus from divorce. I have been thinking of helping out a charity for feral cats. Cats are my passion so I think a person should also do what they love, so I will look into this again. I have also started dance classes which is really great. Thanks for your thoughts.

Family man - thank you so much for your kind thoughts and wishes. You know when I have a head ache I always wish I could just take my head off for a while and put it back on when it is not so sore. I wish I could do that with my heart.

NWTCO<P>You seem to understand exactly where I am coming from. It must be much more difficult for you because you need the contact to get in touch with your children. She is being so selfish in that aspect. Does she not realise that she is also causing them intense pain?! I remember talking to my Psychiatrist when my H had just come home after the affair, and he was saying there is nothing we can do to change them, short of brainwashing. I wished at that time that I could then do some brainwashing to change him back into the man that I loved.<P>Sundays are terrible days to be single! About finding another partner... I don't think I am even capable of love anymore... I don't want to ever put myself in a position where I could feel this pain again. And I can never see myself saying vows again. How could I? I have said them once and it obviously didn't mean a thing. How can I ever vow something that I just don't believe in anymore. I sound cold don't I? I hope that eases with time too.<P>About tech-ed!! I wasn't there last year. But I do look forward to it and of course the fun part of it especially. Maybe we even bump into one another.<P>Pantha

Pantha<P>I know that now you think that you’ll never be able to Love again as that is the way I feel. In time to come I know that we both will thank our Ex’s for what they gave us a second chance in life and they will be the ones trapped in their continuous unhappiness, blaming others for their failures.<P>The reality of it is that we will never see their unhappiness, as they will always hide this from us.<BR>But the wheel in their life will turn that is for certain.<P>NWTCO<P>