<BR> I need to go to plan B; I was curious when you knew it was time for you. I'm trying to set up a session for Steve this week. Thanks for your help.<P> Hey- did it have any effect? Thanks<P> This is the letter. Of course it's format is due to this forum.<P><BR>Dear Beautiful *, <BR>I am writing to you to apologize for my part in creating an environment that helped make a relationship with &^%& possible. I have not always treated you as the cherished person you are to me. I have been unable to consistently show the deep loving and caring feelings I have always had for you. I have not been able to meet your emotional needs, and now there is suffering for these mistakes. <BR>I want, with all of my heart, the chance to prove to you that our relationship can be great. For both of us. I want to continue to work on changing and rebuilding our relationship, with a focus on our happiness together, but I cannot do that until you end your relationship with @#$% completely.<BR> I know our life together can be so much better than it ever was if we can have the chance to work on it and make the necessary changes. We have so much to look forward to as the kids grow up. I hope to share all of those wonderful blessings with you. I want to work on changing and enjoy seeing you happy, but I cannot do that until you end your relationship with @#$% completely. <BR>Until then, I cannot see or talk to you. I can pick up the kids from school and from your mom's, and drop them off where they can be picked up.<BR>Please respect the terms of this separation. I am not doing this to try to "punish" you, only to protect myself from the unhappiness I feel when you continue to see @#$%. As you know I have suffered alot due to the relationship with @#$@ , and I cannot spend time with you knowing that you are with him. It is too painful for me. I love you very much, and really enjoy your company, but I cannot bear to be with you under the circumstances. <BR>When you are able to end your relationship with @#$% , give me a call. <BR>I know our marriage has the potential to be wonderful.I'm so sorry it was so painful for you. I want it to be better than it ever was before, and I believe we can do that together. We have so much worth fighting for. I can't imaging just walking away from it all without truly trying to save it. I want to create a marriage that will be safe from the threat of an affair. I know that if we are able to meet each other's emotional needs that threat will be nonexistent. I love you and ask you, when you can, to give our relationship a chance. <BR>-I want to grow old with you.<BR>-When I said “I DO,” I made a promise in front of God, you, our family and friends for life. <BR>-I want to be your husband, your friend, and your lover.<BR>-I loved you more that life itself while we were together and I continue to do so as I write this. <BR>*, please make the choice to work on our marriage. We had so many blessings, and I still love you now. It is just too painful to spend time you when you are still seeing @#$% .<P> With All My Love,<P> <P><BR>[This message has been edited by Family Man (edited September 03, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Family Man (edited September 03, 2001).]

The only affect plan B had on my Ex was it made him angry. It was wonderful though for me. It gave me the time to really think things through. I am still pretty much in plan B and we have been divorced now for 10 months and he is remarried. When a person plan A's to long you start to feel like a big fool. Like here you are bending over backwards to make them feel loved ect and all you get is rejection.<BR>At least with plan B you can start to get some of your pride back.<P>Jill

<BR> Thanks, Jill. Y'know I start to feel pretty good for a little bit, then bam, something ELSE comes up. I'm going to start looking over my shoulder every time I feel better!<P> Self- respect is a big issue. Plus, after too ong in Plan A it feels like it has a different dynamic. My wife readily acknowledges positive change, but doesn't change her behaviour at all. It begins to feel like I'm contributing to the affair and shows I'll accept anything. It's past time to define borders.<BR>

It's good just to write the letter...<P>Do talk to Steve...<BR>...get the guidance... and prepare yourself for all possible inevitablities.<P> <P>Jim

I thought your letter was beautiful. I'm impressed with your letter because it focuses on you, it's not mean, it's not demanding, it sets boundaries, and gives your W choices in her response. I'll be reading it again as I try to figure out what I say to my H. I tried plan A, now I'm in withdrawal, but I feel like such a meany each time I contemplate the logistics of taking the next step. I keep worrying that his feelings will be hurt. Sheesh. Your letter was very focused on you. If you don't mind me asking, did you have mixed feelings when you wrote it?

NSR - thanks for the advice. I'm trying to prepare myself emotionally for a likely divorce; it's very difficult. Of course I hope that point doesn't come. I'm hoping you're doing well, and have the relationship you deserve.<P><BR>lonesome heart - thank you for your support! I'm not sure what you mean by mixed feelings, but most likely yes. I feel a little of "every feeling" at this point. Still love her with all my heart, tired to death of this mess, angry, very, very sad, etc.<P> I'll pray for you and your husband, if you don't mind. It's a shame we're here. <P> Dan<P>[This message has been edited by Family Man (edited September 04, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Family Man (edited September 04, 2001).]

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 03:23 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>lonesome heart - thank you for your support! I'm not sure what you mean by mixed feelings, but most likely yes. I feel a little of "every feeling" at this point. Still love her with all my heart, tired to death of this mess, angry, very, very sad, etc.<P>I'll pray for you and your husband, if you don't mind. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thank you for your prayers FM. They must've helped. Today I went to a vet center and made an appointment for finding out what benefits are available. I told the receptionist my H needs counselling for ptsd and depression. Those services are available, even for the wives. Guess I looked like I needed some! I also decided to be the one to vacate the premises instead of asking my H to leave. <P>When I mentioned mixed feelings, I guess I was referring to taking steps to preserve our own selves, which is a good thing, but feeling bad about the steps we find necessary. What I want isn't on the menu. <P>I think Plan A is never finished. It's about being a better person, and we always have room for improvement. Plan A can't go on forever. When it's time to try something else, go to Plan B. Sorry your plan A didn't yield the results you wanted FM. Good luck with your Plan B.

Go to Plan-B when you have Plan-A'd long enough to show the new patterns in you relating to your wife and committed ZERO Lovebusters. When your spouce has not changed thier patterns and you feel you lovebank is about to go into the red....TALK TO STEVE HARLEY FIRST!!<P>Bill

The letter was good Dan,<BR>Plan B is hard at first, then I realized that he does not want me, he does not love me, he does not want to be with me. Therefore why should I wait for something that will never happen. He will not stop drinking for me or himself or his child.. I can do so much better. (well it sounded good, haven't found anyone who really wants me, I think all the good one's are taken) anyway that is not the point here.<BR>It is their loss and someone elses gain. Your heart has been broken it will not heal overnight nor do you want it too. I know sometimes you just want to forget.. This will make you a stronger person and a better person. Remember happiness comes from within.. <P>Wishing you well and strength<BR>Janet

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I can do so much better. (well it sounded good, haven't found anyone who really wants me, I think all the good one's are taken)</B> <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> LOL that's exactly how i feel!<P> I have always been very affectionate w my wife, that's a part of what makes this feel so unbelievable. Thank you all for your support, it makes a world of difference.<P> I talked to Steve, he agrees it's time for plan b. It may have to be a modified plan a; we work for same company, so does OM, she coaches my daughter's soccer team, we live close by each other. I haven't found an "intermediary". All these make plan b a challenge, but it's where I need to be.<P> Thank you all, your support makes a world of difference as I struggle through this. I feel myself getting stronger, learning. The price is very high. God bless us all.

Dan,<BR>With being so close to om and ex it is gonna be a challenge.<BR>But (big But) it will make you stronger to be able to do this!!!!!!!!! Let me know how things work out, keep me posted. I wish you all the best... There is a special someone for us all. I think it is that it is hard for us to open up to people after we go thru plan A and fail and then move to plan B. We will get there. We will succed.<P>Good luck Dan<BR>Wishing us well<BR>Janet

Well I mailed the letter on Friday, she rec'd it today. She is NOT happy. She says most women in "her position" are real b*****s and try to take the man for all he's worth. Keep in mind, I really was a giver, very loving. She thinks I should be grateful for the way she's handled things to date, and this letter is inflammatory, provocative, and comes from someone who doesn't appreciate her. My take. She also feels I can "drop the kids off on the curb, just don't involve her mother". <P> Most people don't welcome change, and this is a change. Plan A suggested that I would give what I could at NO COST. I guess she did some of the things she did because she could. No penalties. Plan B is not a "penalty", but a boundary. Either way, WS is pissed, and it seems like she'll be provoking things because "this is what you want".<P> Y'know, though, in Kung Fu when you are trapped you can often defeat the trap. Know how? By backing away.<P> Dan

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Family Man:<BR>[B] Well I mailed the letter on Friday, she rec'd it today. She is NOT happy. She says most women in "her position" are real b*****s <P>Hi family man,<P>I am not even close to being an old timer so I hope you don't mind but I would like to respond to your last letter.<P>If she's not being a b***h, next time you see her do me a favor and ask her to define the word b***h for me because some where I must of missed that definition. hehehehe<P>Also, I'm glad you are sticking to your guns. It looks like her way of bullying you into changing your mind, because she wants her cake and eat it too.<P>ANNA<p>[This message has been edited by Anna2000 (edited September 11, 2001).]

Hi Dan,<BR>First and fore most how are you?<BR>Glad to hear you are sticking to your mind on this and your heart in a way. We will both get thru this... <BR>I have good news kinda in a way... I might be finally getting child support... Bad news is he does not know yet and Im worried for when he will find out.. <BR>Anyway hang in there Dan.<BR>Wishing you well<BR>Janet