Well guys it seems that more things change, the more they stay the same. I have become tired of the rollercoaster and have begun taking anti-d's again and have a counseling session tonight. Wife seems a little more withdrawn again and we are into 4 months of separation. Trying to keep it low-keel and plan a'ing. Trying to take up time with golf and basketball, but it just didnt help so back on the meds I go. I had the kids this weekend and Labor day. I called the wife and asked if she was busy and she said she was just sewing. I mentioned that I had an opportunity to play golf that afternoon and I asked if she would mind if I brought the kids back to her about 1 hr earlier than we planned. She reluctantly agreed and said "It must be nice to be able to play golf whenever you want". Am I missing something. I bit my tongue and said, well I get lonely and like to be around people. I told her it relaxes me. Why does she try and make me feel bad for playing. I felt horrible. I do so much for her. I gave her more support than I had (lawyer advised against it), I take the kids to football and soccer practice 2 out of the 4 days. I help her discipline them when they get out of control (she calls me and has me talk to them). I had the chance to sit and talk with a friend of hers that lives next to us in the old neighborhood. We got to talking about my wife and what I was doing while we are separated. Her friend looked at me and said, I hope you get back together. You are doing alot more than most men would do. I dont think my wife sees it that way. I believe she thinks I OWE it to her and to an extent I do. She went as far to say that I will always have and obligation to HER and the children no matter what she decides. That is she and they are my first priority even if we get divorced. Whats up with that. I bit my tongue again and said nothing. She left, but wants me involved in everthing. All the priveleges and none of the pain. i get angry but I know I am doing the right thing and after thinking about it, I feel good. After all, all I can do is what is good and right.

Rob,<BR>You are doing the right thing for your kids. They should always be the most important. As for your wife if she decides she no longer wants to be married than you have no further obligation to her. She should no longer be a priority. How she can think that even astonishes me. Your kids will always be your kids and yes you will have to stay involved with your wife in some things but she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. If she wants this so bad then she needs to learn what totally being alone is all about.<P>Jill

Thanks Jill, I posted another topic. My wife just emailed and asked if I would help with the bills she accepted under the Separation Agreement. She gets 1300/month from me and earns 1600 take home herself. To date she has paid less than 600 towards these obligations. She is asking me to help with them. She is also paying her father rent, supposedly. My kids told me that she is interested in a home right next door to her single-mom friend. I am afraid that all of the extra money is going into buying that house. I told her that she needed to tell me more so that I could make a decision on whether to help more than I already have. I am torn. Her reply was "I dont want to share too much. Just know that I spend 100/wk on groceries and fun for the kids." Well my first question is, where is the other 2500/month going? Any advice? Money, and my irresponsibiliy were the number one reason for our breakup. Could she be testing me to see if I am putting them first. I am nervous and dont know what to do. I feel like I am damned if I do, damned if I dont. If I do, its to get her back, if I dont, she was right, I dont care for her and the kids. I really dont like this place I am at right now. I dont want to be used.

Rob;<BR>I think I know how you feel - the down stuff and all. I do not have children but my husband left July 26 (after telling me July 22 that he wanted to sale our home and go separate ways) and he has filed for divorce. Our court date is October 8. I still cry - cant sleep well at nights for reaching for him a bit. Yesterday the whole day seemed to be a down day. Fighting tears I put on my sneakers and ran three miles in the pouring rain to my mom's house - just in time for dinner but lonliness seems to be setting in.<P>Well - after riding the emotional roller coaster that you speak of for many days now, I called husband and asked him to come over because I really needed to talk to him. He came over Sunday afternoon - very agreeably - and we talked for over an hour. I have no more answers as to why he wants a divorce that I had - still just same - "we are so different and want different things from life" but he cannot tell me in specifics what those things are.<P>Rob - hopefully it will "cheer" you a bit (if that is possible) to know that your wife hasnt filed for divorce yet, which tells me that she is sorting things in her mind. My husband wouldnt even try; no counselling, no books or tapes - or video (at home kind) that you can work thru marital dilemas. So, I am in the home until it sells and it is harder because so much of it reminds me of him. I feel like a discarded bag of garbage and his only response is that he is setting me free because he truly feels like he is the source of my misery. Partly he is correct, but he didnt even try.<P>I think your wife could still be trying in her own way, but dont be so freely giving - following your attorney's advice should be a huge consideration. If it is so simple for her to be without you she may not feel any inconvenience to address more important issues.<P>Just my thoughts...good luck.

I think if they want to paint you as the villian they'll do it regardless. It almost seems the harder you try the quicker they are to condemn. So.. at this point I try to do what is right, ( ie not get even, punitive, etc) and be true to myself. I think that's always all you can do. For what it's worth...<P> Dan

Rob,<BR>I think she can afford to pay her own bills. That is crazy. I am only getting 400.a month from my ex and we have three teenagers. I work two full time jobs to keep up. <P>No, I change what I said before. If its in a agreement than let her pay her own way.<P>Jill

Thanks all, and especially you Jill. I am truly struggling with this one. I want to help and feel she should be able to make it with that kind of money. It has to be going somewhere, but she will not say. I think that I should perhaps just make a couple of monthly payments on it for her. I am wondering if she is just not feeling up to paying off debt she thinks I should be paying off. I dont know. I did create a lot of debt, but my goodness, I took most of it and she took very little. She does have some culpability in this breakup. And yes, I am on everyone but one of the bills. One is to the IRS and should they levy, my check gets hit first. How is that for a quandry.