I just seperated from my husband of 4 years (together for 6). I just found out he had a second affair. The first was with a coworker about 2 years ago and lasted a few months. This second happened the Saturday before the one that just passed. He picked up some girl off the street. Now he has given up his wife and 2 beautiful babies, a 9month old baby boy and a 3 year old girl, to get to know this tramp, for lack of a better description, better. He were each others fist loves. I thought he was my soulmate. I forgave the first affair but can not forgive this one. He has also asked for a divorce. Last time he did not want one. He did not hesitate this time to ask for one. My question is does a divorce actually bring closure to the whole ordeal? Also, I am having a hard time talking to my daughter. She keeps asking why her father does not love her, though I reassure her that he does, why he does not come home? She also asks why he does not love me? How do you deal with this? She has also gotten very clingy and won't let me do anything because she'll start crying and tell me that I am leaving her. Please let me know what you have done to deal with young children during this difficult time. It is tearing me up seeing my daughter have to deal with such adult emotions and seeing that her father doesn't care about what he is doing to us. I would appreciate any advice you can give me. I don't know if this is relevent, but we are a young couple. We are both 23 years old.<P>Thank you.

Precious,<P>Welcome to Marriage Builders Forums. I always feel a little sad when we see a newcomer on the board, I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through.<P>As you can see by all the threads here, there are many, many complex question, very few simple answers. There are no quick fixes, no short cuts, and we don't have much in the way of a do it yourself kit either.<P>The Harleys have written and posted numerous columns on hundreds of topics related to marriage. What I would like to see you do is go to the Home Page, and start looking up some of Dr. Harley's columns. After you read one or two, you will quickly find things you identify with, that will get you started.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by precious friend:<BR><B>My question is does a divorce actually bring closure to the whole ordeal?<P>How do you deal with this? She has also gotten very clingy and won't let me do anything because she'll start crying and tell me that I am leaving her</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>(((((((precious friend))))))))<P>As a recently divorced person I would say that divorce does not bring closure to the whole ordeal however it will be a stepping stone on the way to healing. <P>My x and I were also married young which in my opinion makes it hard because you've really grown up with your spouse.<P>As for your children, you have to show them total consistancy. If possible, write down a daily schedule and follow it to the "t". Wake them up at the exact same time everyday, go through daily rituals at the exact same time, read stories at the exact same time, you get the picture. Children thrive with stability and consistancy and right now at least their stability is gone. The clinging is very normal because she doesn't want to lose you as she has lost her father. After an extended time of consistancy I'm sure she will start to calm down but be prepared for backslides if any disturbs her schedule.<P>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers from Kansas<P><P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Welcome precious friend...<P>This is my general welcome post for all new people, and let me just say that I LOVE your screen name! You are a precious friend!<P>This greeting is geared toward people whose spouses had an affair (A), and since it’s general, good advice, it can help your situation as well where this is a second affair!! <P>It has a couple of links to many of the most important MB (Marriage Builder) sites.<P>Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies) <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>About your post... <P>I suggest that you start on a Plan A... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html</A> <BR>Check out this post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.), by a very wise, good friend named NSR (Jim). <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html</A> <P>Plan A is not just for trying to win back a spouse. It is what you should be doing to build/rebuild yourself first... and then your marriage! It is about becoming the person that you have the potential to be—the person that God intended for you to be!<P>If you have drifted away from your faith (whatever that may be)consider rediscovering it. This step too, has helped countless marriages and marriage builders. <P>I will share with you my story a little. My H left me 1 1/2 years ago for another woman--he did have a physical affair with her. When he left, I started to learn the ways in which I had contributed to our problems, and make changes for the better to myself. I began to become the woman, mother and wife that God intended for me to be. I had to learn how to forgive the past. I had to learn how to speak up for myself and be brave. I had to do a lot of humbling things. But I also learned how to have joy again, how to find satisfaction and peace within myself, and how to Give when my H was not able to give back to me. You can do it too. <P>Precious friend, when your H had his first A, did you find MB then? Or did you just naturally forgive him and move on in your relationship? The reason I ask is that there is a book call "Surviving an Affair" written by Steve Harley that I think will be a big help to you. Now, do not get me wrong; a second A in just so few years is VERY serious. I do not honestly think I could survive the pain of another A. However, I think this book might help you start to piece together some of the reasons of what happened and why. You find out more about this book by clicking on this link: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html</A> I realize that right now you may not feel like trying to Plan A, but if you look at it as an opportunity for you to become the woman, mother, and wife that you have the potential to be, then whether your H sees it or not, you will still be the best that you can be.<P>Now, specifically regarding your questions, no...divorce does not bring resolution. I think a lot of people divorce thinking, "Well, now I'll never have to deal with him/her again. They are out of my life forever." In reality, unless you H runs away and forgets about his kids, he will have to be dealing with you in one way or another for the rest of their lives! Another big divorce myth is that "he/she is my soulmate and they complete me...they know just what to do to make me happy." Well, first of all, I could make you happy if the only time I saw you was when I was in makeup, a great outfit, freshly showered, and going out to dinner!!! Will he/she still just "make you happy" when they ruin your best pair of socks in the laundry, their X keeps calling and harrassing all hours of the day, and they fart in your presence!! HAHA! Even the soulmate won't look so glamourous then, so it's a myth. <P>Regarding your daughter, I would have to say that her reaction is fairly reasonable. She is only 3! Her whole world is the warmth, love and security of mommy and daddy, and now that is all gone. She will never understand that daddy still loves her but he is moving out, living somewhere else, and doesn't love mommy anymore. That just doesn't compute to a 3yo mind (or a 40yo mind, for that matter!). I would say that you should be as simple in your answers to her as you can be. Let me give you a funny example. When your 3yo catches you naked in the shower and says, "What is that mommy?" (pointing), she doesn't want a scientific explanation of body parts. She wants an answer like, "That's what mommy's get when they become grownups". So when she says, "Why doesn't daddy love me anymore?", she doesn't want a psychological evaluation of her father. She wants simple reassurance, like "Daddy does love you honey and so do I, and I am right here with you to take care of you every day and make sure you are okay." Get it?<P>You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight,<P>CJ<P>You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.<P><BR>CJ<BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.