I called my husband and invited him over to our home (that I am living in alone since he filed for divorce) to talk. There are many rumors floating around about my husband and frankly - I wanted to ask him for the truth. The truths about his "club" night with his buddies and - well- just some things that were on my mind.<P>So, he came over and I do believe that the sayings are truly rumors. Sadly the conversation between husband and I was so sad. He only will tell me that we want different things from life (but cannot elaborate on those things) and he feels like he is doing me a favor by "setting me free" to find someone to build a "great marriage" and then tried to elude that we have never been good for one another. I refused to believe that the past eight years (plus the six that we dated) were a mistake.<P>Part of me is so happy to have found this site - I feel like I have learned so much but the other part of me wants To SHAKE HIS HEAD OFFF because he is so stubborn and doesnt see that our problems are very normal and tis part of the growing process and is NOT interested in the Harley's, MB or anything which WOULD help. I still am cycling the anger - over and over.<P>For those ahead of me in this process - when does the pain stop cycling so overwhelmingly? I mean - he left July 26, and I am sleeping pretty well, but for whatever reason some days I just would rather throw myself in the lake behind the house than peel myself from the bed. How will I trust another man?? I think God will have to help me with that one....but when my home sells and I move - will it get better? When will I feel like I have a place again? I dont think I am doing too bad really, but no matter where I am - if I am at work, it feels as though I should be home. When I am at home, I feel as though I am missing something somewhere else - but what? <P>One day at a time; all in all my husband is a good man but so totally emotionally detached that I think I realize that if he had not of left me that I probably would have eventually left him. The kicker? My husband said..."a marriage shouldnt take so much work"....i laughed just a little chuckle and said - if you truly believe that then you may be facing another break-up in any relationship that you choose. <P>So...how long does it take? Would love input from folks ahead of me...<BR>Scuba

I am sorry for your pain and struggles. I don't have any advise for you but I thought I would bump this up so you won't get lost at the bottom. I am struggeling too and mostly lurk. I feel incapable of giving advise today but hang in there. You are not alone.

I cant tell you how long it takes. Im not thru the whole thing yet. Somedays I have flashback to the pain and heartbreak. Sometimes thought of OM and WS pop into my mind. The thought of them together really gnaws at me. When that happens I have to make myself think of something else. Rest assured that what you are feeling is normal. It is important that you have your own support group friends etc. You must take care of yourself and remember,1)whatever was missing in your marriage doesnt justify what your WS did. 2)your WS didnt have to if he didnt want to. 3)Put one foot in front of the other, be responsible for yourself and continue on with life, not waiting for him. What your husband told you is what my wife told me. She also refused to go to counselling and told me she had no desire to work on our marriage. Also told me divorce would be better for our kids. Good luck to you.

Scuba2,<P>Your h sounds just like mine, says the same things, and they think they are all unique in their thinking. The truth is, they will say anything to rationalise their own behaviour.<P>And you sound like me, cycling. I am sorry we have to be here, but it is a help, knowing you aren't alone.<P>I'm only a few weeks ahead of you, my h left on July 3rd. He is in and out of the fog. I am on and off the roller coaster. For me, I have had enough of Plan A...I have been doing it for six months...I'm getting as far away from this as I can, and I'll do a Plan B. My leaving his vicinity has shocked him, try as he will to hide it. Maybe it will wake him up....but I'm not counting on it.<P>In my present mood I want to say WS's make me sick, they're so selfish.<P>Just keep posting for support, and doing what feels right for you, we are here for you.<BR>

just saying "thank you" for those who have responded to this post seems so inadequate...i truly appreciate it. This divorce is very painful even though husband is trying to be very sweet (as best as he can) I am still going to my counsellor.<P>I saw her today and the visits are helping. She forces me to realize that what I expect from a spouse are not un-reasonable things and that IT DOES TAKE TWO people to work things out. IT WILL NOT WORK WITH ONE person trying; it simply will not.<P>It truly is out of our control - mine and you nice people who are in the same boat as me. I made plenty of mistakes - all of which I will take responsbility for, but I still think that we could have made it. I just want the cycling to stop and fine peace with it. That is my prayer now.<P>Many hugs,<BR>Scuba

I am sorry for the pain you are going through. I remember your story from the other board in the past and how almost everyone pleaded with you to be open and honest with you husband about the affair you had and the emotional pain that affair brought to you. We believed that was your only opportunity to possibly break through the emotional barrier your husband had. We were hoping that you both could heal and grow toghether again after this crisis you had. I know you waivered and came close once by telling your husband you had a close friend and he met some of your needs but then you allowed your husband to walk away and you never did mention it again. You were then forced to heal by yourself and you still have no idea how your husband felt or what his reaction would have been. I don't know what would have happened but when you could not be open and honest with your husband about your affair and the pain you were going through; then it really was not a giant shock that your husband would continue the way he was and simply fade away. I am very sorry that you did not force him to hear you and face the reality of your pain and actions together. I believe in the old saying that only the truth shall set you free. I am sorry you never truly believed in it. Hopefully in the future in your next relationship you will realize that only complete honesty and openness will lead to successful communications and thus successful relationships. I wish you luck.

Bryan - thank you for your post; i did tell him - maybe you missed it, but he didnt want the details. He only told me that when I caught him participating with UDATE.COM and didnt push the issue that he was going to just agree that we had both made mistakes and move ahead. I tried only one other time to provide all details and truth; he just said that he wished we could just move ahead and not discuss it again. So, I guessed that was the best answer and I did. I think now if I had to do this over, I would have made him hear me - no matter if he wanted to or not. I would have pressed him for details in the on-line affair that I believe he had for about a year. After insisting on therapy he only went two times and wouldnt return. It just wasnt worth it to him. Now, he just says he loves me but doesnt want to be married and that we want different things in life. We never resolved those issues between us and now we never will. You are certainly right about truth; I will not accept or give anything less than open honesty and truth, and I truly believe that I have learned this the hard way.<P>Scuba<p>[This message has been edited by Scuba2 (edited September 07, 2001).]

<P>I don't know if the pain ever stops but in time it gets manageable

Funny, even in your short post I saw several things that were so like my own experience.<P>>and he feels like he is doing me a favor by "setting me free" to find someone to build a "great marriage"<P>I've been divorced twice. My first wife at one point told me that she was leaving me because she "loved me too much to cause me such unhappiness." I don't know if she really believe that, if it was just an excuse, or if she was trying to justify herself. Yeah, you love me so much that you'll knife me in the back and stomp on me a few times. Thanks a bundle. <P>>He only will tell me that we want different things from life (but cannot elaborate on those things)<P>After a way-too-hasty second marriage (I was depressed and lonely and pretty much married the first girl who said hi to me after my first divorce), less than a year into the marriage she took me aside one day and said she was upset because I "didn't show her respect". Okay, I replied, what do you mean by that? She never gave me a straight answer. Just, You know what I mean, and If you don't know what the word means look it up in the dictionary, and You knew what it meant before we were married. Etc etc. Never one concrete example of what I did or didn't do that bothered her.<P>>I feel like I have learned so much but the other part of me wants To SHAKE HIS HEAD OFFF because he is so stubborn and doesnt see that our problems are very normal and tis part of the growing process and is NOT interested<P>As a two-time loser, I'm sure I'm not one to say how to make a successful marriage. But I sure know a lot about how to make an awful one. One good ingredient is a total lack of forgiveness and preoccupation with the past. No one is perfect, we're all going to do things that we'll regret (or ought to regret) later. If we spend our time thinking about everything that our spouse has done to hurt us in the past, I think we're pretty well doomed. We have to be willing to forgive and move on.<P>>For those ahead of me in this process - when does the pain stop cycling so overwhelmingly? I mean - he left July 26, and I am sleeping pretty well, but for whatever reason some days I just would rather throw myself in the lake behind the house than peel myself from the bed.<P>After my second wife left me, for several months I found that I would just suddenly go into a fit of ... call it depression or whatever. I recall the time not long after she left that she called and demanded I pack up some things she left behind and send them to her. As I was wandering the basement looking for something or other, I suddenly just sat on the floor with tears in my eyes saying over and over to myself, "I tried so hard". Yeah, I know how you feel. Well, for good or ill, I"m mostly over it now. I guess there's one good thing about all the legal and financial hassles of divorce: it gives you something to keep you busy, get your mind off things. I've often heard it said that that's what funerals are really for: to give the survivors a bunch of nit-noid details to worry about to keep them busy, better to agonize over what color the flower pots should be than to think about the fact that this person you loved so much is gone.<P>>How will I trust another man??<P>Commiserating aside, here's some real advice I can give you: Don't rush into another relationship. I did and it was a gigantic mistake. I was lonely and I wanted someone. I've heard some Bibical arguments that a divorced person should never remarry. I find them unconvincing in the end, but they should be considered seriously. In any case, I'd be very slow to get involved with another person. It's too easy to let desperation and impatience rush you into a second marriage that's worse than your first.<P> I think God will have to help me with that o<P>>One day at a time; all in all my husband is a good man but so totally emotionally detached that I think I realize that if he had not of left me that I probably would have eventually left him.<P>Do I gather that you're separated but not actually divorced yet? If he's at all willing to talk, don't give up! I can assure you: divorce sucks big time. As long as he shows any sign of willingness, keep trying! One decision I made that I am glad of: I simply refused to be the one to decide to leave or to file for divorce. If she ultimately decided to take that step, well, there's not much I could do to stop her. But I would keep trying to the bitter end. And I did. Ultimately I still failed, but at least today I can look back and say that I did keep trying until the end. If I had been the one to leave, today I would surely be wrestling with, What if I had tried just a little harder? Had waited just a little longer before filing? Maybe we could have made it work? (Not to say that our divorce was all her fault and I was just the most perfect husband that one could possibly imagine. But at least I was willing to keep trying.)<P>>The kicker? My husband said..."a marriage shouldnt take so much work"<P>Not an attitude likely to lead to a happy marriage. Sure, there are lots of things in life that I wish would just be handed to me on a silver platter: a happy marriage, good health, money of course, etc. But life is so unfair: sometimes you have to work for things that are worth having.<P>

I'm sorry for your pain also. I know it's differnt for everyone and it does get easier as time goes on, but I have been struggling now for 14 months. Some days I'm very happy, but there are still days that are nightmares. I suppose it could be easier if I would just let my H go, but things are getting better. His A is over! It's a big step in the right direction. Anyway, hang in there. I'll pray for you. <BR>

JayJ;<BR>WOW..great post - I read every word of it....well - you are right on many things. Husband filed for divorce and now it is all over but the waiting. Our date is October 8.<P>I think I am convinced that my husband doesnt know what a great marriage is; he wants to but we both made mistakes. My husband NEVER could/would say that he was ever mad, upset, angry at me; never told me he loved me in eight years of marriage until he decided he wanted a divorce. So many things frustrates me.....<P>I am sorry to hear that your second marriage ended in divorce..and you are right about waiting before dating. I have just begun a divorce recovery seminar thru the local church. The facilitator of the class recommends that you have a "meltdown" for a year for each four years of marriage. So, if you at least count the four happy years and not the four mediocre to terrible years then I will take a couple of years off to regroup with my life. I think your advice of not rushing anything is very wise.<P>I had to laugh at your remark about her stabbing me in the back and doing me a favor - thanks a bundle!! <BR>Yes...I asked my husband was I supposed to be grateful for this because I certainly dont feel that way. I am still cycling the anger probably more than the lonliness. <P>My therapists asked me if I was mourning over the actual loss of this person who has shown no interested in our marriage, or was I more mourning the loss of the american dream? I keep repeating that in my mind. I have struggled with the marriage for what seems so long, and I really have to wonder if I truly miss him for HIM or do I just miss the ideal of our marriage? Lots to ponder there because we really have been more roomates over the past year than anything else. Especially since he began "clubbing" with his buddies.<P><BR>I certainly agree with you that my divorce too wasnt all his fault; it takes two to want to make it better though...that part is true.<P>I like Zig Ziglar's quote: Anything worth doing is worth doing well. But I want a better than just average marriage - I want a great marriage that will stand and not a mediocre one. I dont think that is unreasonable.<P>Many thanks for your post JayJ;<BR>Scuba<P>

Maysville:<BR>is your divorce final or are you still struggling with reconcilation? Please tell me that after a year your feeling are not still as raw; I am just a little over a month into this and it is so difficult. I was at church this morning and my hairdresser (attends there too) asked me how everything was going and that is all it took for the tears to begin. However, i have been without tears for about five days now so I guess they were due....geeze...one day at the time...<P>