Confused..........<P> I know my oldest knows when I am not doing well. I about lost it yesterday. I mean I just wanted it all to go away for good. I know in all honesty I could never hurt myself. But that does not mean I don't think about it. I need to find me another part time job for myself. That might help keep me busier. Now with kids out for the summer I get cooped up in here and that does not help me at all. I feel so trapped anymore like I am caged and there is no way out. I will try feel better today but really really hard for me. How ya doing Confused?

Confused,<P>(Picking up a couple posts ago.)<P>I agree with your general kind of philosophy regarding marriage (relationships in general), and I really think there is not to much that can happen that is truly irreconcilable. Relationships can be rebuilt, but it takes two people. Both people have to be centered in themselves and willing to give without thought of getting something back. Both people have to be willing to look at their own mistakes and work on changes within themselves first before they insist on changes from others. It takes two.<P>However, in your case it doesn't sound a whole lot like this is a situation you are in. Whatever your wife is going through, she has shut you out and decided that you must be responsible for how she feels. It is a preposterous proposition, I know, but you can't change her mind. All you can do is look at whatever "love busters" or other behavior you might have contributed, and work on correcting your own behavior. This will help you in your relationship with the children, with someone new you may meet one day, or maybe even your wife if she ever comes around.<P>But as for her, you will have to let her go. (Equitably. She isn't going to be able to screw you over financially or abdicate her responsibility to provide for the children.) She needs to get to a point where she can do these things for herself and begin to understand her own problems before she is going to be able to establish a successful relationship with anybody. You can't help, nor is it your responsibility.<P>I know how it feels, I had to do it myself not all that long ago. And in my case I can say I see no signs of maturity developing in my ex. But I can't save her. I can save myself though.<BR>

nonplused, you are exactaly right. It took me a while to realize, I can`t change how she feels. I am working on my own changes and trying to do what I can for her, quietly, without a lot of noise. When she says something that irritates me a just ignore it, change the subject, or walk away. She hasen`t even put a pencil to what it will take for her to live on her own. She has been so busy working that I don`t think she has really thought in detail about it except to throw it in my face ocasionally. The part I don`t understand is her pushing herself farther and farther away from me each week. It`s not as if I`m doing anything to her. I can`t worry about that anymore. I go to see a lawyer this week , just in case, to see where I stand. I don`t want to use one, but I have to protrct my kids. I really don`t think she realizez what she is putting us a through. Right now all she is thinking about is herself, and what she can do for her, not anyone else. I just wonder if one day she will snap out of it. With as erratic as she is acting I still feel that she is in some type of mid life crisis or a change of life, but there is nothing I can do to make her see a doctor or change the way she feels. as a matter of fact when i bring it up or want to talk about us it only makes it worse, so for now I`ll keep quiet.<BR>Wonder, for your own good, you really need to get out of this depressed funk you are in. I know it is really hard, I was in one for a long time. It wasn`t until the past week I started feeling a little normal. It`s all a frame of mind. It`s up to you to change your whole attitude. If you don`t it will start affecting your health and your kids. Do you thik your meds help make you feel that way? I hope your feeling a little better tomorow.

Confused........<P> I know I have to get out of this state before it destroys me. I did go job hunting yesterday and might have found another part time job. I am quitting one of my other ones end of July. So that might help me to get some more hours and something different. Need to know can do on my own. Besides I already feel destroyed inside. Thats where I guess I need to find me again. One friend told me to pray aloud that the Lord hears you more and knows you really need help. Well prayed but was in silence. We shall see now. Guess been just so lonely nobody to really hold me and hug me and get kissed when I want miss that. I am very lonely where that is concerned. Sure anybody can go find that for a night but thats so wrong. I won't do that or stoop that low for myself. But maybe in time the right person will come into my life for me. No thats not what am waiting for. I know the luck I have that will probably never happen. Thats where I have come to terms with in my life here. Confused have not wrote in a couple days anything going on there thats different? Let me know please always look forward to your responses. Nice to know have another friend out there.

Wonder,Like I had mentioned to you before, try to take one day at a time right now.Try to do something for yourself or kids. Don`t think about the future. Thats how I `ve been getting through each day. I too want to hold , kiss and hug someone, but right now that is not possible. You`d be suprised how different you will feel if you can try doing this. Like I said I`ve been doing this for about a week and, while I don`t feel great, I feell better, day to day. I`ve tried to take the approach that I will do anything I can for her but I will keep my mouth shut and I won`t push her, or ask her to do anything. The other morning she left for work before me and turned to me to say good-bye, she looked at me a lot different than she has lately. It might just be me getting my hopes up again, but I`ve learned to not get excited about it. I`m just going to keep acting like I have the past week, take each day at a time and see what happens next.<BR>nonplused, It took long enough but I have to thank you for your advice, I feel much better after I made up my mind I can`t change her feelings. I did go to see a lawyer to see where I stand if and when she leaves. I really felt guilty sitting in ther, but it was something I had to do to protect my family. The lawyer felt the same as me, that she must be going through some mid life crisis or change of life to act to irrational. She has been at homre all week when she hasn`t been working, which is a switch and I`ve been keeping my mouth shut. I still haven`t set up a counceling session. I want to do one over the phone and I have to find a day I`m at home alone.

Confused,<P>I really think you are handling things very well. Everybody is going to make a mistake and say one thing that they shouldn't have or fight one fight that they later realize may have lost them the war. It's unavoidable. Let's look at all the things you have done well. You have been very supportive and strong through a time of terrible uncertainty and abuse (how else could you describe divorce?). You have to a large degree been putting your wife and your children first, which shows great character, a lot of love, and the ability to give without expecting anything in return. You are still able to love your wife and care for her in the midst of great uncertainty. I don't know what else you could have done over the last months.<P>But there is the one thing you now need to do over the next months. You need to give her what she wants. You need to release her. It even helps sometimes to say that directly to her. Try your own version of "I love you, and I will always care about you. But I want wants best for you. As hard as it is for me to watch you go, I know you aren't happy here. I know you have to go. Please take good care of yourself."<P>Once she moves out, you must begin to cut the ties. No more support. No more calling to see how she is doing. No more helping her with what ever problems she might have. You must try very hard to stick to a pure business relationship regarding the children, with both people acting like reasonable adults. Some people call this switching to "Plan B". Plan A is a reconciliatory approach where you try your damnedest to be nice in the face of everything and show you really care. But sooner or later Plan B is necessary, which is where you say "You are free to do what you want, but the pain has been too much and I will no longer be a part of it." Once you withdraw support, your ex will be faced with the realities of her actions and will no longer be able to take you for granted.<P>A friend of mine decided not to implement this part of the program until after his separation agreement was signed, because he didn't want his ex to realize the full magnitude of her decision prior to having something in place. He didn't want things to get "ugly", if you will. Inadvertently, I did the same thing. It worked out well for both of us, but you will know what is right for your situation.<P>One more piece of advice: You might want to think about the long haul. Based strictly on statistics, she isn't coming back. If nothing else, pride or guilt will prevent it. It will help if you can avoid making her feel that way. But in any case, even if she decides she wants to come back, it won't be for a long while. Certainly not until 6 months after the separation agreement is signed, and most likely not for 1 or 2 years after wards. But it's different with everybody.<P>Good luck, and keep in touch. I have done most of this before, so if I can help I will. But as always, the best advice you can take is your own.<BR>

Confused..........<BR> <BR> Believe me I do try to take it one day at a time. Its even hard for me there. Somedays feel like they will never end. I know I have to try and think about me and be positive but ya know I forgot what a positive feeling feels like. I sure hope someday we find we can be happy once again. I would love once to say when a friend asks how you are I can say wonderful instead of ok. :-( I forgot what wonderful or great or super feels like to. Like I said before seems the ones that give and give and give and in return just want happiness and to be put first for once are the ones that get burned. Oh well its my personality its who I am and maybe someday someone will grab it and put me first. Sorry needed to venge again today. Please let me know how things are still.

Just wanted to make a few comments.......I have not been posting in awhile. I have made some changes in my life recently. My husband and I are in the process of definitley separating. After a lot or work, it feels right for now. <BR> Confused, Just wanted to wish you good luck. You really will be OK. You seem to be in a better place already. More in control of what you need to do for yourself.<P>Nonplused.......you are very supportive and obvioulsy have a lot of experience in this area. You are great to read.................<P><BR>Wonder.........I am sorry to hear your hopelessness. That is a bit disturbing to me. Are you seeing someone for your depression? I would recommend that, if you are not. I know that times can get difficult, but you need to get help to work through them. You may not be as trapped as you feel. Please check it out......

Dlara........<P><BR> Thanks for the post. But I was in thereapy for a year. Yes it did help but I ran out of ins. and could not afforad 98.00 an hour. So my last time I went was 3 months ago. I still see the physchitrist for my medication though. I tryed to cut back to one a day but it did not help so went back to 2. Someday I want off these damn things. But feel better on 2 right now. I just have to find me again thats all there is to it. Like you in time we might just have to seperate I will not go on for years like this for sure. In my heart I think well gee you can live like this for your kids. Well no I can't someday I have to do what makes me happy. I am trying to find another part time job right now thats my first step. After that see what happens. Dlara I am sorry yours came to a seperation but maybe its best for you right now. I try not to think about the future but its hard. But just take one day at a time thats all any of us can do. Wish I had that crystal ball for all of us. Confused better start Not In Love part 3 LOL this one taking long to load again. Keep in touch all.