Hi friends,<P>Just wanted to post again before I go. I will be busy on the pc tomorrow erasing all my "evidence" of being here, before I fly home. If he ever looked here, it would be obvious to him just by my handle, who I was....probably a LB, I don't know any more.<P>It was/is a hard day. I have wanted to cry all day long, and now I have the luxury of doing so, without the kids around, I can't. There's that big lump in my throat, and that crying inside feeling. But it won't come out yet.<P>I talked to my mum on Instant Messenger today. While she was supportive and trying to say the right things, she couldn't help canning my h. ALL the time. Is this what I am going to have to endure, for the privelege (SP? Suddenly I REALLY want to know how this is spelled!) of a roof over my head? Yes, that's my mum. She is furious with him.<P>She was telling me MIL called them when she found out I was coming home. Three things. She is scared silly she will not see her grandkids again, (no way that will happen, we all love those guys) my FIL has taken ill because of this and is in his bed and she is also furious with my h, and told him so in no uncertain terms when he spoke to her on the phone at my place last Sunday (I thought so).<P>He doesn't realise how many people are hurt over this...he is too selfish because of the fog, I suppose.<P>Another thing that happened today was that I finally called back a friend who had been trying to get in touch. Her h works beside mine. I had avoided talking to her, because I just felt they were too close to h, but I wanted to say goodbye. We had a long, sad talk, and she said my h isn't making any sense to her h about this all. Her h says it all sounds a bit strange. DUH! Well if my h doesn't understand why he's doing this, he can't be expected to explain it to anyone else, I guess.<P>Then I got a couple of emails from friends who I contacted yesterday, and they were so sweet and sorry, that I just wanted to cry...didn't though. I think I'm in a state of shock or something. I just don't seem to be feeling much at all for most of the time, and then it hits me. Wham! Punch in the gut.<P>Well tonight h came over and took the kids out to a movie...so then they came home (I had an awful thought that he would abscond with them!) and he gave them all presents. Strange, he thinks we are so different. This is what he gave them; Digimon figurines. Guess what I bought them yesterday? Yep! Same. He also bought the girls earrings, pierced kind for when they get their ears pierced. Now the fact is, I had decided to get their ears pierced when we get back. We had NOT discussed this! Oh yeah, we are so different from each other.<P>God and the angels work in strange ways sometimes, maybe these are little messages meant for him.<P>Anyway, he didn't stay long, and he had the wall up anyway. Turns out he will drive us to the airport, and drop us off at international departures - easier to get a porter to help me from there. He said he will come early, so that we can talk about checkbooks and stuff. He is keeping very guarded. So I don't expect anything at all from him, not even a goodbye kiss.<P>I've noticed that when he lets the wall down, like he did on Sunday, it goes back up again with reinforcements. Like he goes home and thinks WHOOPS...better not do THAT again. Stomach churning rollercoaster.<P>So anyway, I want to thank everyone here who has read, answered, thought about me in my situation for the last 8 weeks, and thank you for the advice, caring, prayers, love and support I have felt here. I will miss everyone, even if it is only for a couple of days. I know I will be itching to get back with my cyber family. You are all wonderful. If I hadn't found this place I'd be a screaming mess by now. It because of you guys that I'm not.<P>Love, and talk to you later,<P>Jacky

(((((((((((((((((((Jacky)))))))))))))))))))<P>May the Lord hold you & your children gently in his hand on the Journey.......<P>You've touched so many here, please keep us up to speed when you can.<P>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers<BR><P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LostHusband:<BR><B>(((((((((((((((((((Jacky)))))))))))))))))))<P>May the Lord hold you & your children gently in his hand on the Journey.......<P>You've touched so many here, please keep us up to speed when you can.<P>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers<P><BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>ditto...

Thank you my friends. See, I'm still here....will be for another two hours, maybe more if I can't sleep.<P>

Jacky:<P>I have lots of tears right now (I am at work not so good) but I can't help but be happy for you! Yes, they are happy tears because you are doing the right thing and you will be able to concentrate on you and your family now.<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you to return safely "HOME". We will all wait for your next contact, which will hopefully be soon!<P>Love,<P>Michelle

You know what this feels like? In the movie Apollo 13, where they went around the backside of the moon and lost contact with Houston for a little while.<P>Have a safe trip!<P>Yes, mom and sis and friends and everyone else will probably be all over H's case. It's to be expected. They probably think they are making you feel better by it. I know what you mean by the in-laws, mine still visit me all the time after the fact (and refuse to have anything to do with the OW). In fact, MIL calls me 3 times a week to chat and X's name rarely ever comes up anymore. She's very angry at him also. It's a shame your FIL is ill from this, I hope he's going to be ok. Do they all live in Oz?<P>You'll be fine. It'll take some time to feel even an ounce of happiness again, but it will happen. Just focus on you and the kids now and next steps for your independence if that's what happens. Take care.<P><P>------------------<BR>Kathy

Michelle,<P>I think concentrrating on my family is going to be tough for a little while...I'm going to give thaty over to my parents for a couple of days...I am so exhausted by this. I got a huge feeling tonight that this IS the right thing to do, even if h isn't showing much response today...I know he'll be crying in his beer tomorrow night.<P>Kathy,<P>Yes all the family on his side are in Oz, my immediate family only, the rest are in Scotland. I know, one day, one day I will be happy, whatever happens. Right now I am in such despair that my emotions have shut down. Hmmmm....is this a wall???<P>Thanks guys.

hey sis,<P>i wanted to let you know that i am still here... i haven't been posting because everone else wants to love you too.. i am here checking on you and i will check on you tonight when i get home from work... i know there is a 9 hour time difference, but that probably won't matter around midnight your time... if by any chance you write b-4 i go to bed around 11pm my time i'll see it...<P>know that i am feeling you all the way... i have the same want to cry lump in my chest too...<P>you are so loved here... remember that you are a good, loving and caring person... and many recognize it... even the h... he knows you're special... he may be acting funny, but that could be to protect himself from hurting... believe me he is hurting/regreting... i just know it...

Kim,<P>How do you know it? How do you feel it?<P>I just wish I did. Sometimes I do, but when that wall goes up, I feel so shut off.<P>Part of me knows I'll be sitting in Oz wondering what the hell he's up to. And some of it I will find out....<P>I want to believe he still loves me, but I get the feeling he is fighting it, and THAT I can't understand. If I could stop loving him right now I would. It's just too painful.<P>I might check here in the morning, before I erase everything. I want to have the words of my friends in my heart when I get on that plane. 11pm your time is about 8am here...yes I don't think I'll be able to resist.<P>Thank you sis for your support, you are so comforting.<P>Keep well and if you don't hear from me for a few days, don't worry. I'm just fighting my mum, the net addict for her computer.<P>BTW I am not going to bed for at least another 30 minutes...<BR>Love,<BR>Jacky.

Hey!!!<BR>Just remembered....he called me "darl" tonight. Okay it's a small thing, but in 8 and a half weeks, he's called me by name all the time, except once before, when he called me love.<P>Yes I know it's habit....but he slipped up!!! Hooray...I think! It made me feel good anyway.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR><B>Hey!!!<BR>Just remembered....he called me "darl" tonight. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>it's the small things... if they could just catch the clue... it doesn't have to be big and expensive, small and sincere always worked for me.. <P>don't under estimate the sweet names... i notice when my h is feeling me, he calls me babe!!! so i think he is feeling you!!! <P>i don't know why i feel it, or how, i just know i feel it... it is gonna be alright...

Well, tell me Kim, have you been right in the past?<P>Because I'm going to say something way out there now....psychic stuff is part of my family, passed down on my mother's side. I have been known to have quite a few little intuitions, but when it's personal stuff, forget it.<P>EG: There was a plane crash some time ago (78-9?) at Chicago airport, because the left engine somehow came loose from the body of the plane. I actually dreamed of this around the same time it happened. I told Mum in the morning....it wa on the news that night. I freaked out.<P>My piano teacher has a very psychic, never wrong friend, who described my situation to a tee...over the phone. She has never met me. But she still maintains he will come back to me. He will not divorce me, she says.<P>Well, one can live in hope, but because of my own experiences, I am hoping more than I should.<P>Tell me, have you have such experiences?

yes i have... i have had dreams too... not so crazy.. i dreamed once all night about broken glass... told a freind that had a book to interpret dreams... she said that broken glass means someone is going to have an accident and broken bones would be involved... that night i was in the emergency room with my friend whos mom fell and broke her hip... spooky huh!!!<P>i can't say that i am psychic, but i do have strong feelings and such about a lot of stuff and it has come to pass... i think it is just a woman thing... anyway believeing that makes me feel better i don't want to know things in advance... i might find out something i don't want to know... <P>but i think i feel pretty strong about your h mostly because i see my h in him and i know his behavior and the things that he is doing are almost identical... so i guess that is what gives me the strong feelings, but they are truely strong... maybe because i want this for you so badly... i believe and that's it...<P>you have to beleive too... you see the signs... just take it all in stride... accept the advances and quietly reject the negetive behavior... i mean humbly reject it... i don't mean keep quiet and accept it, just deal with it compassionatly... in love...<P>my spelling is crap today... i must be having an momentary mental laps...

Oh no....don't tell me you're blonde <P>Well I hope you are right about my h. You know someone asked me today why I think getting back together is such a good idea. Well....he was such a GOOD man before all this, so kind, considerate and loving...I can't see that he can bury that forever.<P>He is in a fog, and I can't get him out by normal means....he has to truly see what hew has done to us. I wonder what tomorrow will bring...he's taking us to the airport after all.<P>You know, I feel things for people all the time....just not for me. I have never been able to.<P>So what I'm going to say now, take seriously....watch that son of yours. He's on a mission.

that made me get chills... oh my god... you have worried me now...<P>gosh...

people ask me why i want my husband back... it's simple. because i love him... he is the father of my children... i know him, he knows me... we go together like sugar and spice... what else... ...

like peaches and cream...<P>like oil and vinegar well maybe that isn't so great...<P>like meat and gravy, yeah that's it...

OOOOH, I know that feeling. There is no-one, but no-one on this earth that knows you like them and vice versa.<P>Yes, I love the man, despite everything....but now I have to go, and I am just miserable, not knowing if he will come back to me or not.<P>I know it's not the right way to think, but I hope he misses his kids SO, SO much that he will have to do something about it. The kids were such a big part of his life. He was a great dad, before all this. A truly wonderful father AND husband, then something went haywire.<P>Wish I knew how to rewire him. <P>Anyway, you know what? I better go to bed. It's 1.11am here, and I doubt I'll get any sleep on the journey home. Last time all three slept at different times, so one of had to be awake. This time there's only me. Yuck.

okay, <P>goodnight... i hope you do get some sleep... i will check in later just in case...<P>if not, i sent you a couple of e-mails already... talk to you when you get home...<P>Kim.....

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR><B>So what I'm going to say now, take seriously....watch that son of yours. He's on a mission.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>when you have a chance please elaborate... now you really have me concerned...