I'm venting a little and if someone could offer any words that would be great. <P>To put it simply, I was trying to set up a time for my wife and I to talk at how we wanted to go about getting divorced. I had asked her if she wanted to try to work on us last Friday and she said no. I told her that we might as well get the process going then and that I would try to contact an attorney to get the process going. (She had already filed before that conversation!) On Tuesday I saw an attorney and was probably going to see if he'd handle the divorce, but I wanted to see if this is how my wife wanted to handle it. Today (Wed) I called her and tried to set up a time to talk and she avoided all the times and wasn't saying to much. I told her if she wanted this to be less painful, easy, and fair, we could easily get together and talk the whole thing through. She said, "It will all work out in the end." I asked her what that meant and she said, "I can't tell you, but just remember that it will all work out." It sounded to me like she had already filed, but she never said that. I asked her straight out what she thought I needed to do and she said, "nothing, it will all work out" I then asked her, "did you file already or what?" No answer. She said, "I've got to go, I'm at work." <P>20 minutes after getting off the phone with her the police were at my front door and served me the papers. I can't believe she didn't tell me! Her and her family are trying to be all sneaky about the whole thing! I guess I need to just get my lawyer and let him handle it if they aren't going to talk. The petition said restraining order type things, so I don't want to even chance trying to talk to anyone anymore I guess. She had the affair, she left, she's getting the divorce. Getting the papers without her telling me that she filed pisses me off and made me feel like a criminal. What now. At least I know that I tried all I could. Her decision, her mistake. Even though this was the route I was heading anyways, it feels like I had no choice. I can't believe she didn't tell me what she was doing or planing on doing as far as getting divorced. She had two phone calls where she could have easily said, "I've already filed. Let's meet to see if we can agree on how to divide the assets and the house." <P>Why does everything have to be so difficult!<BR>FF63

I feel for you Man!!! I'm in the same boat. My wife had a security guard escort her to our home to remove her belongings, then they came to the Gym I was at and took the truck...I have to laugh, but I'm so pissed...later that day i called my wife's cel and told her someone stole the truck and I called the police...Well, she filed a complaint and called me back and said "don't do/say/feel/think anything else or i'm going to file a restraining order. To make matters worse, her mother is an attorney and she has become my Wife's playbook. <BR>I'm not sure if my wife had an affair, i think she did, but she did file..and she did leave...and she does spen toooooo much time with a "friend."<P>A buddy of mine said, "you lost the game, pick up your marbles and move on." I think what he meant was don't let this crap destroy your brain or insides.<P> <BR>I'm currently going through a Police Dept. hiring process my STXW just destroyed my future, my life! UGH!<P>Gman<BR>

As they say in Australia, mate, your wife was gutless, she couldn't tell you. What a rotten thing to do. Iam so angry at her on your behalf, but mainly because I think if it gets to that point with my h, that is exactly what he would do.<P><BR>GUTLESS!!! I have no respect for that.

Still pissed about the whole thing, but thanks for the input and support!<P>FF63

FF,<P> Considering what she did, you should probably try to make the case for abandonment along with adultery. She moved out and broke off all contact. Perhaps that would lessen her claim to some of the assets in the home. Talk it over with your lawyer. Hopefully you have a really good one because they are trying to get nasty.<BR> Them trying to make you pay for their lawyer is a joke. BTW, I have fought traffic tickets before and even if you don't have a lawyer, judges are usually pretty nice about granting a continuance. I have filed those motions myself before and you could probably do it with a little help from one of the clerks of court.<P> I feel for you. Like I mentioned in my email, my life is sucking hardcore too. I have finally realized this a bottomless pit so I can quit waiting to hit rock bottom, although I can imagine hearing the divorce pronounced final is going to sound like a gunshot. I'm looking for hope right now which is scary because I've never really lost sight of it before in my life.<P>Take care of yourself any way you can,<BR>DS<BR>senornaldo@hotmail.com<BR>

HI FF63,<P>I'm sorry this has happened, I've been though something similar myself. You see your W was probably instructed by her lawyer not to tell you anything for they didn't want to give you a heads up about what was going to happen, otherwise you may have had an oppurtunity to out maneuver them and beat them to the punch. You see in my experience with the legal system whoever throws the first punch so to speak has the upper hand. But thats more my opinion on what I've observed personally. They would rather have you on the defensive than the offensive. <P>I mean if you look at it, now if you come back saying but she had an A, and abandoned us, you're going to look more like a scorned husband trying to say things to make her look bad, so your statements might not carry as much weight as they might have. Again this is only speculation, but thats how I saw it when I went through something similar.<P><BR>I hope I didn't upset you further, hang in there and good luck to you,<P>I-am<p>[This message has been edited by I-am (edited September 07, 2001).]

FF<P> I-am makes a good point but I wouldn't worry about just looking scorned. If you depose your wife, she will have to be honest for not wanting to risk perjury. If she perjures herself, it would be worth trying to prove so you would have the upper hand in court. <BR> The lawyer could ask questions like<BR> "Did you move out of the apartment?"<BR> "Did you seek marital counseling before moving out?"<BR> "Did you break off contact after moving out?"<BR> "Did you have your belongings sent for?"<BR> "Were you involved with another man when you moved out?"<BR> "Did you tell your husband 'I feel like I am in love with two men'"<BR> Questions like these will eventually get the affair and the abandonment on record. You may have to question others too though in case she is dumb enough to lie (you advantage if she does). <BR> <BR> Warn her that others will be giving depositions and try to get her on the record about sex with the other man, that you weren't abusive/unfaithful/etc.<P> I would also have the dirty old man adulterer deposed as well and likely if one decides to lie, it will come out. If they don't let up you may have to file motions for discovery on phone records and such but you can prove your side for sure and I wouldn't let up. I'd go broke before letting them win. Let the dirty [censored] know you will also depose others in his office if he tries to lie. He got into this thing for an easy young piece not because he loves your wife. He won't expose himself too much to protect her. You will feel much better if you show her and her folks that they can't roll over you and what's right with their money. Get a good sharp lawyer and you will do fine. Doing a deposition would be a good way to come out shooting and show you won't be steamrolled.<BR> I would certainly have her parents deposed too.<P> The world is full of people like your wife and her parents. Often they win out because of money and influence <BR>(see Bill Clinton) but they don't have to this time. You are in the right, you tried to put the marriage back together and were rebuffed. You worked hard, she had an affair and you can prove all of that. If a person could get out clean just by filing first for divorce, people wouldn't even worry about getting caught. It doesn't work that way. You can win.<P> I know all this stuff sucks and I haven't ruled out that my wife will fight tooth and nail too. Don't give up.<P>Hang in there,<BR>DS<BR><p>[This message has been edited by DeeplySad (edited September 07, 2001).]

Hi,<P>Just wanted to say, my husband did something similar. The night before we had met each other @ a sporting event for the children. We set together and had a really nice conversation. We watched the children in their events. I even went and got him something to eat from the snack bar and he went to my car and got the lawn chairs. The next day, someone came and knocked on the door. My little boy answered the door, as I was coming up right behind my son, a man handed me papers. I was shocked, although, my situation is different from yours and I pretty much am glad he did it. I still think he handled the whole thing wrong. After 17 years of marriage, he felt this was the way to handle it.??? <P>Don't worry about the restraining order things. That is just standard. Although, I do know your feeling there, because I felt similar.<P>Take care.<BR>Anna<P>

FF63,<P>Why are the police serving divorce papers? Usually in this type of case the police are there to serve a protection from abuse order, it is usually a process server that comes with divorce papers, not police.<P>Was there by any chance an angry scene between you and your wife, any shouting, name calling, threats, banging on furniture or touching in anger? Any holding, restraining, slapping or any of that stuff?<P>I feel for you, but this thing with the police doesn't make sense.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper<P>

It's common for the police to serve the orders in WI. There was no big argument with threats or anything. I was pissed about her affair, but I would never do anything threatening or physical. I'm 6'3" 230 and she's 5'11" 115, so I'm twice her size and know that I would never want to do anything harmful to her. I loved her very, very much and it hurts me to see her take our lives to this point in only two months, but life goes on. I will find a new love and in the time I'm trying, I'll enjoy every moment. <BR> Monday is my first day at court and first time I'll see her, since the papers have been recieved. It will be tough. I can't wait for the divorce to be final. If I could skip a couple of months ahead, it would be great. I guess I'll just take each day as it comes and keep trying to heal myself from this horrible experience.