Guys, I on a bit of a downer right now. Most of you know, debt and my spending had a large part to do with my marital discord and my current separation. I have been working my butt of in plan a, a few mistakes, started counseling yesterday, sold the house today and just paid off a large chunk of debt. Wife seemed elated! She asked me why I wasnt happy, with such good news. I didnt say anything, I wanted to say becaus my stinking family is broken and you dont want to do anything about it. But i bit my tongue - in half. Anyway, wife interjected that she would like to spend a day going through the stuff and she wanted what I didnt. She then said "We can have a garage sale!" Then said "I mean you can, and get some money". All of this coupled with the fact that my wife hasnt paid anything but the minimum towards her small portion of debt she agreed to pay in the Separation Agreement. She emailed the other day and said she was barely making it (her 1600/month salary + 1300/month from me). She said her father is charging her a butt-load in rent (i dont know, he is strangely gone and not much involved as he was). She asked if I would help pay the credit card (200) and help with the IRS and other bills. I helped create most of these. I will be living with my folks for 2 or 3 months to pay off my remaining debt and save for a house. I dont know what to do. Part of me is saying, maybe she has plans to work on the marriage when I show responsibility with the money, which I have over the last 4 months. She hasnt asked to cancel our joint checking or joint credit card (she just went joint with me last month). I dont know what to make of it. The fact is, I could probably pay off the majority of my debt plus hers in just 3 months (the time I am going to get a new house). I have heard conflicting stories from the kids on her plans (they divulged it). Early on, they said she told them they may be moving back to their old school if mommy and daddy worked things out before christmas. Lately, they have said she is looking at a house next door to her single-mom girlfriend about 10 miles further away. They even mentioned the school there. She has been this friendly and open until, I actively started to sell the house. Now that it is sold she is very friendly. I just dont know what to expect. She lied prior to leaving, she isnt wearing her rings, she said emphatically that there is no one else. Her dad is around much and she smiled alot at me at the practice field yesterday, while we talked and I played with my daughter. When it comes to counseling she says "I wished you would quit asking me about the counseling". She also said, when asking if I would help with her bills, "Dont feel obligated to help - I dont want you to feel that you have to help me". My question is where the heck is all of that money going? Should I ask her dad if she is, in fact, paying rent? I just got deeper.<BR>She always felt that I put myself and my problems ahead of the kids and her, and I did with my drinking and spending. Could this be a test, or is she using me? Also, she has told me that she doesnt believe that anything I could do could make her believe I have changed. She is spending alot of time with her girlfriend and they are always spending time together with the kids and such. I dont have a problem with that, but I am afraid I might be in store for a shocker and just be used because I came into money.<BR>Any thoughts? What would you do? I feel damned if I do, damned if I dont?

I don't know what to tell you Rob, but my heart and prayers are with you. I've read some of your other postings and I know that we are in a lot of the same boats. I wish you the best and keep your head up. <BR> If you think their is a chance that you could get back together and the kids were saying maybe their mom was saying that...well..there could be hope. What do you want? What do you want out of your life? What type of dad do you want to be? Would you be a better family together or apart? I don't have kids, so my situation is different, but I can't look past the lack of trust for my wife, so I was going to file for divorce. Too late, she just served me with the papers today, so I don't even have that option of trying to work through her affair. She's still having it.<BR> I came from a divorced family where my dad was out of my life for the most part until I hit high school. I love my dad. He struggled and that made him miss my childhood. Sure, he probably didn't try as hard as he could have, but he's still my dad and he's trying to rebuild our relationship. Your kids will always love you and you just need to keep contact with them. See them as much as you can and never miss a birthday or holiday! <BR> Is your wife the best match for you and is it worth trying to work things out? I don't know if this helped, but think about what you want out of life, that's what I did. I want someone who appreciates me, loves me back, enjoys most the same things, and is most of all "Faithfull!"<BR> Honesty and trust make or break relationships, especially marriage! I could never, not even if I tried, rebuild the trust my wife has broke. <BR> Stay strong and think hard!<BR> FF63

robc,<BR>I feel the pain for you having to sell your house. I left a 2300 sq ft house for a 1 bedroom apt, but I was so emotionally detached from the marriage, I had to for my own sanity. My X had not paid the house note in 4 months and he was living there --- even after the court ordered him to--- then the mortgage company started foreclosure procedures. By the grace of God, someone put a contract on the house the next day and I was able to stop the foreclosure procedures.<P>You have shown a lot of responsibility by paying off your debt. I made sure our debt was outlined in the divorce decree, each credit card & account #, amount due and who was responsible because in Texas you could be liable 50/50. The divorce decree is the only protection you have. I almost had trouble when I bought my house a few months ago even though I paid all of my $10,000 debt off. Don't know what he did with his half from the house, but I got out of debt and don't even own a credit card now.<P>I don't have much advise, except to be patient and don't worry yourself to death about what your STBX/OS is going to do. It only stresses you out and gets you down. As hard as it may seem, right now, enjoy the things you like to do. Make lots of friends and rely on them, your time will come around when they need you. If it weren't for my friends, I don't know how I would have made it.<P>Final Fantasy has a good head on his shoulders and I feel for him. I just wish I had the opportunity to work things out with my X, but he wouldn't even go to counseling and is so arrogant and hardheaded he wouldn't have changed anyway. I had an affair and then he remarried very quickly after the divorce because he got a woman pregnant and I hope for the baby's sake he will not treat his new wife like he did me. It has been hard for me not to talk bad about him in front of my 2 teenage daughters, but they are old enough they see everything for themselves.<P>My girls and I are much better off without the controlling, yelling and emotionally abusive behaviour that was constantly haunting us. It wasn't an easy process and it took almost a year and a half for us to get through the rough period. You see he in a way has deserted the girls. He has never taken them on a weekend and doesn't take them on Wed night. I have even told him he can pick up the girls around his schedule whenever he wants. Actually about 3 weeks ago, they both spent the night with him for the first time and he bought a house right around the corner from me. We have survived and I am very proud of myself for breaking the cycle of abuse and getting out, but it took a lot of courage and strength.<P>Sometimes MB is a depressing place when I read some of the posts, but I always try to help someone out with my experience. The most important thing I have learned here is that no matter how hard you tried in your marriage, if you can honestly look in the mirror and say you tried your best and it didn't work out then that is all you can do. Also, you have to be able to admit that you had faults in the marriage and until you can admit that and learn from your mistakes you can not and will not have another healthy relationship[ ]