I am 25, met a girl a few months back, had feelings for her and impulsively decided to get married, but now I am having doubts. I am not sure what qualities are really important to me. Her biggest drawback is she is not good looking. I have a feeling I can get a better person than that. But I am also sick of bachelor life. So in a dilemma whether to go ahead with her or choose someone else through arranged marriage ( a custom prevalent in my home country ) in which case I am not sure what kind of person I will be marrying.

Just elaborating the above. The exact situation is I belong to a culture where arranged marriage is the order of the day. Essentially meet 5-6 girls for 30-40 minutes and then pick one and get married. Since the families and cultures are similar, the assumption is the guy and the girl will get along and if there are differences, work them out, divorce is never an option, we talk about lifelong commitment.<P>Now, I am in a situation where I had a 4 month long distance relationship ( no physical, just lovey-dovey ) and am very emotionally attached to my GF. <P>But, our families dont want us to get married because they feel we are not right for each other. So both of us will end up marrying someone through arranged marriage within a year. The option of waiting is not there. <P>My GF feels I am the best person she can get. But I think I can get someone better ( read beautiful ) but just that there is a big risk of non-compatibility. <P>I dont really know how compatible I am with my GF. I am stubborn, impulsive, etc. and she just puts up with everything. She is very docile. I am scared I might start mistreating her and take her for granted.<BR>But she feels that will never happen. <BR>She accepts me as I am.<P>Right now another issue is, I just cant hurt her feelings by walking out on her. I will feel guilty and opportunistic. Also I will miss her and all the dreams we shared<P>So I need to decide ASAP whether to say goodbye to her and move on or marry her against the family's wishes<BR>

Just off the top of my head, I would say if you think you are too good for her then you probably aren't ready to be marrying anybody.

after reading ur reply, i can go ahead with my current emotions and marry her.....<P>but thats one thing i am debating, mebbe i need a few more years to understand myself, before getting into marriage.....<P>the only problem is, there are a whole lot of constraints, and i know i cant postpone marriage for more than a year even if i want to.

How2choose,<P>I am also come from a country where marriage is arranged by the family sometimes, but not always because the youngster COULD fall in love and convince the family that s/he is truly the one s/he wanted to marry.<P>For me, personally, the reason to get married should because you both love each other deeply and want to have a family of your own. And definitely because you are bored with bachelor life or because of you are pressured.<P>Marriage life and dating life is VERY different. During the dating period, you don't have to deal with bills, sharing income, annoying behaviour...things that married couple should coup for 24 hours. For me, I planned to get married very VERY carefully. We discussed about everything substantial first e.g. sharing income, when to have baby, where we are going to stay etc. We also visit the doctor to check whether we both are fertile enough to have babies...basically we tried to make everything open to minimize friction in the future.<P>I don't know how important physical attraction for you but if you really think that is really important, then I think you should really re-consider your decision in marrying anybody that is not as good looking as you are expected.<P>The chances is out there. You might find someone that meet your need but you also might not. That's just life. We can't predict the future. <BR>You have to really REALLY sure about marrying anybody, don't just rush rush rush. And if I were you, if my family arranged someone for me, I would date him for, let say, a year or two, to get to know him better. Better be careful and honest with your self rather feeling that you are trapped later. Good luck!!<P>

My current problem is : I feel so hurt that our families are against our getting married, so if I end up marrying someone else, then MAY BE I wont really ever fall in love with her, it might just be a relationship of convenience. And I might regret this all my life. <P>We cant upset our families and go ahead with the marriage either, because both of us have strong family ties and breaking them off will leave us feeling miserable. Also, if 5 yrs from now, the marriage doesnt really work, we have no one to blame it on. <P>So , looks like a no-win situation<BR>

I know how deep a family could have a pressure on you but for me, my marriage is between me and the man that I love. Of course, family's blessing is very important and again, for me, if I don't get the blessing, I will try to find why my family object the man that I intend to marry. If I found that their reason is ridiculous, I will stand by my choice.<P>Thinking that if your marriage don't work and you won't have your family to blame on is not a good reason because getting married suppose to be totally your call and not anybody else You'll be the one that will take the vow in front of the altar and not your family.<P>Anyway, reading your posts, I don't think you are ready to get married. You'd better delay it until you really know what you want in this life.

Thanks for replying Saskia, but I cannot deny the situation - Even if I am not prepared for marriage, I will end up marrying someone very soon. <P>Reasons for my family's objections : they believe they can find someone more beautiful, more sophisticated, more educated, from a more well-to-do family. And that I am just infatuated with this girl and after marriage, I will realise my mistake. They feel I am acting a messiah, and am not really in love with her. The moment I meet someone else, I will forget her.<P>I really dont understand what MY true feelings are. Rationally all the above makes sense. <P>I agree me and my GF are very very different in lots of aspects. But we share the same dreams. And my GF really really loves me and understands me, how does anything else matter. All I want is do everything I can all my life to make her happy, to take good care of her, to treat her like a queen. And that ever since we have been barred from contacting each other, I just cant get her off my mind. Every single moment, I just feel her next to me.<P>I know I sound childish, but I gotta decide :-( <P>And what one wants in life is a ever-repeating question without a final answer. So one cant wait till eternity ......<P>

How2choose,<P>Have you talked to your GF about your feelings? I think she has a right to know. Maybe she will have some insight that will help you decide. I know it may seem mean to tell her about your doubts, but I think she deserves at least to know. After all, it's her future too. <P>It doesn't sound like you are ready for marriage, but that you are going to have to get married soon regardless. If in your culture you have to learn to work things out w/ your spouse because divorce is not an option, why not work things out with a woman you already know and love? <P>On the other hand, if you are questioning whether she is good enough for you than maybe she is not the right choice for you. How unfair to question that and yet still marry her. Maybe your doubts don't stem from her (is she beautiful, etc.), but from your own insecurities. Are you truly questioning her qualities as a companion, or are you questioning what you want in a companion? Maybe she's a wonderful woman, but not what you want in a wife. Or maybe you don't really know what exactly you want in a wife, so you are using her good/bad qualities to decide something that could take years to know. <P>I hope you work things out.

how2choose,<P>To be quite frank, you're simply not ready.<P>Marriage IS for life. You shouldn't be thinking about WHOM to blame it on should your marriage not work. <P>I think you should really take some time to think things over. In no culture should it be right to marry someone w/ all sorts of doubts, and worry about divorce right from day 1. <P>Give yourself some time. <P>I should hope your family would respect you enough to care that you are happy. And things like money and looks are not the things that will make you happy. Maybe for awhile, but not for long. Besides which, looks fade, and money can't buy you love. <P>I think you sound very confused.<P>I'm not familiar w/ a culture where there are pre-arranged marriages, but even if I were, I wouldn't believe in them. <P>The most important things that will make for a lasting and healthy marriage, and furthermore, happy and balanced children, is love and respect and trust that your partner believes that you are meant to be together. You should also be able to be honest and open, and deal w/ conflict in a rational way.<P>But to say that looks are that important shows me that maybe you just don't understand what marriage really is.<P>Is it really THAT important to you?<P>And WHY do you want to blame someone if the marriage you choose to enter into fails? Shouldn't you have faith in the things you do? And then if it doesn't work out, shouldn't YOU be responsible and learn from it?<P>I realize your family's approval might be very important to you, but what they really want is:<P>FOR YOU TO BE HAPPY.<P>Isn't it?

Myra, I think u r right. I really dont know what I want in my wife.<P>I always had an IMAGE of my wife in my head which was partly media-and-society-generated - all glitzy, jazzy. That image included good looks, sophistication, panache etc. She is not even 50% of that. (btw, I am not asking for any brooke shields here, ok)<P>But after I met her, that IMAGE was shadowed by a new IMAGE of an ideal wife which was <P>Someone who is a friend, a companion, someone who NEEDS me, someone who can be a reason for my existence, someone who is my inspiration, someone who can touch my heart.<P>Now even within my heart and head, these TWO IMAGES are conflicting with each other and I am not able to decide. Everyone keeps telling me I can pretty much get both so why compromise, why give up, just wait for the right person. But I have this insecurity that mebbe trying to get both, I might lose the second one which has become more important now. I know I can always get the first one through arranged marriage but I will never know about the second one.