I have a question on marriage counseling. I just started going to counseling by myself--went to one person 2 times, wasn't sure if that person was what I wanted. (think she has just been recently divorced--do I want someone like that trying to help me) I went to another counselor yesterday. Two completely different approaches from the two. The first one wanted to concentrate on me--what will make me happy--whether or not we get a divorce. Work on my self-confidence,etc--husband would probably notice. The counselor I saw yesterday wants to go very aggressively into working on the marriage--try to get my husband in there and involved. (If can't get him in, will work with just me) I haven't even told my husband I've been going to counseling--although he may know from his mom or sister. I will end up shortly telling my husband that I am going to counseling and would like him to go, but his choice--if not, I will still go on my own. When we discussed counseling before--he didn't want to go--costs too much. He doesn't communicate very much--so really don't see him wanting to go to counseling and talking to someone. Also--the last week and a half have been very good for us--seems to be a change in him. He's been a lot more affectionate and joking with me again--something that he hasn't done in a few months (joking) Also--this past weekend when we were visiting his family--would catch him looking at me and he'd smile--almost felt like when you are first going out--the looks you exchange with each other. <BR> <BR>Two questions--should I push for him to go to counseling--or just mention that I am going and would like him to also, but if not, I will continue on my own? (Maybe he'll come around later)<BR>Also--which way of counseling sounds like the way to go? I really don't know what I am to expect from counseling--never have gone to before. I almost feel like the first one has some valid points.<BR>Any suggestions would be helpful. What kind of marriage counseling have any of you had? Thanks.<BR>

I don't know if I can help you about counseling but I'll tell you about my counselor. My H and I only went 1 time so far and will be going again on Wednesday. The first session consisted of her wanting to know what our problems were in our marriage. I basically told her what mine where and let the H tell her his problems. I guess the first session was like an evaluation process to figure out what is going on with us and our marriage and how to work on our problems for the better. She said she will not talk to us separately because that would mean going against one or the other. She said we are there to work on our marriage together. The only suggestion she made at that time was for us to do something together sort of like a date night (since H isn't living at home with me). The H has made plans numerous times but things came up. The H said he is confused right now and doesn't know if he wants to come back to our marriage or not. The counselor wanted to know what his reason for not coming back was and his reason to come back was. Why he don't want to come back "freedom". Why he wants to come back "he still loves me and cares about me and we have established alot together". <P>You can't force your H to go to counseling because that will only push him away and not want to go. Maybe he might feel comfortable going by himself, maybe he would like to go with you, maybe he won't go at all. Don't pressure him, bring up the subject of counseling and go from there. I don't know what made my H want to go. I mentioned it and told him if he wants to go to let me know. If your H doesn't want to go, focus on yourself and go to counseling, it will make you understand alot about you and your marriage and what is going on around you. I've been reading self help/marriage books and working on myself. The H told me that he has seen a change in my attitude for the good. Yes, I'm worried about working on my marriage, but I have to work on myself and my problems first. My marriage is where it is today because my H and I brought it to that point. Now we both have to work on ourselves and our marriage to bring it together again for the better. I think positive every day that our marriage is going to work and he will come back home.<P>Hope this helped a little.

My H went to a therapist seperate from mine but part of the same group and we gave them permission to speak with each other regarding our situations. They advised we both had some personal issues we should work on alone and then after a few sessions meet together with his therapist (mine only does individual counseling, his does all types family counseling). My H had a fit said he would go back if it was joint counseling but not alone. We ended up never going, but I kept seeing my therapist and feel that I benefitted greatly. Encourage your H to go but dont give up going yourself if he doesnt.