I am trying to figure out what my husband is thinking. He left me using the typical excuse that he never loved me even though we'd been together for 9 years and have 4 children. I gave him a sorta plan B letter where i told him that God had shown me how I had taken him for granted and left him feeling unappreciated. That I had put the kids ahead of him and put him on the back burner. but that I am up for self-improvement, marital counseling and reconciliation if only he hasn't locked that door on me. I really don't think he had an affair during the marriage but he never "sowed his wild oats" before marriage and it strikes me like he's having a mid-life crisis...new motorcycle, drinking, started working out, getting a tan and dating one month after the divorce was final. <P>So I'm wondering, if you are the person who left the marriage because you felt it was stale, didn't you want to let your spouse know you were unhappy and give them a chance to evaluate conditions with you and make a game plan to improve it? Especially if you've got kids.<P>My husband's reaction to my letter gave me the distinct impression that he would work on it slowly, but not to pressure him and that he liked what I acknowledged in the letter but that he wasn't going to tell me where I went wrong, that I would have to figure it out for myself. So I've come away feeling like I've been put on probation that if I slip up then he gets to say, well now you've done it. I'm outta here. And I'm surprised at his attitude that he wouldn't tell me what he considers my failure in the marriage. Is it me or does this sound wacky? How can you expect someone to make improvements if you don't communicate. After all I can't read his mind.<P>If he remarries, he puts me and the kids through turmoil that would never touch our lives in a traditional family situation. Even now, they wait for dad to come and get them to spend the night and the kids have to leave me. One day when they are teens one of them is likely to get mad at my house rules and say, I'm gonna go live with dad. If both parents are in the home, they couldn't pull that stunt. They couldn't say, I'm gonna move in with the neighbors and you say ok because you wouldn't have a choice! Of course you'd have a choice. I dread the thoughts of the battles ahead...between he and I and the Other Woman and I will have over the kids. She'll despise me for getting the child support, she'll undermine my parenting when they are with her, she'll try to take away those special moments that should be reserved for mother and daughter. I have a son and I'm sure one day he'll move out of my home to be with his dad and leave me. He wouldn't have to do that if dad were here.<P>If you weren't the victim, do you ever think about these things? How do you go ahead and leave anyway if yours is not a matter of adultery or abuse?<P>If you reconciled with your spouse, please relate what made it possible. Was it the pursuit of your spouse to get you back, was it because you missed the kids, was it because after you got your wild oats out of your system, when all was said and done, your discover your spouse really is a great person and you finally realized it? I want to know how to proceed now without accidentally throwing a monkey wrench into the rebuilding process. I'm terribly impatient and need guidance on how to get through this properly. I don't want to drive him away but I don't want to give the impression I don't care what he decides. I just don't understand how his mind is working right now.<P>I wish so badly that God would send him these two verses, taken from the Living Bible:<P>Live happily with the woman you love through the fleeting days of life, for the wife God gives you is your best reward down here for all your earthly toil. Eccl. 9:9<P>A father can give his sons homes and riches, but only the Lord can give them understanding wives. Prov. 19:14<P>He even admits I am understanding and very good to him. He just sees me as a friend (sound familiar) and that there was never true love for me. And somehow he thinks this is the solution...divorce the person you don't love, it's better than being miserable for the rest of your life. he never told me he was unhappy either. Just announced it was over and then started his physical self improvement, no doubt to make himslef more attractive to the women he'd soon be free to date.<P>How long does a man's midlife crisis last?<BR>
