I'm sitting here at the computer while my husband has our three oldest kids ages 3, 6, and 8 for visitation. The baby is with me because she's only a month and nursing which makes it difficult for her to go.<P>After seven months of separation, being lied to and cheated on, working my [censored] off to Plan A it, taking responsibility for my part in leading him to an affair while he did nothing but rub my mistakes in, ultimately being told by him when the baby was only a week old that he was choosing his 21 year old lover (we're in our thirties) and filing for divorce when he got the money, I filed for divorce myself. I did it to protect the kids and I financially and to save my sanity.<P>Since then he has become absolutely vindictive, saying and doing terrible things. I have a lot of support and a lot of people who are happy that I've filed.<P>Here's my problem, I truly believe my husband is so caught up in the addiction of the affair that he's not able to realize what he's doing. He's got a lot of problems and is definately not the man I was married to. He refuses counseling and since I've filed will barely even talk to me. I can't sit by and continue to let him hurt me, yet if only I could through to him I still would be willing to try to fix things in spite of all he's done.<P>What can I do? I'll still love him and don't want a divorce. Furthermore, my friends and family would have me comitted if they knew I was even considering trying to reconcile. <P>Suggestions please!!!!!!

Welcome still reeling…<P>This is my general welcome post for all new people.<P>This greeting is geared toward people whose spouses had an affair (A), but since it’s general, good advice, it can help your situation as well!! <P>It has a couple of links to many of the most important MB (Marriage Builder) sites.<P>Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies) <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>About your post... <P>Rather than letting go, I suggest that you try to continue a Plan A... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html</A> <BR>Check out this post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.), by a very wise, good friend named NSR (Jim). <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html</A> <P>Plan A is not just trying to win back a Wayward Spouse. It is what you should be doing to build/rebuild yourself first... and then your marriage! It is about becoming the person that you have the potential to be—the person that God intended for you to be! Now, still reeling, it sounds like you have at least been here before enough to know about "Plan A", so I am going to challenge you with something. Whether your H is smart enough to see it or not, if you build/rebuild yourself into a stunning woman, mother, and wife, you will be the winner. You will come out as a better person. Okay? So think about Plan Aing, even if it's mostly for yourself.<P>If you have drifted away from your faith (whatever that may be)consider rediscovering it. This step too, has helped countless marriages and marriage builders. <P>In your particular situation, you may want to consider moving from Plan A to Plan B, and that is explained to you at the same web site that explained Plan A. Plan B is basically no contact with your spouse, except to discuss issues involving the children, as long as they are having interaction with the OP (other person). You may want to consider this as an option before you just whirlwind through your divorce. <P>I will share with you my story a little. My H left me 1 1/2 years ago for another woman--he did have a physical affair with her. When he left, I started to learn the ways in which I had contributed to our problems, and make changes for the better to myself. I began to become the woman, mother and wife that God intended for me to be. I had to learn how to forgive the past. I had to learn how to speak up for myself and be brave. I had to do a lot of humbling things. But I also learned how to have joy again, how to find satisfaction and peace within myself, and how to Give when my H was not able to give back to me. You can do it too. <P>If I were to give an intelligent guess, I would say that it is conceivable that your H is being verbally abusive to you right now (well, DUH!). You may want to check out this web page about what to do when you KNOW that someone is abusive to you and hurting you, but you still love them. <A HREF="http://www.drirene.com/still_love_abuser.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.drirene.com/still_love_abuser.htm</A> <P>It will take some time for you to get through this, and it's going to require a lot of your energy, so pace yourself and rest and take care of yourself, and come here for your gripes and for some encouragement. Okay?<P>You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.<P><BR>CJ<BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Keep plan A going until the fog lifts, there is nothing you can do to wake him up. take care of you and kids.<P>

Thanks Faithful wife for the insight. I see from another of your posts that you are still in the process of healing yourself. I agree that I shouldn't just rush through the divorce if I don't really want it even if it would make most of my friends and family extremely happy or at least releived. I have done a lot of self improvement work and I feel so much better about myself. I know he notices it too because he has said things yet it gets so frustrating because whenever I feel we make any progress he pulls back. Anyway, I'm taking my time with this, praying for patience, and beginning to enjoy life again. I know you'll hear from me again.<P>K