Hi all,<P>Well we made it safely and the kids were as good as they could be, so it wasn't too bad an aventure.<P>H came to take us to the airport and we had an hour or so before we left for the airport. We talked about bills, paperwork, contact (he said he would like me to email him about once a week - and he is scared to phone mum's house in case she answers:rolleyes .<P>I asked him if there was anything he wanted to say to me before I left and he said, he was so sorry to put me through this (HA!) and that he thanked me for respecting him during this horrible time. And he knows how much he has hurt me. I told him that right now our old marriage was over, but it gave us an opportunity to build a newer and happier one. He agreed, with some enthusiasm.<P>There were lots of cuddles and tears from him. Me, too, well actually I held a lot in, thinking I would cry on the plane (didn't).<P>Anyway, I had prepared my ring and some other jewellery, and a note leaving it for him and telling him to give it back to me when he wanted me as his wife again. Well he found the ring, not the note, and he came in in a panic, you forgot these...so I took him aside and told him what the note was supposed to say for me. He was really upset by this....but he said okay, like he considered it a possibility that he would want me back. He said it a couple of times, lots of hugs again. Anyway, he put them back in the room...I noticed and laid them out with the note. He found it later, and he took it all with him! What does that mean?<P>So then it was airport time, absolutely surreal journey there, and when we got there, he came in with us, which I didn't expect. The line for check in was huge, so he took the kids for a walk etc and then came back....more surreal talks etc. He started to get teary and said he'd better go. He said a long goodbye to the kids, came to me, big hug...said "Try to enjoy your time over there." My time? I thought I was going for good!!! Sounds like he didn't think so. As dabigtrain says:<P>I will not psychanalyse!!!!<P>So now we're at mum's. It's okay, but it is going to be hard.<P>Thanks for everything in the past two months....I am so glad I had the support, and I will keep checking in. Mum is being generous with her computer, but I don't want to be too much of a hog on it.<P>Jacky

Glad you are there safely & your kids were good. Know how hard it is to those flights, especially when you are on end.<P>Enjoy your "time" in Oz. Let everyone take care of you.

Hi, just bumping because I feel so miserable being four thousand miles (or whatever) from my H. Oh please tell me I have done the right thing!!!!!

Hey, you went into Plan B, and you will not be a Wife to a Husband that shows no remorse for having an affair and does not want to work on his role as your Husband.<P>How is that? does that sum it up pretty well?<BR>Rearrange your thinking, do you remember when you signed on to south africa as a single mom? I don't. .. . <P>he will be home sometime, give him some space and time, and with the kids 4,000 miles away, he will begin to think about his role.<P>stay the course.<P>WIFTTy<BR><p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited September 08, 2001).]

Jacky- was starting to worry about you. Glad to hear you and kids had safe journey. Soak in the support of your family, take time to rest and heal.<P>Did you do the right thing? i think one lesson i am starting to learn in this chess game is if your first feeling is that you are wrong, you are probably right, and vice versa. Only time will answer that question for you, but you had the strength and courage to take the step, so you can surely handle whatever comes next.<P>Please keep in touch. You and your kids will be in my prayers in a special way tonight.<P>Peace.

Nina too,<P>You are in OZ, there is no changing it now so it has to be the right thing.<P>You must resolve the conflict inside of you as I must resolve the one inside myself. You have chosen one option and now you need to make it work for you. There, of course, are two possible outcomes 1) WS realizes the huge mistake he has made and will come to you and the kids to make and honest effort at building a <B>NEW</B> life with you and your children or 2) he choses the easy way out and stays with OW.<P>You my dear must truely be prepared for either outcome. If he choses the first you have done the right thing because he made the choice to come home and OW will be far away. If he choses the second you have made the right choice. I doubt even if you stayed in SA that it would change his mind if this is his choice.<P>I think that the chances are better for him to return with you gone. It will accelerate him and the OW into the real world and hopefully the glass house will soon shatter.<P>I'm sending you some peace. Please don't beat yourself up over your choice. I believe it was a good one. <P>Take Care<P>ps are you in Melbourne? My stbx is from Melbourne and we lived there for a little over a year when we were first married(oh sigh to be able to recapture those days again).

Thanks everyone for the encouragement. I am okay with this, really, I know the reality of the situation and the ways it can go....I just have some small moments of panic about it! It has been a major thing for me to do...I am sure HE never thought I would do it.<P>WIFFTy, that is twice you have told me now that he will follow me here. Is that based on what you surmise from his personality type? (thanks for keeping tabs on me!!!)<P>ANB3...thanks for your concern....the time difference here is even greater than S.A. Seems to be about 16 hours!!! So To talk to you guys almost directly, I have to be up from about midnight (no problem at the moment - body clock hasn't adjusted).<P>HopelessinAZ, I like your logic; I have to have done the right thing no matter what the outcome. And yes I am in Melbourne, in an outer suburb called Croydon. Do you know it?<P>Thanks again...this is a hard time for me and it's great to have the support and concern.<P>Jacky

Jacky, <P>I am so glad to hear from you and hear that you are physically there and safe, and basically alright. Of course, what I mean is that there is NO WAY you are alright--but you are there and that's good. <P>It's hard to discern sometimes what is the "right" and "wrong" thing to do in some of these situations, because either decision has such huge consequences. But you know what? I think you did a WISE thing moving back to Oz to be with your mum. You would have eventually had to leave him anyway, and I think the way that you left showed a lot of self-respect, courage, and love. You didn't yell and scream and make a scene--you just calmly did what was safe for you and your kids. Really, Jacky, I have A LOT of respect for you right now, because you had the courage, morality and inner stretch to care for yourself and guard your own heart. Yes, it's true--you have more courage than I do. You love yourself more than I do. And really, how can we expect our H's to respect US if we don't respect ourselves?<P>Jacky, you will be safe and cared for at your mum's. Now, bear in mind that someone has hurt her daughter TERRIBLY, and she is likely to be very, very mad at that person. Wouldn't you be if someone broke your daughter's heart like this? You'd want to rip his lungs out!! But forgive her and respond gracefully to her anger toward him, and eventually she will settle down too. She may still be thinking, "It can't be true!!" and be in shock. The thing is, your folks will be able to be there for you and support you and help you--in ways that normal "friends" just can't do. And for that, I am eternally greatful.<P>So, kid, I think you are doing a great, GREAT job. I'm sorry you have to be up at midnight to talk to us, but I'm glad you do it anyway. Hugs to you...warm, cuddly, teddy-bear fuzzy ones! {{{{{{{{{{Jacky}}}}}}}}}}<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Familiar with the name but not the area. When we lived there his family was in Wheelers Hill near Glen Waverly. His mom now lives at Saftey Beach and his sister in Narre Warren South. His Uncle and Nana live at Cape Patterson.<P>I enjoyed Melbourne much more than Sydney. <P>My neighbor and one of my very good friends here in Phoenix happens to be from Sydney. <P>What a small world!!<P>I want to ditto what CJ said. She has such a wonderful way with words and can write what I am feeling but can't ever seem to get out onto the page.<P>Now for something completely different.......<P>What were the names of those two people who used to do the Good Morning Melbourne Show (think that was the name). He was a older guy and she a ditsy dark haired woman? He hated everything American! I always got a good laugh from their show. Remember this goes back 11 years! And I also remember Hey, Hey it's Saturday! And that mop guy, was his name Dickie? <P>Alright enough of my walk down memory lane. <P>Take Care and stay in touch

CJ,<P>You do have a wonderful way with words....yes I am already experiencing my mum's anger (I knew I would). I have gently explained to her that it isn't helping me. She is trying not to go off too much. I can understand, because if anyone hurts my kids, I am angry too.<P>Hope, I know those areas well. We used to live close to Cape Paterson, and mh has relatives in all thos places you mentioned, so it is a small world isn't it?<P>I never watched Good Morning Australia, so I can't bring those people to mind, unless it's Ernie Sigley and Denise Drysdale (?) but of course everyone watched Hey Hey It's Saturday. It died a natural death a couple of years ago. It was hosted by Darly Sommers, and had Ossie Ostrich (dunno why they didn't have an emu!) Dickie Knee was the mop head. And then there was voice over man John Blackman, Wilbur Wild, Red Symons, the fairy, and variable female hosts. Jackie someone left, and they just couldn't find a suitable replacement, and I think that's why the show died.<P>Ah memories...we actually used to be annoyed when we had to go out on Saturday nights, because we'd miss Hey, hey.<P>Haven't heard from H yet, you'd think he would have at least wanted to see if we were okay....well I shouldn't expect it I know.

Nina Too,<P>About him not calling......my guess is that he wants to really badly but knows that one of your parents may answer the phone this has him in knots. Put yourself in his place and think about how ashamed you would feel of yourself having to speak to the father of the woman that you cheated on. WS don't like to be made to feel that way. I forces them to look into that mirror that they hate facing.<P>When I went home this summer for a month I had to make the first call. I thought it was the right thing to do anyway for the kids. I did not speak to him I just dialed the number and put my son on the phone. They did all the talking and I had no contact.....good plan B strategy. <P>Take Care.<P>p.s. yes it was Ernie and Denise! <P>

Hope,<P>Hi again.<P>Well the full story is that I sms'd him yesterday to give him a separate phone line number my parents have. It's in my bedroom. They say no-one ever phones it, so it's private if he wants to talk...thus circumventing the embarrassment.<P>But he still hasn't called. Yes, I think he would want to, but he is being the big man, and not showing his feelings...he would probably break down, especially talking to the kids. He tends to avoid emotional stuff if he can.<P>I have only been here a couple of days, but I am starting to think he doesn't care, or at least wants me to think that...just a gut thing. I hate gut things, cos for me they're usually right.<P>Well tomorrow is a working day, and maybe he's waiting to use the work phone, I don't know. Just don't want to try and predict his behaviour, cos it is so not him, all of this.<P>I WAS thinking of emailing him, because my Plan B doesn't start for about a month, what do you think? You know, just tell him about the journey.<P>Jacky

hey sis, <P>i am so glad you made it safely and you are back... i really missed you and i was wondering how you were doing??? i know it's hard... i can't imagine the strength it took for you to make that move... i am so full of fear right now i can hardly move... i almost am sure that the possiblitiy of reconsilliation for me and my ex is not going to happen and i am scared to death... i just don't want to imagine life without him.<P>i know it's hard but i still believe that it's going to be alright... well we know it's going to be alright regardless, but i believe that it is going to be alright in your favor...<P>i missed you in these past few days... i told you that i don't like to log on at home but i had to check my e-mail and here to see if you checked in...<P><BR>really hard to type right now, but i still wanted to hear from you...<BR>love kim...

Just got back from a short vacation. I am assuming you talked to someone at the embassy before you left or an attorney. Still don't know anything about international law as it relates to you. I'm glad you guys made it safely. I'll thinking about you. Lee

Thanks Kim and Lee,<P>It's nice to have friends like you guys right now. I am being a homebody at the moment, haven't contacted anyone yet. <P>Kim, I know you can't reply until you get to work, but you have my email address here don't you? If you want to talk before tomorrow, write it there and I will get back to you ASAP. Sounds awful for you. Know you are loved, and we care.<P>Lee I didn't go to the embassy. I will be investigating my case here since that is where I am. They will be able to tell me if he can file while he is there, and besides they will be up on Australian law as well. Thanks for your input and trying to find out something for me anyway.<P>This just sucks...I hate it. I thought I would be out of limbo when I came back here, but I am no better off, except that I don't have to see him twice a week and get hurt all over again each time.

Jacky:<P>Sorry I haven't posted sooner- I was at my mom's in Milwaukee all weekend, and just got back and got the kids to bed.<P>Re: psychoanalysis - "Try to enjoy your time over there" = "I don't really believe this is happening, so I'm going to define it as temporary." At least, that's my gut-level psychoanalysis. "Going home to mother" is such a stereotypical event- a hundred sitcoms have used it as a plot, and then resolved the issue in 30 mintues, with a break in the middle for ads. Part of him must see the seriousness of this, but paying attention to that part would mean some painful choices for him, so he's going to delay that as long as possible. <P>Re: your mum - I agree with faithfulwife that your mum is likely to be very angry at your H- I know, because my mom has just about had it with my W. If we ever get back together, she'll have some issues to work out herself. I actually find myself defending my wife's actions to my mother at times. Of course, I don't know what your mum is like, or what your relationship with her is like- but from my experience, be prepared for some weird turnarounds. <P><BR>Re:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR>This just sucks...I hate it. I thought I would be out of limbo when I came back here, but I am no better off, except that I don't have to see him twice a week and get hurt all over again each time.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You have been dealt a very bad hand, there's no doubt. But you're playing it exactly the way you have to; give it time. I'll remind you of something my therapist told me: you won't enjoy anything for a while. Everything will seem pointless and uninteresting. However, there are things you know you would enjoy if you were in a better place in your life. Do those things, and somewhere down the line, you will start to enjoy them again. As Hamlet told his mother (a WS, if I recall correctly): "Assume a virtue, though you have it not."<P>Good luck, Jacky, you are in my thoughts and prayers; by my last count, you are in the thoughts and prayers of people on four continents, and there may be some Asian or South American lurkers as well (I doubt anyone on Antarctica is reading this, however).<BR>

Wow, four continents...that makes me feel really special. <P>Yes, what you said about his comment kind of makes sense...as he IS avoiding the seriousness of all this. So he is obviously still deep in the fog. Still hasn't contacted me.<P>You are right about mothers, they mean well, but I have already found myself sticking up for h...I think I don't want to get too brutal about it with her IN CASE we get back together. And yes she and i guess my dad have issues about his actions.<P>My parents have been through this themselves and they made it. Things are better for them now than they have ever been. And without reading a single word on this site, they manage to meet each other's emotional needs very well now. But it took a lot of pain for them to get there. Guess I've still got a lot to go through, and the end result might not be the same for us. <P>I guess he's not contacting me because he doesn't trust what he will say to me...he's probably still raw and hurting that his kids are gone.

Nina, I actually put this on my post about how I felt but it seems buried now on the next page. I was just curious, how old are your kids. Thanks

Hi lee,<P>My kids are 8, 5 and four next week.<P>I'll look up your post. <P>Thanks!<P>Jacky