Well all I got word that they might be entering a child support order. And that it will be retro back to July of last year.. That is alot of $$$$$$$. Ex is not gonna be happy. I'm kinda happy that I will get what is owed to me and kinda scared that he will lose his temper and do something rash. (like always).<BR>My good friend just kept telling me to becareful. You know keep your door locked etc.. I am still letting our son see him thou. I geuss until it really hits the fan. I have alot of mixed emotions about this. <BR>Yes I know my son deserves it.<BR>I am just to much a conflict avoider. I tried to let him just pay me when he can. Last time I saw any $ was in july but, that was a birthday present he bought for our son. <BR>Well any suggestions comments to ease my nerves will be all too grateful.<BR>Wishing us all well<BR>Janet

I know how you feel all of a sudden....my parents are at me to go for the money already. I know I have to look after my back....but ugh! I feel bad about it.<P>Yes you should look after any children you have. But it makes the divorce thing more real, I have only had that word said to me once, That was in our counseling session, where I felt she led him to say it....so I am on one hand reluctant, and on the other hand scared that if I don't, I will end up with nothing.<P>A hard call. Sorry I don't have anything to offer....just wanted you to know I am there already too.

Janet,<P>Take it easy, the sun will rise and set without your assistance.<P>A father's house is forever open to his children. A child is forever a member of his father's household. When a man brings children into this world he is responsible for them to a greater or lesser extent for so long as he is capable. When they hit eighteen or twenty one in some states, he loses his authority over his kids, but he never loses responsibility for them, especially when they are incapable of taking care of themselves independently. That responsibility is forever, or at least until they are shoveling dirt over his remains.<P>His happiness is not much of a consideration in these matters. Support orders are not entered to keep a deadbeat parent happy. They are entered to make sure that the child receives the support that is his birthright from both parents. This isn't your doing, it is a part of our law that has been in our civilization for over 3,500 years.<P>You are not taking your ex to the cleaners. Your ex or stbx had to be an absolute mad man to go into court as a parent who isn't contributing regularly to the support of a child. First off, the judges don't want to be bothered with these cases, and certainly not under this circumstance. The judge isn't being hard on your ex, your ex did it to himself. What the courts really want, and what happens in about 85% of cases, is the parents work out an agreement that is fair to the child. Then they just do that without any prodding from a court. And from time to time, when something extra is needed, a parent with any sense at all figures out a way to take care of it without getting the courts involved.<P>The obligation to provide child support has nothing at all to do with a parent's visitation rights. I would suggest that you both try to avoid that landmine. The child is entitled to support whether the father sees them or not. The child has a right to see the parent whether he pays support or not. If either parent gets into this silly game of playing visitation based on support or vice versa, you will wind up using the child's back as a scoreboard.<P>Final word of caution. Your ex sounds like an intimidater, and he full well knows that he can intimidate you. It sounds like he has been taking advantage of you. Expect that he will try to take advantage of you again. <P>There is a lot of distance between the courts ordering child support and you actually receiving it. Given the fear you express for your ex, it might be a good idea to have the support administered by the court. You might want to consider arranging things so he makes the payments to the court and the court forwards the money.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper<P>

JJ71197 (Janet),<P>I want to re-iterate what Bumper said. Like you, I too have lived with a man who is intimidating; my H is 6ft. 3in. and I am 4ft. 10in.--he towers over me physically and emotionally. I know how scary it can be waiting for him to find out news that is going to make him mad. But, Janet, you are not the one who is "making" him do something he doesn't want to do. He made that choice when he made the decisions he made.<P>Let me give you an example that may help. If a teenage boy goes out and makes a foolish choice, and chooses to steal a car, he may temporary have "fun" and drive fast and seem like he's having a party. He doesn't want anyone, like his mom or dad or a policeman to tell him he can't do that, and if they do, he doesn't listen. But eventually the day comes that he is stopped by the policeman, who sees it is a stolen car, and the teenage boy is arrested. He gets a lawyer and tries to plea bargain, but the boy is too stubborn to take a good plea. He goes before a judge, and the judge knows the laws and sentences the boy to one year in prison as an adult, because the boy is 17yo. In the courtroom, the boy's mom and dad cry because their son has to go to prison. At that point, the boy is mad and he says to the judge, "You are heartless! You are making me to prison as an adult! How could you!?" Now, DID THE JUDGE MAKE THE BOY GO TO PRISON, OR DID THE BOY'S POOR CHOICES AND REFUSAL TO STOP RESULT IN THE JUDGE GIVING HIM THE NATURAL CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS?<P>Now, Janet, your H is the teenage boy. He is making choices that ARE choices that not only harm himself, but also you, his children, and other people. He knows that As are wrong (like stealing cars), but he does it anyway for the thrill. And for a while, it looks like he's getting away with it, having fun, and "driving fast"--right? He has his mistress and his wife and family, and he's being selfish. Okay, then one day he's caught (D-Day), and after trying to bargain his way out of it, but not really being willing to stop his bad behavior, he goes before the judge too. The judge knows the laws and orders child support that takes most of his paycheck--after all, he is the child's parent and should be supporting them! Like the teenage boy, your H gets mad and says, "You are heartless! You are making me be responsible for my children as an adult! How could you!?" Janet, DID YOU OR THE JUDGE MAKE YOUR H PAY THE PRICE, OR DID YOUR H'S POOR CHOICES AND REFUSAL TO STOP RESULT IN THE JUDGE GIVING HIM THE NATURAL CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS?<P>It is a hard thing to distinguish, but there IS a difference between PUNISHING someone and allowing them to suffer the consequences of their choices. Punishing involves revenge and pain and hurting someone like they hurt you. Allowing someone to suffer the consequence of their choices is actually quite a loving thing to do. Let me say that again! It is a LOVING thing to allow someone to suffer the consequences of their choices!!!! I have no doubt that up to this point, whenever he made a bad choice, you covered up for him and thought you were being loving and caring to not "make" him suffer. Right? Like, when he made a scene at the restaurant calling the waitress "SLOW" loud enough for everyone to hear, you apologized to the waitress and left her an extra tip.<P>What I'm trying to say here, Janet, and what Bumper said so well before me, is that you should not feel guilty because you are allowing him to suffer the natural consequence of his actions! He chose to be leave you, and although it hurts you like heck, he can do that; HOWEVER, the consequence is that he can not get away with it for free. He doesn't just get the thrilling part without the costly part, and the costly part in this case is the responsibility of caring for his child!!! You want the thrill buddy, that is your decision, but you MUST care for the children you produced before. Period. <P>No guilt. No shame.<P>I agree with your friends to keep your doors locked and be smart in those ways. Protect yourself as much as you can, and try to think ahead and be safe. Keep an extra set of keys and a few clothes at a friend's house (close by) in case you literally have to leave the house and run away to stay safe. <P>You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Write to us and let us know how you're doing!<P>CJ<BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Janet,<P>Faithful wife just wrote a beatiful analogy, but in reality, child support doesn't mean "suffer" the normal natural consequences, it means to "face" the normal natural consequences of one's actions.<P>Supporting a child isn''t merely a man's "responsibility", it is primarily his privilege, his right and his duty, established by the laws of nature, codified into the laws we live under today, to participate in the upbringing of his offspring.<P>Sure the judge may compel him to face a responsibility, but that is a natural responsibility that was already there the moment he decided to let his drawers hit the floor. If men and women hadn't learned how to work together to nurture and protect the new generation they bring into this world, we would have died out as a species a hundred thousand years ago. If he didn't wish to face this responsibility, all he had to do was keep his britches on and head for a cold shower.<P>Prayers and stuff, <P>Bumper

You paint such a lovely picture, Bumper. Would a bucket of ice have also done the trick? heehee--devilish horn protruding!<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FaithfulWife:<BR><B>Would a bucket of ice have also done the trick </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>CJ,<P>Oh yes, indeed it will if you know exactly when and where to apply it. <P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper <P>

Hey thank you bumber and CJ.<BR>I always say I know but sometimes what I do is a different story. <BR>As well my ex is 6'2 very strong. I am 5'1. He has been violent before. The drinking did not help.<BR>He has given me money very speracticly. Maybe around 350$ for this year. Call me crazy. I get so mad at him and want to go forward with this, then he is nice and I put it off some more.<BR>A very dear friend has been telling me to push for this months ago. Well I really didn't have to push they are doing it for me. He has not gotten the notice yet. <BR>As far as visiting. He picks a day and then doesn't fall thru or he picks him up and says he can't keep him till he is supposed to. So therefore I can never make plans for myself. <BR>It gets harder before it gets easier.<BR>Thank you all<BR>Wishing us all well<BR>Janet

JJ71197,<P>How is it going today? Did the well-known substance hit he oscillating device? Just thought I'd let you know that either way, you're on my mind today!<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Well CJ,<BR>I dropped little one off at his dad's. I had a little fun time. I did not say a word about the support issue to him. I will let him find out himself. I do not want to be around when he finds out. <BR>When I picked him up tonight. The ex was semi decent.<BR>But he always does that One day he wants to kill me the next he talks cival to me. What is up with that?<BR>He is very unpredictable. Unlike me I have been told that I am very predictable. (I need to work on that.<P>So I geuss there goes my favorite word time.<BR>I did ask him tonight if he was living with his girlfriend and he said he is on and off. And the only reason I asked him was becuase I can never get a hold of him. He said that his gf bought him a new answer machine so he can check his messages from anywhere.<BR>Anyway that is all for now I'll keep you updated.<P>Wishing you all well<BR>Janet

Hi,<P>Just wanted to say good luck. I know you are nervous but you are doing the right thing. If he's anything like my soon to be ex, he'll be mad, he'll throw his little tantrum and then eventually he'll get over it. Just try to stay out of his way during the tantrum stages.<P>Good luck!!!<BR>ANNA

Well just an update.<BR>I think the stbx knows what is going on becuase he is being way to nice..<BR>He told me to take what I want from our basement where we have stuff stored.. I'm talking stuff I have not seen in over a year...<BR>I am still trying to figure him out. I used to know him but he is too unpredictable..<P>Wishin all well<BR>Janet

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by JJ71197:<BR><B>I think the stbx knows what is going on becuase he is being way to nice..</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Janet,<P>If he has any sense he is. There is no point in creating any more bad feelings. Little courtesy goes a long ways. Amazing what can be accomplished with small kindnesses.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper<P>