Been lurking on this site for over a year and post occasionally. Been seperated for 4 months because my wife needed to find herself. She claims there is no one else and she just wasn't happy. She has lied to me over and over and I'm feel like giving up and getting a divorce. She did have an affair 2 years ago and lied about that one as well. about 5 months ago I kept finding a cell phone in her vehicle and saw it in her purse over and over. I found the number on it and had it traced back to her with a mail boxes etc. address. She said she got it for looking for apartments without me knowing?? I really question the logic in that since she already had a cell phone and that made me highly suspicious. Anyway her mail boxes etc. payment lapsed and they forwarded her mail to her home address which is where I live, she has an appartment. It has an unopened cell phone bill and nothing else. At this point I feel like I don't want her back anyway and if I look at the bill and start reverse tracing numbers I will just end up mad when I find out suspicious numbers. She will just say they were her friend using her phone anyway. I'm tempted to do it but feel I will just get upset over doing it. She has shown no interest in getting back together and feel I have tried everything. Otherwise I feel great but do miss her sometimes but really don't want to go back to all the lies. What would you do?

Well, what I'm sure I WOULD do is check it out as much as I could to find out what was going on. Whether that's productive or not is another question. On the one hand, I'd just like to know. On the other hand, maybe sometimes you're better off not knowing. Really, though, I'd say to check out what you can, if the results prove to be totally innocent, then great! If you hand't checked it out, you could spend the rest of your life suspecting when there was really nothing there. If the results are not so innocent, at least you know, and can try to deal with reality.

I agree with JayJ. If it will make a difference, go ahead and open it. You need to know for yourself whether or not she is telling you the truth. If you no longer want to save the marriage, don't open it and move on.

Fedupjoe:<BR>This is the first time I have entered this site and your letter is the first I have ever responded to also. My husband and I are divorcing. My situation is very different from yours I am sure. We have had a lot of problems. I have been married to him for 17 years and have been faithful to him for those 17 years. Although the last three years have been very painful for me. He did something to me that I can't forgive him for and the last three years I have been tormented by this. I recently started going through a depression and tried to find ways to deal with my depression. I started chatting with people on line, mainly women but I found it easy to talk to people about my problems on line. He automatically felt that I was cheating on him and started going through my things, going through my emails, looking on my phone bill of my cel phone and basically, to me, invading my privacy. Three years ago, he took most of my dignity away from me and then when my privacy was gone that is when I felt I had nothing left. We are divorcing now and I am very sad about this. If you think she is cheating on you, there are other ways of finding out besides going through her mail and things likes that. I was not cheating on my husband and I felt like I was on trial for something I never did. I was just trying to survive. <P>Also, it is a federal crime to open someone's mail and if you open her mail you could be facing jail time.<P>Good luck with your decision.<BR>Anna<P>

For me, once the trust is broken I can't imagine ever truly getting it back. You said she had an affair before and lied about it, that's what's in the back of your mind again, isn't it? My wife is divorcing me to continue her affair, but even if her affair had ended and she came back, I don't think I could take her back. It's just way too painful to have someone sh*t on you like that and then try to reconcile. It will always be there. In her cell phone bills, when she's late, when she has to go somewhere out of the ordinary, when she spends time with "friends", and definitly now, when she's gone for 4 months "FINDING" herself. She's right there! Deal with reality. You don't have to find yourself, that's just running away from life and it's struggles. Ask yourself the tough questions and then decide. Can I ever get past her affair? Is my life better with her or without her? Does she make me happy? What do I want out of life and do I see her in it make it better? Do we want the same things or are we kidding ourselves? Find yourself and you won't need to worry about whether or not she's found herself. Once you know what you want and are taking steps to achieve life's goals, she's either with you or not. <P>Be strong and think hard. Remember though relationships are like buses. When one drops you off, another is their 15 minutes later to pick you up. Not all buses are the same or go to the same place, but that's the excitement about finding the right one. Talk to her, see where she is at this point and then take charge of your life. Your the only person that will.<P>Take care, this is just my opinion, so take what you may,<P>FF63

fedupjoe,<P>I have mixed thoughts about this, but I come down on the side of calling her and telling her the bill came - and not opening it. My W had a couple of email boxes and I read them for a long time - and her OM sent his password (stupid, huh!) and so I was reading all his email for over a year. Did it help me? No! The phone bill was another matter, since I was paying it. I put an international block on our line for a while. After the pattern of calling was broken, I took it off. She didn't call him for a year (or exchange email - tho I deleted some of his messages to her). Anyway, now she's moved out (over 3 months ago) and calls him several times a week and has a "secret" P.O. box. Fortunately, he is in Eastern Europe and she's not going there.<P>My point after all that is that it really doesn't matter. If you would take her back if she came back now, take her back. Don't get into the investigative mode too deeply. It consumes you. I ended up losing my job - maybe because for over a year, I was checking his and her email several times a day and not doing my job. They write to each other in another language, which I hardly know at all - so I would spend hours with a dictionary trying to decipher their mail - and <B>ALL</B> of his email (so I could figure him out). Did it help? Again, I have to say NO! Finally, I told her I wouldn't read her email (or his) - and I haven't. I did put an international block on her phone (Her apartment and phone is in my name and I pay the bill.) So, unless you have an issue with paying the phone bill, I would recommend just to let her know the bill came and leave it at that.<P>Remember : I have no qualifications to advise anybody about anything. <P>-AD<p>[This message has been edited by AbandonedDad (edited September 10, 2001).]