I hope someone can help. My wife of 3 years left me about 10 weeks ago and I feel as if we’re running out of time. I’ve always loved her but there was a time when I wasn’t very attentive to her needs. She had an affair about a year ago but we got back together and tried to work things out, but it didn’t work. Everything I did just drained away. I found this site yesterday and it explains so much of what is going on in my life but now I fear it’s too late to make our marriage work. She’s told me that she loves me and would like to rebuild our marriage but refuses to come home. She doubts if things will change and I’ve been unsuccessful in convincing her that they have already changed. To make matters worse she saw that guy a few times, although she said she’s not going to do that anymore. Should I hold on or let go?

WM first of all change your username. At this time you need to be strong and patient. Please read Dr. Harleys' topics of Plan A/Plan B on how to restore a marriage after an affair. Also please read the book 'Surviving An Affair' also by the Harleys'. At this point, I would implement a solid Plan A where you work to improve yourself, identify the Emotional Needs that you were failing to provide her, and avoid Love Busting at all costs. You made an excellent choice in coming here and posting. Continue to peruse the posts already available and post updates to your own situation after you have read how to implement Plan A. You will receive much support from all the great MBers here. Take care and do not make hasty decisions because you think you are 'running out of time.' You are not.<P>'Should I hold on or let go?'<P>It is obvious to me that you want to hold on, so do so.<P>Also, during the weekends, these bulletin boards are very slow so be patient. Come monday, you will be receiving more replies than you care to count. Read up on Plan A for now and give us an update.<p>[This message has been edited by Indecision (edited September 09, 2001).]

I agree with Indecision, change that name!!!<P>My wife (also of three years [what is it about that third year? I've seen so many three year marriages at this site]) approached me two weeks ago saying she was considering of ending our marriage. Now, granted our situation and our problems are very different from yours, but I'm starting to believe in the usefulness of this site. Luckly, I found this site a few days after receiving the 'news'. I started reading and learning about what makes marriages work. Things are no anywhere near fine with my wife and I now, but we are talking more than we have in a while. <P>Sorry, got a little off track. For me personality, infidelity is one of the deal breakers. Neither my wife nor I will tolerate it from each other, but that is our decision. If you feel the need to continue your pursuit for you wife's love, then do so. But be careful not to ignore yourself and you needs.<P>Stay strong.

Just wanted you to know I read your post. I hope you can do the reading suggested by indecision, and also change your name...people who want to work at their marriages even in these horrible times are STRONG. See yourself as strong, too.<P>My left 9 weeks ago, mine's a big story I won't go into here...but I am still in the hopeful stage. Your wife says she wants to work on the marriage...that's great, but she will not believe there are any changes just because you tell her...you have to show her, over and over and over again.<P>Good luck!!!

Weakmale,<P>Welcome aboard my friend,<P>Well, I for one don't agree that changing you're screen name is the first priority. In his columns on infidelity, Dr. Harley's points out that infidelity is one of the cruelest forms of spousal abuse. Any any man who has experience a cheating wife knows that this is one of the cruel things he feels, whether we admit it or not, the sensation of being a weak male is there, it hurts like hell, and it needs to be dealt with. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> <B> For me personality, infidelity is one of the deal breakers. Neither my wife nor I will tolerate it from each other, but that is our decision. </B>B<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Bullllllllllllllllls**t. My friend, if as long as you have hope to save your marriage, you are going to have to ignor comments like this. If marriage is a covenant, yes, infidelity violates the contract, but it does not break it. And given an incident of infidelity, most husbands do not immediately divorce their wives, what most betrayed husbands do is try to save their marriages. And even more so, betrayed wives try to save their marriages.<P>My ex and I didn't succeed, Dr. Harley wasn't around in those days, but I believe you have come to the right place, and I believe that if we had access to Dr. Harley and Marriage Builders thinking, we might have saved our marriage too.<P>So I hope you'll keep coming back to MB, maybe spend some time on the home page, looking up and reading Dr. Harley's columns, and learning MB philosophy.<P>As to the issue of feeling weak, there are different kinds of strength. Let me point to two great strengths in Nature, the magnificent Oak Tree, large, tall, and unbending. and the Willow, small, thin, pliable. When Hurricane Agnes came ashore, the Oaks got uprooted, and knocked over. They died. The Willows bent with the wind, gave a little, persevered and survived.<P>Right now you may feel a little weak, but feelings aren't facts. What you may be experiencing is you greatest strength. Something to think about.<P>Keep coming back, it works, it works!<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper <P>

I wanted to thank you for your responses. Your support means a lot to me. I’ve hide this event from everyone, I guess I’m a little ashamed and fear being judge. I want you to know that your support has made this day much easier for me and it’s greatly appreciated. Now I can give you an update on my situation. Earlier today my wife came by and I shared the things I found on this web site. It helped give both of us a better understanding of how we got here and what we need to do to continue in our relationship. I presented my wife with plan A but she’s still a little resistant. I’m going to continue to try but we’ll see what happens. As for my handle, I do feel stronger than when I initially posted this message but I’m not ready to change it just yet. Thanks again for everything and I’ll continue to post updates.

Welcome weakmale, <P>This is my general welcome post for all new people.<P>This greeting is geared toward people whose spouses had an affair (A), but since it’s general, good advice, it can help your situation as well!! <P>It has a couple of links to many of the most important MB (Marriage Builder) sites.<P>Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies) <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>About your post... <P>Rather than letting her go, I suggest that you start on a Plan A... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html</A> <BR>Check out this post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.), by a very wise, good friend named NSR (Jim). <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html</A> <P>Plan A is not just for trying to win back a spouse. It is what you should be doing to build/rebuild yourself first... and then your marriage! It is about becoming the person and husband that you have the potential to be—the person that God intended for you to be!<P>If you have drifted away from your faith (whatever that may be)consider rediscovering it. This step too, has helped countless marriages and marriage builders. <P>I will share with you my story a little. My H left me 1 1/2 years ago for another woman--he did have a physical affair with her. When he left, like you I started to learn the ways in which I had contributed to our problems, and make changes for the better to myself. I began to become the woman, mother and wife that God intended for me to be. I had to learn how to forgive the past. I had to learn how to speak up for myself and be brave. I had to do a lot of humbling things. But I also learned how to have joy again, how to find satisfaction and peace within myself, and how to Give when my H was not able to give back to me. You can do it too. <P>If I were to give an intelligent guess, I would say that your W's lovebank is empty. She tried to reach out to you and try to connect and interact with you, and eventually she just couldn't try anymore. About then, along came someone who understood her and told her she was great and started to fill her lovebank. Imagine a pitcher of water that is constantly pouring water OUT but never getting a refill of water. It can't keep pouring out forever! Eventually, the pitcher will run dry and it will have to stop pouring out. That's what has happened here. Your W poured and poured and poured and finally ran dry. Now your job is not to give up--it is to think of her and REFILL HER PITCHER. <P>You will probably have to fill her pitcher for a while without getting anything back to you to fill your pitcher, so be ready for that. It will take some time for her to believe that it's true and that you are sincere, so pace yourself and rest and take care of yourself, and come here for your gripes and for some encouragement. Okay?<P>You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.<P><BR>CJ<P><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

I need guidance. I’m not trying to be selfish and I know this is probably the worse possible time to time to ask for advise given the attacks in DC in NYK but I do need help. I other day when I presented my wife with plan A it brought a little hope to my life. She wasn’t willing to completely commit to it but seemed like she was really consider executing the plan. I don’t want to get into specific details but now we seem more distant than a week ago. She resumed her rampage of hate and thoughtlessness and it really HURTS. I know I probably shouldn’t have done this but I wrote her a letter describing how I feel. My question is this, are her actions “normal” or “typical” in a separation? Do they knowingly make you feel good some days and horrible in others? I often tell her how I feel but I’m usually extremely careful to ensure that I don’t come across as hostile. Should I give her the unedited version of how I feel? I’ve done in my head so many times but it sounds so harsh and cruel. Lastly, should I continue to try to plug holes and make deposits or sit back and wait for her to make the next move?

weakmale,<P>I'm having a wierd day today. I am a federal worker, and we were all sent home today because we were afraid we would get bombed, and that is enough to mess up my mind. <P>HOWEVER, I know that life does go on, and so if you don't mind, I'll respond a little briefly today and more thoroughly tomorrow. Okay?<P>I will explain this more to you tomorrow, but my advice would be to keep plugging those holes. For example, it is ALWAYS a good idea to control your angry outbursts, whether it wins back your wife or not. And trust me, just the constitency of not being angry will cause a LOT of progress. Second, I would bet that she is testing you, to some degree. Are your changes real? Will the changes "crumble" the minute it's not easy or there's a problem? See, if you go back to hurting her now, or stop making deposits, then she'll know that she can not depend on you--but if you are consistent, then she'll start to believe in you. KEEP IT UP!!<P>Next, I would say, DO NOT ( I repeat, NOT) tell her the unedited version of how you feel. That will pound the final wedge between you. She may need to rage and fuss a bit, because you hurt her. Tell her she is valuable. Tell her the things you LIKE about her. And if she asks you how you feel, be honest, but kind...like "Sometimes I feel a little discouraged, but then I think of how much you mean to me, and I know I just need to take care of myself a little." Okay?<P>I'll try to write more tomorrow, if I can, so you can understand WHY you are saying some of this stuff and WHY she is acting like she is, but not tonight. I'm a little shook up. <P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.