We remarried after being apart and divorced less than a year. And at first everything was great we wnt through some major counseling together and alone and thought everything was cool. Well now we have been married for about 5mths and everything is not cool, all the lessons in communication and anger managment havent panned out for us we fight all the time or we go for weeks without even talking to each other which is very hard when you have a 4 yr. old son, he doesnt even realize that his mom and dad dont talk to each other, I told myself i would not be the one to leave this time and no matter what i just cant my son is holding me here, he has this thing that we will be together forever because he was there when we got re-married and it is very hard when he asks those ?s that a 4 yr. old asks. I try to be as honest as possible with him without telling him that we just cant get along at all sometimes it is so bad. I was the one who divorced him and had a relationship afterwards and i pay for it everyday especially when something has not gone his way. I dont know where i am supposed to go from here but it is nice to be able to get all this off my chest to someone CC

It sounds to me like he still doesn't forgive you. Does he?<P>Is there any trust in your relationship? Or does he constantly second-guess you and try to make you feel guilty for having filed the divorce papers your last time around?<P>Because if he isn't willing to forgive you and work towards building a new life together, you're right: you won't get along at all, EVER.<P>Ask him what he wants, and tell him how you feel, and in doing so, remember that you love him, and try to put those counselling tools to work!<P>Good luck!

Scarlie<P> yes he says he forgives me over and over whenever there is a big fight, but i feel if he forgave me then the need to bring it up again and again wouldnt be there. He always says he wants us to have out future together but i really dont know if thats what he wants or at one moment he does and then doesnt i dont know its all getting so hard, now we go around not even talking to each other unless we have too, We have both asked each other what do you want and we always have the same ideas it just doesnt work out that way,I do not want to leave and actually i wouldnt i have already told myself and others i will not be the one to leave, I have gone through alot to put this marriage back together and i am not giving up or leaving if this is the way he wants to live so be it, I cant do this to my son again and if somebody is going to leave its going to be him which i think i would rather he not but i dont want to live like this either, I am so glad that my son doesnt see the tension between us he just thinks every thing is great I mean we take him places together but dont talk to each other which is really sickening but all my son sees is that we are all together. I had suggested going back to cousenling and my H said was if thats what you want to do I had said its better than what we are doing and he just said i dont care whatever you want to do, that really made me feel like crap, like he really cares which scares me because our last counseling was very in depth i mean we both went through alot of stuff and really thought it helped and now here we are back to where we started before we got divorce the first time. I just dont know and that is scary too. Thanks for writing CC

Five months isn't a long time to work something like that out. It sounds to me like maybe his "forgiveness" was premature. Maybe he knew he would but hadn't yet. Also, it is probably unreasonable to expect forgiveness and trust until you have had time to "earn" both. Sounds like things might have been rushed.<P>Why did your other relationship end? What caused you to get back together?<BR>

CC,<P>You know what? I hate to tell you this, but your son isn't as oblivious as you would like to think he is. Children have a way of "knowing" how their parents really feel. Children always know more than you think they do. If you're only staying together for your little boy, you're doing him more harm than good. He deserves to see both of his parents happy. And it is proven that children growing up in homes with quarrelsome parents are more traumatized than children of divorced parents. Think about that.<P>I admire your willingness to hold on, at all costs, to a marriage that isn't working. But what are you giving up because of it?<P>I think that your husband probably forgives you in his heart, but doesn't yet trust you in the here and now.<P>I think it should be obvious to him that you are trying your best - always wanting to work on things, and being determined to not let go of him this time around. These things should tell him something.<P>According to what you've told us, you've basically done all you can for this relationship. It's up to him now. Does he want to learn to trust you? Is he willing to open himself up to you like that again?<P>And are you willing to put up with him constantly needing reassurance that you won't leave as you did before?<P>This is all I can say from what you've told us. <P>You'll have to give us more information; why you left, how long you were apart, who initiated getting back together, why you got back together, etc.<P>S.

I was always giving reasurance and still am thats one of the reasons we fight everytime he does something that he knows is wrong or out of line, he makes it like its my fault and tells me if i dont want to be here then go, I tell him and show him this is where i want to be and i didnt have a problem reasuring him because i know thats what he needs and thats ok but i cant keep getting downlittled and made out to be nothing but a pain to him, I really am a good person and have made huge mistakes which i have totally taken responsibility for, in counseling and out of counseling i have apoligized a thousand times over and it just aint enough and now some of the fighting aint even over that, he getting in bar fights with the people i was involved with and then that aint all of it either it doesnt have to start in a bar or by drinking I need to tell you all of it from the start and its very hard but i will do that Thank you again everybody for writing it seems to help me stay focused on what i want in my heart and not in anger or anything out of hurt and i have alot of hurt right now i feel like i could just cry 24 - 7 CC

I don't get it. He is fighting in bars with people you were involved with??? What does that mean? Were you involved with people in the plural?<P>And what is it that he does that is "wrong" all the time to start fights? In whose opinion is it "wrong".<P>As a side note, if he is fighting in bars, he is an angry man.

CC,<P>Take your time with all of this. We're only here to try to help you. Take however long you need to tell us all that we need to know to help you more.<P>I thought you probably had problems with reassurance. Sounds to me like your H loves you and want to be with you, but resents you for leaving before. All of these arguments where he needs reassurance only proves that. And "nonplused" was right; he's very angry, and instead of taking it out on you, he's taking it out on other aspects of why you were apart, namely, other men.<P>Did you have an affair w/ someone else while you were married the first time around? Is that why you separated?<P>It seems to me that he is not only struggling with all of this with you, but that he is probably struggling within himself. He probably feels like a fool for going back to you...not because he doesn't love you, but because he does love you so much that he is willing to put his heart on the line (again) and he probably feels scared and angry and like he's almost "losing himself" in a way.<P>I know you're doing a lot of reassuring. But this is what you owe him for hurting him. Eventually he will trust you again. But it will take time and patience. And things will never be the same. They can be better, or worse, depending on how you both deal with this, but they will never be the same.<P>I'll be watching for you to post again.<P>S. <BR>

Yes i left him and when i did i had a relationship with somebody, I had gotten my own appartment for me and my son, I thought i was doing the right thing for myself i was unhappy in our marriage and ran just ran, no counseling no nothing just ran, Me and my H were married for 13 yrs and had a 2 yr. old son we were divorced in 3 months time, after that he was having a relationship with somebody too, after awhile we were able to talk to each other without fighting and that was great we even did things (zoo) with our son just the 2 of us, in the meantime i had realized the person i was involved with was not right for me or my son, and me and my ex at that time started seeing each other more which we both wanted, I had all these feelings going on, what i wanted, what my son wanted and needed, I thouhgt putting my family back together was the right thing to do, So we decided on marriage counseling to help us get through everything, while we were seeing the counselor he was still seeing this other women, but he made it out to be ok because she was there for him when i wasnt and with all the guilt i was feeling i didnt fight it at first but as the counseling went on we were able to talk to each other better than we ever had and in counseling i was taking the blame for everything because i was the one who left, and i was the one who hurt him so bad, so yes i wanted to do anything to make it up to him, while we going through counseling we had alot of fights but still got things out on how we made each other feel and what we wanted for our future together, I wanted more communication, we never talked to each other it was always him talking and me listening, I wanted him to work on his anger he is a very angry person could be the way he was raised but he agreed, when he gets mad his words hurt bad, we wanted more openess with each other to be able to tell each other anything, which we didnt do while we were married, it was like we just lived together and put on a good show for everybody, Well the counseling ended up helping us both alot, we were a family again except for he still had to end it with the girl freind and i had brought that up in counseling, and his thing was he didnt want to hurt her before he knew if we were gonna be ok. So finally things were good i mean better our marriage ever was, We were divorced in early March and started counseling in early May 2 months later and was living together again in Oct. and had remarried in Feb. in that time we had gone through terriable fights abusing words hurting words that i let go for awhile because i thought he needed to get it all out, and i did feel very guilty for hurting him but i cant take all the blame for our failed marriage the first time around he was very demanding, it had to be his way I just cant take the blame for that I will take resposibility for leaving without looking for help first, and i live with that everyday, and the days i dont he reminds me, So we went on and then he started drinking to get drunk and then would just run his mouth so bad we had terriable fights through this but i thought this is what i deserve i did this to him and so i let him hurt me over and over and then he started fighting with the brother of the man i was seeing and it kept going on and on everytime he seen him, so at one point i had asked him please dont bring this home enough is enough, he would come home bragging how he seen him on the street and flipped him off, this was way after he had admitted to being ok with everything that he did want us together and the past is in the past but he cant leave it there and for awhile i could understand but we had gone through so much for a better future and now it is not better, we dont talk anymore its back to i keep my mouth shut dont express any opinions on anything because it will just start an argument, we cant talk to each other again, the only good good freind i have left through this he is now calling her names, he is jealous of her he wont admit that but he wont talk to me and i try to talk to him, our last blow out just put me way off and over the edge i cant take much more, we were out with some of my family and thought everybody was having a good time, well the brother of you know who walked in, and when this happens i always ask do you want to leave or go elsewhere because it is more than fine with me to leave, which also upsets me, because he doesnt do the same when his ex girlfreind walks in that i am supposed to deal with and i do, I am a very strong person with broad shoulders but come on im also a women, So he did end up in a fight with this guy a fist fight which i was in the middle and ended up getting hit in the face, he knocked over tables on his way out ruining these peoples keroke books breaking glasses, but anyways i get him to the car and he gets mad at me because i walked out of there mad what was i suppossed to do cartwheels to the car, so all the way home he is accussing me again of not wanting to be with him and not standing up for him and wanting to be with all these other people and again i am telling him, who am i going home with, hello yes im mad i just got punched in the face, i have never been hit in the face, so anyways it goes on he doesnt talk to me for 2 weeks, 2 weeks is long time not to talk to somebody your supposed to love and everytime i tried to talk to him we would fight because he just cant take responsebility for his actions and this pisses me off because when we were getting back together he made me take responsiblity for all that i did, and i did take responsebility i even think i took some of his for our first marriage and i think that was out of all that guilt he made me keep reliving, I dont know, I just dont know anymore, we have done counseling together we have done it alone, we had started going to church which is where we got remarried, now its all back to where we started not talking to each other and i mean not at all, unless we absolutly have too. I just dont feel i can do any more or dont know if i want to everytime i try to make things right it lasts about 2 or 3 days, I talk to one of his sisters alot we have become good freinds and she is even at her wits end with this, she was there for him when i left they had even become very close and now he doesnt talk to her, he is so busy with work again, working all hours and that doesnt have to be away from home either, his office is upstairs, he is spending less time with our son but he doesnt see that, but i do, the weekends are supposed to be for us as a family this was his idea, me and my son have been spending wweekends together without him because he's working, The thing is he doesnt like to admit it when he wrong and so he will throw something back at me so he doesnt have to deal with it. And i just dont know how to deal with it anymore, I hope i havent totally confused you all by all of this, it is so hard to write it all without really missing alot of what is going on daily, I think i could write a book, but would it help, Thanks again CC

CC,<P>I didn't realize there was that much anger from your husband's side of things. <P>You said that when you were married the first time, he never "listened" to you. Is that why you left?<P>Because in my opinion, that's a good reason to leave. Communication is absolutely vital in a marriage if you want it to work. And why is he so "snappish" with you?<P>It seems to me like he's just an angry person, and anger has a way of coming out with the people you are closest to.<P>I agree with you that you cannot take all of the responsibility for the failed marriage the first time around. I knew there must have been something that would have lead you to leave him. Obviously, it was the way he didn't listen to you, and took out his anger on you. I think you had a right to want a better life for you and your child.<P>You're also right that you should take responsibility for leaving without giving all you could to the marriage first (should have gone to counselling first). <P>But people make mistakes. And you probably thought you were doing the best thing at the time. Now he's just even more angry.<P>Well, IMO, it's his turn to start looking at his own mistakes. Why is he so angry with you? Why doesn't he believe you?<P>Have you spoken with him, and told him that you never felt heard, and that's why you left. Have you told him that you felt alone in the marriage because he was always blaming you for everything?<P>If he doesn't understand why you left, he won't be able to forgive you in his heart. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe he needs to validate WHY you left so that he can let it go and trust you again.<P>What do you think?<P>S.<BR>

I am in the same boat as you, I am really glad to hear someone else is going through this, I thought that once you were divorced it was stupid, if not impossible to get back together. This kind of makes me loose hope though. I am dating my ex husband. We have been separated for a year and divorced for 6 months but we really want to get back together .I see the same pattern here, we are in the honeymoon stage and are falling in love all over , but then we fight like we used to and he can't let go of the past. He keeps bringing up things I did that made him leave. Niether of us had an affair, we just couldn't communicate and he was angry all the time. I hate to put our 3 year old daughter through this, if it didn't work the first time, how can it a second time around? how do you know its the right decision instead of you just being lonely? We never went to counciling and still haven't. I would like to ,but we can't afford it. I just want to make the right choice for my daughter and I and know it is for the best. What happens if it isn't and we get remarried? How many times can you honestly put yourself and your child through this continually? I know where you are coming from though, but if already it is falling apart ,the decision was made way to fast, your son shouldn't keep having his daddy walk in and out of his life......There are no easy answers here.

Cbroad321<BR> Your right there is no easy answers but from where i stand i would say take it real slow and i mean real slow, I thought through all the counseling we were doing great, but maybe its being in the midst of wanting to get back together and really enjoying each others company, I dont know but please take it real slow and make sure if you have any doubts, keep searching for the answers because usually there is a reason for doubts, so just make sure for yourself and nobody else because you also have to live that life. My H makes it so hard because i say he has alot of anger which he does, but when he wants to try to apologize he can be a real charmer and that is very hard because i do love him i just hate this way we are living. Take Care CC

Scarlie,<BR> We went through everything in counseling on our first marriage, In counseling i was able to tell him how i felt the first time around because with the counselor there he pretty much had to listen but then he would understand too, but are we gonna have to go to a counselor each time i just want him to hear me or try to understand what i am saying, When we were first getting back together he tried very hard to listen or acted like he did, and we would have different oppinions but we knw that was ok. We were taught we dont always have to agree on the same subject or its ok to have a different oppinion, my sister had told me that she thinks he has changed since we remarried and she thinks that it was a male ego thing for him to do everything he could to get me back just to say ha ha i got her back and that really scares me because if its even half true, it is so wrong of him. What does IMO stand for<BR>Thanks again CC

Yesterday after I wrote back to everybody, I sat down and balled for hrs. And then I just kind of got this kick in the butt, I cant go on like this so here are some of the things i have decided to do, I have to make myself happy and make sure that i am there for my son always and i cant solve all my H problems, So I am gonna start by going back to church, which we were doing for awhile and then for some reason stopped (prob. all the fighting, because it usually started on the weekend and would last forever, I am gonna live everyday likes its a new day and try to be happy even though it hurts when we are not talking, but that seems to be an everyday thing now anyways, so i guess im just gonna go on and maybe when he sees that he isnt hurting me so much maybe he will want to be with me more in the right way instead of finding things to fight with me about. I guess i've just decided that i cant make him happy he has to do that for himself first and i am gonna do the same for me. I hope this doesnt sound selfish because that is not the way i want to sound or be. I just want to be happy, my son is growing so fast and i feel we are missing so much because of each other that i am going to focus more on my son and what he needs from me. Thanks everybody CC

Sounds like a good start to me. I believe that's how happiness works. No one can take responsability for another's happiness, and no one can find happiness other than from within themselves.

That's very admirable that you are going to try to totally change your attitude and make the best of a very difficult and painful situation.<P>You're right when you say that you can't "make" someone happy; they must do that for themselves, and the happiness comes from within. Nor are you responsible for your H's happiness.<P>Your son and you are the most important people right now, since your husband is only thinking about himself, and not your feelings. He should be putting you above him...that is what love is all about. But I do realize that there have been hurtful things that have happened in your past with him that have lead him to be this way (in part). The other part comes from some unresolved issues he obviously has from inside himself.<P>NO, you shouldn't have to seek counselling every time you have an argument. That would be ridiculous! <P>HE needs to learn how to better cope w/ arguing, or you'll never get anywhere.<P>I hope that you don't attack and criticize him. <P>It seems to me like he might not respect you in the way that he should. (Yelling at you and blaming you for everything shows that.)<P>Let him work out his problems on his own. Don't fall prey to his tactics. Try to be happy like you are, and things might not look as bad.<P>I think we all have "ego's", but that's not the only reason he re-married you. If it were the ego, all he would need from you is your consent to be married, and then he could walk out on you at your most vulnerable and trusting point.<P>Anyway, good luck! And keep trying to shine!<P>S.

I wish I were as strong as you, good luck and please keep us informed on how it goes. Especially if you learn any new techniques to stop obsessing on the men and get on with our lives.