Hi friends,<P>It seems like forever since I posted on my own. I think the last time was about last May. I appologize to those of my friends who've emails I haven't responded to lately.<P>Here is a quick update on why I posted last. After my WS husband left on Xmas, served me D papers on Valentine's Day, Played mind games for a year, and ultimately we were divorced within a day of our wedding anniversary, I suppose I should have learned my lesson, but I didn't.<P>I read a lot of books, talked to a lot of people and thought I was ready to get involved with someone. An even bigger mistake...getting involved with someone who "understood" how I felt. When we met, it was innocent enough. Total accident. No plans of a future. We were both to be divorced within weeks,...all papers had been signed or were about to be signed. So I got in this relationship.<P>He treated me in a way I hadn't really experienced to this depth before. He was very giving, very concerned about all my needs and conversation, open and honest relationships, etc. The first 7 months were like something out of a Harlequinn novel. Now I know why I only read that stuff in books and it NEVER happens to the people around me.<P>Fast Forward to my last post. My perfect boyfriend, who I was so thankful to have, wound up cheating on me. With his stbxW who I HONESTLY would not have been involved with had I known that the D would never materialize while we were together. It was a nightmare. She was sleeping with his own brother long before I came along, and continued after I came along, and during our perfect 7 months. <P>The brother dumped her because my bf set him up someone and they wound up dating. BF"S stbxW basically did what she had to do to break us up because her relationship ended with the brother.<P>It was cruel and sick, and the pain I saw in my BF's eyes was horrible. I was so concerned with his pain, I forgot to take care of my own. <P>I felt I understood where he was coming from (again) and that I knew enough about affairs that it was inevitable that this would have happened. Technically they were still married, however as I stressed before, I had NEVER intended to get involved in that way, she stalled the D when she found out about me.<P>So, I stayed. That was my last post in May. I stayed to try to save the relationship. We ended up going away for a week, with BF's kids. I took this as a huge sign of faith on his part that he was going to put his effort back into the relationship. <P>Within weeks he was distant again. We dated a year. Then we broke up. I look back and I can tell you some things now that I didn't know then. <P>For one thing, it was very wrong that our kids never met. He played this off as wanting to "protect the kids", but this really was a commitment avoidance tactic.<P>I learned that getting involved with someone who was cheated on too soon after they were betrayed, they can mistake their neediness for stronger feelings of love and they jump right into a relationship out of "safety and needs to be acceptance", NOT because they are ready. In other words...REBOUND!<P>I learned that I can love someone as hard as I want and it will never be good enough or strong enough to make them love me back, that has to come from them.<P>If I could turn back time, I would have waited at least 2 years to date after my break up with my husband. I would have been lonely but I would have saved myself a lot of pain.<P>Now since me and bf broke up, he made it out to be that he "wasn't ready" for the commitment that we shared. Which in reality, we only dated each other , so what really was the big deal. I recently found out he had been on a few dates shortly after we broke up and to me, I took this as an insult. Here he was pretending to be my friend, pretending this was all over the need to "hang with the guys", yet, he had no problem dating again? And I found out because I asked him straight out, not because I snooped.<P>His divorce will be final soon. He has not resolved his feelings of being betrayed by his ex and brother. He went on to cheat for the first time...on me...someone who never cheated and also, it feels pretty bad to be "someone's first" that they cheated on too. <P>He started drinking way too much and I don't even recognize him any more. As a matter of fact, I see A LOT of resemblences in him and my exH that I only noticed after the break up. The initial attraction ,was the sheer opposite aspect of the two of them. It is eerie to me now that they are similar, and I have mistaken one for the other on the phone a few times now.<P><BR>My exH is still engaged to OW and although he paints a picture on the outside that all is well, I get the huge feelings when he is around me, that he is not happy. As if I can feel his pain, just I had in the past when we once were connected in that way. I look at him, again, not recognizing the person he is now, and wonder how two people I loved could turn into something so different?<P>Right now, I am extremely sad and depressed over all this mess. I know I deserve so much better, but I find myself wondering...is there better? Since I've never known it, and dont' see much indication of it here, I wonder where the real "happy endings" are??<P>I also just celebrated my 29th bday, as a single divorced mom. With an 11 year relationship behind me, and another failed one year relationship which brought me almost as much pain as the end of my marriage. <P>I signed up for college. I'm going to focus on a career change and my kids. If I stay focused on that and make no commitments to anyone else in life, than no one can hurt me, right?<P>Right now, I feel so confused as to what I even want in life anymore. Part of me, still longs for my married life, and even feel compelled to ask my exH back into our life . This can not be a healthy thought. Then I think logically, I am mourning the loss of my old life, not my husband, he is long gone and totally NOT the person I once loved. So I miss being married. WHY? It fell apart from an affair? Why would I want to set myself up for THAT failure again? I can support myself financially without a man, so it's not about survival in that aspect. So why am I missing what I "can't" have right now, and why do I feel so strongly that I don't have it in me to give to anyone like I gave in the past? Like, I would love to be married, but I don't have it in me to do what it takes to "GET THERE" again? So this whole last paragraph is confusing right?? Exactly, I don't know what to think about anything anymore.<P>So that's my update. <P>To TS I saw your last comment on the DR thread..I wasn't dating someone seperate...it was the same mess from the whole last year. All I can say is I can see where you are coming from lately on many issues.<P>Hugs to my friends, Dana<P><p>[This message has been edited by DanaB (edited September 09, 2001).]

Dana, <P>I am so sorry that you are hurting all over again. I know that hurt..and pain..and it's not fun..as you know from reading my posts, I was the W/S not the betrayed by an affair..<P>Please don't give up completely on finding someone..learn now to depend on God to fill that void that you have..<BR>Is. 54 has helped me alot in that area..<P>I don't think your last paragraph was confusing..sounds very thoughtful..and logical questions to ask yourself right now..what is it that you are looking for? is it marriage?<BR>or just a friend who can be there for you that you can trust? I understand that completely...read through some of my other posts..and see if you can relate to some of the other questions that are asked..I've asked myself many times..WHATS wrong with ME?? Why don't they want to be here for me?? Am I such a horrible person that nobody can love me for me?? Am I only wanted for one thing?? they haven't been easy questions to ask..or answer..but there are answers..<P>and know that this entire year has NOT been in vain..You learned some very valuable lessons during this time...not just about yourself, but about others as well..and thats something you can take with you the rest of your life..<P>Know that you are right where God wants you to be now, so that you know that He is all you need..and that men will disappoint you..men will hurt you..men will use you..men will lie to you..but God will ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!! <BR>even when we don't feel like He does..He still does..He's just waiting on Us to come back and say God, I need you..<BR>I need to feel Your love for me..I am hurting so much right now..I need to be comforted..and He will do that..just for You...<P>Know that you are very important to all of us here..and you helped many ppl by sharing your own hurts and pains-- and being so open and honest about what you are going through..<BR>it's about being real..and being the person YOU need to be in God's eyes and not everyone elses eyes..<P>

(((((((((Dana))))))))))<P>Dana, you have come very far! Growth echos in your post, although it may not seem like it! The pain you are in right now are more growing pains dear. <P>You had a year investment with this man but not a lifetime of misery. You saw the flags and worked around and through many. You've "find tuned" yourself, really, you have! <P>Glad to see, you've signed up for college too!<P>Thank you for sharing your life with us!<P>(((((HUGS)))))<P>Gayle<p>[This message has been edited by Ragamuffin (edited September 09, 2001).]

Dana, <P>My buddy, my pal, can I be honest with you? I am tired of men today. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of nice, wise, funny, good men in my life, but today I am tired of hurting over men, crying over men, and just...well you know. <P>Want to do some good, old-fashioned "girl talk"? We could do our hair, paint our nails, fix make up, eat ice cream, and talk about who's cute and who's not! Heehee. We could go to the mall and try every kind of perfume there is! We could pierce one ear with a hole at the top of our ear! You know--GIRL stuff. Let's try on bras that are way too big! Hahahaha!!!!! Let's go to Victoria's Secret and pretend our credit cards aren't maxed out!! Let's go to the store and try on GREAT clothes and tell each other our butts look good in those jeans! Then follow that up with, "Hey, have you lost weight?" <P>Okay--I vote for GIRL DAY!!!!<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Hey Dana!<P>Well, you know I can relate to your situation!!<P>I think you are on the right track. You don't need a man in your life or your x husband right now. You need time alone. You will be fine. <P>I will be thinking about you today.<P>Take care,<BR>Jen

<BR>Dana,<P>Make that (((((Dana))))) ...<P>You know it's really scary for me to read how your story ends because of the similarities we've had in the past. I know every situation is different and I shouldn't get worried.<P>I am tempted to go on and on so I am going to start a new thread because this one is about you and your pain and I don't mean to take anything away from that.<P>There is a song that doesn't apply to me now but I think of it often as if what I've got ended today, this is how I'd feel ... "I Would Have Loved You Anyway" ... it would be incredibly painful if my current relationship ended, but I would not give up one moment of the last few months for anything. I needed this. It has made me who I am now. I wouldn't be ME if I had not spent the past few months with this man. Does that make sense?<P>I miss the 'comfort' of having someone come home to me every night, I sure don't miss being HIS wife but it was so much easier to be married than it is to 'date' ... I feel so vulnerable at times. <P>Your post makes perfect sense to me.<P>Keep in touch.<BR>T-L-C

Dana.<P>Well I think you need to give yourself some time to regroup. Get into to yourself become your own best friend. Try and understand what made you get into another relationship so fast. That’s important, it was doomed from the beginning, I think you knew that.<BR>I am in the middle of a divorce and have three beautiful children and will get custody. My wife is on her second affair and is leaving nothing but destruction in her wake.<BR>But I have come to terms with her and have let go. Why go back there, so it can happen again? No not I. I feel great and love the fact that it will now be about my kids and myself. You must do the same. Grow strong Dana, the better you become the better your life will end up.<BR>If you were near by I would take you for coffee and tell you, that life will be great and smile. OK, OK!<BR>

Hi friends,<P>Thank you once again for the kind and insightful replies. If there is one thing for sure, there is never a shortage of caring and thoughtful people here at MB.<P>I feel a little better since the past few days I wrote this. I feel numb, but at least its less painful.<P>Strange thing, ex bf is still calling me. He called today. <P>I can't imagine why he would still call me now. It makes no sense, yet it confuses me at times, angers me at others. All I think of, is that I am fulfilling one of his needs according to a harley principle, or he just wants to remain friends.<P>Is it possible to remain friends? Is it healthy to me? These are my main questions I am trying to tackle today.<P>Hugs, Dana<BR>PS Prayers go out to everyone today after the horrible events, it made me feel like my problems were so small compared to what's going on just a few hours away from me.

Dana,<P>Well, thanks you're right, reading your story does help. Well to an extent. It's funny because I am thinking the lesson I learned probably wasn't lesson I should be learning. When my divorce is final my thoughts are now, "Don't date anyone that has not been divorced for @ least two years!!!" hehe! OK, OK, I know I shouldn't date for two years myself, but I know me too well. Instead I will wait until the divorce is final and I will start dating soon after that. I am sure I will be back on here when my heart gets broken and I will feel beaten and I will also feel sad that I didn't take your advice and you will be here and you will say "Anna, just popped in to see how the old crowd was doing and if anyone I knew was still on. I want you to read my latest "happy ending" update I wrote several months ok. I think this will really help you to know there can be happy endings. I want you to know that sometimes you got to try on a whole lot of dresses just to find one that fits just perfect!" Then I will read your story and tears of joy for you will flow and I will think "ok there is hope."<P>Oh yea btw, on the second part of your response where you say he calls you. Although I think he's a loser and you deserve better I wonder which would be worse...If they call and let you know they did care a little or if they totally break off all contact and never call again, I would think that would leave you wonderin' if they ever think of you and also that they didn't care. Anyway, he's a slimeball and just feel blessed and think someone out there was looking out for you by not letting you marry Mr. Slimeball #2.<P>Take care,<BR>ANNA<P><BR>

Dana,<P>I'm so sorry that you went through this again. That is what I am afraid of is getting hurt again. I'm tired of being alone but who wants to feel that pain again. I think I could really fall fast right now. I think that after a person is treated so bad by their spouse you really have this need to be loved by someone to be validated. I'm afraid of confusing love with this desire. I have been seeing this man the past few weeks and feel that I started to fall to hard to fast so I have kind of cooled it a little. <P>I'm glad you are doing things for yourself. Yea, it's lonely but I don't think I myself will ever truely be happy until I can find my own happiness.<P>"HUGS"<P>Jill<P>------------------<BR>live for today for there may not be a tomorrow

Dana,<P>Yes, I think that you met an important need for him..<BR>one that he will find hard to let go of..<P>Okay you say he went back to his wife, but also remember<BR>SHE betrayed him..big time..with a family member..<BR>You know this man..we don't, will he be able to get past that betrayal? Will he be able to truly forgive her<BR>and his brother and move forward to save his marriage?<P><BR>How has he changed over the past year that You've known<BR>him? How has she changed?? these are things that he will<BR>notice right away..he may find that yes, okay he still<BR>cares about her, but he can't trust her again..and he may have realized in the past year just what was missing in his own life..<P>So some questions to ask yourself..did he really betray you?<BR>I mean yes you were dating..but, you aren't married to him..<BR>he was still married to someone else..Yes, you were there for him as a friend and possible lover, (I don't know, and it's not my business) just as he was there as a friend for you..so as a friend, for him to go back to his wife and try and make his marriage work ONE LAST TIME...can you hate him?? Wouldn't you have loved to have been given that chance? And look at this also...if it doesn't work out between them, he will be able to say he did every thing he could do to try and make his marriage work..and thats respectable..<P>okay..he dated other people..so what?? do you have a committment from him that says "he can't and that you can't<BR>date other people? (sounds more like an engagement or marriage) than a 'dating' relationship...so how is that a betrayal? He wasn't ready for a "committment", thats okay--at least thats honesty.. ask yourself, were you really looking to jump into another marriage right away? I don't think so..I think you just wanted to know that someone is there to do things with..and he was there..<P>But, ask yourself, do you really care about this man?<BR>if so then if his marriage doesn't work out after he's tried one last time, would you still be his friend?? I think if you care that much about him...you'll remain friends even past this, yes, it will be difficult and the relationship<BR>will change on some levels..but..sometimes thats a good thing..because you'll know that you can work through some tough painful issues..and if he comes back, then you can set some guidelines to the relationship..what you expect, what you don't expect..and go from there..you can even sit down with him and go over some of the emotional needs questionairres, and discuss the principles of this site..<BR>and see how it goes..yes, it's broken a trust...but if he's worth anything..he'll show you respect..<P>Now, while he's working on his marriage..tell him...do not call me, do not come over, do not e-mail me, do not have any contact with me at all, work on your marriage, and tell him that right now it hurts you to much to talk to him, but that you want him to be happy and if he can make his marriage work, and find that happiness with her, then he needs to do that...but if/when he gets divorced, then if he would like to call you and see if you'd like to go out and your not in another relationship, then okay we can see about going out then...but for now...force him into the NO Contact..not just for him and his marriage, but also for you..so that you can<BR>have some time to heal..<P><BR>

How horrible. Hang in there and you’ll be OK. I think college is a good idea. It sounds like you got married when you were young and maybe going to school will help return something that’s missing. Good Luck.

((((((((((hi friends))))))))))))<P>Anna- thank you for the kind reply. I want to tell you something, if you can be that honest about yourself, you are a great person!! So if you can't wait 2 years (its not the law anyway!!), then your choice..make sure they are divorced two years...is the next best thing you can do to protect yourself just a little from broken hearts, psycho ex's, and such. And you better come back with your happy ending! <P>Jill - I was wondering how you were doing. I think your correct, when we are lonely, we're vulnerable and fall fast. Probably why so many of us dated too soon to begin with..that validation thing.<P>TR- I must have worded something wrong. Ex bf didn't go back to his wife, he just cheated on me with her. I could look at it a bunch of ways. I looked at it like you said..was it really a betrayal so I forgave. HOWEVER, he is the one who asked me for a sole commitment, stressed faithfullness as he was cheated on in the past (just never knew by who) and I was faithful to him regardless. I think when you date someone exclusive and were as close as we were, married or not, it was a betrayal regardless. He didn't go back to her, she has offered many times since, and he is not going, matter of fact he signed a lease for a year and has a room mate (male) and said he'll never go back. He followed thru on the divorce and all, its just the point that it wasn't done when we met. Had I knew it would be so long til it was done, I'd have said..call me when its done. But thinking it would be a matter of weeks, it wasn't thought out like that. Also, I gave him a lot of credit for considering saving the marriage. Even TS pointed out her view that made him possible good marriage material and I was really surprised she said that, but I did see it that way too. <P>TR I also want you to know that it's people who have also been the WS that come out and share what its like, that give me the strength and hope when I was dealing with that betrayal. I realize that people are human and we all are going to make mistakes, or deal with things a little different. But for how much you've shared, many times I have forgiven my exH and even ex bf from what I learned here. I'm so glad that you have been so open about things.<P>Weak male - I've been reading some of your posts. You're gonna make it someday. We'll be here to help you, but you really need to create a new name. That alone will bring you some comfort. When I first came here, my screen name was lonelymom. If your ever bored, you can read my posts and see how sad and lonely I was. People would write to me and tell me my name alone made them sad. One day, I was ready, and I changed it. You are not weak. Affairs make us all weak at times no matter what side we come from on it. But you are going to gain a strength from this experience that will make you stronger than you imagined. My favorite two names here are Positive Bryan and A Blessed Samantha (which I haven't seen in a long time). Those names are the ones that bring smiles!! <P>Hugs to all my friends, and extra prayers right now for peace, safety and love,<BR>Dana<BR>

PS Someone asked would I stay friends with him,etc. We are friends still. I don't know how to define that friendship yet, its too soon. I told him I would be here for him if he needed something. I told him that from the day he admitted he cheated. I told him I would be his friend always, but I do believe that someday, we'd grow apart. <P>When I see him he gives me a hug. I don't think this is a good thing. He calls me a few times a week, I never call him, matter of fact, I hardly called during the relationship, I felt like if he wanted to talk to me, he knew where I was, and he was very put off by smothering women. I was not going to give him an excuse to label me like that!<P>I have no reason to be mad that he dates, just being honest... I was mad! , and lastly he still reminds me of my ex lately and that kind of turns me off!! <P>Hugs

Dana,<P>Something you may need to hear...and then maybe not..but even as friends..if his hugging you bothers you..then tell<BR>him "don't do it" !!!<P>That was something that I found hard to say..Don't do that..<BR>it bothers me..but some wise person (OM actually) told me something that really helped me..something I guess I never looked at having come from the back ground I did..nobody had ever told me it was okay for me to tell others NO, DON'T TOUCH ME!!! I tell my kids to say No, not just to drugs, and drinking but to inappropriate touch..and OM told me -- I also have the right to tell ppl NOT to touch me or hug me if I don't want them to..to me it was like a light bulb had come on inside of my head..and I was let in on some big secret that every one else in the world knew but me..that I literally cried..and realized that my feelings were just as important as anyone elses..and that my body was mine and not every man around's to treat as if it's something to be owned..<P>So just in case you've forgotten that..You still have the right to tell him not to touch you..(and yes, I know that it's hard to do knowing how much you cared about him, but those are the one's who end up abusing you even more emotionally) they tend to play on your feelings..thats why you need to tell him to stay away at least for awhile..and<BR>then maybe later..you can work on being friends..after you've healed some...but right now, even though you'd like to be there for him even as a friend you need to tell him to go away, and date these other women..and to leave you out of the games..and if he ever had any real feelings for you..he'd respect you on that..<BR>

{{{{{{{{{{{<B>Dana</B>}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Sorry about this stuff... you seem to be detaching from it okay. TR has a beat on this and is giving you good advice.<P><B>CJ</B> You state: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Want to do some good, old-fashioned "girl talk"? We could do our hair, paint our nails, fix make up, eat ice cream, and talk about who's cute and who's not! Heehee. We could go to the mall and try every kind of perfume there is! We could pierce one ear with a hole at the top of our ear! You know--GIRL stuff. Let's try on bras that are way too big! Hahahaha!!!!! Let's go to Victoria's Secret and pretend our credit cards aren't maxed out!! Let's go to the store and try on GREAT clothes and tell each other our butts look good in those jeans! Then follow that up with, "Hey, have you lost weight?" <P>Okay--I vote for GIRL DAY!!!!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm with you... can I come too?<P><BR><P>------------------<BR><I>"You will deceive yourself into believing that if people, circumstances, and events had been different, your pain would not exist...Your pain is the concrete way in which you participate in the pain of humanity."</I> <BR>~ Henri Nouwen ~

"I also just celebrated my 29th bday, as a single divorced mom. With an 11 year relationship behind me, and another failed one year relationship which brought me almost as much pain as the end of my marriage. <P>Right now, I feel so confused as to what I even want in life anymore. Part of me, still longs for my married life, and even feel compelled to ask my exH back into our life . This can not be a healthy thought. Then I think logically, I am mourning the loss of my old life, not my husband, he is long gone and totally NOT the person I once loved. So I miss being married. WHY? It fell apart from an affair? Why would I want to set myself up for THAT failure again? I can support myself financially without a man, so it's not about survival in that aspect. So why am I missing what I "can't" have right now, and why do I feel so strongly that I don't have it in me to give to anyone like I gave in the past? Like, I would love to be married, but I don't have it in me to do what it takes to "GET THERE" again? So this whole last paragraph is confusing right?? Exactly, I don't know what to think about anything anymore."<P>Dana<P>Ninatoo pointed me to your post.<P>Oh my I cried to read your thoughts. I feel so much like your last paragraph! Those could have been my words. It helps to know that I am not a lone in the way that I feel.<BR>I am 28 and was with my H for 9 years, married 7. See the similarities not only in the feelings...<P>I know people say wait 2 years, but I don't think I'm willing to 'waste' 2 years of my life sitting around. I love men and I love being in a relationship. I also know I don't want a relationship like I had with my STBX. I think I'd be more aware of danger signs. I think you took a chance on love and this could have happened even if you had waited 2 years. So if we know the risk we are taking maybe we can prepare ourselves in that way? I hope that the next man you meet will be the man destined to be your soul mate forever.<P>Pantha

DanaB,<P>"To TS I saw your last comment on the DR thread..I wasn't dating someone seperate...it was the same mess from the whole last year. All I can say is I can see where you are coming from lately on many issues."<P>Oh dear. I'm so sorry that you've been through this. The whole time I was trying to warn you, I honestly hoped I was wrong. I really hoped it would be different for you. <P>You sound much stronger these days though. The first step is identifying what we need to work on, and you're making that step now. Don't beat yourself up too much. At least you know now what you DON'T want, huh? Take care.<P>

"Even TS pointed out her view that made him possible good marriage material and I was really surprised she said that, but I did see it that way too. "<P>Maybe a LONG, LONG time from now. I said that when I thought that his sleeping with her was him trying to work on the marriage. He did tell you what he did, so that was a bonus in his favor too. But here's the kicker....Total honesty without responsibility is worthless. Yea, he was honest. So what? Has he changed his behavior? NOOOOO! He's still weak and clingy. He knows he messed up with you--I guess you were disposable. Or not quite disposable. He still wants emotional support from you. <P>Honey, drop kick this loser. He's a parasite. Sorry. He's sucking valuable time and energy out of your life. Not worth it. cianara. Adios. Hasta la Vista!!!<P>He had you to crash-land on, now he wants your emotional support while he plays the field. <P>Here's another tidbit...if you want good guy friends, don't sleep with them. There are some people who can be friends with ex's. Ok, maybe after they are apart for a long, long time. This sounds too fresh. Besides, you got better things to do. I don't get the impression he's adding too much to your life at the moment except bad memories. There are too many nice guys out there you could be having some nice platonic fun with. Trust me.<P><BR>

((((((Pantha)))))))<P>I'm glad Nina pointed you to my thread. I read one of your's last night and didn't have the energy to reply. I am so sad lately.<P>This life just seems to get harder and harder. No amount of preperation will truly prepare us for the pain we feel when we are betrayed, but we can at least learn to make healthy choices about the people we date. In my case, I won't date anyone recently divorced...forget it!!<P>TS- That is a great point...Total honesty without responsibility..that sums him up perfectly. Just like he never has truly "appologized" for it. Sometime ago, I read something in a Harley book that said don't expect the betrayer to appologize, they may not do that but you can still recover. Well, I thought in this situation, at least an appology would come. Wrong again. <P>I learned something new this weekend. OK, well I made a huge mistake and went with him to a wedding. I figured it was as friends, however, by his actions, made it more like a date. (affectionate, hugging, etc). Either way I won't get into details except to say that I didn't truly "expect" him to want to be together again, but instead I found out thru some different avenues that he is in fact seeing someone and pretty much he "doesn't know what he wants". I take this statement to mean "who" he wants. This is not about him losing it from his divorce and going a little goofy, this is about, he must have cheated...or came close enough and at least broke up with me, but still the fact is, he was having inappropriate friends while we were together. <P>I am in a way, now not surprised. How do I know for real if he never cheated on his W? Who really knows what to believe. All I know is if he writes a dating resume, and someone contacts me...they're getting an earful!<P>I say that jokingly, but I am very hurt. I was completely honest and open with him about my past and how badly my ex betrayed me. I asked every step of the way if he was comfortable with where we were at. I honestly don't think I called him more than once a month. I left it in his hands so I wouldn't have pushed.<P>Well, its over now. I can't ever even think of being with someone who betrayed me twice! The thing with the stbx w, I figured it was inevitable because he kept way too close as friends with her up til then. But if I find that this recent thing I suspect is who I think it is...then that proves it..he's definetly been less than honest lately.<P>Thank you to everyone for writing back. I am reading all your posts and trying to respond to what I can. I'm just so sad right now. I hate the way I feel. I feel lonely, sad and insecure. I don't feel like I am a good judge of character at all.<P>Oh, one last thing TS, I agree totally about the male friends. I have a few close male friends, and I do get along so much better with them. I see a different side to guys when you are only friends, than when they are in a relationship. The thing is...its hard to "not" cross that line.<P>Hugs to everyone, <BR>Dana<BR>