I am an incest survivor. I generally don't enjoy sex and have an aversion to having anything inserted into my vagina. Sometimes I feel "dirty" and ashamed even to think about sex. Sometimes I get aroused but do not want to have sex with my husband and would rather masturbate. Sometimes sex hurts, but mostly it's just unsatisfying. I can orgasm from oral stimulation, but I don't enjoy sex itself. I have only had 4 partners and sometimes I think I may be unsatisfied because of the way my partner and I are having sex. I have bought several books and magazines on the subject but I am usually the only one who tries to make it better. My husband is intimidated by my abuse and won't initiate sex or talk with me about sex because he is afraid to hurt me. I tell him I want him to tell me when he wants sex and to initiate sex, but he doesn't. Twice lately he has made remarks to my family/friends about us never having sex (although we do have sex 2 or 3 times a month). At one point he told me he loved me and having a great sex life was less important to him than being fulfilled emotionally. Still I feel the sex issue is coming between us.

Hi Myra,<P>I can't say that I'm a survivor of incest, but I've read a lot about it. People either go one of two ways when they are abused; they either avoid all "sex"-related notions, or they delve themselves into "sex" via prostitution, promiscuity, etc. You have obviously taken the former.<P>It seems that your husband loves you very very much to tell you that sex means nothing. Because, in fact, to most people, and even more to men, it DOES matter.<P>You should at least take comfort in knowing that your husband is there for you as a very strong support, and is very understanding, and loving. <P>This is the type of love worth fighting for!!!<P>So you should definitely look into getting yourself healed so that you can enjoy this relationship with your husband to the fullest extent possible. Don't you think?<P>So you've already spoken about it all, and he supports you...but he's gone too far the other way. Of course he's afraid...afraid that he will hurt the woman he loves...so he doesn't take any chances on initiating that hurt. He is very thoughtful to you! Be grateful that he is there for you!<P>What you need to do IMHO, is talk with him and tell him how you feel. Tell him that you want to love making love, and that you need him to help you to get there. But that he needs to be patient, and it is his love for you that is motivating you. <P>Open up the lines of communication.<P>And as for your belief that sex is wrong: it's NOT wrong. Incest is wrong. Rape is wrong. Love-making with someone you love is NOT wrong. And he so obviously loves you!<P>I would suggest that you do some meditation, receive therapy, look deep into yourself, pray...these are the things that will help you. No one else can change what you think except you. And maybe his love for you can act as the catalyst. You can enjoy love-making...but be patient, and don't push yourself. One step at a time. And it all starts in your mind.<P>Good luck, hope this helped a little. <P>

Skarlie,<P>Thanks for the reply. Your post made me re-realize what a great guy my husband is. I have only really been thinking about how this situation is affecting me, not how it is affecting him. <P>I have been to therapy for 5 or 6 years. I also went to a incest survivor's group. I feel much more comfortable with my sexuality than I used to, but I feel like I always have some childhood issue I'm dealing with. As soon as a resolve one, another comes in to take it's place. I haven't remembered all of the abuse and I think that makes it hard to deal with my feelings and triggers completely.<P>I was very inspired by your reply. I think I need to continue to communicate with my husband how I feel and I know things will improve if we deal with the situation together. Even though I'm the survivor, my pain affects us both.<P>Thank you.

Carol,<P>Thank you for posting. I was abused by my mother among other people from age 2. Until about a year ago she was still a part of my life and I agree that relationship affected me negatively, even though the abuse had stopped. No one in my family really believes me (even though my Mother has MPD, Multiple Personality Disorder). One of my sisters won't even speak to me anymore. She wouldn't even talk with me about why, she just said "I don't want to talk to you about it, and I don't want you to call me again." Even though I cut off contact with my Mother, I still felt uncomfortable. Recently she moved to another state. Since she moved I feel such freedom. I'm not afraid I'll run into her and because she's not around people (family) aren't always telling me stuff about her. I did tell her what I remembered, but she denies it. I was also molested other people who are no longer in my life. I did not have an opportunity to confront those people. I don't even know where they are today. <P>I do think I will heal with time and my life continues to improve. It's funny because sometimes (rarely) I have a healthy attitude towards sex, but other times I feel dirty and ashamed. When I feel dirty, I feel like I am a little girl again. What I want most at those times is a teddy bear and a hug. Sometimes I am aroused but I don't want sex with my husband. I feel fear, but I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. <P>I know I should go to therapy again and maybe participate in a group, but it is so exahsting. Because my husband and I are newlyweds, I am hestitant to take on another difficult journey through my emotions. Although therapy is healing, the strain on my mind, body and pocketbook is huge. It helps to be able to come to this site and read and post about marriage. I feel this site helps me keep my perspective.<P>I really appreciate your reply, Carol. I wish you the best and hope we can both find a way to heal.<P>"Me and a gun, and a man on my back, but I haven't seen Barbados so I must get out of this." Me and a Gun, Tori Amos- survivor and founder of RAINN, the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network<p>[This message has been edited by Myra (edited June 21, 1999).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I know I should go to therapy again and maybe participate in a group, but it is so exahsting. Because my husband and I are newlyweds, I am hestitant to take on another difficult journey through my emotions. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You have no choice, dear. Yes, therapy is exhausting. If it's not exhausting it's not working. You have a lot of healing to do, and it sounds like your guy is understanding. USE THAT. Talk to him about your therapy. See if your therapist will talk to him about what you're going through. If you take this journey through this minefield TOGETHER with your therapist/guide, you'll have a stronger marriage as a result.<P>But you have to WANT to heal first...

Dazed and Confused,<P>I know I will need to go back to therapy, I just don't feel like it's the right thing for me to do NOW. I have been to Ala-non, a group for survivors of incest, individual therapy and family therapy with my Mom and sisters. If you combine all the work I have done in therapy it would be more than 7 years! I have discovered many problem solving tools in therapy and in a sense I am always in therapy because I consistently use the ideas and problem solving tools I gained. I know my healing will be a life long process. I don't believe the answers will all come in a few years counseling. <P>When I was in my group I had a big breakthrough, then I began to have new issues. I complained to a friend in group that no matter how hard I work it always seems there is something else hiding. She wisely replied that the only reason I was dealing with a new issue is that I solved an old one. That's progress! <P>I do appreciate all the posts on this site, however since it is my life and my pain and my exhaustion I feel a little angry that you would just say I should just go to therapy now anyway. I feel your post is condescending. I don't appreciate being called "dear" or the comment that I have to want to heal. Of course I want to heal. Why would I be posting here if I didn't? I work every day of my life to be healthy and happy. When I come to this site, I come to have someone be sympathetic and to see other viewpoints. <P>I apologize to the other members reading because my post is in direct response to Dazed and Confused.

Glenn,<P>That poem says a lot.....it is very true on so many levels. My 2 daughters were sexually abused by their paternal grandfather, and it did not come out until their college years. This trauma, that is such a part of their souls, will have to be worked through for the rest of their lives. There are so many stumbling blocks along the way.........I feel for anyone who has had to go through this kind of destructive experience! They have been in therapy, and will most likely have to reamin for years and years. But that is fine, as long as they find a way to thrive and try to move through it all. Good luck to all of you dealing with this seriously dificult issue.

my w was molested by her step f. she never got over it either. it did have a serious effect on her outlook on sex. she told me she never had an orgasm with her first husband and i suspect her molestation had a lot to do with that. like someone above said, what hurt most was her familys' refusal or inablity to acknowledge it after she has told them about it so many times.. her mother tells her she should just get over it and denies she know about it. still, no one believes it ever happened. she wrote a letter to all her family explaining how she felt about their lack of trust in her and their failure to acknowledge the molestation and it seemed to have only made things worse. the family has called for piece and everyone gets along but she still carries the pain. my w recently went to a family functon, a graduation and the step f was there. my w told me he is so old now he donesn't seem to be the same man. the man that molested her is gone. now she sees just an old man. just thought i share from a h's perspective. i'd be willing to bet what ever we know about incest and molestation is only the tip of the iceburg.

Glen,<P>Thank you so much for posting your wonderful poem. I appreciate your comments about dazed and confused. You're right, I don't think any harm was intended. I just get frustrated sometimes when people try to make judgements about how I should deal with my past. I know dealing with incest is different for each survivor. <P>I am glad to see that people are still reading my topic. I find attitude towords sex changing. Last week I wanted to have sex with my husband. Over the weekend I didn't. I just felt like it was a hassle. Sometimes sex is pleasurable, but sometimes it's frustrating because my H almost makes me feel good, but not quite. It's like in order for him to orgasm, he needs to pump really fast and hard. For me that is boring and after a few minutes I can hardly feel anything anymore. Last time we had sex I asked him to vary his speed a little, but then it (sex) when on for much longer than usual but without a climax for me. It almost seems better to have him just pump away then it's over quicker than to have him vary speed and then I'm frustrated because I almost climax, but not quite. <P>I don't know if I have trouble enjoying sex because of the abuse or because it's just not good sex. I had good sex w/ my H when we first started dating but at that point I hadn't been with anyone for over 16 mos. and I was really aroused all the time.<P>When we try oral sex I hurt my jaw because I have TMJ and if he gives me oral sex I rarely get a climax because my clitoris gets too sensitive. <P>Does anyone have any suggestions or comments on my situation? Am I the only person keeping me from enjoying a healthy sexual relationship w/ my H or are we doing something wrong?<P>Thanks for all your support.<P>"These precious things, let them break, let them wash away, let them break their hold on me." Tori Amos, Precious Things

myra, looks to me like you two have some of the most important pieces of the sex puzzel in place. i think all you need to do is practice. it may help if you look at the sex act as if it were a dance. with that analagy, you can see how you both want to do well but you have to get to know how each of you move together. i think that's why sex the first time, with any two people, is not very good. let me suggest this. you should start masturbating a little while before he gets started. that will be exciting to you and him. continue to masturbate while he,s doing his thing, (pumping, as you call it and i can't think of a safer term). you may want to try doing it while you are on top and use the masturbation thing while there too. i think you and your h will find this method especially exciting in the doggy position because he'll sometimes feel your fingers moving around. my first wife did it like that and i liked it a lot. as far as you being too sensitive for oral sex, maybe your h is being too rough. i know from personnal experience some women are too sensitive for oral sex just after having an orgasm but not before then. good luck and let us know how it goes.