We got a phone call from H. He had phoned yesterday, and left a voice message, but I didn't get it until today. Straight after I listened to it he called.<P>Very demure voice, had the mask on big time. He asked how I was, I said, well...okay, how are you. He said he was a bit sad seeing us all off like that, but oh well...<P>He asked to speak to the kids, but my son would NOT talk to him. I asked why, he said because dad has divorced me (not true yet, I told him so) and that he isn't his dad anymore.<P>I went back to the phone and told h son didn't want to talk to him. He said why, and I said he is very upset about things. H said to get him just for a minute. I said, well he's a big guy and I don't think I would be able to drag him to the phone. He sounded sad about that, but said okay and he'd ring later in the week...again no specifics.<P><BR>I'm sick to my stomach...<BR>

And his sister called me too, to see how I was. She told me she has spokine to him on Saturday and he sounded good...his mother said the same thing, in fact, like the old son and brother they know. This has broken me. He is happy we left?<P>I am thinking I made a huge mistake coming home.

I believe everything is for a reason and you did exactaly what you were suppose to be doing, don't second quess things, I believe everything is part of a higher plan. I Think in time he will completely come out of the fog or he wouldn't be making contact with you asking how you are and things, don't push him just let this run its course and let him be the one making contact, don't push the kids either let them deal with this the way they have to and be there to support them and reassure that he loves them. I think from your last few post he is on the verge of waking up.<P>

Oh Jabber, I wish that were true...but I don't know cos of the mixed messages. I won't contact him, don't worry. I WANT to badly, but I know I can't push. Thanks for keeping tabs....you're always first up in the morning over there!!!<P>Jacky

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR><B><P>I am thinking I made a huge mistake coming home.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Jacky,<P>You didn't make a mistake going home. Get that okay. I won't have time for a few days to write what I need to explain. Have major project for a class due tomorrow & company coming Wed & I still have boxes stilling around. <P>But I almost left & then chose to stick out, major mistake. Granted I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we couldn't work things out but STBX didn't get a chance to miss kids, all he did was miss OW, plot to see her, & how to be with her & have life with her. Short version.<P>You will always ? what you do but I really believe that you did the right thing, there is nothing worse than being an ocean away from your family & friends in living in hell.<P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR>We got a phone call from H. ... had the mask on big time. He asked how I was, I said, well...okay, how are you. He said he was a bit sad seeing us all off like that, but oh well...<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>and then:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>And his sister called me too, to see how I was. She told me she has spokine to him on Saturday and he sounded good...his mother said the same thing, in fact, like the old son and brother they know. This has broken me. He is happy we left?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No, he's got the mask on with everyone. Stay the course.<BR>

Thanks sing,<P>I know of all the people here you know what I'm feeling right now, having kind of been here yourself.<P>Unfortunately it is my nature to "what if" for nearly every decision I make. SO in some respects this is no different. I just feel that since he sounded happier to his family, he must have something to be happy about...what? Freedom to see hi s***? That we are out of his life? That he doesn't have to do anything about us now? Well he sounded the same morose self to me, should I assume that's the real him, or he just hates to talk to me?<P>THAT is what is teaing me up. You would think he would say to SOMEONE that he misses the kids, but while he did say it was sad to me, that we left, it was kind of an off-hand remark.<P>Well I suppose I feel vulnerable over here doing nothing, and not knowing what's in his head is the hardest thing I have endured.<P>Don't they call this feeling sorry for yourself....well I have tried not to be. But suddenly the reality of my situation is hitting home. I can't even take my kids to school yet because I don't have a car...and I don't feel like going shopping for one yet. I will have to though, my dad has taken time off work to help me organise a few things, and I guess that's priority number one.<P>Iam sad, mad and frustrated right now, not to mentioned totally depressed.<P> <P>Sorry for the vent (again!!!)

dabigtrain,<P>I was writing my miserable last post when you were writing to me.<P>I love your simplistic, to-the-point logic!!!<P>I'm just not logical right now, I need someone to think that way for me....THANKS.<P>Of course as soon as I read it, I realised you are right. Bill sent me a wonderful poem once about the mask.<P>Oh yes, I want to stay the course. It's so hard, though, isn't it?<P>Thank you again. Any other pearls of wisdom?

<BR>Nina,<P>Just wanted to say I am glad he called you. Sometimes we all have the right just to sit down and have a pity party. <P>I don't think the face he put on for his family was the right face. I think he is feeling bad and guilty. I hope you take one day at a time. Right now just take care of yourself and your children. <P>Just from reading some of the things you wrote I can tell you are going to come out of this just fine. You are a strong person, he's the one who is weak.<P>BTW, I enjoyed reading the topic on your dream and how persons analyzed your dream.<P>Take care!<P>ANNA<P><BR>

Isn't that funny Anna, here you are telling me how strong I am....did you look at what I wrote on YOUR post??? LOL <P>Well, we all HAVE to be strong, don't we? Otherwise we wouldn't be here trying to help ourselves. We would be curled up in a corner somewhere having a solo pity party...it's much more fun to do it in company...if it can be called fun.<P>Take care.

Nina,<P>An ESFJ least functioning attribute is THINKING!!!!!!<BR>imagine that! my ESFJ X would just fly off the handle, and then say, i really must think before i speek.<P>She used to tell me that she responded better to written stuff, and I understand, she needs time to think through as the thinking part is very, very SLOW!!!!!!<P>So i stand by my statement, you are showing him your position through actions, which he can understand and relate to, but he is having a hard time thinking through the ramifications of his behavior, and that's where he is having a tough time.<P>also, remember, distance makes the heart grow fonder, so i would suggest not returning his calls very quickly, and don't force the kids to talk, if they don't want to.<P>did someone say stay the course??<P>i feel sWIFTTy today!

Thanks sWIFTTy!!!<P>Well, I hope you're right...he has always had to have evidence of ANYTHING right in his face, does that fit???<P>I'm getting some hope back listening to you guys.<P>Thanks, because without the hope, I just wouldn't try anymore. And I DO think this IS worth saving. Or I guess I wouldn't be here.<P>Jacky<P>PS WIFTTy, I have a new email address, I will send it to you tomorrow, as well as others here who have my old one.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Any other pearls of wisdom?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Just this: the first Thursday after my wife moved out, she dropped off the kids at day care. Our provider, a crusty old bat if ever there was one, is someone who is definitely "on my side." She told me my wife was "like a kid" that day, happy and excited. <P>Four weeks later, she sounds tired and stressed- she's told me several times about being up late working on classes or not having enough time to get things done. Last night, I sent her an e-mail with some funny things our son had said on our weekend trip. She responded to it at 12:47 am; in other words, though she had the whole weekend without kid responsibilities (save for coming over Sunday night to meet us when we got back), she was still up (and I assume working) at nearly 1:00 am. <P>The first few days tell you nothing. Think long-term.<BR>

Jacky, you Aussie babe, you did what you had to do. And we all know you know that, although you may not believe it right now.<P>If I were in your H's shoes... Well, first off, i would not have made the mistake of trashing an R with such an obviously great person. That aside, If i were him, i would be very confused right now. A few days of total freedom probably does feel good to him. I know my W said she felt 'free'. This shall pass. He'll soon realize his W and kids are half a world away.<P>I would not be too available to him. If he calls, make him wait for a return call. Make him know you and you kids have your own life now, and it does go on without him.<P>Sorry for the tone of this post-i had a crappy day myself, slid way back downhill w/ W, but that's another story.....<P>Hang in there-you did and are doing the right thing.

dabigtrain and ANB3,<P>I don't know what I'd do withouy guys like you...so supportive and giving of yourselves in the face of your own problems.<P>You are both essentially saying the smae thing, give it time, and play a little hard to get.<P>ANB3, I agree with you that it will seem fun for him for a bit. He hasn't moved back into our home yet, though it's costing him money to stay elsewhere....why? Avoiding that, because it's too real....we aren't there.<P>I know, I know wait, be patient etc....I never was the world's most patient person!!!