Married, thanks. You brought up a good point. My folks felt the same way. You dont bring in the beast when your husband is trying to recover and get help. That in and of its self is sick. I think that perhaps I will look into attending al-anon. Perhaps it will benefit me. I must be honest and admit that I did drink more and create more problems and honestly, I think my wife wished I could drink responsibly. I think she always wanted to but was afraid to. Now that we are separated, she can do it, but like me, she must hit bottom all by herself. She cant blame it on me now. I have been gone for 4 months. Again, I am really seeing things more clearly now. I cannot to this day understand why my wife did all of those things knowing that it was destroying our marriage? She told me she would be there through it and that is when I started the counseling more often and started to stop the drinking. Then, when I got home, there she was twelve-pack and all. Kind of makes me wonder if she just wanted it over and this would justify her doing it. But then again, I didnt have to drink with her. That was my fault.<P>Again, thanks for your perspective. I slipped and had a couple on Friday, but I wont let that stop me. Failure is not falling down. Failure is falling down and not getting back up. I always take comfort in that quote.<BR>

Hi,<P>Your posting caught my eye because I attended several al-anon meetings. Al-alon was a great program for me. In fact if you don't go, I think you are depriving yourself of getting something very special. Also, if you aren't happy with the way one meeting is conducted and you live in a large city, just find the group that is right for you. <P>I do remember a couple of times when recovering alcoholics would come in to the meetings because his/her spouse is still drinking and so forth. I remember a couple of people telling them that basically they should be in AA not Al-Anon. Other people defended their right to be there, pointing out they are not their for their sobriety for to deal with their spouse or family member drinking. So if you have this problem. STAND YOUR GROUND, THOSE PEOPLE ARE JUST UNINFORMED. <P>Just to let you know my spouse was an alcoholic and although later it was because of religion I chose not to drink, my first reasons for choosing not to drink was to help him. I felt he had enough temptations with friends and coworkers, he didn't need me also adding to that temptation. I also refused to drink in social situations and when we were out to dinner. I felt this was a good thing for someone besides himself to not be drinking. Well, this was my decision and my choice. I think it did help. However, several al-anon friends did feel differently about this. Some did agree with me with my feelings on bringing it in the house, but a lot of them felt that if they were out socially they had every right to drink. Their argument was "Why spoil my fun, I am not the one with the drinking problem, he is." I think that is lame. <P>Well, in defense of your wife. I would like to say, I wasn't much of a drinker anyway. Not drinking was easy for me. Please remember she does have a drinking problem and she is not where you are in your recovery. Unfortunately, recovery is individual. One spouse can be miles ahead of the other spouse. When I hear you talk about the 12 pack, of course I think it's wrong, but it reminds me of a smoker that quit smoking and now all of a sudden wants his entire family and all his friends to do the same, just because he saw the light. Gee I hope that is not to critical, because I do admire you and the steps you have made to make your life better. I can be too straight forward sometimes. Well anyway, I think Al-anon will help you in so many ways. Also, I don't remember whether you said you are going to AA or not. I hope you are. If you are not going to AA, and even if you think you have a handle on it, AA is a positive thing and even though you have made such tremendous progress, you need AA more than you think. <P>Al-anon taught me to take care of me and also I hope you don't mind but I am going to share an example of how Al-anon helped me to help my husband stop drinking:<P>My husband would come home drunk and he would argue with me. He would call me names and bring up anything he could to get me to argue back. Of course, even though it did no good to argue back, I felt I had to defend myself and I did argue back. <P>The next day, we would argue too. I would argue about what he is doing to our marriage and all the bad things he said to me. He would argue that all I do is nag him and whine about our marriage and this is why he doesn't want to come home and he drinks. Al-anon taught me not to argue about this, NO MATTER WHAT. At first I said "How can i do this, how can I let him get by with calling me names and not coming home until early in the morning?" Well, that didn't sway the memebers of al-anon a bit. They stuck to their guns and basically pointed out how much I can not control him. I can only control me and my happiness. Also what he was doing was intentionally trying to fight with me, he was intentionally trying to get me argue back. He needed a reason to drink and I was giving him a great reason to drink. (As I type this I wonder if WS's does the same thing, they argue on purpose to just excuse their actions with oh well she nags me all the time and we are not happy anyway.) So, ok, I did what they said. No more arguing back. Not when he came home and not the next day. I could see at first this frustrating the hell out of him. To be honest with you, after doing this a few times and seeing I could be strong enough to resist him trying to push me into an argument, I was very proud of myself. I was also so incredibly amazed to see results right away. All of a sudden he couldn't put the blame on me as to why he had to drink and why he didn't want to come home at night. <P>After being in al-anon for awhile, I thought it was such a shame people who didn't have spouses or family members that drink couldn't come to this program. To me the positive impact al-anon had on me could be used in all kinds of situations, not just alcoholism. Sometimes I would think, if a person doesn't have someone in their life that drinks, maybe they should make one up and come anyway. Just to get this great gift that I had received from al-anon.<P>Well anyway, once again, I typed way too much. I do hope it helps.<P>ANNA<BR>

Anna, thanks for the response. It was perfect. The fact of the matter was, my wife WAS doing those things. She wouldnt argue, she would listen and go about her business. She went with me to counseling, urged me on, it was helping. I started to go to couseling more often, kept on my meds, I was making progress. I kept asking her to continue to help and that she WAS making a dent in me. I admitted voluntarily to her on several occasions that I needed help and I started to get it. I began to deal with my problems. We drank at home and sometimes, I would go out anyway. Finally, i came home, 3/4th of the way into a fifth of burbon and told her what had been bothering me for so many years. I told her of the 3 years of molestation and how much I felt dirty, my folks didnt know, no one knew and I drank to kill the pain (remember at this point I didnt know she was leaving). She always felt she was able to help me. In two months of doing just what you said, she changed my life to an extent. I actually felt I could tell someone - her! She started to ball her eyes out and yelled at me "Why didnt you tell me! I never knew it was about that". I went out. Saturday, I slept, she watched the kids. On Sunday, we talked, I cooked and I told her I wanted this stuff to end and told her I was going to do my best to get better, whatever it took. She looked at me and said "Do you love me?" I looked into her eyes and told her "Yes, I do. I always have, I always will." She said back "No, do you love me?!" I was puzzled, but I said yes. I got up Monday morning, kissed her and went to work. I came home and all of the furniture was gone...she left. So here I am, moving forward, and even with me gone she is depressed, unhappy and unwilling to do anything to work on it. Perhaps she never will. She said she doesnt believe I will ever change. Well, I know that I will and I have and I will keep on changing. I am happy, and I owe her alot, but I could understand if she was getting help, but she wont. Perhaps, she is afraid to get help because it will impact her decision. Dont know, dont really care. I will be okay without her. Why would I want to go back to that situation anyway? I am feeling better everyday. I dont NEED her. I would prefer to have her in my life, but I am responsible for my happiness, not her. Its a terrrible shame isnt it. But I can only do what I can do.<P>Thanks again<P>Anna, are you and your husband divorced/separated?

Rob,<P>Here's some thoughts on your comments.<P>[QUOTE]Originally posted by RobC:<BR> She started to ball her eyes out and yelled at me "Why didnt you tell me! I never knew it was about that". I went out. Saturday, I slept, she watched the kids. On Sunday, we talked, I cooked and I told her I wanted this stuff to end and told her I was going to do my best to get better, whatever it took. She looked at me and said "Do you love me?" I looked into her eyes and told her "Yes, I do. I always have, I always will." She said back "No, do you love me?!" I was puzzled, but I said yes. I got up Monday morning, kissed her and went to work. I came home and all of the furniture was gone...she left. <P>**Quote from ANNA:<P>I wonder why she reacted the way she did when you told her. Two thoughts on this one. <P>1. For some reason she felt betrayed and felt like you didn't love her because you never told her.<P>While I believe she shouldn't feel this way, you have to respect someone feelings about whether they feel loved or not loved and this is what it sounds like she is feeling.<P>2. She moved out. Perhaps because she doesn't feel you love her or maybe because if you think about it she too has a drinking problem. Maybe all this is just too overwhelming for her. Maybe it is making her deal with her own problems of why she drinks, her own past and maybe she is just struggling desperately trying to deal with it. It just may be too much for her right now.<P>[QUOTE]Originally posted by RobC:<P> I am happy, and I owe her alot,<P>**Response from ANNA: <BR>Ok, so she helped you get through this major problem in your life and now you are to the point of handling it on your own. That is wonderful by the way, but now it's your turn to help her through her crisis. I know there is very little you can do until she wants the help, but you can be understanding, kind, and there for her when she does call. I think some day you will take on her role and she will take on your role. Just be sure to be as patient, kind and understanding when this happens.<P>[QUOTE]Originally posted by RobC:<BR>but I could understand if she was getting help, but she wont. <P>**MY Response:<P>I can't really relate here. So she's not to where you are with getting help and it does sound like she's getting worse. You sound to critical to me. Like you said she may hit rock bottom. hmmm, well I am sure I am taking your statement all wrong. I just think you had said earlier you contributed to alot of your marital problems. I think you need to be more understanding now than ever.<P>[QUOTE]Originally posted by RobC:<BR>Perhaps, she is afraid to get help because it will impact her decision. <BR>**My response:<P>I think you are probably right here.<P>[QUOTE]Originally posted by RobC:<P> Dont know, dont really care. I will be okay without her.<P>**My response:<BR>Well, you say that you don't care and I do know you are right about one thing here, you will be just fine without her. However, I think you do still care deeply. I think you should care, but you have a really good handle on it because you know you can't be the one that changes her. Which you already know that.<P>[QUOTE]Originally posted by RobC:<BR> Why would I want to go back to that situation anyway? <BR>**My response:<P>Of course you don't wanna go back to that situation and you should never go back to that situation. However, I do know you want to try to make it work, as long as she and you can both do a total change in your marriage.<P>[QUOTE]Originally posted by RobC:<BR>I am feeling better everyday. <P>**MY RESPONSE:<BR>I know what you mean. So do I. I have my days but they are getting fewer and fewer.<P>Hey, I really hope you let me know if you start al-anon and just keep me posted.<P>Oh btw on your question regarding my situation. I should be divorced in about 30 days or so.<P>One more thing. If you have the opportunity read BCJ001 Topic: input needed.... please, especially his follow up comments on September 9, 2001. I may be wrong but I think some where down the road, his comments may help you.<P>Take care and good luck!<P><BR>ANNA<BR> <P>

BTW I just responded to BCJ's last comment to me. This will help you find the posting easily.<BR>Anna