Oh boy, yep just a matter of a few days/weeks ago I posted here telling you all how my wife and I were on the fast track to recovery. How I gave up my career and we were relocating for a "new" start. Well I got word from her lastnight that she's not coming with us (my son and I). She has decided that her relationship with God is more important than her relationship with me...and our son! Sorry, but that just floors me. I can understand needing a relationship with God and all but to put one over the other? Does anyone else here feel like I do when I say that I think you should be able to do both at the same time? I'm sure God doesn't expect you to choose one or the other.<P>So that's where it's at today, I'm sure it'll all change yet again...

Sounds like a psycho to me! Sounds like theres more to it then the god thing. Pray she stays away, you may be better off. God should never get into the way of a husband and wife. Just one mans thoughts!!

A relationship with God is the foundation of a marriage. Yes, God should be put first. You should also take the responsibility of your family. When vows are taken, they should be taken seriously.<P>I am not a devout religious person. I do believe in God, and I do pray to Him frequently. I believe that God has a purpose for everyone and perhaps the purpose for your wife was not the path she chose with you. <P>However, she took vows with you, therefore, she should stay with you. What ever happened to "Till death do us part"? Not too many people are willing to stick it out.<P>You do need to talk to your wife. What does she mean by her comments? Do you prefer not to have a relationship with God? Perhaps that could be the reason.<P>I would suggest, that if she is wanting a stronger relationship with God, she should honor her vows that she presented and agreed to in front of Him. (I am assuming that you were married in a Church.)<P>Be sure before taking drastic action (divorce), that you find out the real reason she does not want to come with you. Did she agree to this in the beginning?<P>I hope that you will find your answer.<BR>

Blues,<P>I am not religious. For me it is hard to understand why your wife would have time for God, but not for you and your son. It sounds like she is missing something in her life and feels she can only find it in God. Maybe she has needs she's not even aware of that she is desperately seeking solace in God. <P>Although I am not religious, I am a spiritual person. I think that God, whoever he/she may be, wants his children to love him, but also each other. If all people loved only God then how would the human race continue. We must love each other and create a family. We must love and nuture that family.<P>I think your wife's religious beliefs sound fanatic. I am concerned that she would take her worship to such an extreme point as to abandon her husband and child.<P>I don't know what you should do. Maybe it would help if you talk to her about her needs as well as yours. <P>I wish the best for you. Take care.

Oh boy! Where do I start?<BR>Well, I really, really need advice now.<BR>Come to find out the real reason the misses didn't want to follow our son and I to our "new" location for our "new" start. After months of reconcilling (sp?) with me thinking all was getting better between us and that she was actually over this other guy as she stated so often. I find out she had contacted him just so she could tell him we were moving away (I know, how stupid can she be?). Well he put the guilt trip on her and conviced her to meet with him....on her lunch hour.....at a local Motel! Yep, they did the nasty again but the kicker........she's now carring HIS child! How @^$@$% stupid can 2 people be? She stopped using "the pill" for some odd known reason and then they do "it" without protection? Duh!!!! So she figured that if she went her seperate way, I'd never find out until after the fact. But now she has had her "awakening" and wants to live for God and keep our family together. She wants to have the baby, put it up for adoption and then expects us to carry on like it never happened. How in the world can she expect me to deal with her having this guy's child? She has also gone religious full swing and expects me to do the same. She's giving most of our posessions to charity due to something she read in the Bible and wants me to back pedal on my resignation and get my job back. If I do get to keep my job, she also wants to thye 10% or more of my salary. Now I know that's what the Bible asks for or whatever but 10% of MY salary is more than what I'm paying for my mortgage per month. I make extremely good money and 10% is quite a bit that I feel can be put to better use elsewhere whether for my own family or not. Besides all that, I now have just received a possible job offer in the town we were planning on moving to all along but she wants me to pass on it for the fear of living near my family thus they would find out she's pregnant by this other guy. She doesn't want to face my family and would like it if they never knew. Which means we will somehow have to dodge them during the holidays cuz she'll be in full "bloom". I feel I should take the job if offered and let her deal with the humiliation she deserves as punishement. Hell what about all the humiliation I'll have to deal with also? I swear, I shouldn't have to deal with this mistake of thiers. Why in the world should I have to change my life due to what they did? So, I guess I ask the question of: should I just be the hardass here and demand that I'm relocating if the job is offered and that she'll have to deal with it or she can go her own way...or do I put my life on hold yet again, giving her yet another chance? She just called me again - the 6th time since 8:00am (it's 10:30am) telling me how she's willing to prove to me she loves me now. Ugh! It's wearing real thin.<p>[This message has been edited by Blues (edited June 24, 1999).]

My ex wife also used god, I beleive it is the guilt. However, it also gave her an excuse to keep going back to the jerk, after all, god will forgive her, right? I suggest that you stand up for yourself, stop her from selling or giving away your possessions and money...she is doing it for her the guilt she feels, not for god. Get rid of her, she made her own bed, let her sleep in it...alone! As for her god....I don't know her god, I don't want to either, it certainly isn't Christ our lord.

Boy that is quite a situation. What faith are you? Baptist, Catholic?<P>I agree that your wife is delving into religion out of guilt. God wants us to be true and honest. Neither of which your wife has been. He also wants us to forgive. But in your wife's case, I feel that she is probably turning back to you either because her "lover" doesn't want anything to do with her or she was told it was the right thing to do.<P>I am Catholic, and as far as the church goes, civil divorce is applicable in some cases. However, they do not believe that you can remarry. If you took vows in front of God, you are married to your wife until either of you dies, in the eyes of the Church and of God.<P>I cannot answer your question as far what to do, but I would tell her that your possessions are hands-off to her. If she wants to give away all her stuff, let her. <P>I would also suggest that you talk to the pastor of your church. She is trying to manipulate you in a bad way. If you want the job in the new town, I think you should take it. If you do not have an offer, stay put. You should not have to help her "hide" her pregnancy. It is her responsibility, and hers alone-that and the father of the baby. She will have to face the consequences of her actions. Someday, if she truly believes, she will be forgiven.<P>Pray for her Blues.

I meant to ask you, how is your son dealing with all of this. Perhaps he needs to talk to someone too.<P>Also, could you raise this child too? Would you ever be able to love it?<P>I hope your son can adjust to all of this. What is your wife going to tell him when she starts to show? How old is your son? At any age he will be curious.<P>

Becky, to answer your questions.......<P>I was baptisted a Roman Catholic, my wife is a Southern Baptist!!! So you can tell things don't go to easily.. Our son has no idea of whats going on. He does know that "mommy" has been lieing to "daddy" but he doesn't know what about. He's 7 and we're not sure yet how to explain it all to him. The relationship he and I have ahs always been to the point, tell the truth and deal with things. Sorta like when he goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him that the needle won't hurt a bit, well I step in and tell him it will hurt but it'll be fine soon afterwards. That kind of thing. He trusts me with everything and will come to me before his mom on certain items. It's a great relationship that we both enjoy.<BR>He knows I'll tell him the truth and in turn he tells me.<P>As far as raising the child as it was my own....no, sorry, I can't do that. Not after everything they have put me through - no way!<BR>Selfish? Yes, but damned it I deserve to be on this. I'm not even sold on the idea of adoption. I'm pretty sure when it comes time for that child to be born, the wife will not want to give it up. And what kind of life is this poor child going to have when it finds out it's adopted and it's natural parents gave it up for no reason? 18 yrs from now I can see that child knocking on our door and asking for answers.

Blues;<P>I've been "sort-of" where you are now. My wife had an affair, and got pregnant by the OM. At the time, the affair was in progress and I had recently separated from her. The pregnancy helped ruin the fantasy of the affair and gave me an opportunity to demonstrate my love for my wife.<P>That child is 6 months old now. He's a delight, and I love him completely. Even if he has none of my DNA.<P>You've got a lot of tough decisions in front of you. You can end up having a terrific marriage through all of this; you'll can end up as being a hero to your wife---but you're going to have to do it together. And it's not going to be easy for either of you. My guess is that she still may not be over the OM, and she's likely to suffer a double-whammy of withdrawal from the affair and the "my God, what have I made of my life?!?" realization from the actions of her affair. And guess what---you'll get nominated to be the strong one. You can do it if:<P>1. You still love her enough.<P>2. You can put off getting your needs "filled" for a while.<P>3. You can refrain from the obvious lovebusters that you'd like to unleash on your wife.<P>4. You and your wife agree to follow the "Policy of Joint Agreement" on everything. <P>The last bit on the POJA will be very important to you. You've been left out of everything your wife has done---you need to start making decisions together. You must find ways to negotiate a mutually enthusiastic agreement on every point you two differ on. On the relocation. On this child. On how to build a new life together. <P>It will test you. But if you can learn these skills and be successful through this time in your life---you'll always be successful. Because (God forbid) it doesn't get much tougher than this. If you're successful, you will end up with a wife who loves you very much. You'll end up with an intact family---a major motivator for me was that I didn't want to lose my other two children in a divorce. No matter how screwed up your wife may appear, it's likely that she would get physical custody of your son.<P>It's not an easy choice to make. You can have success in this situation---I'm proof of it. But it doesn't come without a price. Now that I've been "successful", that price doesn't seem all that significant. But on the day that I discovered my wife's affair, if you had told me what I'd go through, I would have never, never believed it.<P>I'll also put in a plug for Steve Harley's counseling (via phone) at Marriagebuilders. He's great, and a big reason that I was successful at getting through this.<P>Good luck Blues. If you need support, I'll be here.

Hi, it's me again.<BR>I'm having a tough day and just feel like I need to vent a bit. Found out more information. I found out that my wife didn't just out-of-the-blue contact the OM to inform him of our plans to move out of state but infact they had been in contact all along and had met up with eachother numerous times. The time they got together and made this soon to be child was to be thier last harrah. How fitting huh? Well that info just drove another nail thru my heart, she's still lieing to me. She had me to the point where I was trusting her and wanting to be with her again, now this. Problem is that even though she has had a few emotional breakdowns over what she has done to our family and the situation she is in, I still don't trust her one bit, I feel like this too can all be nothing but a lie. I just don't think I can take it any more. She's got the "guilts" so bad now, she's waiting on me hand and foot. If I'm at the sink washing my hands, she's right there to dry them off for me! She now gets up 15 minutes before I do so she can cook me breakfast. She's ironing my clothes, she's giving nightly back rubs and more than willing to do anything and I mean "anything" I want to do in the bedroom!!! Granted, all this may be real nice but that's not what I want in a wife. I'm not used to this stuff and if I did get used to it, how long will it last and then what? I know some of you out there might say to take it while I can get it, I deserve it. That's what she tells me, I deserve it all....for everything I've dealt with from her, etc. On top of that she's pushing and I mean "pushing" her religion on me too. She's doing things without asking me such as giving our belongings away, setting up counseling with her pastor for me, etc. I just don't know what to do, I find myself drifting away more. I don't think I can tolerate being around her when she starts to show and I have that daily reminder of what she did for so long.