i told my ex this morning about how our daughter suspects something is going on between he and the woman he is dating. i told him how it would affect her values and what she'll think the roles are in marriage. that daddy makes a family with mommy but kisses other women. i didn't want her to see that for her future. i also asked what this woman offered that i couldn't. he said nothing! i told him that i didn't think he ever prayed for God to create love in his heart for me because God would have answered that prayer. I read the Bible verses to him that pertain to a wife being a gift from God. he said he never saw it that way. <P>Well, it must have been the right conversation because he came by during his lunch and put on some music and danced with me and asked if i could get a sitter so we could get away together.<P>Now I need the wisdom of those who've been down this road. I don't want to blow it if this is the first page in the chapter of reconciliation. Tell me what should or shouldn't be discussed or done during the date. i know not to pulling any love busters. but do we just enjoy an evening out without the kids and leave the issues at home this one time or do we go there and if so i suppose i should let him bring it up and follow his lead, right? But since he is the one who left, should i be asking questions about what made him leave, really.<P>Thank you in advance for everyone's input.

LaFrance,<P>I don't know if I'm the one to be giving advice on this but since you seem like you are running out of time before you go out I would just like to say this. If it were me and I wanted him back, I would go out with him. I would keep the conversation light and friendly. I wouldn't even go into the why's or why not's unless he did. I think I would make the conversation a no stress conversation and stay away from all that. My goal would be to leave him thinking WOW, I want to see more of her!!!<BR>ANNA<P>

well, the date went fine and was very enjoyable. kept it light and no stress. then when we came back to my house i checked my messages and a girl he works with was calling me back to let me know what she found out about the OW. my heart sank. he over heard her name, i quickly deleted the message and he asked what she was calling me for. i fessed up that in my jealousy i wanted to know what this woman looked like and what chance did i have in comparison. he didn't get instantly mad but he was very disappointed in me. however, i know him well enough that he thinks about things and the longer he thinks the madder he gets. so now i'm afraid i just screwed up everything. he said 'you women, i can't trust any of you'<P>he had to go do an errand, called and asked what info i gave this co-worker then said that there will be a new buzz around work again against him with all the gossips. he said he was coming back over to talk later but i bet he doesn't come or call. if he calls he'll tell me that he is backing off and can't work on it right now.<P>i said i was sorry many times but how to you undo such a mess?

Lafrance,<P>Wow I was just wondering about you earlier. I wondered if you had your date and was hoping you would let us know how it went.<P>Did he really say "I can't trust any of you women?" That blows my mind. He had the affair and he can't trust you...<P>Well in that comment it did make me wonder if he's having trouble with the OW. <P>Ok well i'm trying really hard to put myself in your shoes and want this guy back. But boy that comment makes it hard for me to want him back. hehehe <P>Ok ya still want him back. Maybe that was a small step backwards and possibly he will get madder and madder as he thinks about it. I don't know if I'd be doing the right thing but if it were me and I still wanted him back I would downplay it. If he brings it up I would just say "I did apologize to you for my mistake, this has been so hard for me and I am having trouble with dealing with the affair you are having. I can not change what I have done, but since I have already apologized, I will not continue to apologize any further. I do hope we can get past this and continue the friendship we seem to be building now." If he doesn't see you tonight. I would simply email him something like this, changing it to your own words.<P>Ok, I'm a little worried that I may be totally wrong here and you will take my advice and it will be worse. Well good luck!<P>ANNA

Lafrance,<P>Well here I was going back to my cleaning after responding to your note. Then all of a sudden it hit me, "what if he wants sex later or some where down the road?" Boy I may be way out of line here and if I am then I am soooo sorry. Anyway, Have you thought of that?<P>Well if you haven't I think I would. If it were me "I'd have to tell him that right now as long as the OW is in his life I would just like to be his friend and build a friendship. Afterall, I have heard so many times where a spouse has sex and afterwards the WS goes right back to the OW. This would be so very painful. Well I worry about posting this but I guess not enough to not post it. So here it is.<P>Also, I have to think, most affairs start with a friendship so maybe it would be a really good thing just to build your friendship back up for now. (Let Ms. OW be jealous of your relationship with him for a change!hehe)<BR>Take care.<BR>ANNA<P>

OK, he isn't as mad as i thought he would be. he's just upset that this will create a new gossip train running rampant all over the plant where he works. the gossiping is so bad there that people actually quit. he said he understood that i was jealous and curious about her and that was only human nature. he still insists that he's not having sex with her but that he did kiss her. then he found out from the gossip mill at work that she has an ex boyfriend there at work and so he is staying away from her in case this guy wants her back and picks a fight with my ex when he hears that she is hangin around with my ex. he said he's fed up with the gossip, the women trying to get dates with him, the accusations, etc and that he will stop dating for a long while and keep his private life extremely private and never have the kids around it again. so that was great news. he finally sees what a mistake having the kids in his dating is.<P>he and i seem to be on good terms still but this may be a setback in terms of working on reconciliation. i think he just wants to be friendlier, go out occassionally and see if he feels his emotions stirring for me. i just pray he gets together with God and let God speak to him bluntly about what He expects of him. To pray for love with the wife God gave him, to eliminate all other women even in a casual friendship situation until the marriage is repaired and then only have lady friends who you can see with your wife along.<P>i move in a few weeks so maybe being isolated from the kids and i will work on his peace of mind and he'll feel great regret and want his life straightened out.<P>so i pray i haven't created a strained environment at work for him. he could get fired if this other guy fights him at work. i don't want him to get fired and he can't take care of his kids if that happens and then how do you get another job with that on your record?<P>i have to admit sex would really be great right now. don't see it happening after that bonehead thing i did. (he said he would have told me anything i wanted to know if i had just asked.) but i have to agree that it would be unfair to me and make it easy on him to stay divorced if he could get sex without marrying me. if he's telling the truth about not having sex with her yet, then if i wanted to confront her and make her go away i could have that advantage on her by telling her he sleeps with me, not her. but i don't think she'll be an issue anymore. i will still pray that she stays away or he grows increasingly unhappy with her and cuts it off on his own without pressure from me and then keeps a low profile so he can be open to God speaking to him.<P>Thanks everyone for responding.