Wow! I haven't seen this topic in awhile, so I guess I'll go for it. Yep, happened at 9:17 AM ET. I found this site in July 2000 about a week after I discovered her affair. So far, it's a weight off my shoulders, but I'm sure the feelings of betrayal will emerge from time to time. 12 years of marriage (me 41 her 42)<P>It was a long and winding road. In March 2000, she tells me "her feelings have changed" and she wants me go to a counselor she's been seeing for 5 months. Up to that point, I saw nary an indication of any problem. The long and short of it was she reconnected with her HS sweetheart from 25 years ago, something I discovered the day she filed. She essentially used counseling to secure a separation and to try to mediate a flight out of state. The moving away part is what really killed any chance for Plan A although I tried like heck. For anyone wondering if your spouse is having an affair, if you feel it in your gut, you are probably right.<P>She was granted permission from court a year ago to move 3 hours away with our 5 year old daughter. A custody evaluation was performed. The guy (me) lost, as usual. This is the toughest part for me, along with having to sell our dream home. I didn't want to have regrets about not trying for custody down the road. IMHO, I am the real parent of our daughter. Her mother likes to hang with the guys doing shots of Rumpleminze at the local gin mill while her "oh so adoring" mother and sister babysit. I did get one concession though, she has to do most of the driving for visitation.<P>The whole experience has had some good points in spite of all the pain. I was able to face my shortcomings and be cognizant of them. However, I don't believe I deserved what I got.<P>Driving to the rural town in west central NJ today, I put on a local college radio station about 20 miles from court. I heard a long bootleg version of "Rain & Snow" by the Grateful Dead. Pretty appropriate, eh?<P>Anyway, this is a good place, I'll check in from time to time. There are a lot of spiritual people here, most of whom have very shallow spouses. The "FOG" is a real thing, on that you can rely. I am contemplating Plan A after the divorce, not to win her back, but just to make her one day regret robbing our daughter of the proper family upbringing and realize what a slug she's involved with; and he is a slug, trust me. I know right now, I'm better off without her, but developing the proper relationship with my precious daughter is a difficult task indeed.<P>I guess I'm now a member of the "Disney Land Dad" Association of Modern Progressive Men.<P>Oh, one other thing, of the 12 scheduled hearings today, 10 of them listed the wife as the plaintiff. Until the pendulum swings the other way regarding custody, this will be the norm.<P>We had to swear to tell the truth today with our left hand on the Bible. Wish I could've opened it to Proverbs 5 & 7 and read them aloud to the court.<P>Take care all.<P>Jay B.

Dear Jay,<P>I'm sorry your marriage had to end this way. And I am even more sorry that your XW got custody. Do you share 50/50 physical custody? If not, can't you go to court for at least that...esp since she was the one that promoted the end of your marriage? I do not know much about custody, but it just does not seem fair to me that the wandering spouse automatically gets custody if it is a woman. Sometimes I get really discouraged that there often seems to be no consequences to adultry and betrayal. I guess marriage vows are not a legal document of much importance nowdays.<P>You sound like a great dad. So keep it up regardless of the custody. You are giving your daughter a wonderful gift. I know from experience how important dad's are to daughters emotional growth and self-image. My daughter's Dad abandoned her when he left us, and the consequences of that just keep rolling in. It breaks my heart because while I try to be a good mother for her, I can't be her Dad. <P>You and your daughter will be in my thoughts and prayers.<P>Lisa <P>------------------<BR>Character is determined by what you do when no one is watching.

{{{{{{{{{{Jay}}}}}}}}}}<P>I do not really know words to comfort you right now. I am proud of you for looking at yourself and your contributions, but I have to honestly say, I don't believe you deserved this either. You deserve to be loved, accepted and appreciated for who you are.<P>CJ<BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

((((((Jay))))))))<P>I haven't seen your name post in a LONG time. I'm sorry to hear of the divorce. It always saddens me just a little more with each new divorce around here.<P>This is a wonderful place. Many people find so much strength and support here. Sometimes a break is needed, but I think most wind up checking in from time to time.<P>Good luck,<BR>Dana

Thanks SS59, FW & Dana!<P>Yesterday I witnessed first hand the World Trade Center disaster from uptown at 39th & 3rd from the 30th floor, right from my desk. Although other world grief and tragedies have made the crumbling of my marriage seem small, this made it seem the size of a poppy seed.<P>To see each of those building come down the way they did and know that one heckuva lot of people were in and around them struck tremors through all of us watching.<P>Anyway, thanks for all the hugs!!<P>Jay

Hi Catamount. I have not been here in a long while. I am sorry about how things have worked out for you. Plan A?? Why? I have been there.....it is so hard to let go of the feelings, the love....the memories. As angry as you seem to be......it appears you still love your XW. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone Catamount. How long has it been since separation? Have you recovered? Are you in a relationship currently? If so, I hope you are happy and well loved. Focus on the present, and your future. It must have been traumatic to see the WTC attack. Aren't you afraid to go back to the city? You sound like a kind and gentle man, Catamount. Take care.....and please write.

{{{Jay}}}<P>Haven't seen you around in quite a long time, sorry to hear about the divorce. I agree with the 50/50 custody, you should at least get that. I think as long as you are having to deal with your x because of your daughter, some form of Plan A in necessary. It will make it easier for your daughter and not place her in a potentially antagonistic atmosphere. <P>So much loss of life these past few days, for you to see it from your office is a horrible thing. Know that good thoughts and prayers of a nation are headed your direction.<P>Lori