Hey everyone - <P>I haven't been posting too much - too depressed mostly. A quick recap - my H left on 7/18. Long story, but his affair was found out. Been married for 9 years in October. Confronted him - he was a mess, mentally too. He's in therapy now (mostly, to regain full status of his job - he's a cop, due to some other factors, he's on restricted duty) To fill in the blanks - see "What to Do Now" thread - probally page 4 or 5 by now.<P>Anyway, we spoke, he's determined that he wants a divorce. Says it's all his fault - he's selfish, but that I deserve someone better. When I asked him what I did/didn't do to have this happen, he said "I won't go into that, I've already said my piece". All he said is that I didn't want to have fun anymore (so he found someone 14 years younger to fill the void!) Since that talk, he's twice asked me if I filed yet. Says to make sure that I "slam him" in the divorce "I (he) deserves it". Told me I should file for adultry and discussed the settelment entirely to make the legal expense less.<P>We have a 4 year old daughter. In the first month away, he saw her only 2x's - says I made the visits hard on him. I didn't - I dropped her at his dad's house and picked her up when he called. I did try to speak with him, but to no avail. I wasn't nasty or pushy, just trying to be nice and get him to see what he was missing. He was simply uncomfortable.<P>Last week, he started coming by more ofter to see her. And, on Wed., he actually ate dinner here. She actually slept in her own bed - the first time since he left (hasn't since then!)<P>When I ask him what he's doing, where he's going he'll ask "why do you need to know that". For conversation mostly, and to know how/where to reach you in the event of an emergency. He is still lying however! He tells me he's on special work assignments, going fishing, going to the beach, etc. - when actually, he's still going to see the girlfriend up at college!<P>Here are my questions - why is he still lying to me if this is over? Why can't he tell me that he's still seeing her? (BTW - he says he'll probally never get married again - he's already ruined enough lives).<P>Regarding our child. I told him that the child psych suggested that he maintain a daily contact with her. Either by phone or site. I told him this on Friday, and he agreed. Friday night he left a message (i wasn't home) and said "well, I'll be unreachable this weekend, so I'll call early next week". Code - I'm going to the girlfriends house, disguised as a friends house down the shore. Don't try to call me, I won't answer. I don't have time for my daughter this weekend, but I'll see if I can squeeze her in next week.<P>I also set up a visitation schedule with him. I suggested either 1 or 2 nights and 1 day on the weekend. So far, he has tried to squeeze her in only on days that he's working - he works a 12 hour shift 7-7 days or nights. He won't offer on a day off - needs that for the girfriend! So, this Saturday, after he works all night and gets off at 7AM, he's offered to spend some time with her! What should I do - demand more quality time for her, or be grateful for ANY time at all.<P>So, here are the questions:<BR>Why keep lying?<BR>Do I just Plan B now, and file for divorce?<BR>How do I enforce better time with H for my daughter?<P>Thanks to everyone who always responds. When I'm able to think straight again, I'd like to be able to help others out too.<P>You guys are great!<P><BR>

OHHHHH, how funny, I got the you will be better off with someone else line also, that is a classic right out of the WS book that they all must read. If he is paying support and taking care of the things he should. Then Why file for now, if he wants it let him get it when he files then you respond unless you get it dissolved which is much cheaper, either way let him make the first move. <BR> I don't know why they have to lie, I think it is because they lie to themselves and can not face the truth about themselve. <BR> I don't know how to get him to spend time with daughter, he probably feels to quilty when he see's her.<BR> If you think plan B is what you need then do it and plan A everytime he contacts you.<P>

ABTT,<P>There isn't much you can do to get him to spend more time with your child. The idea of making sure he has a safe, pleasant environment to visit her is about the best thing you can do.<P>Bear in mind that we all lie sometimes, we have to deceive each other (and ourselves) once in a while just to get along. For what ever reason, there may be something he just doesn't want you to know or that he just doesn't want to discuss with you. There may be issues he just doesn't want to face. There may be many reasons why he is still lying to you, and you need to be very, very careful how you approach this. <P><B>I'm not all that much against lying; I just don't like it when someone exposes my lies, and I hate it when someone calls me a liar .......Ozymandias Foofnic </B><P>From your post, I wonder if your H is still trying to manipulate and control you. That speech about "you'll be better off with someone else is pure bs." What he means is he thinks he'll be better off with someone else. He wants a divorce, but he wants it on his terms. As long as you don't need a divorce there is no need for you to act. Nothing says you have to play his game.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper

arrested by the truth, <P>Okay, I have a few tough truths for you. Do you think you can take it? Get ready...<P>First, I would remind you that Plan B is stopping call communication and interaction with the WS (except for the purpose of decisions about your daughter) as long as he is in contact with the OW. The GOAL of Plan B is that at this point, your H is hurting you so very, very, VERY much that he is not only draining your lovebank of deposits--he's crushing the bank itself!! You go into Plan B to restrict those kinds of painful interactions and save whatever love you may have for your spouse!!! Now, I almost wrote: "...loving feelings..." but that's not exactly right. You know as well as I do that mature love is not about "feelings" (although that is a component)--it is about commitment, and faithfulness, and maturity, and growth and intimacy. Okay? So you may not "feel" love toward your H right now, but you DO love him and you vowed "til death do us part", and you are in Plan B to save that love--THAT is the goal.<P>That being said, I think I know why your H is still lying to you, and I doubt if you'll like what I have to say. Like Bumper says, people often tell "little white lies" either to others or to themselves to get along in life. In my words, I call that an "illusion." It's like looking at things with rose-colored glasses because letting yourself see the truth is either too scary or too hard. Well, for one thing, your H has on a HUGE, MAROON colored pair of glasses (haha). He does not want to see the truth of what he is doing to you or his little daughter because it is too painful to admit to himself what a selfish bum he is. <P>BUT (and that is a huge but)...how did you contribute to this? I ask myself this about EVERYTHING? How did I contribute to this? Here's the part that's going to sting. You contributed by not making it safe for him to tell the truth. When he sticks out his neck and actually TELLS you the truth, you freak out or cry or call him names or whatever, rather than at least letting him know that you appreciate that he openned up to you. Now, arrested by the truth, do NOT misunderstand me. I do this too ALL THE TIME!! In fact, it hurts me to admit how often my own H will try to talk to me, and instead of offering him safety, I freak out and get all hurt. <P>Sooooo...in my very finite wisdom I would make a few suggestions. First, start practicing asking yourself, "How did I contribute to this?" and be honest with yourself. Even when he is a COMPLETE [censored], ask yourself. The answer may only be that you did not stand up for yourself and you allowed yourself to be put down--but that's a contribution too! Second, I would say start practicing giving him a safe place to tell the truth. Try--it's hard, I know, to respond completely safely to an answer that really hurts you--but the more he feels safe telling you the real truth, the more he will. Finally, I would suggest that you do not rush into divorce. Don't take this wrong, but there's no particular reason to rush into it and file. I would recommend that you set a time limit for your Plan B (like 6 months, let's say), and hold yourself to that time limit. For example, there are bound to be ups and downs. Some days you'll WANT to divorce him today, and other days you'll want to marry him again! (That's why we call it a rollercoaster!) But, wait and be patient. If, after the time has expired and you have maintained a good Plan B (to let him see what it'll be like if he loses you), then think about filing...but only then. <P>Well, that's my two cents!<P>CJ<P><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.